My Diary

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 30.

Feeling quite good lately.

once I passed some bad days and managed to sleep, my brain reacted good.

Met a lady lately. We'll see where it goes.

I fill with the capability of connecting with her and the fact that she sometimes texts me;  it feels good to connect with her.

Her personilty seems complementary to mine.

Who knows, maybe something good comes from all this.

I've been quite distracted from job lately, but gradually I'm focusing more.

I think that my worst financial problems are gone, since this february I'll get paid a decent amount after summer and autumn problems.

Everything helps

 

[Lord Byron]

Glad to read that everything is improving and 'on the up' for you.  Use this momentum and thrust yourself even further toward your ultimate goal.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I've been quite distracted from job lately, but gradually I'm focusing more.

I totally related, today was completely unproductive for me. But as long as we can admit that we struggle, we can look for solutions.

Happy to hear about the new lady in your life, just remember to make recovery a priority even when you spend more time with her.

I get the sense that you are a lot more relaxed and at ease with yourself, which is an awesome place to be.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Glad to read that everything is improving and 'on the up' for you.  Use this momentum and thrust yourself even further toward your ultimate goal.

Thanks CL

 

[Loving_Mary]

I've been quite distracted from job lately, but gradually I'm focusing more.

I totally related, today was completely unproductive for me. But as long as we can admit that we struggle, we can look for solutions.

Happy to hear about the new lady in your life, just remember to make recovery a priority even when you spend more time with her.

I get the sense that you are a lot more relaxed and at ease with yourself, which is an awesome place to be.

Thanks so much Fly, that was an awesome comment

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to day 31.

Felt good the entire day.

Looking forward to getting paid.

Clients are in general really happy with me, and students too.

I believe it's worth it to put energy on job, it's an awesome way of connecting with people and reality.

It's been a really long journey to figure out what I wanted to do, and actually acomplish it.

Right now I like my jobs and I believe this is helping me with my problem.

Today I decided to write here because it's a good way to connect with you guys and I found several support messages which I didn't expect and make me happy.

I'm happy about the enormous improvement of Fly Phoenix, for example.

Can't wait to be one the guys who starts the letter with something like "on my way to day 700" and feel that all of you guys made it too.

I know there's a long way to go, both in time and in quality of life, but happiness is only lived in present tense and I feel I wanna make the best of all this right now.

Thank you guys!

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hey LM!

Thanks for the big shoutout!  ;D I love coming to your journal recently, lots of great energy.

I totally agree, life is so much better, ass well as recovery from our problem, when we put in energy into work and change our attitudes towards colleagues and clients.

It's a journey and change doesn't happen overnight, but it's amazing how the colour of the world changes when we decide to humble our towards to those of others.

Stay blessed man, you are an inspiration!

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hey LM!

Thanks for the big shoutout!  ;D I love coming to your journal recently, lots of great energy.

I totally agree, life is so much better, ass well as recovery from our problem, when we put in energy into work and change our attitudes towards colleagues and clients.

It's a journey and change doesn't happen overnight, but it's amazing how the colour of the world changes when we decide to humble our towards to those of others.

Stay blessed man, you are an inspiration!

Thanks Fly, you're awesome

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to week 5.

Starting to struggle.

Last time I relapsed I felt the same way in the beggining, so now I don't feel in danger but it might get worse.

There's a long way to go.

My world record was 3 months and 3 weeks.

And I felt like shit in the end.

Now I'm starting to think about P and a particular character and thing.

Just the same than the other time.


I guess my brain wants to go back to its "normal" status

And by the way it's the two same things.

The difference is that this time I've got more blocking stuff in my computer and it would be more difficult to act out.

I don't want to rely only in that but I think it will help.

I've been disfocused from my job lately and I think that this is causing me ansiety, which doesn't help at all.

What causes ansiety is that work is piling up.

This week I wanna work more hours.

The other difference from my last relapse is that I'm talking to more women.

Let's see if I can do better than the last time and get rid of this forever.

Something good is that this week I trained 3 times.

My aim is to do 4 this next week. Maybe that will help keep my mind busy and my ansiety lower.

I soon will get paid and that might help too.

In less than 10 days I have a session with my counciler, that usually helps me too.

