My Diary

[gazz]

awesome stuff mate. really enlightening thread. I think everyone has that problem of working so hard to get clean then there's no clear prize at the end of 90days. we feel we deserve a million dollars, but no - now there's just ordinary life with all it's good and bad. So some of us think, screw this - let's go back to that dopamine buzz of PMO, and i'll take the consequences.

But we forget how horrible the addiction is. after the relapse we think - what the F have I done?? life without PMO was amazing!!

gratitude helps. it's a bit cheesy, but there's a short, fun book by Pam Grout called THANKS, GET RICH (it's nothing like the title makes you think it is). it's a list of fun, simple gratitude exercises. one is being thankful for everything that happens in the day - thanks for this glass of water. thanks I have plumbing in my bathroom. thanks I have a bathroom. thanks for this cup of coffee.

stay focused and enjoy this journey my friend!

 

[Loving_Mary]

LM,

Congratulations on making it to 90 days!  A couple of thoughts for you.

I think the biggest takeaway for you should be self-confidence.  It's incredibly difficult to fight off addiction, and the willpower that you summoned to be successful can be applied to many other areas of your life.  Because of this experience, you should feel ready to handle whatever life throws at you.

Secondly, a lot of the research indicates that it could be more than 90 days, perhaps 180, before your brain returns back to normal.  On top of this, even if it is 90 days, that means only NOW are you back to normal, so you shouldn't see significant improvements in the other areas of your life for months, if not a year.  Real change takes time, so don't be discouraged that things haven't improved as of yet, as not much time has passed since you have evolved.

thanks fot the heads up totally agreed )

 

[Loving_Mary]

LM,

Congratulations on making it to 90 days!  A couple of thoughts for you.

I think the biggest takeaway for you should be self-confidence.  It's incredibly difficult to fight off addiction, and the willpower that you summoned to be successful can be applied to many other areas of your life.  Because of this experience, you should feel ready to handle whatever life throws at you.

Secondly, a lot of the research indicates that it could be more than 90 days, perhaps 180, before your brain returns back to normal.  On top of this, even if it is 90 days, that means only NOW are you back to normal, so you shouldn't see significant improvements in the other areas of your life for months, if not a year.  Real change takes time, so don't be discouraged that things haven't improved as of yet, as not much time has passed since you have evolved.

thanks!

 

[Loving_Mary]

Wow, congratulations LM. I can completely relate to that feeling of expecting recovery to be some kind of miracle that will turn me into A millionaire overnight, with a perfect family and be inspired to come up with the cure for world hunger and be a spiritual guru and a fitness expert and so on and so on. But you hit it right on the nail, that while life isn't perfect, it is yours. It doesn't belong to the enslaving addiction or porn, but yours to live how you want to love it. I'd recommend taking a look at the Patrick Carnes interview. If you have access to it just type in "Patrick Carnes interview" in YouTube. It's about an hour long, it really put in perspective how long realistically the reboot would take with the various time milestones and what should be happening in the brain.

thanks Fly! The interview is awesome. His books have helped me a lot too )) wright now I'm reading " In the Shadows of the Net"

 

[Loving_Mary]

Congrats - Its an amazing feat which is truly inspiring. Keep shaping your life how you want it to unfold.

Thanks! )

 

[Loving_Mary]

awesome stuff mate. really enlightening thread. I think everyone has that problem of working so hard to get clean then there's no clear prize at the end of 90days. we feel we deserve a million dollars, but no - now there's just ordinary life with all it's good and bad. So some of us think, screw this - let's go back to that dopamine buzz of PMO, and i'll take the consequences.

But we forget how horrible the addiction is. after the relapse we think - what the F have I done?? life without PMO was amazing!!

gratitude helps. it's a bit cheesy, but there's a short, fun book by Pam Grout called THANKS, GET RICH (it's nothing like the title makes you think it is). it's a list of fun, simple gratitude exercises. one is being thankful for everything that happens in the day - thanks for this glass of water. thanks I have plumbing in my bathroom. thanks I have a bathroom. thanks for this cup of coffee.

stay focused and enjoy this journey my friend!

Thanks man! )

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys my world record was 3 months and 20 days.

Then I relapsed twice.

Right now I'm on my way to day 7.

I feel it's not like stqrting over again but it was a bit disappointing.

It's been good to see that I wasn't inmune if that wasn't the case.

To tell the truth I didn't feel good at all the last 3 weeks before relapsing.

I guess the brain slowly reebots and I feel that when you pass your previous record is when it starts to really heal again.

My pre record was something like 2 months and a half and I felt destroyed, a lot of temptation.

Then I spent some like 6 months relapsing.

This time I hit the 2 months much more confortably than the last time.

Then I hit the 3 months and I felt pretty good, really.

