I know I'm awesome, and I need time, help and action to become actualised

[fyg]

Thank you for the kind words on my friend, and for posting. Re: drinking patterns, I hear you on the resolve. Being hungover is definitely a trigger for me. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the weakening of resolve vis-a-vis alcohol. I've definitely drank to cope and block things out in the past, and these last few months I've noticed that I drink down quickly, so I'm definitely using it as a balm of some kind, at least for now.

I enjoy a drink too, but alcohol is funny. It doesn't exactly go hand-in-hand with ironing out bad habits. Like today, mildly hungover, and things are harder to start or complete as not feeling 100%.

Sorry to hear of your friends passing too, even though it may have been some time ago now.

fyg

 

[fyg]

Report from today. Cravings to look at P, been strong again, like day-before-yesterday. Went to look at P, but thankfully K9 web-protector kicked in, and then looked at my counter, realised v.close to 10 days. M'd to sensation with odd fantasy thoughts creeping in, though bit vigourous too, so from a point of anxiety to O, I'd say - strangely sometimes like during sex.

edit: actually, I went to look at P after M to O. But still, didn't do it.

 

[Boo]

I really think you'd do well to rethink the whole M&O practice, at least for a while. I think you have to get your mind off of the idea of self-pleasure. I believe masturbating to fantasy is going to lead you to masturbating to porn. Think about it. What are you fantasizing about? Most likely it's porn images/memories. You're "dancing with the devil" buddy.

To answer your question, yes, drinking will weaken your resolve in many areas. I've known a few people who could be productive while drinking, but they were workaholics to begin with. They were also unhealthy as fuck. Alcohol is a depressant, plain and simple. It lowers inhibitions and numbs pain and that's why we love it. It also dampens motivation and ambition in a lot of people. Alcohol makes us comfortable. It's like putting salt on food. We think it enhances life and in some ways it seems to. If you have any doubts about your own drinking, then it's time to challenge your preconceived notions about it. I do this regularly nowadays.

 

[fyg]

I agree with the M to fantasy, I'm actually trying to not do that for this reboot, as M'ing to sensation alone felt like the way to go on a couple of previous reboots - though! I didn't stick to it, obviously. Last reboot, that finished about a month ago now, I M'd throughout - as after about 10 days I was too pent-up (maybe the testosterone peak).

In answer to your question: to be honest, I usually fantasize about some woman I fancy (fuck, I've been doing that since early teens!), or have slept with, or think I/have some chemistry going with. I do evoke some porn-type-imagery though when trying to visualise/imagine the body... maybe doing that is like watching/evoking porn? So, yep, M & O - I def wanna rethink, but staying away from M has been tough!!

Wise words on alcohol. Thanks. Alcohol has always messed me up the next day at work, and for studying (I'm at uni) forget it! "It also dampens motivation and ambition in a lot of people" - I find after a period of abstinence, say a week +, I'm much more buoyant (told this to more enlightened friends too)... but! still get depressed days, and then it's easier to cave-in and have a drink. Vicious circle. So powering through those days has gotta be the key. My friend who we spoke about, who recently passed, said before, that I should try and go out sometimes and just not drink. Funny, a few months ago, went to a friends birthday, and was broke! So started the evening with NO drink, then one pint a friend brought me, and some water, + a sip of a friend's cocktail... I had a great conversation with a female friend, who even commented that I hadn't drank that much that night, and she seemed impressed - like it elevated my status in her eyes... Interesting man.

I really want to address my relationship with alcohol (to a more nuanced level), and have started to in the past - I've been fumbling with it for around 8 years*. Genuinely though, thanks. I do think about these things but talking it through with others is actually really great

PS

*talk about another time

 

[fyg]

Counters reset for PMO. I knew what I was doing... felt good at the time... just after still felt okay... surfed for another hour and a half... felt average. Had some comfort food. Now resolve to no PMO, again. >>>>>>> this >>>>>>> that >>>>>>> this >>>>>>> that...

Had an increasing interest in nature and trees that has been brewing for last few weeks / months though... so maybe not all is lost.

