I know I'm awesome, and I need time, help and action to become actualised

[fyg]

07:00 = MO... I'm not gonna reset my counter just yet, as thinking it through...

Struggled to sleep last night, which may be many things. The loss of my friend, essay deadlines, horniness from testosterone peak, women seen over last couple of days, sugar consumed last night (trying to give up sugar) and poor eating in the day (no greens or veg), dehydrated from the days previous's hangover.

I was edging, very briefly (but most likely as I couldn't sleep/bout of one-night-insomnia, damn!) but knew it was risky. MO was to fantasy - but to a woman I know, and have held a libidinal torch for, for a few years now. I see her now-and-again, and it reminds. It's a similar recurring fantasy that comes to me, it's difficult to shake off, as it's fueled by new interaction with the person. But know I shouldn't go there, as it's been bound-up, somehow as one of the compounds that lead to relapse, in the past - it's complicated, right?! Again, referencing Boo - who advised the other day that MO'ing to fantasy was "dancing with the devil", and could lead to PMO, in this case, could very well be true (though didn't necessarily agree the other day) Must be vigilant! This time, as with my MO last testosterone peak, hardly needed any friction, whatsoever!

Also, edged, using the friction of bedding!! a couple of hours later, almost to O. The 'almost O', actually gave me a feeling of relaxedness/completion close to that of which O sometimes gives. Making me question the definition of an O!

Finally, also found that lying in bed when I'm not sleeping (usually in the morning after wake - but this was not being able to sleep last night/this morning) is a trigger too - as there is some struggle between me wanting to get out of bed, and not getting out of bed, which can lead to MO, certainly in the past. But, I felt it this early AM, maybe next time, get out of bed, sit in a chair with a relaxing hot drink and read a little????

Anyways, apologies for this detailed and possibly boring, bit angsty, analytical reading.

Cheers

 

[fyg]

MO'd again last night around midnight. Today, brain-fog. Whether it's directly linked, I don't know. But, the vitality that came with NoMO, around day 9, has gone, at least for now. I'd rather deal with this vitality - I read something to this in Leon's journal or one of his posts, re: being present, rather than escaping - and experience the emotions.

NoMO for me for the next 90. I say that with the humility, but without language that makes the commitment any less than 100%!

Cheers!

 

[Leon]

MO'd again last night around midnight. Today, brain-fog. Whether it's directly linked, I don't know. But, the vitality that came with NoMO, around day 9, has gone, at least for now. I'd rather deal with this vitality - I read something to this in Leon's journal or one of his posts, re: being present, rather than escaping - and experience the emotions.

NoMO for me for the next 90. I say that with the humility, but without language that makes the commitment any less than 100%!

Cheers!

Hi, fyg. Wanted to link to your journal/journey- and read much so far.

Good choice in tackling the MO as well as PMO as in my experience, one has fed the other- in fact, I kind of view pornography as an extension or elaboration of the act of masturbation. Both (typically) involve fantasy, etc, but are both 'solo-sex', without that real emotional connection, and so jack us up when it comes to making it with a real woman (be that our wife, or a girl friend/lover).

Something deeper in us craves for emotional connection, maybe for intimacy on a deep plane- and we've sexualized these needs somewhere along the way, turned them into maladaptive behaviors which we use to soothe all ails. Identifying things as they are is half the battle.

Here for you, man, we can do this!

 

[fyg]

Hi again Leon, and thanks for reading,

I won't write too much, as just posted in your journal, plus, it may take me a long time to negotiate and articulate the answer(s) to the many angles that are available to these topics (this along with my ability to overthink answers!!) All in good time, somebody recommended to me lately.

Thank you for being here, man, I appreciate it. And yas! we can do this!

 

[Boo]

Good choice in tackling the MO as well as PMO as in my experience, one has fed the other- in fact, I kind of view pornography as an extension or elaboration of the act of masturbation. Both (typically) involve fantasy, etc, but are both 'solo-sex', without that real emotional connection, and so jack us up when it comes to making it with a real woman (be that our wife, or a girl friend/lover).

Something deeper in us craves for emotional connection, maybe for intimacy on a deep plane- and we've sexualized these needs somewhere along the way, turned them into maladaptive behaviors which we use to soothe all ails. Identifying things as they are is half the battle.