But then my brain just starting melting down, it really did.

It just started to implode.

After all these years I can tell when I'm entering the danger zone and I started feeling it and I was like "shit it's comming omg".

I don't know. I guess the brain goes on his way. It sucks but this feals pretty real.

Now I'm experimenting with affirmations.

The idea is that you don't "do" what you haven't talked about.

And you don't talk about what you don't think about.

So if you talk yourself out you automatically block the action, and also the thinking.

The affirmation I'm using is the equivalent in my language of something like: "today I'm abstaining myself" which I repeat to myself several times when I realise I stumble in a small trigger, external (maybe something I see) or internal (thoughts and temptations).

Well I thought it was worth trying I've been doing it for a week and it worked.

It worked at least with temptations.

I will keep trying it just in case it trully works, because it's hard for me to tell what I did "wrong" the last occasions.

Today I felt great for a couple of hours, then I felt average and bad for 1 hour or so. Now I feel pretty well.

It's a very anoying desease.

But I believe life is worth it.

Cheers



This time I could

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,


on my way to day 20

not feeling good today.

Struggling with temptation.

The only thing I'm doing different is pronouncing the affirmations.

I will take a nap, maybe I will feel better later.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys and Merry Xmass!!

Feeling good today. On my day to day 4 or so.

Yeah relapsed pretty heavily.

Affirmations actually worked in several occasions where I was in temptation.

I've talked to my counciler and he will custody my email password which is linked to K9...

That plus, affirmations plus a healthy life style might help.

I wanna quit this 2018!

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 5.

Not feeling bad. A bit bored. A trigger feeling.

No feeling in danger right now.

It has been a long time since I actually felt bored.

Sometimes I?ve got the feeling of not knowing how I got here in my life.

It's like if all my life just passed, and I haven't been the main character of the movie.

Sometimes I don't understand all these people with their live, their passions, their happiness and their relationships, It's like I'm an alien.

I've been connected to P for a long, long time. It has been my life, my mission and my purpose.

And when I say connected I don't only mean hooked, I mean that I've invested my life in a relationship with P. A dillusional relationship.

Whe I started disconnecting 1 week and then 1 month and so, I started to discover that my life outside P was pretty empty. Esecially my relationships. I need money.

The feeling of failure stalks me.

At first the No fap challenge was kind of cool and fun. But when P started faiding my other life started to shine. And not everything I saw was good.

In fact, I feel lonely. P has given me a lot. It has been my friend and my partner. A sick one indeed. But there it was. Always loyal.

In contrast, people are disloyal in some extent, and relationships are complicated. P is simple.

One of the things P has stolen from my life is my adolescence. There I should have met lots of people of all kinds.

Idstead, I only hanged out with a friend of mine, and I didn't explore other options, I didn't develop many social skills which I'm learning now.

I'm entitled to learning those skills and to meet lots of people. My job, which is people oriented, can help me. I wanna connect with people, which I'm gradually doing so.

But the sense of loneliness sometimes harms me.

Many years ago I dated a girl for 2 and half years. She knew about my addiction.

The thing is that it was a dependant relationship, something which I had a tendence for.

Now, I'm less dependant to P and people, but that has the counterpart that I don't have real intimacy whith anyone.

I stopped being intimate to people because I realised that the people I used to trust, where not prepared to listen to certain things.

It was a good decision, but intimacy went away.

Now I miss that.

Well I think that after writing these words I feel better.

Thanks for listening.

Cheers

 

[32]

Hi,
I relate to much of your last post.
Looking in the mirror isn't always comfortable (which is what I did literally 10 minutes ago), but it's also a reminder of who we are striving to become - ultimately a better version of ourselves.
Life without porn is definitely a better and healthier option; it has sucked out so much life from me (physically, emotionally and mentallty, and socially etc) it is scary. But we always have the chance to renew ourselves. And that is what this disease is all about: driving towards a greater picture of how we want to live our lives.
Go forward with strength and self respect.

---
Porn is no longer an option

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi,
I relate to much of your last post.
Looking in the mirror isn't always comfortable (which is what I did literally 10 minutes ago), but it's also a reminder of who we are striving to become - ultimately a better version of ourselves.
Life without porn is definitely a better and healthier option; it has sucked out so much life from me (physically, emotionally and mentallty, and socially etc) it is scary. But we always have the chance to renew ourselves. And that is what this disease is all about: driving towards a greater picture of how we want to live our lives.
Go forward with strength and self respect.

---
Porn is no longer an option

  thanks man, awesome post

 

[Loving_Mary]

On my way to day 9,

I don't feel bad lately.

I'm posting more often I think it helps.

These last days I've read some stories here which I can relate to.

I think it's important to hear similar stories and tell one's too.