Cheers

 

[Lord Byron]

Keep going, Loving_Mary.  Your posts on my journal have always been well received and of comfort to me, so I hope many others offer the same to you.  At the moment, I feel we are experiencing similar feelings, for I too feel that I am at a crucial point.  Your brain is trying to play tricks on you, yet your experience will show you what to do to fight back.  Throw yourself into work, training, whatever it takes.  You also know your triggers and have taken steps to avoid them.  Good luck, however I have confidence that you will fight through it.  Let me know, brother.  Cheers, LC.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks for sharing LM. I almost went onto an escort site this Friday evening and thankful that I managed to click away, so we are all each of us here only a step away from doing the right thing or shifting into old habits. Unfortunately, I spent hours during the day at work, on the work computer cruising Facebook pages of people who were very triggering to my "inner circle" behaviour, people who are in my fetish zone. So, I feel it set me back a bit in terms of habits, but one thing I realised is, as you say here, it wasn't like before when I would just zone out and feel terrible. I have more hope today. You're doing the right things - training, seeing someone to talk to and posting here.  Keep pushing man, we're in this war together.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Keep going, Loving_Mary.  Your posts on my journal have always been well received and of comfort to me, so I hope many others offer the same to you.  At the moment, I feel we are experiencing similar feelings, for I too feel that I am at a crucial point.  Your brain is trying to play tricks on you, yet your experience will show you what to do to fight back.  Throw yourself into work, training, whatever it takes.  You also know your triggers and have taken steps to avoid them.  Good luck, however I have confidence that you will fight through it.  Let me know, brother.  Cheers, LC.

thank you man, I appreciate that very much

 

[Loving_Mary]

Thanks for sharing LM. I almost went onto an escort site this Friday evening and thankful that I managed to click away, so we are all each of us here only a step away from doing the right thing or shifting into old habits. Unfortunately, I spent hours during the day at work, on the work computer cruising Facebook pages of people who were very triggering to my "inner circle" behaviour, people who are in my fetish zone. So, I feel it set me back a bit in terms of habits, but one thing I realised is, as you say here, it wasn't like before when I would just zone out and feel terrible. I have more hope today. You're doing the right things - training, seeing someone to talk to and posting here.  Keep pushing man, we're in this war together.

thanks very much Fly

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

feeling better than yesterday.

And on mondays I usually feel worse because I sleep less.

Not the case fortunately.

But yesterday was a heads up.

I must prepare myself for the worse cause my brain  will come back with the bad stuff sooner or later.

Today I worked a decent amount of hours, which was one of the goals I had.

I trained too, my self steem is a bit higher.

Today I'll take some natural sleeping pills in order to make sure that I sleep my hours straight away.

Cheers

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to week 6

Today I had a non expected expenditure and it made me realise how easy it's to be disistabalised.

But I think I'm managing to cope with it.

Tomorrow I will find out in more depth the reason of that expense.

The thing is that I already have very little money. So these kind of expenses just crush me financially.

I wanna separate things in my mind though, because in reality I have others things in life and in my day which do have worked out.

It's just this tendency to obsession and self consiousness, the difficulty to relativise and have perspective.

I'm working on that, although it's hard.

In other matters, today I worked a decent amount of hours so I started to clear work out.

I was talking to some girls online which was fun.

I had a little discussion with my sister on the phone, but at least I didn't go along with everything she said.

I ate some carrots after eating meat wich I think will make me feel better.

During the day I felt pretty good in terms of the addiction, although I worried about my money ishues.

I think that facing my "real" problems will help me with my addiction.

I wish I was out of here and my money was right.

But man if resources are scare I've gotta put all my efforts in what is more important: recovery.

If things don't go quite well but I stay clean that's totally fine.

That way my mind will recover.

That's one of the reasons the other day I had my best date ever.

It was real fun and I was funny, happy and charming.

I thank God he gave me the opportunity to enjoy such a good moment with a lovely person.

I guess the good part of recovery, or one of them, is that I've got the opportunity to connect with real peolple. And it feels soo good.

I don't worry too much about how things will work out with this particular girl, I know some of her circumstances and some of mine won't help; but that date was real. I could say that it was the best date of my life and we didn't do anything in particular. We just enjoyed each other's company. Our personalities...I felt how her attraction slowly raised up during those 2 and something hours. And it felt so good. So good to be liked. So good to like her.

Obviusly better than P. I guess the rat experiment was right: if the rat is in good comany, it doesn't do drugs.

This has been an awesome positive motivation to recovery.