Here for you, man, we can do this!

I couldn't agree more. It took a lot of soul searching and the wisdom of others to finally accept the reality of this. It takes a change in perception to to elevate us from our baser cravings.  Intimacy should not be a solo practice but something shared, with a physical connection being just a part of the sum total. A bonus of being a better master over my behaviors is a renewal of my self respect. I can look into my wife's beautiful brown eyes and not feel an inward shame.  We all need to have a "why" to see the path of "how".

fyg, I hope you find your "why" (which can be very personal ,to be sure) Leon is a good resource for the "how".

 

[fyg]

I couldn't agree more. It took a lot of soul searching and the wisdom of others to finally accept the reality of this. It takes a change in perception to to elevate us from our baser cravings.  Intimacy should not be a solo practice but something shared, with a physical connection being just a part of the sum total. A bonus of being a better master over my behaviors is a renewal of my self respect. I can look into my wife's beautiful brown eyes and not feel an inward shame.  We all need to have a "why" to see the path of "how".

fyg, I hope you find your "why" (which can be very personal ,to be sure) Leon is a good resource for the "how".

Thanks Boo,

I hear you on the baser cravings, as the other day, I saw, I'll just say, an attractive woman in public, who held my gaze. This actually happened on two occasions. But re: this partic time, I definitely got a libidinal urge... though, as I thought about it, I wondered if this was simply a desire to O, without any emotional connection as you and Leon have mentioned. A while later I was thinking of going home to MO... and all of this simply felt too much simply like PMO.

That said, I don't think there is anything wrong with two consenting adults have sex, without massive emotional connection - I just don't know whether I'm geared that way*, and is probably part of what I'm trying to work out. This last year and a half has seen an increase in my experiences with women, vis-a-vis dating, sex and connection (to a certain degree). The connection part is something I really want, though I think what's upsetting is that western males are made to feel they must pursue women for sex, before friendship, and again, there is nothing wrong with consenting sex, imho... but I feel, both us and women lose out on connections that could be fruitful because of this expectancy which both sexes play into. Maybe the younger generation (Generation Y) have this sorted, at least from what they say, though, from my limited observation of their interactions, I'm not so sure!

Anyway... Don't want to ramble too much.

Your mention of your connection with your wife is heart-warming, Boo. Thanks for sharing, and appreciate your advice. As well as Leon's and others

Thanks so much for posting.

*will follow this post with an example didn't seem appropriate when I went to write it. Maybe another time

 

[fyg]

2(MO) from earlier today and no need to comment further...

Onwards... Reading a Nation-Bro's post has just helped as was feeling pretty low (no burdening drama intended, but true, nonetheless) ... ONWAAAAAAAAARDS!!!

 

[fyg]

1MO yesterday to fantasy, and to three different women I know. Interchangeable 'things' in pursuit of O, maybe. It's okay, other than I feel a bit sleazy when that is in writing. But nonetheless shows me it was all about O, and nothing else. Habitual too, especially as had mild hangover (trigger).

Been tested a bit today, with unintentional P subs. A woman I very much like posted a new profile picture on social media. It's v.alluring.

A little while ago I was congratulating myself on how it hadn't affected me. A while later, I feel it has triggered. Will go for a short walk just now, and meditate later this evening. 7pm right now in UK.

Peace, Nation.

 

[fyg]

I've been thinking these last few days. One thing is that words have power. But, how else can we communicate on forums without words?

I have quite a bit of knowledge about quite a few things, and in life, don't give myself enough credit for how awesome I am.

But, I looked back at my own journal (on here) and realised there were interactions I'd had with a few people, in the still short time have been here, and the information I'd forgotten about them, and my own insights that I'd forgotten. Something to think on, for me... But, I am thinking about people

Sometimes, less is more, they say. So, whilst I'm working out the best way to communicate on here, I send out good vibes to everyone who is looking for and DOING self-improvement and looking for a PMO life - Respect, to everybody.

Today: Have been thinking about something Lyon03 mentioned in his journal (having read the beginning the other week) re: the amount of time he was able to concentrate on one task! Something that I struggle with, but will be looking at closely, I hope! Whether it is P related or not, who cares! I aim to take control of myself...