Like a therapy group.

Lately I realised with more clarity that I'm a junky.

A recovering one indeed, but a junky.

I also think I'm a recovering "addict" but junky is a better word.

This word doesn't come from guilt. I don't feel guilty about anything. I know I always did the best I could.

I know that in the States there's a heroin (opiacis) epidemic.

People die from that.

To some extent I don't feel much better than those poor guys who die on the street.

I've been providing my brain with those drugs through P

When I realised that I had a tendency to dependency towards substances and relationships I started realising that I have asertivity problems and I?ve been working on my social skills to fix that and it works.

I feel much more connected to people than before. Still feeling alone, but something tells me that this is gonna change soon.

It's my guts. I would like to date some girl but I don't even know who she might be.

I don't have money but I think that's not the main issue.

I've been training with more passion than usually for the last weeks.

After more than 20 years training martial arts now I feel pumped again and I do it for pleasure.

All these years I've done it for duty.

It's like I'm recovering apetite again, in a broader sense.

I started with porn the same year I started with martial arts.

I've been a zombie all this time.

Things have been slowly changing for the last years and now I can touch some things I exeprienced when I was 13 (one year before I started with P)

Peace

 

[Loving_Mary]

On my way to day 9.

I feel lonely. I miss P's company.

It's not even withdrawal.

It's the need of intimacy and connection.

Today I don't feel a physical need.

I feel the need of connection.

And it's funny because before I had it with P, but now it's not the same because I've realised that it's fake.

That makes me feel even more lonely.

But I think that every day that I stay clean is a day gained towards a new and better life.

I'd like to know the way of feeling satisfied, fullfilled in just a second.

I believe it's possible. I believe that we are closer to happiness than we can imagine.

But I don't know the way of doing so.

The only way I know is P.

But I know P has two sides, like a coin.

One is pleasure and fullfillment.

The other is ansiety, emptyness and sadness.

And it doesn't pay off well.

Bad way to go.

If I keep clean for enough time, I will strenghten my connection towards other things which have no other tricky sides.

May God help me

 

[toph]

you inspire me man!

 

[chiefmitch88]

Get out there and try something new. Try an art class, start a hobby that's social, engage in an extreme sport. Anything, literally anything that is constructive. Fill up that emptiness and lonely time with fulfilling endeavors.
You might fail, but better to fail at something constructive than to succeed at PMO. Burn off that tension and frustration in a healthy way. Be aware of those times when you might be faced with some alone time and schedule an activity. Say "yes" to that acquaintance that offered to do something that puts you outside of your comfort zone. P is our comfort, our apathetic stupor. We must leave that comfort behind and start to come out from the rock we've been living under. Sometimes the pain and discomfort of day to day life is hard but you've got to develop a strategy for dealing with it that doesn't involve the crutch you've been leaning on all these years. I'm still stumbling, but remember you're never stumbling alone. Millions of people are struggling to kick one addiction or another. We'll never realize our true potential if we continue to rely on those crutches. Trying these interests might just spur you toward finding what you're meant to do with your limited time here on this crazy spinning rock. Good luck!

 

[Loving_Mary]

you inspire me man!

Thanks man! I appreciate that

 

[Loving_Mary]

Get out there and try something new. Try an art class, start a hobby that's social, engage in an extreme sport. Anything, literally anything that is constructive. Fill up that emptiness and lonely time with fulfilling endeavors.
You might fail, but better to fail at something constructive than to succeed at PMO. Burn off that tension and frustration in a healthy way. Be aware of those times when you might be faced with some alone time and schedule an activity. Say "yes" to that acquaintance that offered to do something that puts you outside of your comfort zone. P is our comfort, our apathetic stupor. We must leave that comfort behind and start to come out from the rock we've been living under. Sometimes the pain and discomfort of day to day life is hard but you've got to develop a strategy for dealing with it that doesn't involve the crutch you've been leaning on all these years. I'm still stumbling, but remember you're never stumbling alone. Millions of people are struggling to kick one addiction or another. We'll never realize our true potential if we continue to rely on those crutches. Trying these interests might just spur you toward finding what you're meant to do with your limited time here on this crazy spinning rock. Good luck!

Thanks man. I will. I appreciate your comment

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys.

On my way to day 17.

Didn't feel any temptation that I can recall, these days.

I just closed the door to my mother. That way I get rid of all her negativity.

It's not that I don't talk to her. I do.

But I just close the 2 doors that separate us when she is in the living room

She complained about something and I took it as an opportunity of telling her that what she demanded wasn't fair.

I told her that she wants me to be her companion, her mate, and I'm not.

I will never be. I'm her son.

She is crazy, she doesn't realise. She says she does but she always tries to explain every thing about her life.

I asked her where she was when she was my age, 37.

