Hi guys.
On my way to day 17.
Didn't feel any temptation that I can recall, these days.
I just closed the door to my mother. That way I get rid of all her negativity.
It's not that I don't talk to her. I do.
But I just close the 2 doors that separate us when she is in the living room
She complained about something and I took it as an opportunity of telling her that what she demanded wasn't fair.
I told her that she wants me to be her companion, her mate, and I'm not.
I will never be. I'm her son.
She is crazy, she doesn't realise. She says she does but she always tries to explain every thing about her life.
I asked her where she was when she was my age, 37.
She said she didn't remember, but she had a family.
She used that to "prove" that it wasn't the same.
But I told her that that was in favor of what I was saying.
When she was my age she had a husband and 3 kids.
And she didn't watch tv with her father as she demands me.
It's sick.
She wants to suck me into her life and never let me go.
It's one of my problems.
Today she knocked on my door politely. At least she's not yelling her stuff through out of the door. I'm glad she knocked.
It was to tell me bad knews. One of her favorite.
I was listening to her for what felt like 10 minutes.
It was just that one of my father's cousins died.
I barely knew him.
It was shocking to see that in a particular moment she was explaining what the widow was doing with the body and I could see an attempt of a half smile on her face
I mumbled: "Is that funny to you?"
She didn't respond. She just went on with her uninteresting explanation with a sraight face.
She laks empathy, that's why she thought it was hillarious.
It's disgusting, I fill pitty for her.
At least I said something.
I think she lacks empathy because she has trouble to figure out her own emotions; so it's hard for her to recognize them in others.
But I bet she wouldn't have laughed if she had to deal with my father's body when he died.
She's kind of a sadistic sometimes.
And that's because she feels that life has treated her badly, so that's her pathetic attempt of vendetta.
After this literary explanation, which helps me take it out of my chest, I must say that these last days have been pretty good.
I've created an instagram account and as I never had triggers with social media due to the fact that it was never my thing (I'm an old school addict) I'm using it to amuse myself and meet new people.
Far better than dating sites, mainly because girls don't seem crazy .
Yeah I know I've been hooked to instagram for the last 2 weeks, but honestly I preffer that to P.
I know that my use hasn't been very healthy but frankly, considering where I'm comming from (weird sh**) watching National Geagraphic pics and kitten videos is not that bad, along with talking to some hot chicks.
I never had trouble with cams and stuff, and I'm single, so I guess that won't be a problem to me.
Actually there's two girls which I'm talking to which are quite nice. At least there's somebody real at the other end of the image.
Yeah, I have a tendency towards becomming dependant, but I'm improving that.
Since it's been a while that I watched P, I've been able to connect more with people.
I sent a christmas card to all my clients and i said merry xmas to many people. Just because I felt like it.
Yesterday I went out with some friends and I talked and connected with all of them.
It's easier when you don't have that cannibalistic ansiety within.
And the best of all: I don't care if I get laid or not. I don't have any secret agenda when talking to people.
There was this hot chick who was introduced to me and we talked for a while, then we danced but evetually I felt she wasn't that into me. It's ok. The conversation was cool and I know she enjoyed it too. I know she was tired. He danced with another guy, which she knows better than me and stuff. He hit a lot on her. She left alone on a cab.
I'm learning to respect other people's individuality and freedom and I think that P teaches the brain otherwise.
Because those "girls" do exactly what you want them to do. And real life is not like that.
Real life means not every one will like us, and sometimes we will face rejection. That's because people are free and that's ok.
It's funny that I'm learning that stuff at my age, but I guess this forum is for people who aren't the best at dealing with emotions and social skills.
I wanna focus on improving myself and my main goal this year is to quit.
I learned that I was too focused on other aspects of my life. And that's good in a way. Because it's a way of fighting the addiction indirectly.
But my main goal is to quit. I really think that is f****** me up far more than my family or my money.
I've just realised the dimension of the problem.
Well guys in conclusion: I feel much better.
Thanks for listening