In the mean-time, I read a quote from Homer's The Odyssey regarding 'tying oneself to the mast' in relation to getting things done  and avoiding the Sirens... PORN! / Procrastination / Etc...  So, I'll be looking at ways to stay on-track with getting my work done (studies) - which also relates to the rest of my life, where I often fail to stay on-track What's the point of going-through-the-motions? I'm asking myself - though, have been doing it, in some ways, for a while!!!!

An extract from Wikipedia which I like:

The term refers to the pact that Ulysses (Greek name "????????", Odysseus) made with his men as they approached the Sirens. Ulysses wanted to hear the Sirens' song although he knew that doing so would render him incapable of rational thought. He put wax in his men's ears so that they could not hear, and had them tie him to the mast so that he could not jump into the sea. He ordered them not to change course under any circumstances, and to keep their swords upon him and to attack him if he should break free of his bonds.

Upon hearing the Sirens' song, Ulysses was driven temporarily insane and struggled with all of his might to break free so that he might join the Sirens, which would have meant his death.

I'm Interested in self control (edit:as we all surely must be), methods to help this control (external and internal) balanced against celebrating the human body (I don't really know how that would manifest right now!!) and not denying that we are alive on this planet!

Just now: Went to MO, and started to M, and then thought... Man, this will feel good for a few seconds. But this time I'm gonna stick to the plan... Which is to not MO. My desire for an intimate union, and I'm still working how that should manifest, shouldn't end up in a tissue.

Peace, Nation.

I'm off to buy some mineral water as it has helped in the past to help my mind become clear.

 

[fyg]

Ha ha... The irony is not lost on me when saying "less is more" and then posting a big post.

 

[fyg]

1MO... This is no easy thing man. I know now, that I just can not touch it, as it most often leads to MO. Tried to do to sensation at first, but wasn't very responsive, so added some fantasy. Have also changed my MO goal to 30 days rather than 90. For now, this is more realistic.

What's pissing me off though, is that I don't care that much. Had a pang of regret a few mins ago, though. But overriding feeling is one of apathy.

A thought: I have a social engagement tomorrow evening, and maybe MO is a way that helps me to control my 'baser instincts'. Maybe I am afraid of these instincts. Maybe it's not this at all, but I also seem to remember MO'ing pre-dates in the past too, and thinking, "man, I'm sabotaging myself". Anyway... Just a thought. Maybe I have quite a bit of guilt surrounding sex. That's how it feels right now. Like oooh, you can't go somewhere where there might be the possibility of sex might occur... what if this happens, that happens... you upset somebody; use somebody; get used!!

Had some serious self-loathing today, as have been thinking of the 'giving up process' a lot... And considered myself a self-indulgent twat (what I think others would think). Aka... their thoughts "wish I had the spare time to think and worry (oh poor me!) about giving up porn all day". And, you know what, there is some truth in that.

Another final thought... Oh, fuck it. Enough thought...  I'm also feel like I'm seeking attention with this post (which probably am a little, lot, who knows).

Anyways...

Peace, Brothers.

 

[Branch]

fyg,

In the last couple of days you, BlueSun, Chip and I have all fallen back into the porn trap.  Just wanted you to know you're not alone. 

And the apathy, self-loathing and fuck more thoughts--I know all about them, too.  Probably all of us dealing with this godawful mess have felt the same way at times. 

The self-sabotage is something you probably can't figure out till you're done with porn.  It could be one of those tricks the mind plays to get you back to porn.  God knows my mind plays all sorts of tricks to get me back into it.

It's OK to be down.  It's OK to be human.  I'd say, too, that it's better to be pissed off about not caring than not caring about not caring. 

Let's put this fucking porn behind us.

 

[fyg]

fyg,

In the last couple of days you, BlueSun, Chip and I have all fallen back into the porn trap.  Just wanted you to know you're not alone. 

And the apathy, self-loathing and fuck more thoughts--I know all about them, too.  Probably all of us dealing with this godawful mess have felt the same way at times. 

