My journey to restoration

[pinkerton]

Totally feel for you on going to the store with 4 kids. That's tiring.
  I tried so hard to get it through to my wife that it had nothing to do with her being unattractive or less attractive or me wanting other women. I thought if i could just make her 'get it' then she would be ok. But sometimes what we feel doesn't care much about facts. Especially when they are being told to us by someone that has lied to us. And maybe the fact that it had "nothing to do with her" is hurtful in itself. She was left out.
I know it will get better with time. And my wife doesn't look like she did when we got married, time and babies change things, but i still think she's beautiful and sexy. I'm sure your husband feels the same.

 

[Objectified1]

Recap on my week. Sunday was not a great day. Certainly not like last week. I swear he still is looking, and if I were to listen to I my head I would most likely be right. It's so hard having someone you love lie to you continually. Your heart wants to believe them, your whole being wants to believe them, but you know from recent evidence (try the last 3 years), it would Almost be stupid to do so. It's part of what makes it so hard to trust him. He tries to make me believe I'm almost seeing things. No, he wasn't looking up that girls skirt that was bent over unknowingly showing off her whole Backside. Now, this is the man who has admitted to me repeatedly that he went out of his way to look and find women to look at it. Now he's telling me that yes he was watching her try to get the toy from the 2 fighting children and no he didn't at first notice that you could almost see her whole backside, when he did he turned away. Nope, don't believe you hubby.  Anyway, as a result (there was one or two other times I suspected he was looking) my day turned out pretty bad. I was irritable, cranky and upset. I know I have to leave it and pray about it. I know it's up to God to change him. I know I can trust God to look out for me, but it's so hard. Who likes to think about being deceived AGAIN. God cares about me, much more then my husband and he cares about my husband much more then I do. I need to continually keep God in the forefront of my mind. It's so easy to get bogged down by this stuff. I am dreading summer when all the girls are out in their next to nothings... Sigh. GOD, Leave it to God. So when I got home from church Sunday I called my dad who knows all about what's going on with me and my husband right down to his ED. My dad is a Christian with a strong faith. While he agrees that what my husband did was wrong and hurtful, he doesn't fully comprehend the extend of the damage this can do & has done to me and us. He of course feels that my husband loves me etc etc... He feels that men can lust after others AND love their wives . Anyway, I find when I discuss it with a real live human, he is literally the one person I have ever discussed it in person, I get very emotional about it. I do sometimes when I write on here as well but when I talk about it out loud I feel the pain as if it was yesterday and all the other emotions that go with it . Talking to my dad and crying on the phone, some of the emotions I feel very strongly are, hurt, anger, humiliated... That's a big one. I feel very humiliated That my husband did this to me. I feel like such a fool. And it seems when I speak it out loud it's like ripping open a raw wound. So when I got off the phone we had a bit of a discussion but not huge. All week since then I have to say it's been a rough week in regards to my husbands issues. I have been suspicious all week. To be fair he is causing it in my opinion. He is unusually quiet. Which just has me in a paranoid state. When he was doing all the stuff he was doing he was overly distant and quiet a lot. So now whenever he's quiet I'm upset. So we had Sunday and then him being quiet Monday and Tuesday. He swears he is just tired but I strongly feel he is keeping something from me. I'll tell you one thing, I won't go through this again. If I am not worth it to stay away from porn then I'm not
Going to be here. Addicted or not, I don't care. I actually don't think he has a strong addiction anyway because he quit just like that. Although he says it's not the strength of the addiction it's what his relationship means to him. He claims he didn't see anything wrong with it and didn't think it was affecting our relationship but once he realized it was he quit. Which is not totally true. He knew it was affecting our relationship long before I knew, but he refused to stop till I knew about it. Anyway, I will spend time in prayer and reading which I have been neglecting this week. Could be part of the reason I am allowing this stuff to get to me more.

