My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot

Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
I'm still amazed at the vast resources available here for recovery.

I'm currently displaying the cycle:  ....strength, setting goals, stress, isolation, fall, shame, get up........

Right now I'm in the "strength, and setting goals" phase.

Before long (I'm guessing about two weeks) I'll be convinced that I never had a problem with PMO.  Why did I make such a big deal about it?  Just don't think about it!  Then comes the inevitable work related stress, I'll feel rejected, then alone, and then BAM!  I make the decision to engage in a PMO session.  (Why was I avoiding PMO in the first place?  There's nothing wrong with PMO.  Stop being such a prude!)  Then comes the shame.  Then the whole cycle starts all over again......

I'm guessing the weakest link in this cycle is the "I make a decision to engage in a PMO session" phase.  What happens when I don't choose PMO?  Back to facing reality.  Find other outlets for work related stress. 

Exercise.  Meditation.  Vacation.  Time off.  Hobbies.  Time with Spouse.  See my Therapist.  Live a sane life.  Find healthy self enriching excitement. 

I need to seek out healthy, self-enriching excitement. 

It doesn't have to match the excitement of PMO.  But adrenaline and dopamine it must provide.  I tried marathon running, but I blew out my Achilles.  What's next?

Gabriel
 
camus

camus

Active Member
I'm currently displaying the cycle:  ....strength, setting goals, stress, isolation, fall, shame, get up........
Click to expand...

I know this cycle only too well Gabriel. I too am currently in the strength/setting goals phase - after having a pretty bad relapse last week.

When I do make a decision to use porn again, after a sober streak, I find I try my best not to think about the consequences. I must have relapsed over 100 times. There hasn't been a single time when I thought 'yes, this was a great idea'!

Looking forward to following your recovery thread buddy.
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
I'm thinking of taking up fencing or boxing.  I need something new and exciting in my life.  I have no direct experience with either.

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
I'm entering that phase, once again, in my addiction cycle, where I've forgotten why I'm even interested in abstaining from PMO.  My consequences, which have been huge, seem minor.  I just want to kick back and relax.  Just chill out.

This is probably the best journaling about my addiction to porn I've ever done, ever in life.  It must be the group journal/blog effect that is so useful. 

I'm driving (five hours each way) to spend some time with my Dad this weekend.  I have "Daddy" issues.  My Father suffers from narcissism.  Textbook case.  Not a malignant narcissist, but a narcissist none the less. 

Those of you with a narcissistic parent know what I'm going through.  Ugh.

I don't exist outside of him.  I'm merely an appendage of his, like and arm or a leg.  I have no individuality.  No separate humanity.  It's pretty repulsive.  Yet they can't exist without us.  Whatever.

Wish me luck.

Gabriel.

 
camus

camus

Active Member
Hey Gabriel, you have a lot of insight into your addiction. I have similar thoughts as I progress through porn withdrawl and start thinking; 'maybe I can control it this time', or 'perhaps I can just stick to soft porn' or 'porn is a normal healthy thing which men enjoy'.

In AA they say that alcohol is 'cunning and baffling' and in my experience, the same is true for porn. At the moment I have to acknowledge that any thinking whatsoever that minimizes the effect porn has had on my life, is my addiction, not me.

Stay strong brother :)
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
Planned on watching a five minute scene from a movie I've already watched several times.  Ended up watching the entire movie, so now I'm sleep-deprived.  If I can't get to the "neuro-chemical auto-pilot" from watching porn, I'll settle for a "Die Hard" movie. 

I could use some sleep.

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
My major focus will be on trying to manage isolation.  That's my Achilles Heel in this game.  The good news:  I'm happily married!    8) 8) 8)

I can tell already that 2016 is going to be a great year!

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
I'm feeling OK today.  I've come a long way.  Had many, many successes.  I've got nine years of monogamy.
Will be talking to my therapist about this stuff.

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
Am bookending that I'm going to check out the fencing club today.    It's two blocks from my place! 