The self-sabotage is something you probably can't figure out till you're done with porn.  It could be one of those tricks the mind plays to get you back to porn.  God knows my mind plays all sorts of tricks to get me back into it.

It's OK to be down.  It's OK to be human.  I'd say, too, that it's better to be pissed off about not caring than not caring about not caring. 

Let's put this fucking porn behind us.

Thanks Branch! It's good to know that we feel the same; that we all have shared experiences.

And the apathy, self-loathing and fuck more thoughts--I know all about them, too.  Probably all of us dealing with this godawful mess have felt the same way at times. 

- I was wondering... do others get this? So, cooool, man. Much appreciated.

It's been a long day, but wanted to comment before I went to sleep.

Cheers buddy, and yes! "Let's put this fucking porn behind us". I was reading your journal today, btw

Today has been better than yesday. And for the first time in a while, have been feeling stronger.

 

[fyg]

I've M'd since I was about 15... That's about 25 years... So I'm gonna try and be easy on myself in what I, in my specific journey and what we're all dealing with in our own ways...

Anyway, M was definitely enjoyable in my teens (especially at first, my Music teacher was hot (hey, it's true))... Now, it's a coping mechanism (as well as stress reliever, of course) - shit, same thing, right! And thinking, it was also a coping mechanism back then after a while, girls I was attracted to, but didn't do anything about - though, I'm sure every single male will remember that to some degree from their teenage years!

The reason I'm talking about M, is that I Just got a message from a girl I like. The first thing I went to do to deal with the 'stress' and endorphins that flooded my body** ????

M !! Have a wank.

I didn't, but that is how I sometimes deal with situations with possible sexual potential... And that was my first reaction to the message; one of sexual promise. I have already slept with this person, and thus got some 'visual' stimuli too come flooding into my mind, which, I'm sure, makes me lose my shit a bit more - especially as the union (hey, why not, it's a true description) was 'incomplete', partly due to ED too. And to deal with that promise, and the pressure of messaging (I'm terrible at messaging full stop, but especially with women I'm attracted to), and the thought that things will 'fuck up', before they've even started, right?! I'll jerk-off. Again, though, I haven't.

From my background, from around 15 to almost 25, I dealt with sexual urges through M. Using soft porn, Porn & Fantasy to O. Sometimes from intense horniness induced by drug use also. I lost my virginity around 24 coming 25 with a flurry of activity; had opportunity to lose my it before, but it just didn't happen. I think looking back now, it was partly as I was just too afraid to show vulnerability.  Had a girlfriend-of-sorts in my early thirties (the first person I had sex with more than just a handful of times), and then a serious girlfriend, three/four years ago now (I'm 40). Had some internet dates before that and upto last year, that proved fruitful.

Over the last or so year I've had a few dates with a snog here and there, a couple of those dates could have led to sex, almost definitely, and three other none-dates did lead to it. This is the most concentrated period of activity with regards to dating and sex I've had to date, and has been a point-of-note in my journey. I mention it, as even though my sexual life has 'improved', in that I've put myself out-there, and had some results from hard work and luck, PMO & M is still there in the background, as I've spent more time with these coping mechanisms than real women in my life as a whole.

Just wanted to share that M is a way I deal with Life! (and have read others do too).  I want to see that dependence decrease!!

Anybody has tips for not M'ing, to tying oneself to the mast of the ship to avoid the call of the beckoning 'Sirens'... Please share with me

Shit, chaps! I'm posting this as I've been working in it for 2 hours!!! lol. It felt important to share this as a story of M & PMO.

Peace

** I know you guys are knowledgeable, but I wondered if endorphins and neurotransmitters are the same thing... http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/endorphins.htm

 

[BlueSun]

Hi there... I think we're all building this bridge as we walk on it, to appropriate a book title that probably has nothing to do with this.

I wrote a long goodbye letter to porn as if I were parting with a friend. It was cheesy and eloquent and touching and a little over the top but I needed to say goodbye.  In a way it had always been there when I felt lonely, afraid, anxious, bored, restless, joyful, and even (interesting that I remembered this last) horny.  Although I couldn't remember any meaningful moments of my time with porn, I have a trillion memories of the guilt, shame, remorse, elation, confusion, shock, doubt, disbelief, suprise, letdown of the jizz cleanup routine, which involved trying to not get it everywhere, unhinging my back and neck from whatever contortion I held, and of course trying to preserve another piece of clothing when I had already gone through two t shirts, a pair of jeans, and another pair of clean shorts  with my latest culminations.

