31yo reboot journal - Arahant
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arahant
Active Member
@akpal2: thanks 
I practice Vipassana meditation, 45 minutes as soon as I get up. Sometimes I start with a short mett? meditation. What do you do instead?
@cap: thanks cap, I really appreciate your support! Yes, maybe harder days will come, but for now I enjoy these easy ones!
I practice Vipassana meditation, 45 minutes as soon as I get up. Sometimes I start with a short mett? meditation. What do you do instead?@cap: thanks cap, I really appreciate your support!
Yes, maybe harder days will come, but for now I enjoy these easy ones!
arahant
Active Member
Day 13
End of day 13.
I am really tired as I slept just 4 hours for the last two nights.
Today meditation was harder than usual as I didn't have enough energy. Tonight I will sleep more.
This evening I got stricken by a very powerful anxiety mixed with sadness coming from nowhere. I don't know if it was related to rebooting, as something else is going on in my life that's creating psychological and emotional stress, but I was surprised at the immediateness and strength of this emotion. I was outside and I just kept going my way and getting the groceries for dinner, as soon as I finished doing that that emotion was gone. I wonder if anyone of you have experienced anything like that.
Now I'll go to sleep and rest, I really need it.
As usual, no craves whatsoever, I even found two obscene pictures a woman I had an affair with had sent me months ago, on my phone and my reaction was of rejection and almost disgust. I just deleted them.
Have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night rebooting!
End of day 13.
I am really tired as I slept just 4 hours for the last two nights.
Today meditation was harder than usual as I didn't have enough energy. Tonight I will sleep more.
This evening I got stricken by a very powerful anxiety mixed with sadness coming from nowhere. I don't know if it was related to rebooting, as something else is going on in my life that's creating psychological and emotional stress, but I was surprised at the immediateness and strength of this emotion. I was outside and I just kept going my way and getting the groceries for dinner, as soon as I finished doing that that emotion was gone. I wonder if anyone of you have experienced anything like that.
Now I'll go to sleep and rest, I really need it.
As usual, no craves whatsoever, I even found two obscene pictures a woman I had an affair with had sent me months ago, on my phone and my reaction was of rejection and almost disgust. I just deleted them.
Have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night rebooting!
arahant
Active Member
Day 14
Second week completed.
I'm not feeling any urge for porn, nor for masturbating.
Tonight I drank a beer, which I haven't drunk for many days, and I didn't like the effect it had on me, I think I'll refrain from alcohol as much as I can from now on.
I'm feeling a bit stressed these days, as I'm in the middle of a conflict with my parents, but thanks to meditation I'm facing this in a good way.
Well two weeks are just a small step but the most important thing is that they are a step in the right direction.
I hope everyone is rebooting well today, I'm off to sleep
Second week completed.
I'm not feeling any urge for porn, nor for masturbating.
Tonight I drank a beer, which I haven't drunk for many days, and I didn't like the effect it had on me, I think I'll refrain from alcohol as much as I can from now on.
I'm feeling a bit stressed these days, as I'm in the middle of a conflict with my parents, but thanks to meditation I'm facing this in a good way.
Well two weeks are just a small step but the most important thing is that they are a step in the right direction.
I hope everyone is rebooting well today, I'm off to sleep
doggybalfour
Member
Good job Arahant! Sounds like you're on the right track. Keep up the good work.
arahant
Active Member
Day 15
I'm feeling very stressed out for some conflicts I'm facing, but not for one second the thought of looking at porn crossed my mind.
I'm done with it, I just want beauty, honesty, integrity and purity in my life.
It starts to feel like I'm writing about something of the past, like a history book.
I need to start exercising now, and to get more sleep at night.
I really hope everyone is recovering well today!
I'm feeling very stressed out for some conflicts I'm facing, but not for one second the thought of looking at porn crossed my mind.
I'm done with it, I just want beauty, honesty, integrity and purity in my life.
It starts to feel like I'm writing about something of the past, like a history book.
I need to start exercising now, and to get more sleep at night.
I really hope everyone is recovering well today!
arahant
Active Member
Day 16
I don't feel any kind of sexual urge.
I experience often some kind of restlessness, even while meditating. This restlessness seems rooted in fear.
There is a big fear, sometimes I can see it, sometimes I just see what it produces, this kind of "electric shock", the same huge amount of concentrated energy that made me masturbate for hours and hours leaving me empty and miserable.
When I succeed I can look at this restlessness and this fear and accept them without being moved to act or talk or think out of them.
Today has been a bit hard as I had some problems while concentrating when working. Sometimes this restlessness took control and I wasn't very productive at work.
But for now the most important thing is that I was able to meditate today too and look straight into these emotions.
Porn is not even in the picture.
Recover well today!
I don't feel any kind of sexual urge.
I experience often some kind of restlessness, even while meditating. This restlessness seems rooted in fear.
There is a big fear, sometimes I can see it, sometimes I just see what it produces, this kind of "electric shock", the same huge amount of concentrated energy that made me masturbate for hours and hours leaving me empty and miserable.