 

[Objectified1]

What a day so far. It's beautiful out. Joggers in skin tight spandex pants everywhere. Every time I see one i cringe inside. Makes me feel so ugly. Makes me angry. How dare him compare me to every female that walks (isn't that what fabtasizing about other is doing more or less)! Why marry someone to dream about everyone else?! How in the world can't you think this is going to hurt your SO? Really? Oh yes hubby.. You saw a girl on the street today so you went to the bathroom when you got home and masturbated, ultimately having an orgasm to the thoughts of doing/ being with her in various sexual positions/ ways. Have NO IDEA why that would upset ANYONE?! sorry, but this Doesn't sit right with me. I can't, don't and won't believe that he never thought that would be hurtful. I notice he wasn't discussing his fantasies with me. Why is that? Why wouldn't he tell
Me he was doing this if it's not hurtful and he never thought it would be. I think the reasons are obvious. It's hidden because it's OBVIOUSLY hurtful and it's the same as cheating in my mind. Where does cheating start?! In the head... It all starts in the mind. I am tired of feeling like crap beside him. I am mad today because I am SO sick of this! I am SO sick of going places and feeling like the ugly piece of crap beside him while all the desirable ones are out there. I feel like he's forced to be by my side. What is it? The kids? The fact that it would be too uncomfortable to change his life? Sick of this! I want to feel special to the man I'm with. Chosen. I want to know that he CHOOSES me. He has made me feel so ugly and valueless and at times I feel intense hate for him because of it. One of the only things that stops me from trying to just start again is the fact that I am a Christian. I am accountable before God for the things I do. I know that he wants me to stay with my husband and if I intentionally go against Gods will it will end up worse then the alternative. I believe Gods will for me is always what's best in my life. At times it is hard though and i really don't want to do Gods will. I think to myself, I can't do this. The nicer it gets out, the more I think, I can't do this. I am not spending 90% of my summer feeling like the ugly duckling tieing him down. The only way to do it is through God. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God.." I have to do that EVERYDAY. I have to seek him first. What an immature and selfish thing he has done. Sometimes I can't believe how immature he seems. I'm thinking really? I married a child, an oversized child! When life gets tough and things arnt going his way, instead of looking for a solution or trying to find a way to make things better or maybe focusing on his family he spends his time in childish self absorbed fantasies that give him a false ego boost. Pretending he's better if only in his imagination. And the way he chose to give himself a ego boost... Through sexually satisfying my Sisters and other random women in his fantasizes?! This is what makes you a man?! This is what makes you a great guy. Your special
Penis powers?! My how our world is screwed up! Men don't take pride in being a hero to their wife , or children, or being a good provider or a child of God. No, I am great guy if I can demoralize myself and other women and put more pegs on my bedpost. The more women I screw and ultimately pleasure (which by the way, is about making HIM feel good really, not her), the better I am? How twisted. Meanwhile, your wife, who really loves you is alone. What's for your love and attention and can't get it because it's caught up in women you have nothing to do with. HOW RIDICULOUS! I pray that God will help me get through this summer, day by day, with my family
Still in tact by the end of it. I have also considered leaving him for the summer but then I think, if I leave for the summer, I might as well stay gone. It's stupid. If I can't stand to be Around him when there's any women that's fairly attractive or provocatively dressed something has  to change. I need to pray. Prayer helps. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

 

[punctual doer]

Hello I'm a 21 yo (soon) male and I 'm pretty touched by your last post.
I'm going to give you some advices that can help your husband or you as well.

I suggest you a stupid simple stuff called karezza that could drastically improve your relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6jOp7XmjGY
And also do the "Sexual Transmutation" by Napoleon Hill: thinking about your goals and use the sexual energy to reach excellence.  Actually, semen has really important nutrients for the body and its "retention" will definately improve it (I experienced it after 2months clean from M/P in May 2013 where I met my biggest crush).



Here's my personnal tips:
1_Buy a big beautiful copybook.
2_Buy pens.
3_Entitle your copybook's cover "TOMORROW".
4_Take 10 minutes to write down your daily tomorrow plan between 5AM and 9PM.
5_I suggest you to include at least 5 hours of workout per week.
6_When your to do list is 70 or 100% complete at the end of the day, write in red the things that didn't work or that need to be improved next time.
7_Do this every single day.
8_Also if you can, cross a calendar to know the progress you've made.
Keeping a streak like this will improve your good-dopamine pathways (and will destroys the junk-dopamine ones).

WARNING: It is very simple to do. But you have to choose constant commitment over constant novelty. You'll may be irritated or frustrated at first, but then it will be good trust me. ACT RIGHT ON TIME is your mission now. It is so simple to do and ironically very tough. So get ready for that daily tomorrow plan.