But... tell me... how do we/I fall for it everytime (the pull is so strong) - I mean, I looked at the science some time ago... but FUCKING HELL man... just, Porn... FUCK OFF out of my life!!!! I mean, I partly get it... ejaculation feels okay... but one forgets that it's a hollow-reward EVERY TIME!!!!! Perpetual amnesia!!!!!

Maybe 90 days total abstain in the next try???? Cold showers, meditation etc...

 

[fyg]

Note to self: Don't switch from pretty damn warm to pretty damn cold with one flick of the shower switch (or turn of the knob) - too many jokes! edit: Took my friggin breath away and shouted the house down. Hey, a funny moment... doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, right  trust me, writing that felt good, as pre-shower I was pretty down :/

 

[Boo]

But... tell me... how do we/I fall for it every time (the pull is so strong) - I mean, I looked at the science some time ago... but FUCKING HELL man... just, Porn... FUCK OFF out of my life!!!! I mean, I partly get it... ejaculation feels okay... but one forgets that it's a hollow-reward EVERY TIME!!!!! Perpetual amnesia!!!!!

Maybe 90 days total abstain in the next try???? Cold showers, meditation etc...

That's the problem . It feels okay and sometimes feels great. Just what we think we need, BUT, do we? You say the pull is so strong. This is really a matter of our minds being weak through habituation. You have to start diminishing the power of the pull by truly believing that you don't need what your mind is telling you you need. With all the CAPS and !!! you sound frustrated. I'm sure you are. As someone who has had many resets I can tell you it's frustrating indeed.

I used to think about the "power of the Pull" all the time. I don't think that way anymore. I know it's there. I don't feed it and give it power with my thought life. This thing we're all wanting to get rid of is going to require some very serious "taking every thought captive" as the Apostle Paul talks about. If we don't win the "thought battle" we will lose the "porn war".

 

[fyg]

Hi Boo... I just went to post the following, and then RN told me I had a post waiting... this is my latest thought from this evening... I'll re-read your post dude...

I've been tested this week... I didn't expect to get so many urges to look at P and having my friend pass away probably has had me seeking refuge. I just saw in the glossary YMMV Your Mileage May Vary - as no two reboots are the same. And I am reminded about the importance of thinking things through. It seems to so easy to get emotionally swept up with PMO desire, maybe as the feelings can be so strong. But realising that my last reboot wasn't so difficult at the start last time, is interesting. As this is highlighting to me to be vigilant - sort of, that it's not a fixed process, and therefore, as it's not fixed, I can choose, or try to choose how to react to it. Okay, I'm really thinking this through as I type, but, basically, if a reboot can be different every time; then, every day can be different; and every hour may be different; and therefore we can consider each of those hours, and days as different opportunities for growth. To be tackled in different ways. And if every hour is different, then so is our capacity for change, as nothing is fixed.

 

[fyg]

That's the problem . It feels okay and sometimes feels great. Just what we think we need, BUT, do we? You say the pull is so strong. This is really a matter of our minds being weak through habituation. You have to start diminishing the power of the pull by truly believing that you don't need what your mind is telling you you need. With all the CAPS and !!! you sound frustrated. I'm sure you are. As someone who has had many resets I can tell you it's frustrating indeed.

I used to think about the "power of the Pull" all the time. I don't think that way anymore. I know it's there. I don't feed it and give it power with my thought life. This thing we're all wanting to get rid of is going to require some very serious "taking every thought captive" as the Apostle Paul talks about. If we don't win the "thought battle" we will lose the "porn war".

I like that... it really is power of habituation! Neural pathways that can be re-created in new directions. "You don't need what your mind is telling you" - Thanks man, I sort of know that, but at the same time, it's easy to know when somebody points it out. No, not just thanks man... but, Thank you for the support and experience of your knowledge. No man is an island, as they say. And accepting help can be a biggie for me + Resets! Absolutely!!

Also... maybe my post about change and every hour being different is the similar to Apostle Paul saying "taking every thought captive"? I'm not religious, but it resonates!

 

[Boo]

Yeah, I'm not religious either but the sacred texts can provide great insights when approached with an open mind, especially about the battles "within".