When I succeed I can look at this restlessness and this fear and accept them without being moved to act or talk or think out of them.
Today has been a bit hard as I had some problems while concentrating when working. Sometimes this restlessness took control and I wasn't very productive at work.
But for now the most important thing is that I was able to meditate today too and look straight into these emotions.
Porn is not even in the picture.
Recover well today!
arahant
Active Member
Day 17
Yesterday was day 17.
I had another dream about porn, is was me looking for services, something like escorts, and checking out their photos etc...
In real life, I'm still doing great, no urges whatsoever, I feel a slight increase in the sexual attraction towards my significant other, which is new to me, as we lost intimacy many years ago.
I'm still meditating daily and I'm very happy of the depth my meditation is reaching, even if I only meditate 45 minutes per day.
I feel like meditation is saving my life.
I'm leaving for one week today, going skiing with my family and I'm sure we'll have a great time.
I think I will not update my journal during this week, but I'll see if I can do it without too much hassle with my phone.
Stay strong this week and keep recovering well y'all!
Yesterday was day 17.
I had another dream about porn, is was me looking for services, something like escorts, and checking out their photos etc...
In real life, I'm still doing great, no urges whatsoever, I feel a slight increase in the sexual attraction towards my significant other, which is new to me, as we lost intimacy many years ago.
I'm still meditating daily and I'm very happy of the depth my meditation is reaching, even if I only meditate 45 minutes per day.
I feel like meditation is saving my life.
I'm leaving for one week today, going skiing with my family and I'm sure we'll have a great time.
I think I will not update my journal during this week, but I'll see if I can do it without too much hassle with my phone.
Stay strong this week and keep recovering well y'all!
B
BigAl2016
Guest
Great progress Arahant! Have a fantastic time skiing with your family
arahant
Active Member
Day 18 - 25
Hello everyone!
I've had a fantastic time skiing
I didn't feel any urge whatoever to watch porn during this week.
Anyway, I feel that my sexual drive has increased a lot in the last few days and sometimes I would like to masturbate.
Especially the evening we came back from the mountains was difficult as I was very tired and a bit stressed too coming back to "normal life". I managed not to masturbate, so I'm still in hard mode, but I did chat with come girls on whatsapp, tinder and wechat about non-sexual themes.
I feel especially Tinder is not good as sometimes these girls have rather explicit poses that raise my heart beat.
So in the next days I will try to abandon these idle chats.
My body would like to have sex with a girl with whom I had an affair and who would always be available to me if I only wanted.
But I will stick to hard mode for at least 90 days.
However, I might see this girl just to kiss her and cuddle her, I really feel very alone sometimes as I still have no intimacy at all with my partner and probably never will. I know it would be cheating (again) on my partner, but I really can't see at the moment another solution. I just need tenderness and love, not sex.
I'll see what I'll manage to do, but anyhow I will stay PMO-free and orgasm-free for the foreseeable future.
I'm happy to be back here, I'll read all your threads when I have time.
Keep going and never give up!
Hello everyone!
I've had a fantastic time skiing
I didn't feel any urge whatoever to watch porn during this week.
Anyway, I feel that my sexual drive has increased a lot in the last few days and sometimes I would like to masturbate.
Especially the evening we came back from the mountains was difficult as I was very tired and a bit stressed too coming back to "normal life". I managed not to masturbate, so I'm still in hard mode, but I did chat with come girls on whatsapp, tinder and wechat about non-sexual themes.
I feel especially Tinder is not good as sometimes these girls have rather explicit poses that raise my heart beat.
So in the next days I will try to abandon these idle chats.
My body would like to have sex with a girl with whom I had an affair and who would always be available to me if I only wanted.
But I will stick to hard mode for at least 90 days.
However, I might see this girl just to kiss her and cuddle her, I really feel very alone sometimes as I still have no intimacy at all with my partner and probably never will. I know it would be cheating (again) on my partner, but I really can't see at the moment another solution. I just need tenderness and love, not sex.
I'll see what I'll manage to do, but anyhow I will stay PMO-free and orgasm-free for the foreseeable future.
I'm happy to be back here, I'll read all your threads when I have time.
Keep going and never give up!
B
BigAl2016
Guest
Hi Arahant. Glad to hear you had an amazing time I really appreciate you sharing that you are tempted to meet up with another girl despite being in a relationship, and the motivation for that includes a need for affection and intimacy as well as potential (from your body's perspective at least) sex. I think this is really honest, and was good for me to hear because I am also considering doing something similar. I think tenderness, intimacy and affection are such important human needs.... and that ethics / morals are complex, not black and white. I identify with where you are at and appreciate you sharing.
Good luck on your continuing journey
I really appreciate you sharing that you are tempted to meet up with another girl despite being in a relationship, and the motivation for that includes a need for affection and intimacy as well as potential (from your body's perspective at least) sex. I think this is really honest, and was good for me to hear because I am also considering doing something similar. I think tenderness, intimacy and affection are such important human needs.... and that ethics / morals are complex, not black and white. I identify with where you are at and appreciate you sharing. Good luck on your continuing journey
arahant
Active Member
Hello Alan, yes, I think we're more or less in the same boat.
