Who knew...?

[harry]

After my sexual rewiring last Saturday (first sex of reboot), I have struggled most of the week with thoughts of chasing it by having more sex with someone (undefined). I had not expected this. I had expected the chaser effect, but I thought it would be for MOing, but oddly, that didn?t happen. Weird, cause I?ve been so obsessed with MO during my reboot.

The chaser effect for more sex is officially over. Today, I do not feel sexual at all even though I have MW everyday. Partial flatline? Who knows? I really didn?t experience much of a flatline after I quit PMO/MO.

Funny, my addict mind had such big plans about my next sexual escapade. It had it all figured out - no trolling Scruff (Scruff bad) for hookups, no siree. It had narrowed the search to a couple of guys in one of my AA meetings (shhh, don?t tell anyone!). All I can say is I?m glad my wiser prefrontal cortex had already decided to do nothing with these feelings.

Speaking of Scruff - while I was securing a coffee date with a guy on OKCupid, I noticed the Scruff app. So, I took a little harmless peek the other night. There was no thrill in it and no dopamine rush. Just the same old guys (ok, there were a few new ones) when I did the local search. Then, I exited. I think I had been reinforced by reading recently of Phase2?s Scruff experiences. I used to spend (waste!) so much time on that app - to the point where my thumb would get irritated from all the swiping.

Haven?t tried the cold shower, yet? Try it, trust me, it?s amazing. 

 

[thewhitewindow]

Hey buddy,

Just wanted to let you know I did the cold shower this morning after my workout.

It was invigorating and shocked me into a state of reality. I can't explain it. I felt new and bright.

TWW

 

[harry]

I feel like I?m in the doldrums of recovery. The in between land. Overall, I?m doing much better, but still not good enough. Each day ticks off slowly as I approach my next goals - no PMO 90 and no MO 60. Warning - future tripping alert - I worry about what the significance is in reaching these goals. They are just numbers after all. Will I be magically transported to erection heaven? Will I have never ending bliss? End future tripping alert. Future tripping is stupid, unproductive, and not in the least bit helpful. In fact, it hurts my recovery. It makes me want to say ?fuck it? and just MO already...all day long. 

I do have hope, it?s just I?ve been down the last couple of days thinking about the nice sexual time I had last weekend and wondering when it?s going to happen again. For the hundredth time, I?ve told my mammalian brain that we?re not ready for that to happen again, that we will have to wait until the magic date (see above) to make a reassessment. I grow weary of this neverending internal struggle.

Fortunately, I know enough now to stack my weekends with lots of out of the house activities. Too much time in my head and by myself is dangerous. These activities help distract my crazy mind. 

 

[harry]

Feeling better about my recovery today as my blue mood has lifted.

Had a very productive day yesterday which helped distract my sick mind from wandering into dangerous, negative territory.

Today, prompted by what I?ve read in a couple of posts on the forum, I?ve done laundry, I?ve taken out the trash, and I?ve changed the sheets on the bed (eek, has it really been over a month since I changed them?!?). Oh, who the hell is cares? What counts is I?ve done it now. I can get a little lazy and contemptuous about doing chores, and what I always forget is it takes so little time to do them. Trash - less than 5 minutes, Bed - less than 10 minutes,  Laundry - a little over an hour. I wish I could keep to some kind of weekly schedule. Perhaps, I should make a list? "You can't make me do anything I don't want to do," says my mind bitterly. See, that's what I'm dealing with here - mutiny.

In other news, at the suggestion of my accountability partner, I?m doing a sexual inventory. He has helped many men through this process in his 16 years of sobriety in AA. Sure, I?ve heard about this process, but I was never going to do it. My sexual inventory is my business, and no one else?s! There I go again - more contempt  prior to investigation. So, I?m taking suggestion from someone who tells me I?ll benefit from it. What do I have to lose? My pride? My secrets? We?ll see.

Part 1 - make a list of all of those with whom I?ve had sex. He told me not to worry if I cannot remember them all.

 

[thewhitewindow]

Harry, what a great post.  You brought to light a lot of the same things I think about as well.  My mind really doesn't like to do chores either, like a bratty kid.  It does take no time at all to do little things around the house, and you always do end up feeling better. 

May I ask you about the benefit of making a list of all the men you slept with?  I actually thought of doing this awhile ago.  Would this help in some way clean out your head?  I am curious about this.

Thanks

 

[harry]

I'll let you know what my accountability partner says.

 

[Phase2]

I'm taking a cold shower this morning after reading this post. If WW can do it, I'm in! Anyone else?? I do live in Florida, but it's NORTH Florida and it gets in the 20s sometimes here so don't tell me it's easy for me. (Though to be fair, in the Summer, it is easy.)