So those pathways linger. And I find the more I open up about them, the more Light I shine on them, the less power they have. And then to know for certain that this little prison I've been trapped in was much larger, and held more men with the same torment, and that I could write it here and for once accept it myself, know that most of the guys here know the score cuz they've been there too.

Along the way, I am realizing my mind still thinks that MO is the way to make it go away when one of the above reasons to pmo crop up.  When I removed the P I thought the MO would be under control. But so far, so early in my recovery, M or O leads to MO leads to PMO and I'm not quite ready for that.

But in realizing the feeling that I need to M, I've tried to pause, maybe go outside, and figure out where it started, what was the beginning of the craving.  Yesterday, I realized it was because my back was really sore. I wanted to feel better.  Last week, when I relapsed, It started with 'fuck it' and I stopped wanting to try. Stopped wanting to fight, to struggle in this battle.  I was mentally and physically beat.  I didn't have remorse after, in fact I went to sleep and slept for a long time. I'm now wondering what would have happened if I had just taken a nice long nap instead of a fap and a nap.

I don't think every craving means there's a physiological or psychological need behind it.  But I do know that taking better care of myself is a part of this work. So as a part of the rewire, if I start down the "I need to M" onramp, even if it ended in MO, stopping and making sure my needs are met, that I'm not hanging onto emotional shit or trying to get a high because I'm tired of feeling like I do, or even just tired.

I am Leary because days 7-10 have been days where I've broken my agreement with myself to be hands-off-the-junk and to give the ole libido a rest by M, then MO, then PMO.  I'm posting often. I'm building a relationship of trust with myself after having treated myself pretty grossly.  And I don't know what is on the other side of day 10.  I imagine I could give up broccoli for 90 days no problem.  This, though, this is hard. My resistance is low, though each day the resistance muscles are strengthening.

My inner child and inner adult yearn to hear male mentors tell me that I have what it takes, that I can do it, that I am enough.  That a scraped knee and a black eye are sometimes part of learning to play ball.  And that it is precisely when the game begins to get tough, the vote of confidence from our team is what helps us stand up and run even faster to home base.

YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES.
YOU CAN DO IT
YOU ARE ENOUGH

I'm rooting for you,

bluesun 

 

[fyg]

I just needed to post this tonight (UK).

Often, when I message people, I really, REALLY, overthink things and take WAY too much time to construct a message. Because I often try to think what the other person is thinking, I think I tailor my responses so as to not offend, or make sure no consequence will incur. (Insight from therapy).

My posts may be short in the future, or may not address everything a poster has mentioned to me. To be fair, in the past, with people and friends-out-in-the-world, I've painstakingly made sure that I address EVERY point that they make in a letter, email or message to me.

You may be reading this thinking, why is he saying this? It's more to help me process the changes I'm trying to make in my life. Maybe it's as I'm getting a little older. But, it's just too much hard work and anxiousness (bad word choice!) to carry on super-analysing things, and taking ten times longer than it should to communicate with somebody. I hardly ever enjoy interactions with people in writing/typing through overthinking. And I dissipate too, too much energy doing this.

Peace Nation Bro's. x

fyg

2 MO to fantasy today and some P-subs - will talk again on this.

Bluesun: Thanks again, and I'll post soon

 

[BlueSun]

Hey bud.  Write what you feel like writing, not what you feel obligated to write. This is your journal.

 

[fyg]

Hey Bluesun,

Thanks buddy. That helps man

And just as a quick one, you may probably know already! But the 7-10 day thing is down (at least from what have read) to the 'testosterone peak'... A period I've struggled with two or three times before... Anyways... Like I said, you may/probably know, but just wanted to share and help.

Best. Cheers bro

 

[Leon]

My writing is somewhat similar, fyg. I'll over analyze my answers, or go point by point.

But, years on FB and before that Myspace, have helped to make my focus more laser like, hahaha.

 

[fyg]

Hahaha, Leon. Nice