AND ALSO, set your goals with a deadline to reach them (5-10-20 years from now for example). Precise your wildest dreams as much as possible, set gradual goals (or "ideal points") in order to feed the gap between your current situation and where you want to be. Step by step.

Get educated with tons of books and videos and audios and pictures on the Internet. Don't forget to GO OUTSIDE and feel that crowd pressure and social anxiety,  it is another good-dopamine pathways remedy. You'll find yourself weird first, but you'll laugh after a while.


I suggest you to follow hollywood star Terry Crews on Facebook or youtube because he dealt with PMO addiction too and now sober for more than 6 years with his wife and kids  he managed to get back, he revealed his learning in his "Dirty Little Secret" video series on Youtube also. I'm reading his book "Manhood" also, powerfull and inspirational.

Full responsibility, being thankfull and laser-like focus are the three keys.


God bless you.

 

[Objectified1]

This week so far isn't turning out to be much better then last week. However, my sunday was good, as far as I can remember. I have the feeling like something is up. He swears there's nothing. Everything is great, he's not doing anything, he's not lying to me. I can't believe him. I want to but he has told SO many lies through all this that all I can think is, yea, but remember when I was so hurt over all this that I could barely function and you were lying to me THEN. He feels distant, different. He is looking at women more again, it's not in my head like he tries to convince me. Gaslighting they call it. Plus, he is having trouble with his ED again. It has never fully went away yet anyway, but it seems to be getting bad again. He is tired a lot lately and we are fighting, if that's what you would call it when I tell him how I feel and he just looks at me, upset about it. I guess it's more accurate to say we are stressed lately. I do notice it seems to affect his ED when we are stressed/fighting. I don't know why though. It never did before. But I suppose we never really fought before because he never expressed himself. He just kept quiet and probably PMO'd.  :-\  I want to believe him, so in the meantime I will leave it with God. He allowed me to see the issue in the first place, he wont allow it to go on again behind my back. Praying for a better week. I want to have a better week then I have had in a long time. I will have a better week, I will make it a better week then it has been in a long time.

 

[pinkerton]

Hey, hoping you Are having a better week. Take care

 

[Objectified1]

Thanks Pinkerton.

 

[Objectified1]

Today was better to a degree. Must have to do with last night. We talked a bit about everything and me feeling like there is something up for the last week or two. He was nice and actually seemed to be listening and concerned about how I feel. Whenever we talk he tells me how much he loves me and he says that I mean everything to him. How confusing. He says he has no desire to go back to PMO or M. Occasionally he gets a temptation To M but that is a weekly habit he had since he was a young teenager, so it is understandable. The dangerous part is he uses it to alter moods though. He is always tempted in the am, if we fight and don't resolve it that night. It's not normal to use sex to cover up other things or mask uncomfortable feelings. Sex is meant to be a loving act between two people. The masturbation never bothered me either. Me being the naive wife I am, never suspected That he would be doing it to porn or fantasies of other people. That is the part that hurt so much, although in the end he was taking from us and Chosing it over us as well. How sad when pretend fantasies and pixels on a screen are better then the real thing. After we talked I felt way better. If I am feeling so bad and he actually sits down and has a discussion with me I feel so much better. He said he felt much better after we talked as well. He finds it emotionally exhausting when I'm stressed I guess. Try being me honey, try being me. I don't mean to stress him, but he is the cause of all this. His actions got us here. I noticed a difference in him this am. He got up, made breakfast and talked with me too. Unusual for him in the am. I was happy. He seemed a lot happier this morning. He said he didn't realize he wasn't talking as much lately he has just been exhausted this last week
Or two he's not sure why. He has sleep apnea so I think that plays into it. Plus lung issues, bb's getting up through the night etc. I don't blame him for being tired. I told him, talk. Just talk and things will be much better much quicker. Communication is key. So, I am still somewhat suspicious and don't 100 percent believe he's been up to nothing but time will tell.

