My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot

[Gabriel1960]

  Quote from MTNMAN6288:  Anyone else's brains trying this trick:

"Just try softer stuff or even Swimsuit Issue-level images...that's a step in the right direction...wouldn't be as bad as before!"


LOL!  Yes!  And how about this one: 

"Looks like I picked the wrong week/month/year to quit PMO." 

LOL.

It's actually a Lloyd Bridges quote from the 1980 movie Airplane:

McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

Later in the movie....

McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. 

Later in the movie....

McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

Later in the movie....

McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.


Peace and love,

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

Based upon what I'm seeing here, and what my instinct is telling me.....

I'm going to start planning, for the first time ever in life, for a lifetime free from PMO, and it's effects. 

There's some dreams that I've want to fulfill, and now for the first time, I have the option of following up on them.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

Having a great day.  Of course, since I'm still so close to my PMO date, I'm sure I'll have some challenges this week.

But I'm optimistic.  Look forward to writing to all of you in the coming year.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

One of the benefits of my recovering in this area, is that I can be more present for others.  I have learned that this addiction is not a victimless crime.  Our behavior affects others in our lives.

My husband has an eating disorder that is at least as severe as my addiction to PMO.  As I continue to recover in this area of my life, which I seem to be doing, not only will I be dragging less spiritual debris into our marriage, but I'll actually be able to be a source of strength to him in his own recovery walk with food.

For those of us who are married, this disorder sometimes puts our spouses into the position of a parent role.....and things can go downhill from there.  I've been lucky in this area, that my spouse has been understanding and helpful.

I hope and pray that this recovery will place me in a position to be a further source of strength to others.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

The fencing club meets Tuesday and Thursday nights, with Tournaments on weekends.  I think it works pretty much like a dojo.  It might be rough on the knees, like basketball or tennis, but at 55, I'll never take it to that level.  I'm too old to be getting thrown around a dojo.

I need to mention that the daily blogging and reading routine, which is helping greatly, is also pretty triggering.  (But then again, so is watching TV.) 

So, although this suite of websites is somewhat triggering, the good outweighs the bad.  I noticed than on one of these lists they even have a problem with bloggers recommending the hiring of prostitutes!  That's not what I was expecting to see here.  Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire! 

Great idea!  Avoid PMO!  Get Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and a whole host of other hard to spell STDs!  Now there's a solution. That must of been what they meant when they thought up the metaphor of hitting oneself on the head with a hammer to cure a headache.  LOL.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

I just encountered an important epiphany.

I have the mental capacity to achieve as much of a mental dopamine high from daydreaming/fantasizing (without PMO) as I can obtain from physically engaging in PMO.  The huge difference is that I can generally pull myself out of a daydream, whereas I usually am unable to pull myself out of a PMO session.  PMO sessions can go on for twelve solid hours.  Daydreaming usually only lasts for a few minutes.  But my daydreaming can get very hot and heavy. 

This new understanding explains a lot of the discouragement I've encountered over the last twenty years of my PMO recovery.

In the past, when I've sustained lengthy abstinence (in 1995 I was able to pull together about eleven months), I would daydream, and then be able to realistically tell myself:  "Well, you might as well physically relapse, you are experiencing the same overall impact of a relapse anyway." 

That wasn't true then, and it isn't true now, but it sounds pretty convincing in the moment.  You understand.

Those thoughts and rationalizations were pretty confusing and discouraging.  My dopamine-hungry brain can be impressively persuasive.

I haven't been able to open up about this ever before.

In the context of "Your Brain on Porn," though, this all make a lot of sense. 

Now the question becomes...do I need or want to track an "abstinence date" from daydreaming? 

Would that even be healthy? 

Scrupulosity

In the past, I've driven myself nearly insane with scrupulosity.  (I discovered that there actually is a twelve step program known as "Scruples Anonymous.") 

I'm going to discuss this with my Therapist.  Does it make sense to track an abstinence date from daydreaming, which can place me in the same dopamine-infused mental state as PMO?

These kind of discussions can, themselves, drive a person crazy.

Still though, I am looking forward to more epiphanies.  How can you solve for an answer, when you don't even know the question?