Having a great week.  Went to a face-to-face meeting today.  I try, and generally succeed, in attending five face-to-face meetings a week.

Love you all,

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
I'm just experiencing my first major challenge. 

In the past, I would get this crazy idea about wanting to view a porn (related) video related to any particular nonsexually related task.  Any task, athletic or mundane, just viewed in a porn setting.

I just had a thought related to an activity I've been investigating, and how it would be to see that activity pornographically.

Wow.  I feel upset, and even sick about these thoughts.  I'm actually feeling dizzy and nauseous right now. 

This nausea and dizziness are probably the perfectly normal reaction to sexualizing something nonsexual.  I'm actually starting to feel sort of depressed just writing this.    I need to take a break.

Thanks,

Gabriel

 
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
Well, I just suffered through my first episode, for this run, of nausea related to sexual thoughts I had which disgusted me. 

I survived.  I experienced dizziness and nausea.  I blogged about it here (new behavior).  I made some outreach phone calls about it (have done this before, but not within the past several years).    I seem to be back on the beam now, but you know how that goes.

I investigated Fencing, which apparently includes fencing against members of the opposite sex.  (There is almost no physical contact.  As little physical contact is involved as possible, no matter which genders are participating.)    It's still a great work out, though.

The club only meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  The weekends are reserved for tournaments.  Everyone is fully clothed.

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
It is not reasonable for me to expect that abstinence from PMO is going to be all efficiency and top of my game.  Being triggered will upset me and throw me off balance sometimes.  Today I was really thrown off balance.  I got nauseous and dizzy, without PMO.

No one promised me that it would be easy.

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
I went to MSU.  I guess watching the NCAA playoffs this afternoon, even though State is behind so far, does make me feel better. 

Gabriel
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
Today Dharmabum said:

"So often, my desire for arousal (fantasy, porn) has little to do with my libido and so much more to do with wanting to hide from my feelings.  I feel fear, anxiety, or boredom and rather than sit with that honestly, I go into what i call my own personal "man cave", which is my mind, where I pull up some mental image of a former kinky situation or one I wished would happen.  But i don't really want those to happen.  I want an intimate, authentic relationship with my wife, and every time I let fantasy take over, I tell myself I'm powerless over my thoughts and decisions, but that's just not so. 

I've started using my meditation training to follow my breath when I start to get triggered, and I find that helps me snap out of my mental check-out and come back to the present moment.  The breathing also helps me settle down my anxieties and realize they are not yet realities...and may never be.  "

I guess this is true for me also.

Gabriel
 
F

Feetfirst

Guest
Hey Gabriel, just like to say you are doing brilliantly! Well done for your regular posts and face to face meetings. All essential stuff for recovery. Keep it up my friend. FF
 
Gabriel1960

Gabriel1960

Active Member
1. "Reboot/recovery for me means..."
2. "The root cause of my addiction is...."
3. "I get a dopamine high from..."
4. "Before relapsing, I start to feel..."
5. "The conditions that lead to relapse are always..."
6. "My safety plan before a relapse will now be..."

Reboot/recovery for me means I'll not be placing my happiness at risk.  I married well and I have an excellent job.  I want to keep both.  Backing away from PMO will help in my maintaining my relationships.

The root cause of my addiction is brain chemistry.  Although I suffered trauma in the past, many have suffered trauma without descending into porn addiction.  My problem is brain wiring and chemistry, and these can be conquered via behavioral modification.  Recovery is possible.

I get a dopamine high from PMO.  My brain craves it, even at the subconscious level, leading me to even dream about the pornographic images.  I can even feel the dopamine high while I'm in the dream state.

Before relapsing, I start to feel stress and isolation.  The isolation can be either physical, or just a mental isolation.

The conditions that lead to relapse are always stress and isolation.

My safety plan before a relapse will now be prayer and meditation, blogging, making phone calls, and attending face to face meetings.

Gabriel




 
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