 

[fyg]

Thumbs up

 

[Branch]

fyg,

Just wanted to let you know I see a good bit of myself in your posts--the complexities, the challenges, the mixed feelings, the aspiration of and toward your higher self.  A complicated inner life might not make quitting porn tougher, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't make it easier.

I'm struggling, too, so I'm not the best source for advice, but I think it's important never to lose sight of who we can be.

Hang in there, fyg.

 

[fyg]

Thank you, Branch

 

[fyg]

Today has seen some serious procrastination for me with my studies. I have essays to do - shit, I'm paranoid that people will work out who I am by saying I have essays to do. When I hesitate like that, and when I sometimes hold back with info... I feel real inauthentic. (edited post-script: though maybe, it's that I feel I have to tell everything, when in fact it's the bones of the struggle - whatever they may be - that are essential...)

Feeling inauthentic isn't cool, man. I over-analyse, for sure. But, also, I don't know how to be with people. What is good social protocol and what isn't. Either too polite, or not polite enough... There are various reasons for this - that I'm too tired to work through just now and mention. Friends often tell me I'm a great guy, and to a large extent, I think they're right!! Ha ha... fuck it... I am. But!! some of my actions come from a place of wanting to please. Also, from not wanting to take a risk, from fear of confrontation or from not wanting to hurt people... Shit man, that's a busy mind and a latent-self.

Anyways...

I've changed my targets... 1 year for no-PMO, as I've reached the 2 month a few times and 3 month on one or maybe two occasions, and feel a bigger target will help... being at 1.2% is somehow liberating?? and..

I've changed my no-MO to 90 days... That doesn't feel so liberating, as I've been wanking for 25+ years... No wonder the right arm is strong!!  ;D shiiiit - jokes older than God's dog. I also eat spinach. First getting past 3 or 4 days MO w/o P, and then past the 7ish day testosterone peak (experienced once recently)... This will be tough... I know it!!!!

This current and possible life-time over-thinker, over-and-out, for tonight.

Peace x

 

[Philgood63]

Hey fyg,

Thanks a lot for the lines you wrote in my journal and that make me feel less alone ! Yeah sure there are similarities in our situations and probably life pathways, and that's always good to know we don't walk that road alone.

Most of all, I clearly relate to your experience of feeling inauthentic, that's probably something many people can't imagine, because being authentic seems to be obvious to them, how could you be something else than authentic ? It's only a few weeks since I can see the difference, after many monthes working with a therapist, now I can have a glimpse of what it's like to be authentic, just myself, nothing extraordinary, except it's just the real thing ! Man it's so good to feel this way, I really wish you to reach this some day !

Oh yeah and something else : the title of your journal is freaking cool ! Since first time I saw it, I thought "hey, I feel the same, I know I'm awesome but I f**king can't make it real, and that sucks. Sure I have have similar experience with this guy", and that's true !

10 days for me today, I hope we will do that road up to 90, man. Take care.

 

[Boo]

Good update fyg. You'll get there bro. The tone of your post shows you're sort of keeping your sense of humor in the midst of the struggle. "People pleasing" can definitely create inner conflict. I've been consumed with that mindset at times. It can rob you of your authenticity as you say.

I soooo  understand about over thinking and paralysis by analysis. This has caused me much distress over the years. It's a matter of stepping out in faith toward worthwhile pursuits. Meditation helps with the over thinking (monkey mind).

Good for you in thinking about your PMO goals. We all need something to look forward to. Just keep the journey in perspective and don't beat yourself up if something goes a little sideways along the path. Progress is the key. You'll get there.

p.s. Your friends are right, you do sound like a great guy. Peace, Bro.

 

[fyg]

Thanks so much guys. I really appreciate those posts - and the sharing. I'm studying right now, so will get back to that, for now.