Harry, have you deleted the Scruff app from your phone? You said you popped back on it to check out a guy from AA so it might still be there...honestly, I'd delete it from the phone altogether. That temptation will get you eventually. Better to shut it down now. It's a trap.

I have an idea about Scruff. I met this awesome guy on it last year. A man I developed a crush on which almost never happens. We got along so well and the sex was very satisfying for both of us. Age appropriate. Good style. Employed. Great chemistry. There was no reason we shouldn't have gotten involved (distance was a problem, but that's never stopped me if I liked someone). Anyway, after a couple months he up and ghosts me. And I'm convinced it's because he is a Scruff Man. A guy who uses Scruff I'm starting to learn will never be anything more than a hook-up. He is addicted to the rush, the chase, the attention of the hook up app. It's a p-sub for everyone, not just us Reboot Nation men. And a real relationship with an actual human will only get in the way of his rush. So, when I got rid of Scruff, I'm not only saving myself from a p-sub that gives me PIED, and I'm not only saving myself from wasting huge amounts of time, I'm saving myself from a dead end. I don't think it's possible to meet anyone on these kind of apps that will ever be more than a trick. While I'm not opposed to the hook up, my goal is a relationship. Scruff wont give me that. In fact, it just takes up my time and keeps me from getting one.

Scruff=

Be strong today, men.

 

[now-man]

Hey Harry, thanks for the inspiration - I've been following along and last week I started trying the cold shower too. So, Phase - I'm in! 

I'm in N California where we have a drought, and I'd been catching the water in a bucket until it gets warm, to use on the landscape. Now I just plunge in! Head first is great.

Thanks for cheering us on Harry and Phase!

 

[Phase2]

Took mine this morning. First one in awhile and it was exhilarating. One thing I forgot to mention: Sometimes I feel like a chicken and turn it on sort of halfway so not that much water comes out thinking less cold water equals an easier time getting in. But what I've discovered is this takes a lot longer to really douse your head and body and get you all wet, so the struggle takes longer and is MORE frustrating. It is much better to turn the water on full blast, jump in and the shock is over with before you can even register. Then it's smooth sailing.

 

[harry]

OK, OK, enough brow beating. Uncle. I submit. Scruff is dead to me! Gone. Buried. Uninstalled. Thanks, I do appreciate your persistence, Phase2. Of course, you?re right, it is a dangerous place for an addict like me. What?s left? I have nothing now. Nothing! Jesus, can I still go to OKCupid? Where am I supposed to meet men - in the street? Please send help.

Oh, and by the way, now-man already sent me his prized 8 list. Hands off, they?re mine!

The cold shower brigade - we?re taking over the forum, one addict at a time! We?ve had some colder weather where I live, and I really notice the drop in the water temperature. Still, it?s all about how I feel after I?m done. Head first, full blast cold plunge. 

 

[Phase2]

Way to go Harry! Scruff-free!

I struggle with where to meet men too. I think we have to go old school: pursue interests and hope to meet people with similar interests: gym, running clubs, naturalists groups, water skiiers, classes at local college, etc. Argh. Not the instant gratification we're used to. But probably a whole lot better in the long run. Let me know if you come up with anything!

How bout we split that list 50/50? You can have the ones under 30. 

 

[now-man]

What makes you think there are any under 30?

 

[harry]

Yeah? Besides, I prefer men my own age, but I am willing to take one for the team - we can do a 50/50 split.

 

[Phase2]

I like this battle for the Elite Eight list. The image of crazed, starving hyenas ripping apart an antelope on an African plain comes to mind!  ;D

 

[harry]

Things are alright so far this week. Got rid of the last remnant (Scruff) of my former life. I keep thinking I?m forgetting something, but I believe all triggering paraphernalia is gone. There is one more item which needs to be added - see below.

A member forward this post to me earlier -  http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

A very interesting read indeed. Some of the main points, for me, were as follows:

Abstinence is not recovery - I readily admit when I came to RN initially, I thought I?d do the time, and then, I?d get right back on the merry-go-round after I learned how to use porn and masturbation like a gentleman, you know, in moderation. It didn?t take long for me to realize just how wrong that notion was. He argues we must go to our very core to change the way we think and live - porn is not the problem, it?s the symptom.

Stop hiding (via porn) from uncomfortable feelings - I know all about this one. As a clean and sober person, I?ve spent my life running from emotions which scared me or made me feel uncomfortable.

Readjust your sexual expectations - What, my fantasies aren?t grounded in reality? At 54, I?ve already been dealing with this for a while. Sex can be fun and clumsy and awkward all at the same time. It?s never as smooth and polished as it is in porn land.