 

[hoopvol]

Hi Objectified1,

You are so right: communication is the key. When we both were on this forum, it helped us talk about certain things. It fed our conversations, so to speak. He stopped posting after a while and now I think, it's because he was already slipping. It fits the timeline. That's the moment my posts turn a bit sour, so unconsciously I sensed what was going on. But when do you share your doubts with him? To me, that's always a difficult question. When you're wrong, it sounds like an accusation. Or he may take it the wrong way: I'm doing the best I can and still it's not good enough. And you don't want to put more pressure on him, which might set him back. I chose to ignore my gut-feeling and it turned out I was right. But I waited till I was absolutely sure. That was the moment P found its way into our bed: in stead of making love to me, he was having sex. And still it was hard to bring it up.. it's like fearing you are very ill, but you don't want to see a doctor, cause you're afraid of what he will tell you.
I don't know you or your husband, so I can't give you any answers to wether he is up to something or not, but as you say: time will tell. My husband reached the point of no return: he knew he wouldn't be able to stop without help. He knew, that soon, he wouldn't be able to hide it anymore/he started to realize, I already saw the signs.
I wish you all the strength you'll need (and wisdom)

 

[Objectified1]

Thanks Hoopval. <3

 

[Trustandnewbeginnings]

Thanks for directing me to your journal, Objectified1. I see plenty of similarities in our stories, and as much as I hate that any of us are going through this, it is comforting to read your thoughts and feel that I am not alone. Their porn addiction makes us so lonely, having the one who is sworn to be your partner in life turn their back on you and leave you on your own without saying a word, for you to figure out on your own in the dark. It's good to have found others that share this path, it is terrifying stumbling through the dark on your own but as soon as you know there are others in the same predicament it certainly makes the pain and fear a bit less.

At one point in your journal you can to the same conclusion I did, that God will continue to show you the problem and to put faith in that. Years ago I would have thought that a foolish idea, but now I have opened my eyes and realized I wasn't discovering things on my own. If anything, I was getting in my own way by looking the other way and suppressing those suspicions into the "back closet of my mind" and to a certain extent, enabling the behavior. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the times I have caught him have been by God's will and not simply dumb luck.

I hope your husband is simply tired and that is the cause of his behavior and your suspicions. If not then I hope he comes to you with honesty or you are shown the issues soon so your time worrying is reduced and you can start moving forward once again. In the meantime, keep your head up and find peace to go about your day.

 

[Objectified1]

Thanks trustandnewbeginnings.

 

[Objectified1]

Yesterday was not a good sunday, at all. Probably one of the worst I have had in a long time. The same old same old, and he didn't do anything wrong. Just being with him around people who are dressed in less then a tent makes me so insecure and makes me think of what he did. I realize he can't help that. I need to get over being bitter that he caused the issue. I need to move on. How do I move on? How do I push back all these feelings or hurt, rejection, insecurity and move on? I get caught up in it. That's the biggest problem. Life is way to short to be stuck in this and to let this run our lives. If I am to be honest and not let my anger speak, I truly believe he is repentant and that he wants us. I truly believe that he wants me...I wrote and loves me, but then I deleted the "and loves me" part, because I REALLY don't know that he does or ever did. I guess I want to think he does, I think he does but I don't truly believe it.
Satan will try to get us down. He wants one of two things, one being our soul, and if he cant have that, if we accept the Lord Jesus Christ as our saviour and take our place as his child and accept our spot in heaven, he then wants to take my happiness. The devil is always happy if sinners are happy on the way to hell so as not to think of where they are headed or saved individuals are miserable on their way to heaven so to not influence others of God's goodness and joy. Also he doesn't want the christian to enjoy anything.
To answer my own question, how do I get over it? When I really sit and contemplate it, there is only one way and that is through God.
Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
It also says in the bible that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

I am weak and failing because I am looking at the problem and not to him (God). I am looking at the problem and at self. And at hubby. It is our natural tendency to look to self, but God wants me to look to him.
The verse that I got saved through says it all
Matthew 11:28-29

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

Oh do I need rest. This was needed for salvation and it is also needed to be a conqueror in this life.

Romans 8:37

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

Isaiah 40:31

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

This is the missing link. I need to bring it to him in prayer and leave it there. EVERY TIME I feel insecure, EVERY TIME I think he is doing something that will hurt me, I need to leave it to God. Not to mention prayer and reading my bible. I will admit I have been slacking and I have not been putting sufficient time into it. I feel it. I am weak minded, so to speak, I let these things get me down, I forget to keep God and eternity in perspective when I dont renew my mind with the word of God.

