Who knew...?

[harry]

These last few days have been tough. This morning, I had to get out of bed an hour earlier than normal to avoid MOing. It's frustrating, but I will get through this. I am going to try unchained suggestion of taking a cold shower. Brrr!

When I first posted on this site a month ago, I had decided I never wanted to watch porn again, and I had a 30 day goal of no MO. What got me through those early days were thoughts that I would get to MO at the end of the 30 days. In the week before I reached my goal, the beast really amped up the dopamine. I was buzzing with anticipation of my celebratory MO. The big event. As a drug addict and alcoholic (clean and sober), I'm no stranger to dopamine rushes. As a result of all this, I decided that I wasn't ready for any MO and pushed my goal out another 30 days. Killing me..

In hindsight, I wish I hadn't kept that MO reward dangling like carrot in front of me, egging on my recovery. I know I will never be able to return to daily MO, and I am quickly (sadly) realizing I should take periodic MO completely off the table. I want to destroy my high-stakes reward neural pathway. I don't think I will be free until I have turned down the volume on the dopamine permanently. MO is always going to push my buttons sooner or later - who am I kinding? Moderation is not a word I understand.

 

[unchained]

Congratulations on 60 day away from PMO & 30 days free of MO!  That is an awesome achievement.

It sounds like you are struggling because you are missing the MO.  It's like you are longing for something you love.  Try not to think about quitting like something is being taken away from you.  Sometimes if feels that way to me as well.  To be honest, if I let me mind take me where it wants to go I'll think about porn as something that I truly love and want it back in my life.  That kind of thinking keeps it alive and leaves the door open in our brain to someday use again.  Instead, look at this process and you are learning to live free of porn.  Porn & MO have not been ripped away from you, instead you have put them down and you are walking away.  When times are hard and you stay on the path it's not so much that you fought off the temptation, but rather you are learning the skills necessary to live free from addiction.

 

[harry]

Thanks for pointing that out, unchained. I reread what I wrote, and it does sound like that. My lover, my companion has been wrenched from me. I can see how that might lead me to later romanticize about it, and let it back into my life. I will organize my thoughts and actions to this more appropriate way of seeing it. I'm choosing to walk away, to say good-bye to MO.

 

[harry]

Well, more struggling last night, and when it started this morning, I just got out of bed an hour and half before I normally do. It isn't my fault that my hands wander. I'm the victim here! I'm being victimized by the very thing I hoped to achieved by coming to this site - my ragging hard on. I keep repeating, "this, too, shall pass. this, too, shall pass." I keep channeling what I've learned in AA - I have to be willing to do whatever it takes...to not drink, use, MO. Relapsing doesn't have to be part of my story as it was with drinking and drug use. I am much stronger now, and I can move past this addiction.

A few nights ago, I told a newish friend about my reboot, and he asked a bunch of questions. Yesterday, he sent me a text offering to be my rewiring buddy. He's getting divorced from his husband of 24 yrs and wants to boost his confidence to start dating again. I'm conflicted because, while he's not really my type, I do so want some physical companionship, and I want to take my new equipment for a test drive. I want, I want, I want. I know there is a real component of this that is actual healthy horniness, but I also know I get some splashes of dopamine when I think about doing it. However, I do know that when two people get together sexually, oxytocin is released, not dopamine.

I took, well, I tried my first cold shower (lasted maybe 10 seconds) yesterday, and it left me feeling strangely exhilarated. Turns out there are many real healthy benefits. I am...a...looking forward to doing to it again this morning. 

 

[harry]

Much better night and morning. The urge to MO was not as strong as it has been in the last few days. Perhaps, I'm past this rough patch? I hope so.

My feelings of real, actual horniness continue. I'm just trying to roll with the feeling since I have no damned outlet for it currently. This is a healthy outcome of the work I've been doing. I should be grateful and proud, instead of being bitter and angry. I'm not really bitter and angry. I'm anxious to test myself, and I want some physical and sexual contact. NOW!

I decided I need a plan. How to find a mate without trolling Scruff is going to be tough. I don't really want to engage in any Psubs activity, but I'm just not seeing any options. A healthier choice would dating. I had a date last week, but no connection. I'm in discussion with another guy about having coffee. The dating option won't get me what I want quickly, but it is a more realistic choice.