Thinking about sex is useless - This one really works my last nerve. Haven?t I given up enough yet? Wow, really? He argues that if we?re still thinking about sex, we?re hindering our very recovery by reinforcing those damn (bad) neural pathways. Fantasy will lead to relapse. He says, if you want sex, then get it. Fantasizing is a huge waste of time and energy.

Anyway, it?s quite a long post, and he has some great recovery ideas.

 

[now-man]

Hey Harry,

I have another link for you. I don't know how I'd missed this, it's right here on RN in the 'Porn Addiction' forum. It's almost a slight counterpoint to the first link, not a contradiction but from another perspective. From Gabe:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=50.0

I love your open mind! You rock it Harry.

 

[lyon03]

Great post brothers (or perhaps sisters). It probably took me about 6 months to fully understand that I was undertaking a lifestyle reboot rather than simply abstaining or not watching porn. You've made some excellent points and have figured out an integral part of long term reboot much earlier than I did - so bravo! I wanted to share two video links that provide a similar message. Both are g-rated so no trigger alerts:

https://youtu.be/ao8L-0nSYzg (short version)
https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs (longer version TED talk)

Here is the theory: "The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection." The ideas expressed in these two videos are similar to what you've shared. Like rats in caged drug experiments, writer Johann Hari believes that our problems aren't all because of drugs, or in our case porn/screen addiction, our problems start with the cages we live in.

Let me restate that in a more practical way: we are addicts because our lives aren't fulfilling us. So we find things to compensate for a lack of happiness and fulfillment. If as you shared we concentrate TODAY on setting goals, diligently working towards them, and building meaningful relationships, we will no longer need our drug(s) of choice. This seems to be my experience.

My cage was more of a closet. I hid my homosexuality from myself and others and initially used porn as my only gay sexual outlet. I now know that long-term recovery wouldn't be possible unless I fundamentally changed my life. I spent the better part of 20 years building myself a cage that trapped me in my addictions. And freedom from the cage of porn and sex addictions was only possible if I broke free of my former cage. This meant coming out, divorcing, and building new (positive) connections with people who were like me or who at least represented who I wanted to be. While there are still challenges and I often feel the urge to go back to my old ways (or my old cage), that life of guilt, shame, lies, and addiction offers me very little these days. In brief, I'm no longer that unhappy rat.

Thanks for sharing all of this gents. I learn something every day from Reboot Nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[thewhitewindow]

Wow, Lyon03.  This is why I am here.

I completely get living in a cage.  I never, ever talked about being gay to anyone other than my best friend and obviously my partner.  I always hid my sexuality due to shame and guilt (due to early childhood abuse).  I still cannot embrace who I am fully.  My internalized homophobia is so deeply engrained.  I used to judge co-workers in my head for their acceptance and pride!  I never attended gay pride. 

This is NOT simply an abstinence contest.  This is an extreme makeover.  For me, this is a metamorphosis.  This is why I cannot go back to my former cage, I need role models, attend meetings, bring to light my past behaviour so it doesn't manifest anymore. 

You're right.  This change must be taken from the root and dug out.  Why was I watching porn?  Make a list.  Look at your life and ask questions.

This will be hard for me because life is hard, but for the first time in my life I feel lucky and happy to wake up.

Thank You Lyon03. 

 

[Phase2]

Ok gentlemen, some essential reading for the internalized homophobe. Cheers:

Velvet Rage by Alan Downs

Mayor of Castro Street by Randy Shilts

Becoming a Man by Paul Monette

 

[harry]

I?ve been feeling positive about my recovery this week. I feel like I?m in a safe groove, where the nagging to MO has ceased to be an issue. I get evening, middle of the night, and morning wood, but I don?t have to do much besides appreciate it with a quick squeeze to test for plumpness and firmness. All feels back to normal, at least when I?m by myself. The true test comes when I'm with another man.

I?m settling in for the long haul at this point. I?m happy with the results, and I?m going to continue in hard mode for the foreseeable future. Who knows, as a single man, I may decide, at some point, to have the occasional wank, but I am very aware I prefer this newfangled approach of not wasting the seed. It served me well during my last sexual encounter.

My latest challenge is focusing on rewiring with an actual human partner. This has been tricky to arrange without using the old (Psub) methods. A man?s gotta do what a man?s gotta do, so I contacted the man I rewired with a couple of weeks ago to see if there was interest in another get together. I am happy to report he said yes. I plan to wait until after I reach my latest milestones next week.

Like now-man mentioned in his most recent post, I feel real horniness emerging through the fog of my dopamine addled brain. However, it is fleeting and is often replaced by outside triggers. I can generally spot these, but it is still a gray area for me. Progress not perfection, as we say in AA.