This was 2 days ago. And I'm proud of still being fantasizing and remembering.

What we did together that day was a recovery prize.

And today I went visit the sacrarium.

I remembered this story about Jim.

Jim wasn't very smart or well educated.

He visited Jesus every day at church, but didn't quite know what to say.

So the pastor asked him why are you staying so little in front of Jesus?

And Jim said: I don't know what to say to Jesus. I just say: "Hi Jesus, It's me Jim" and I leave

So poor old Jim got really sick.

And when he was in the hospital he was the funniest patient ever, with all the personelle, cracking jokes, very happy. 

But no one visited Jim so one day one of the doctors asked him why he was always so happy if nobody visited him.

And he said: every day at the same time I feel a presence in this chair. And I hear a voice that says: "Hi Jim, it's me Jesus" and I feel him for 2 minutes untill the next day.

This story which I read from Cardinal Van Thuan's book "Five Breads and Two Fishes" touched me in a very special way. Both because of the power of the story and the person who tells it (for those who don't know him, he was in a vietnamise prison for 13 years, 9 of them in isolation).

So I have the hope that if Jesus did that for Jim; he will do something similar for me some day.

Cause some days I fill really down. And I also sin and stuff. But I follow my own personal promises in front of Jesus.

I think I'm doing as much as I can. And I hope Jesus takes that into account too.

Thanks for reading.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hi guys,

on my way to week 6

Today I had a non expected expenditure and it made me realise how easy it's to be disistabalised.

But I think I'm managing to cope with it.

Tomorrow I will find out in more depth the reason of that expense.

The thing is that I already have very little money. So these kind of expenses just crush me financially.

I wanna separate things in my mind though, because in reality I have others things in life and in my day which do have worked out.

It's just this tendency to obsession and self consiousness, the difficulty to relativise and have perspective.

I'm working on that, although it's hard.

In other matters, today I worked a decent amount of hours so I started to clear work out.

I was talking to some girls online which was fun.

I had a little discussion with my sister on the phone, but at least I didn't go along with everything she said.

I ate some carrots after eating meat wich I think will make me feel better.

During the day I felt pretty good in terms of the addiction, although I worried about my money ishues.

I think that facing my "real" problems will help me with my addiction.

I wish I was out of here and my money was right.

But man if resources are scare I've gotta put all my efforts in what is more important: recovery.

If things don't go quite well but I stay clean that's totally fine.

That way my mind will recover.

That's one of the reasons the other day I had my best date ever.

It was real fun and I was funny, happy and charming.

I thank God he gave me the opportunity to enjoy such a good moment with a lovely person.

I guess the good part of recovery, or one of them, is that I've got the opportunity to connect with real peolple. And it feels soo good.

I don't worry too much about how things will work out with this particular girl, I know some of her circumstances and some of mine won't help; but that date was real. I could say that it was the best date of my life and we didn't do anything in particular. We just enjoyed each other's company. Our personalities...I felt how her attraction slowly raised up during those 2 and something hours. And it felt so good. So good to be liked. So good to like her.

Obviusly better than P. I guess the rat experiment was right: if the rat is in good comany, it doesn't do drugs.

This has been an awesome positive motivation to recovery.

This was 2 days ago. And I'm proud of still being fantasizing and remembering.

What we did together that day was a recovery prize.

And today I went visit the sacrarium.

I remembered this story about Jim.

Jim wasn't very smart or well educated.

He visited Jesus every day at church, but didn't quite know what to say.

So the pastor asked him why are you staying so little in front of Jesus?

And Jim said: I don't know what to say to Jesus. I just say: "Hi Jesus, It's me Jim" and I leave

So poor old Jim got really sick.

And when he was in the hospital he was the funniest patient ever, with all the personelle, cracking jokes, very happy. 

But no one visited Jim so one day one of the doctors asked him why he was always so happy if nobody visited him.

And he said: every day at the same time I feel a presence in this chair. And I hear a voice that says: "Hi Jim, it's me Jesus" and I feel him for 2 minutes untill the next day.

This story which I read from Cardinal Van Thuan's book "Five Breads and Two Fishes" touched me in a very special way. Both because of the power of the story and the person who tells it (for those who don't know him, he was in a vietnamise prison for 13 years, 9 of them in isolation).

So I have the hope that if Jesus did that for Jim; he will do something similar for me some day.