I just have to remember to be patient - one day at a time. My mindset is so geared to instant gratification. I know, deep down, that the longer I have to wait for something, the more I will appreciate it when it arrives.

Took my second cold shower yesterday. I did much better this time. Soaped up with some much colder water, and then, I rinsed off with completely cold water. It was invigorating. It improved my mood and anxiety level. While I am not looking forward to doing it this morning, I will because, after just two days, I see some benefits. And, I'm here for results!

 

[harry]

My bed is no longer a safe a place for me. Grubby little hands seem to appear out of nowhere. They fondle, they paw, they molest me. They seem to delight in the rebirth of my erection. It's all I can to fend them off. They are very persistent, and I'm so damn horny. I stop myself from MOing by remembering a phrase I didn't really understand at first, "the good is the enemy of the best." I don't want to settle for merely good when I can do better than that. I'm not saying I have to do this perfectly because that, for me, might set up an unrealistic goal. My mind would tell me, "why even start on such a goal when it will require too much work to attain." When I'm struggling like this, I find delving into the forum not only helpful, but a requirement for relief. As is said in AA, "practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when all else fails."

Now, about that (cold) shower. Not a safe place, either. Fear and loathing, dread and foreboding; it must be avoided at all costs. It's a torture chamber, but I am determined to habituate to it. There are so many amazing health benefits, it's too hard for me to justify not trying it. I really do feel great as a result, and I feel a sense of pride over this accomplishment. Yeah, it's only day 4, but I'm still thinking, where the hell's my ticker tape parade.

 

[harry]

Much better day and night yesterday. No wandering hands. I did read a lot of posts yesterday and am very appreciative for all the info. It is really helping to galvanize my thoughts around ceasing MO altogether - one day at a time. Funny, this notion was not even up for discussion when I came to this site a month ago. I would have labeled it ridiculous. In fact, I came here to fix my dick, so I could MO again normally. Yeah, ok, so my normally is a little skewed. One of the most important things I've learned in the last few years is to take suggestion and be willing to try new things. I don't know everything. I used to think that, and I used to have a lot of contempt prior to investigation of anything. I have to be teachable if I am to change and improve.

Day 5 - cold shower update

I did it. Totally cold shower for the entire time this morning. Sure, it was one the quickest shower I've ever taken. I read a number websites about cold showers, and the general consensus is to not mess with turning the warm water down slowly. Just take the damn plunge. Of course, I am convinced the water in California is significantly colder than wherever the hell unchained lives. All joking aside, I do recommend this highly! It is amazing how invigorated I feel after the shower. You think your dick looks small during the flatline - mine actually disappeared into my body. 

 

[lyon03]

Well done Harry. I tried the cold showers at the beginning of my reboot but quickly gave up so you're stronger than me brother. With regards to MO, I've just posted about the same on my thread. My feeling is MO is just an extension of my dopamine addiction. In my experience, masturbation does nothing but isolate me, diminish my sex drive, and weaken my erections. I do masturbate about once every 5-6 weeks but now find masturbation pretty mechanical and boring compared to real sex. Please keep sharing about your own experience my friend as I always learn from others. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Phase2]

When I was in my flatline doldrums, the cold shower was very helpful. I don't do them now because I don't feel like I have the same 'down' mental state as I did in the first couple months of my reboot, but back then, they were a real zinger and got me charged up.

My trick was blast that cold water and step into it real quick head first. Get the head wet and the rest follows. It's skreechy awful for 15 seconds and I jumped around like a wild man, but after that it's all downhill. Any other way didn't work for me. Get the pain over fast and then you are golden! Head first, gentlemen!

 

[harry]

Thanks for the comments, guys.

Yes, the more I read, and the more I post, the more I realize MO is no longer an option (what? that shit's crazy talk!). As I've been struggling this last week with wanting desperately to MO, I have felt, quite acutely, the dopamine surging. MO = dopamine.

After I had been in AA a few years, I looked back, and I realized that I had had to change everything literally in order to stay sober. How did I do that? I had to be willing to do whatever it took to beat my alcoholism.

Now, I'm in this program, and what do I have to change - everything, damn it! I really want freedom, total freedom from addiction finally. I'm so tired of sabotaging my life.

On some level, my mind must be getting this because, once again, I didn't have any wandering hands last night or this morning. No MO feels like heresy. Whatever, this, too, shall pass. It's just a feeling.