God wants us to have happy prosperous lives. He wants us to be successful. He wants us to be good influences to others. He wants us to show the Glory of God on earth. He would have us do that by leading happy successful lives. We would lead happy successful lives by sticking close to him.
I want to bring Glory to God with my life. I dont want to sit in this stink pile and wallow. I am sad that I did that yesterday. Each day I waste is a day I can't get back. God help me make use of my days. HELP me live like TODAY is all I have. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Help me lead others to be strong and bring God glory. DON'T allow me to lead others into despondency and despair. I have a God bigger then any problem I can fathom. The God of this universe is on my side.
Romans 8:31
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
Psalm 27
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

I will not let the devil take this day and I will not be part of his schemes.
1 Peter 5:8

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Psalm 51:12-14
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

 

[Objectified1]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvdf9CxIcNE

All the tears of all of His children
Just like the ocean our Father holds
He sees the burdens
He sees the struggles and every fear
Even my own
So many things I don't understand
But He is God
And He knows all of it

[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
Let us run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

[Verse 2]
From the borders where the nations war
To the battles inside our homes
From the streets where the orphans cry
To the loneliness inside our hearts
In the place where I am
Shore to shore
Every land

[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
Let us run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world in His hands

[Verse 3]
From the moment when my mother died
To the first breath of my baby boy
I felt God
He was with me then
Through the heartache and in the joy
Yes, every tear that we cry
God is with us by our side


[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
I'm gonna run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world in His hands

My whole post just suddenly deleted. Shoot me.

Anyway, In short I was writing about how I was thinking yesterday that there will never come a time that I will be able to think of what he did and it wont hurt.
I am hoping that in time I will be able to think of it and not feel extreme hate for him. I am sure it is not good for our relationship or us that I intermittently feel hate for him. It is hard to know that this will always hurt. I feel like there is damage done to us that can never be repaired. We are damaged goods now.
I was thinking of how horrible it is going to be the first time we go home to see my family instead of joyous like it should be. I can imagine that everything I have felt to date will be magnified by 50 or more. I have avoided my sisters for months (calls, texting) because they are living reminders of what he has done. I feel like he has put a huge wedge between me and the people closest to me. My relationship with the people closest to me is damaged because of him.  I will feel hurt and humiliated so much more to be in their presence. How will I hide how I am feeling? Can you imagine if they knew!? How embarrassing! Makes me want to leave him on the spot. If I wasn't a christian, I wouldn't be here. It feels like I am degrading myself and devaluing myself by just staying with someone who has done these things to me. But I know God feels I should forgive and if he is repentant that I should stay. If he is willing that I should work it out. It is SO hard at times. A lot of the time I feel like he isn't doing near enough to gain back my trust or make me feel loved again. I also feel like hes still doing stuff behind my back. I cant trust him. I hate that. It makes me so angry. I cant get over feeling cheated and I hate it.

 

[Objectified1]

So I have decided to really work on myself. It really is the only thing I can focus on and guarantee results. I have been listening to audios while driving.... As a man thinketh, the power of positive thinking, Andy Andrew and the 7 decisions etc. Today after listening to as a man thinketh I had a ah ha moment. When I decide that my value lies in other people's actions and opinions I am giving up my power as the person who controls myself . so I wrote hubby a few texts, and I feel better. The thing is our thinking becomes habitual. We don't even realize, for the most part the automatic dialogue going on in our heads. When I allowing someone else to determine my worth I have to snap out of it and remind myself. That's not true. You are a child of God and regardless of what others say or do your are valuable.

So here are the texts I sent hubby :
Just thinking about things that happened and my reaction to them. Although my reaction is natural for someone in my position I'm really going to work at fixing it. It doesn't matter what you do. My value doesn't change. My value doesn't change by your perception or anyone else's of me. I am valuable today and when you value me and I am also valuable when you don't. I am attractive whether you think so or not. I am as attractive today as I was before you insinuated I was no longer attractive by the way you acted and treated me. What you do or don't think can't and never will change what I am or am not. I am valuable no matter who see it or chooses to acknowledge it. I need to treat myself that way and realize that my value doesn't change by your actions.