I hope, and I'm sure, that's cool with you dudes

 

[fyg]

Hiya,

So, I'm around the 9 day point on NoPMO & NoMO. I've been noticing women more the last couple of days. Maybe it's the testosterone peak?! But, today is the first time I have reacted to a female since the start of this reboot; as I had some prolonged(ish) eye contact with a voluptuous woman when I was shopping for some things. I was then walking around for a good while with some 'wind in my sails', thinking about her and about sex, and maybe porn (I can't remember - should have typed earlier), but also the thought of going home to MO.

Later on today, I went back out to go to another local supermarket, and had one attractive woman (I'm trying to keep trigger language in-check) very obviously check me out as I was walking there... I won't lie, it felt really fucking good (both mentally and physically). Basically, to cut a long story short, when I was at the supermarket, I was quite aware of some of the women, and to one woman who I'm not usually attracted to the type, who I was particularly 'aware of'. It really felt frickin good... and, a bit frustrating! That actually sounds borderline wrong. But I hope you all know what I mean.

I forget who's journal I was reading last week (no disrespect meant), and they mentioned the ponolization of the media, which I wholeheartedly agree with. Tonight, just watching adverts on the TV was challenging.

My intention is to continue to go NoMO or Fap & NoPMO... I hope I make some good gains. One thing is encouraging, and that is that maybe if I feel this natural attraction to women, and keep porn free... maybe with some work (flirtation and relationships), I feel the future will be good. Today has been tough, as I was a bit hungover this morning (which as some of you guys may remember, is a trigger for me). But NoFap seems like it does produce benefits - how sustainable it is long term we will see. But, I am determined to try

I have been doing a concentrating/motivational move, now-and-again, that a guy called Whirlwind Tobias does on his youtube videos (though he hasn't done that many, and they are from a yr or two ago now, I think) and he slaps his hands together in a prayer/namaste position and concentrates. This has worked for me a couple of times, and it feels powerful. Feeling powerful is something that I like the idea of, but, also, it makes me feel selfish, like the honing of one's body and self into something great. I guess there is some ego in there. I've started to slowly incorporate some yoga and meditation back into my life (practiced reasonably regularly in the past - fuck, I'm being a little too modest there, as I used to practice almost daily) which can only be a good thing, right! So thanks Boo, for your advice the other week day! on doing some meditation/mindfulness and also for your kind words the other day and this

Good for you in thinking about your PMO goals. We all need something to look forward to. Just keep the journey in perspective and don't beat yourself up if something goes a little sideways along the path. Progress is the key. You'll get there.

and Philgood... That's too cool that you like the title of my journal, I'm super-glad it resonates... and re: the therapy... I am also doing some at the moment, and it's definitely helping! Thanks! Here's to being authentic!! Oh, seeing similarities is exactly what helps me also.

Quickly going back to today, I was wondering how much or if any of my appreciation of women was bound up with P. But, will see how that goes...

Cheers, fyg

PS. I'll start supplying some quotes from readings soon (it's my style, I think) - it's all about being authentic and embodied!!

 

[fyg]

Have the knowledge and humility to get up after every fall

- an abstract quote from a Sri Prem Baba video on youtube.

For me this is great, as no humility = a sense that you're infallible... And I realise I have been approaching many things in life with this misguided belief. How stupid, as, evidence has been staring me in the face that I'm not, all along... but that's okay. I'm/We're not perfect  8)

 

[fyg]

I really think you'd do well to rethink the whole M&O practice, at least for a while. I think you have to get your mind off of the idea of self-pleasure...

Another quick one Boo... I think that really sunk-in, and made me think of trying for 90 days Nofap...  Just wanted to share that. And to acknowledge your words re: paralysis through over-thinking... That resonated like I don't know what, which is no doubt, why you wrote it!

Random... One thing I have (or have the memory of), is feeling that I don't acknowledge people's positive impact on me (in the form of appreciation) tempered against the feeling of going over-the-top and sucking-up to people. I've been accused of both in my time... the former by aggressive moods/actions, and the latter usually by direct verbal. My fear of 'sucking up' to people has kept me from people, I think. Shit! Think I've just thought that through, right here and now!

Anyway... Posted enough Nation. It's 05:50 here in UK. Time for sleep... A little insomnia tonight (unusual) - probably a compound of a few things. Ta ta for now.