She said she didn't remember, but she had a family.

She used that to "prove" that it wasn't the same.

But I told her that that was in favor of what I was saying.

When she was my age she had a husband and 3 kids.

And she didn't watch tv with her father as she demands me.

It's sick.

She wants to suck me into her life and never let me go.

It's one of my problems.

Today she knocked on my door politely. At least she's not yelling her stuff through out of the door. I'm glad she knocked.

It was to tell me bad knews. One of her favorite.

I was listening to her for what felt like 10 minutes.

It was just that one of my father's cousins died.

I barely knew him.

It was shocking to see that in a particular moment she was explaining what the widow was doing with the body and I could see an attempt of a half smile on her face

I mumbled: "Is that funny to you?"

She didn't respond. She just went on with her uninteresting explanation with a sraight face.

She laks empathy, that's why she thought it was hillarious.

It's disgusting, I fill pitty for her.

At least I said something.

I think she lacks empathy because she has trouble to figure out her own emotions; so it's hard for her to recognize them in others.

But I bet she wouldn't have laughed if she had to deal with my father's body when he died.

She's kind of a sadistic sometimes.

And that's because she feels that life has treated her badly, so that's her pathetic attempt of vendetta.

After this literary explanation, which helps me take it out of my chest, I must say that these last days have been pretty good.

I've created an instagram account and as I never had triggers with social media due to the fact that it was never my thing (I'm an old school addict) I'm using it to amuse myself and meet new people.

Far better than dating sites, mainly because girls don't seem crazy .

Yeah I know I've been hooked to instagram for the last 2 weeks, but honestly I preffer that to P.

I know that my use hasn't been very healthy but frankly, considering where I'm comming from (weird sh**) watching National Geagraphic pics and kitten videos is not that bad, along with talking to some hot chicks.

I never had trouble with cams and stuff, and I'm single, so I guess that won't be a problem to me.

Actually there's two girls which I'm talking to which are quite nice. At least there's somebody real at the other end of the image.

Yeah, I have a tendency towards becomming dependant, but I'm improving that.

Since it's been a while that I watched P, I've been able to connect more with people.

I sent a christmas card to all my clients and i said merry xmas to many people. Just because I felt like it.

Yesterday I went out with some friends and I talked and connected with all of them.

It's easier when you don't have that cannibalistic ansiety within.

And the best of all: I don't care if I get laid or not. I don't have any secret agenda when talking to people.

There was this hot chick who was introduced to me and we talked for a while, then we danced but evetually I felt she wasn't that into me. It's ok. The conversation was cool and I know she enjoyed it too. I know she was tired. He danced with another guy, which she knows better than me and stuff. He hit a lot on her. She left alone on a cab. 

I'm learning to respect other people's individuality and freedom  and I think that P teaches the brain otherwise.

Because those "girls" do exactly what you want them to do. And real life is not like that.

Real life means not every one will like us, and sometimes we will face rejection. That's because people are free and that's ok.

It's funny that I'm learning that stuff at my age, but I guess this forum is for people who aren't the best at dealing with emotions and social skills.

I wanna focus on improving myself and my main goal this year is to quit.

I learned that I was too focused on other aspects of my life. And that's good in a way. Because it's a way of fighting the addiction indirectly.

But my main goal is to quit. I really think that is f****** me up far more than my family or my money.

I've just realised the dimension of the problem.

Well guys in conclusion: I feel much better.

Thanks for listening

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 21.

Dick gets hard, but mentally I'm pretty much a reck.

Mentally flatlined, I didn't realise until some hours ago, where I got pretty negative and with a really low energy.

Managed to visit the sacrarium and felt much, much better.

Now I'm down again, although not as much.

Just wanting to finish this day because I'll be able to sleep and before I was thinking about all the sh** I must go trhough before feeling well.

The reason is because my world record is like 3 months and 3 weeks, and I felt like sh** so it's not a matter of 90 days, it's a matter of quitting forever.

Didn't have any real temptations lately.

But today my brain just crashed.

The thing is that is not only an energy thing. Is that my thoughts have become negative.

Sometimes I think is good to just let go, like a boat on the sea; I don't know.

But it sucks that this affecting my own personality. My brain is on strike and my personality is suffering its consequences.

Lately I'm posting more frequently, I think it's helping me.

Talking to ladies, that'n not bad.

Working. Not bad either.

Objectively I'm better than one year ago, but the feeling is of crush and stall.

I don't know what I've done to my brain but it sucks.

I'm gonna focus on today.

I'm gonna read something spiritual and I'm gonna take some natural sleeping pills, so I don't wake up at knight.

Today I only slept 6 hours, maybe it's that.

I'm really sensitive to sleep.

Today I'm gonna sleep like 9 hours.

Regards