Cause some days I fill really down. And I also sin and stuff. But I follow my own personal promises in front of Jesus.

I think I'm doing as much as I can. And I hope Jesus takes that into account too.

Thanks for reading.

LM, this is such a heart-felt post, really touching I must say. I've been reading and hearing a lot of negative stuff on these forums and in my recovery spaces. So many people are struggling and fighting and getting down on themselves when they are anything less than perfect, which invariable leads to more sin. They rely so much on their own strength.

But your post here reminds me that I need to trust more and more in Jesus. I've been reading the Gospels, just finished Matthew and on Mark 5, reading a chapter a day, and only now reading your post do I realise what the book is saying, that the Lord can make miracles happen in our lives, we just have to believe and live in expectant faith. Saying a prayer for you my friend, may you received strength and joy in your recovery journey. 

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

on my way to week 6

Today I had a non expected expenditure and it made me realise how easy it's to be disistabalised.

But I think I'm managing to cope with it.

Tomorrow I will find out in more depth the reason of that expense.

The thing is that I already have very little money. So these kind of expenses just crush me financially.

I wanna separate things in my mind though, because in reality I have others things in life and in my day which do have worked out.

It's just this tendency to obsession and self consiousness, the difficulty to relativise and have perspective.

I'm working on that, although it's hard.

In other matters, today I worked a decent amount of hours so I started to clear work out.

I was talking to some girls online which was fun.

I had a little discussion with my sister on the phone, but at least I didn't go along with everything she said.

I ate some carrots after eating meat wich I think will make me feel better.

During the day I felt pretty good in terms of the addiction, although I worried about my money ishues.

I think that facing my "real" problems will help me with my addiction.

I wish I was out of here and my money was right.

But man if resources are scare I've gotta put all my efforts in what is more important: recovery.

If things don't go quite well but I stay clean that's totally fine.

That way my mind will recover.

That's one of the reasons the other day I had my best date ever.

It was real fun and I was funny, happy and charming.

I thank God he gave me the opportunity to enjoy such a good moment with a lovely person.

I guess the good part of recovery, or one of them, is that I've got the opportunity to connect with real peolple. And it feels soo good.

I don't worry too much about how things will work out with this particular girl, I know some of her circumstances and some of mine won't help; but that date was real. I could say that it was the best date of my life and we didn't do anything in particular. We just enjoyed each other's company. Our personalities...I felt how her attraction slowly raised up during those 2 and something hours. And it felt so good. So good to be liked. So good to like her.

Obviusly better than P. I guess the rat experiment was right: if the rat is in good comany, it doesn't do drugs.

This has been an awesome positive motivation to recovery.

This was 2 days ago. And I'm proud of still being fantasizing and remembering.

What we did together that day was a recovery prize.

And today I went visit the sacrarium.

I remembered this story about Jim.

Jim wasn't very smart or well educated.

He visited Jesus every day at church, but didn't quite know what to say.

So the pastor asked him why are you staying so little in front of Jesus?

And Jim said: I don't know what to say to Jesus. I just say: "Hi Jesus, It's me Jim" and I leave

So poor old Jim got really sick.

And when he was in the hospital he was the funniest patient ever, with all the personelle, cracking jokes, very happy. 

But no one visited Jim so one day one of the doctors asked him why he was always so happy if nobody visited him.

And he said: every day at the same time I feel a presence in this chair. And I hear a voice that says: "Hi Jim, it's me Jesus" and I feel him for 2 minutes untill the next day.

This story which I read from Cardinal Van Thuan's book "Five Breads and Two Fishes" touched me in a very special way. Both because of the power of the story and the person who tells it (for those who don't know him, he was in a vietnamise prison for 13 years, 9 of them in isolation).

So I have the hope that if Jesus did that for Jim; he will do something similar for me some day.

Cause some days I fill really down. And I also sin and stuff. But I follow my own personal promises in front of Jesus.

I think I'm doing as much as I can. And I hope Jesus takes that into account too.

Thanks for reading.

LM, this is such a heart-felt post, really touching I must say. I've been reading and hearing a lot of negative stuff on these forums and in my recovery spaces. So many people are struggling and fighting and getting down on themselves when they are anything less than perfect, which invariable leads to more sin. They rely so much on their own strength.