However, I know that I will feel guilty if I re-started a relationship with this woman with whom I had an affair one year ago and that would not help my overall recovery.
So I will try to not lie any more to my partner, even if I feel I cannot satisfy some of my needs with her.
I think we men need to learn to be less selfish and more compassionate, especially towards women. And most of all towards our partners.
We need to identify our responsibilities when things go wrong and try to honestly identify the elements of our behavior that we need to change.
However, I know that I will feel guilty if I re-started a relationship with this woman with whom I had an affair one year ago and that would not help my overall recovery.
So I will try to not lie any more to my partner, even if I feel I cannot satisfy some of my needs with her.
I think we men need to learn to be less selfish and more compassionate, especially towards women. And most of all towards our partners.
We need to identify our responsibilities when things go wrong and try to honestly identify the elements of our behavior that we need to change.
arahant
Active Member
Day 26
Yesterday was a rather easy day, even if I did chat non-sexually with some girls.
I'm seeing from the counter that I'm almost reaching a month. I'm not counting days anymore, but one small milestone like one month will be good for my self-respect, especially as it will be one month of hard mode completed.
I'm feeling like a new person, I am really transforming myself on many levels and I am very proud of myself.
Thanks to all who read my journal, may you all find peace of mind and inner strength to keep on the sunny side of life.
Yesterday was a rather easy day, even if I did chat non-sexually with some girls.
I'm seeing from the counter that I'm almost reaching a month. I'm not counting days anymore, but one small milestone like one month will be good for my self-respect, especially as it will be one month of hard mode completed.
I'm feeling like a new person, I am really transforming myself on many levels and I am very proud of myself.
Thanks to all who read my journal, may you all find peace of mind and inner strength to keep on the sunny side of life.
arahant
Active Member
Day 27 and 28
I started with titling journal entries with days but I've decided that after reaching one month I will abandon this convention and I will not write every day but when I feel the need to update my journal.
Things are going well, my libido is incredibly high these days and I'm realising now that probably the first two weeks were a flatline for me.
So my sexual drive has surged and is still surging but I still don't feel any urge to PMO.
I do feel the need to have sex with a real person.
The situation I'm in at home is not easy as I live with my daughter and her mother but we're not together romantically any more and we live together just for our daughter's sake. I've had two or three affairs in the past and one of this women would want to see me again for sex but I'm declining her invitation as I would feel guilty towards my daughter's mother anyway. We are not together romantically but we do share our lives.
So at the moment the biggest risk for me is not porn but going back to escorts or massage parlours, as I would feel less guilty than having an affair. However at the moment that risk is very low, as I am afraid of getting diseases from escort on one hand and on the other hand I don't want to waste money. And first of all those things would not be acceptable under my current ethics standards.
I will just keep investing in my meditation practice as that is the only thing that can nurture my inner self.
Plus passing my time with my daughter, whom I love more than anyone else in the world.
So recover well today and fear not, we will prevail!
I started with titling journal entries with days but I've decided that after reaching one month I will abandon this convention and I will not write every day but when I feel the need to update my journal.
Things are going well, my libido is incredibly high these days and I'm realising now that probably the first two weeks were a flatline for me.
So my sexual drive has surged and is still surging but I still don't feel any urge to PMO.
I do feel the need to have sex with a real person.
The situation I'm in at home is not easy as I live with my daughter and her mother but we're not together romantically any more and we live together just for our daughter's sake. I've had two or three affairs in the past and one of this women would want to see me again for sex but I'm declining her invitation as I would feel guilty towards my daughter's mother anyway. We are not together romantically but we do share our lives.
So at the moment the biggest risk for me is not porn but going back to escorts or massage parlours, as I would feel less guilty than having an affair. However at the moment that risk is very low, as I am afraid of getting diseases from escort on one hand and on the other hand I don't want to waste money. And first of all those things would not be acceptable under my current ethics standards.
I will just keep investing in my meditation practice as that is the only thing that can nurture my inner self.
Plus passing my time with my daughter, whom I love more than anyone else in the world.
So recover well today and fear not, we will prevail!
Supercomeback
Member
High standards!
Where do you see your relationship going in the future? Is there hope of repairing it? What happens if your libido keeps increasing? Escorts and such is probably not a good idea.
Where do you see your relationship going in the future? Is there hope of repairing it? What happens if your libido keeps increasing? Escorts and such is probably not a good idea.
arahant
Active Member
I hope we will be able to repair this relationship, yes. In fact going porn-free was motivated by this aim too, as I noticed that when I looked at porn or spent a night edging on porn I treated her much worse than usual without usually noticing.
Of course escorts are not a good idea.
If my libido keeps increasing I will deal with it with meditation, I don't think anything else could handle it.
Of course escorts are not a good idea.
If my libido keeps increasing I will deal with it with meditation, I don't think anything else could handle it.