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

I'd like to lessen my use of the "f" word.  It doesn't really fit with my lifestyle. 

I'll add this to my morning meditation.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

For some great laughs, I added the phrase "NoFap" to my work passwords. It lightened up my day, for sure.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

My therapist introduced me to YBOP for the first time this month. Been working on NoFap since 1994, when my first wife caught me. I knew as soon as I saw all of this content that I needed something to help me to take the focus off of PMO. I read somewhere on reddit/NoFap this month about guys who recommended Fencing, of all things.
At 55, I'm too old to be tossed around a dojo. I need something that will keep my attention and yet still be good for my core.
After some research, I found out that there's a fencing school two blocks from my house, in the basement of a Cultural Organization. The fencing school is renting space from the Cultural Organization.
Fencing is hard on your knees, but my knees are OK, so that shouldn't be a problem.
I went last night and I really enjoyed it. I figured I can keep it up for at least a while. This school is only for sabre fighting, they don't use the foil or the epee. It turns out that sabre fencing has the lowest injury rate.
The things we'll do to avoid PMO!
As an aside, if you need a good laugh now and then: I changed my work/banking computer passwords to include the phrase "NoFap." (Like Nof@p2016!) Guaranteed to put a smile on your face throughout the day.
Best,
Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

"When life gives you lemons......punch life in the dick." - NoFap Emergency Website.
Was served with a Grand Jury subpoena today. No worries.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

I just had a recovery growth spurt this evening. For the first time in 22 years of working on this PMO thing, it dawned on me what a pathetically stupid idea it was to substitute PMO with eating sweets. How remarkably ignorant of me. Eating sweets only fuels PMO addiction. Duh!

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

I just realized last night, after going to AA for twenty-two years, that although eating sweets, as a substitute for booze is a GREAT idea while detoxing, eating sweets - if I'm feeling particularly compulsive - is a STUPID idea. If I'm feeling compulsive, eating candy is like throwing GASOLINE on a FIRE.

At least I know I now!

Woo-hoo!

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

Just took my first NoFap cold shower.

I didn't scream like a girl. What I heard come out of me was the blood-curdling scream of a 55 year old woman being brutally murdered.

I survived.

Gabriel

 

[harry]

Good for you, Gabriel!

You've joined the Cold Shower Brigade.

 

[Feetfirst]

Hey Gabriel, just dropping in to say well done! You are doing great! 30 days under the belt. Great progress. Cold showers. Not sure I am up for that but I'm sure it works. Enjoy. Yes I am with you on the sweeties. One of my downfalls. As I don't drink or smoke sweeties is my remaining indulgence. Tough one to break but as you say. It is only fuel to the fire of addiction. Keep going!! FF

 

[Gabriel1960]

I grew up in a household where we would celebrate weight loss by having an ice cream sundae.  No joke.

Why not celebrate one month of freedom from PMO by engaging in PMO?  That's my sick mind for you.  I've actually been on hard mode this past week because my spouse has been in Florida this week visiting relatives.  It goes back to the old Airplane! movie joke: "I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"

I'll be OK today.  One day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. 

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

Had a rough day today.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

Feeling a little better.  Had a rough week.  Am going through the phase I always have encountered where I don't remember ever having a problem with PMO, and I can't imagine why I ever thought I did. 

This thought pattern used to frighten me, because I knew that it implied that I was experiencing a sort of denial.  But today, I know I have a solution when I encounter my next test. 

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

Comfortably settling in to my new life, post detox, without PMO. One day at a time. Have to constantly be on the lookout for denial, which tells me I don't have a problem.

Gabriel

 

[Gabriel1960]

I've discovered that desserts work like Viagra on me.  It's not necessary for me to consume sugar to PMO, but the two were/are always connected.

Twenty years ago, when I first attempted to stop the PMO,  I was, coincidentally, also encouraged to see a nutritionist.  Both I and the nutritionist were shocked at the level of my dessert consumption.  It was off the charts.  I had no idea.

I then got off sweets for about a year back then, and was also off PMO for about the same time.  I never made the connection, though, between my dessert consumption and how difficult it made it to avoid PMO. 

I am hereby dis-abused of that ignorance.

Thanks for helping me come to this realization.

Gabriel