Yes, Phase2, face first into the cold shower I will go today.

 

[harry]

Well, I came out at AA tonight. It's not a normal AA meeting - it's a sex, love, and intimacy in sobriety meeting which I rarely get to attend anymore. 

It's a mixed meeting with men/women/gay/straight. People will share the most intimate things, but porn is hardly every discussed. Uh-Uh. With only a few minutes to share, I hit the high points of my addiction and dopamine, but spared them the gnarly details. There was some laughter after I said something that was not intended to be funny, but somehow came across that way. I really tried to turn it around to make it serious again, but it was too late. It's an uncomfortable topic even to broach at a meeting specifically designed for sharing personal sexual information. It's was no surprise that the men were laughing the loudest. 

I was a little peeved, so when the room quieted, I ended my share by saying loudly, "Too much porn can cause erectile dysfunction."

Cold Shower update - Day 7

Today was Day 3 of taking a totally cold shower. I cannot possibly extol the benefits of cold showers enough. Look it up - there are some dozen positive health benefits which can be derived from taking them. Number 1 for me - it lowers my anxiety. Number 2 - it makes me feel happy. Number 3 - I feel electrified - jolted right into the day. Number 4 - who needs coffee anymore?

Going in head first is the best approach. It's only traumatizing for the first 10 seconds. 

 

[harry]

Just checking in to say all is well. 40 days without MO - absolutely incredible that I've made it so long. Mind blowing is what I would say about my new mindset about MO. I cannot believe I am actually embracing not masturbating anymore. What is wrong with me? I've been brainwashed. This is cult. Send help, now! I jest. I know, deep down, that if I were to attempt to masturbate periodically, it would only be a matter of time before I was chasing the next one, and the next. MO = dopamine. I can't quit you, but I am.

I happy to say I have no desire to view porn. I am not sure why this part has been relatively easy for me. I know I was getting board by it, and my tastes had moved gradually to grittier material. Sometimes, I don't have to have all the answers. I can just accept.

Cold Shower Update -

Yesterday was Day 9, and I have to tell you, I'm getting used to it. In fact, I even stayed in the shower longer, luxuriating (well, almost) under the cold stream after I was done rinsing. If you haven't tried it, and you're feeling a little anxious or blue, I cannot suggest it strongly enough. Hell, if I can do this, anybody can. Take the plunge.

I can think of no alternate universe where I would quit masturbating or quit porn or start taking cold showers, let alone doing all three of these together. Life can sometimes be truly amazing if I'm open and teachable. 

 

[Harry Molaski]

Congratulations harry. Ha ha well maybe not a cult but definitely a secret society! I've been dragging my feet on taking a cold shower for weeks now. This morning my garden was white with frost and I opted for the hot shower again. Anyway, great achievement, both the 40 days and the cold showers! Harry Molaski

 

[harry]

Well, the Gods were smiling on this atheist yesterday. It's as though he fell out of sky and into my lap. I had an honest discussion with him prior to our sexual encounter (first one since I started reboot on 12/5) which proved, once again for me, that while doing the right thing is not always easy, it's the appropriate goal for me. 

I wanted to engage in some of the healthy rewiring that I've read so much about here and on YBOP. We had a wonderful time together, and my dick performed adequately - it worked, it didn't work, it worked, it didn't, and finally, it did work quite well to O. First one in 40 days and 40 nights, and as you can imagine, it was pretty damn fucking awesome!

Later, when I was by myself, and most irritatingly, a blue funk took over my afternoon. It overshadowed the earlier event completely. Feelings of sexual inadequacy, having to explain my current ?situation?, the lengthy reboot process, and the whole ?what have I done to myself? engulfed me with an almost profound sadness. Sometimes, there?s nothing better than feeling sorry yourself (poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!), and I was wallowing in it. Only my sick little mind would turn a wonderful day into some kind of tragedy. Sick!

I did bounce out of the mood by using the tools I?ve learned in my various programs. Making a gratitude list is always helpful to show me things really aren?t so bad afterall. In fact, things are progressing nicely, especially when I take the next indicated step.

Out of this entire experience, comes a renewed steely resolve on my part to beat this thing no matter what it takes. I had hoped that at 70 days with no PMO and 40 without MO, I would be cured, but alas, I?m not. Next stop, 90 and 60, where I?ll make another assessment.