But your post here reminds me that I need to trust more and more in Jesus. I've been reading the Gospels, just finished Matthew and on Mark 5, reading a chapter a day, and only now reading your post do I realise what the book is saying, that the Lord can make miracles happen in our lives, we just have to believe and live in expectant faith. Saying a prayer for you my friend, may you received strength and joy in your recovery journey. 

Thanks man. Thanks so much for your support and prayer. Although it might be tough to realise sometimes, I believe that Jesus always listens to us and if we ask him for help he will always do so, cause he is extremely compassionate.

Thanks Fly, your story, your evolution and your conversion are not only good news for me, but a reminder that recovery is possible whatever situation and also I feel lucky to share all this with you. At least we have one another, maybe things get easier if felt together.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi guys,

just finished day 46

Sometimes I felt weak these days, even thought about doing it.

But in case I slipped I still got my computer and mobile blockers.

I've been talking to this girl, actually is another girl from the one of the other day; cause it's true that she's not on the mood for anything romantic right now.

And maybe it's not that bad cause I'd like to recover and fix some things of mi life. This girl is gorgeous and I would like to share a better moment of my life with her. Obviously if something happens I wan't hate it ) But she's not my priority right now.

In fact girls aren't right now. My priorities are recovery and work.

The other day I looked at my unexpected expenditure and I figured out the way of dealing with it. It seems that things aren't as bad as they seemed and that I over reacted.

Today I just payed my credit card and at least I could make the payment.

The thing is what will happen next month, but there's still 3 or 4 more weeks left to work.

Going back to the other girl, I'm kind of flirting with her online, she's from another country and it felt good to connect with her.

I guess recovery and all those hours of watching youtube dating videos are working.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Hi,

on my way to day 55

Humble and aware.

Yestarday I went to the therapist. Cool to have enough money to pay him.

Trully my 2018 #1 goal is to quit, so I happily spend my money in a therapist.

Other things are secondary, but if I had to chose another one it would be work.

It's the first time in my life where I kind of like what I do.

Of course there's many negative things in my life, but I wanna focus on those two areas of my life, focus, focus.

I think P has been a great disfocuser of my life.

Third thing would be girls but much more  far away on the list.

I'm amazed what happens when you're emotionally strong or kind of strong.

WARNING: Many Social Media Triggers ahead, with no sexual content.

It's the first time in my life where girls which are not my girlfriend actually text me, I mean initiate contact. Never happened that to me before

I wanna thank coach Corey Wayne for his amazing job. He has a free book online and thousands of videos on you tube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1VA8zhH1KA&list=WL&index=3 here's his last video for st valentine

one of his "rules" is to treat texts as a tenis game: when the ball is on her side, you just have to wait for the response. She might never answer, but you've got to stick to the rule

Today I posted some pictures on instagram with girls, and "coincidentally" a girl who didn't answer me back for a couple days finally answered with a renoved interest and dare.

It was easy to get her whatsapp and it was fun to chat and voice message with her.

It's amazing to feel my sexuality and connect with real free girls, just for the sake of attraction.

My adolescence and youth where totally castrated by P. Now at least I can do the stuff I should have done when I was 16

You all guys know that back in 1996 there wasn't social media at all. There was irc and so, but well...you know. Wasn't the same.

The thing is that I should have met many people, especially girls, but I was too busy with P.

Now I'm kind of getting my time back.

It's hard for me to accept my past, but I'm proud of dealing with it right now.

One day at a time 

 

[FlyPhoenix]

One day at a time indeed! Sounds like you're approaching the whole "dating game"  with caution while being relaxed about it, now major expectations and really just exploring the dynamics of attraction while focusing on recovery and emotional healing. Really powerful!

I mean, if this girl or that girl doesn't respond, then there is no big deal, they are free to do what they need to do.

I remember when I was dating while in the grips of P, or rather while I was unaware of the inner issues that were driving my addiction. I would meet a girl and immediately obsess about that girl until she go so turned off that she would ignore me or firmly "friend zone" me.

Then I would seek comfort in P or some substance, or even escorts, and ruin my internal energy further. The cycle of addiction would continue, and while in the world I would late see some girl who I would imagine was the greatest thing ever and crush on her, hesitant to speak to her with the sneaking suspicion that she would be turned off.

I'm really thankful for recovery, and also coming to understand a bit more about attraction, although I never wanted to be a player.

Wishing you all the best as you allow the woman of your dreams find you