He says : That is very true. I want to show you how much I value you.

Me: My value also doesn't sit in my looks. I am a person that holds value as an individual. I have something to offer the world. I am not my body. I don't gain or decrease value as my physical appearance changes. I can't believe you made me feel that way or that I allowed you to. It's your loss that you dont see that

He replies: I don't want it to be a loss. You mean everything to me. I want you to see that. I love you.


I need to keep this in mind. I have to be the master of my mind. This can be super hard and I can have a negative self image because of it OR I can decide I am who I am regardless of what he decides to do. I can only control me and I can control how I allow the things he does to affect me. If I lust after other men and see them as more attractive as my husband. If I decide he is no longer valuable to me, does that actually make him less valuable now that I have decided he is less valuable?! Of course not! So why on this earth would I take that on myself? Why would I allow him to decide my value by his actions. Foolishness. God and God alone determines my value.

 

[pinkerton]

Thank you! I try to get that through to my wife sometimes. No luck yet.

 

[Trustandnewbeginnings]

"I need to keep this in mind. I have to be the master of my mind. This can be super hard and I can have a negative self image because of it OR I can decide I am who I am regardless of what he decides to do. I can only control me and I can control how I allow the things he does to affect me. If I lust after other men and see them as more attractive as my husband. If I decide he is no longer valuable to me, does that actually make him less valuable now that I have decided he is less valuable?! Of course not! So why on this earth would I take that on myself? Why would I allow him to decide my value by his actions. Foolishness. God and God alone determines my value."

Wow, thank you. I really needed to read this. You really hit the nail on the head, I need to accept this truth for myself. I feel like this is a huge step in the healing process. Thank you for sharing, this is honestly one of the best posts I've read on the subject of the partner's recovery!

 

[Objectified1]

Trustandnewbeginnings, those are very kind words. It is 11 months in for me in this process and has taken a lot for me to get to this point. It is also a matter of correcting the automatic thinking that happens in my brain. I write that, which is the easy part, but now I have to go back and remind myself of it OVER AND OVER, day after day. If I am not conscious of the dialogue going on in my head, before I am even aware of it, I am once again back at letting his actions determine my value. At first I didn't even realize I was doing this.

Pinkerton, it is extremely hard to actually accept that. I think we all natural allow others to contribute to our value subconciously if we are not careful. The consequence of this is of course that they can then subtract from our value as well. Your wife does we'll to just accept that you did it and continue with you. of course that is not meant in a mean way towards you.

 

[Objectified1]

So, tonight the topic of my sisters came up. Yep, not good. I realize from time to time that I avoid topics for weeks or longer because they are quite painful. This is one of them. We can graze the topic but get into a full fledge discussion about it and it's never good. I want to know why. Why would he fantasize about ALL my sisters. How could he do that to me? How could he get up in the morning (for over a year too), go have an orgasm to the thoughts of doing/having sex with my sisters and then come turn me down because you just screwed my sisters instead in the bathroom. Give me a kiss goodbye and say I love you. What love! Why???? I wish I didn't know!! I feel such intense hate for him whenever we discuss it. It's not even just that he did it but he did It for over a year! Behind my back. How can I EVER trust a man that could do that??? What kind of guy can do that and look me in the eye everyday and say i love you? I have never felt so much anger, hurt, humiliation, hatred like I do when we breech this topic. I start to think im over it to.. Well not over it, but getting better. Then I realize it's simply that we haven't discussed it in any detail. I am so sick of all this!! So sick of it. I am tired. Tired of hurting, doubting. Being angry. Hurt yes. I want to leave it all behind and walk away. How much easier would that be?? Over trying to trust him again and get past this. There are times that I wish he wasn't repentant . Then I could leave. Yes I do believe that I am not my own, therefore the choice is not mine . It is Gods. I am bought with a price and even thought at times I feel like this is killing me, I have to do what God would have me to do. The blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin. Even cleanse him from this sin. How do I forgive him like God would have me to do??

 

[Warthog]

Not knowing how strong the family resemblance is between you and your sisters, but it is not unlikely that the same things that attracted him to you also attract him to them.  That was certainly the case with my wife (and yes, I did fantasize about her sisters).