 

[harry]

Since I completely expected the chaser effect after my sexual rewiring on Saturday, I was ready for it. There have been urges, but I've experienced much worse, so I've been able to push them out of my mind.

What I didn't expect was the strong desire to pursue more sexual rewiring. I have a real itch to seek out more male company. I know my brain wants another reward of dopamine because there certainly were dopamine hits going around on Saturday. Wisely, my prefrontal cortex has decided to not react to the feeling, to the itch. It will just observe what happens over the next few days. It seems weird that I would want to pursue a sexual liaison when my dick is on again/off again, but then, that's my irrational addiction talking.

 

[thewhitewindow]

That's really amazing Harry, you anticipated the knee jerk response and ambushed the enemy before he even had time to think about an attack! 

I guess that's why relapses are really a blessing.  Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. 

Hold your head high today, buddy. You had a breakthrough.

 

[harry]

My mind is still trying to rationalize another sexual encounter on the heels of last Saturday?s rewiring connection. Honestly, I?m conflicted and irritated. If I had a partner, I would, no doubt, be engaging in sexual contact, at this point in my recovery. If I am able to negotiate a liaison without the use of dangerous Psubs like Scruff, why shouldn?t I?

My prefrontal cortex keeps telling me to sit tight and take a chill pill. It?s a tug of war between ?I want, I want, I want? and ?do the right thing?. I?m tired of doing the right thing. I call the overall feeling SLAB - Sad, Lonely, Angry, and Bitter. When I put it in that context, it is much easier for me to do the right thing; to tell my addiction to go jump in the lake.

For now, I will doing nothing.

Cold Shower Update -

I hit the two week mark this morning. I really dread getting into the cold shower, but I do it because I know how great I?ll feel when I?m done. I am acclimating to it finally and can stay in much longer now. Weirdly, at a certain point, the water actually feels warm. On another level, this really feels like a big personal accomplishment that is somehow bolstering my success with my reboot.

 

[thewhitewindow]

Hey Harry,

Just want to take a second to say how enamoured I am with your successes in your journey.  Seriously.  I wish I could be able to bring myself to do the 'cold shower', I don't have the balls.  So, congratulations.  To me, that's is huge.  Also, your general insight and articulation of these issues are spot on.  You're a fantastic writer. 

I would like to mention something that co-relates to a struggle you mentioned wanting 'more and more...'. 

I remember having Scruff, BiggerCity and hook-up apps on my iPhone.  I haven't used them at all in close to two years now.  I deleted them because they caused me anxiety and depression, I could never have enough.  I recall hooking up with one guy in the morning a couple years ago and feeling hungry in the evening and seeking out again.  Cheap sex was like fast food, you get hungry five hours later.  It's NEVER worth it. 

I wasn't ever actually 'horny'.  I was mostly bored, stressed and/or depressed. 

During this recovery, I've done nothing but go to my meetings, reach out to other addicts, took an evening course, meditate, clean my house...heck, I even renovated two rooms (repainted and drywalled). 

It's so important to replace these feelings we're so used to with things that might seem redundant but in the end have a goal. 

Keep going buddy, your story is impactful and I truly like to see your updates.
TWW

 

[Phase2]

White Window--you've got the balls. Go take a cold shower and report back. In fact, I'm going to take one too. Let's all do this together (oooops, possible trigger alert! lol). Which makes me think...wouldn't it be cool if there were a society/club for no-pmo gay men with PIED issues so we could meet and date and befriend like-minded guys. It would make life so much easier. (I'm not going to suggest there should be an app for it--that would probably be a no-no.)

Speaking of, I got rid of Scruff a couple months ago (for the second time). Like you WW, I'd look at it not because I was really horny but just because I was bored or out of habit. My thumb and wrist started to hurt from holding that damn iphone so much. Crazy. I would look at it constantly, swiping, swiping, swiping. I know comparing myself to all those bullshit profiles and filtered and posed selfies was completely damaging to my psyche. But now, I don't think about it too much anymore. I feel free of Scruff.

Take care, gentlemen!

 

[hans32]

Harry,
your a mensch!  there are so many things that are confounding during a reboot and connectios with others or the desire for one is very powerfully driven by our biological urges,  I support you in continuing along this abstinant path. 
SLAB is hilarious, and there's always the HALT -horny -anxious-lonsome & tragic