Reboot Journal - 31yo married w/son

[rebootrapp]

It's been a few days since I've updated. Things have been good with me and the reboot,
no urges to PMO, though I did have a quick urge to M in the shower once but squashed it.

I've really been concentrating on the ogling women part. I know it really bothers my wife, and I don't want to be a creeper. So it's been up and down, but largely good. I've been consciously looking away from women that look like they'd be attractive when I see them from a distance or my peripherals. There was a group of young women that jumped out of a car in parking lot a few days ago, one had on some flowy pants and a tube top type thing it seemed like, because I noticed a bare midriff out of my periph. Kept my eyes dead locked forward, and felt great about it. My wife minutes prior thought I was checking out some woman in yoga pants as she was walking out of the bathroom, but I'm pretty positive I wasn't. Today I did great with it anyway.

We continue to battle the trust issues that she has, I know it's going to take a loooong time. I'm just trying to make sure that we take more steps forward than back, but with a recent death in the family her emotions are obviously easier to swing from positive to negative.

All in good time, she's worth every second of fighting.

 

[anonguy031]

I have to thank you for your bravery in posting. Now in my zillionth attempt to sober up from PMO, I came back to the boards I've not been on in over a year.  There was your story and reading your initial post, it was one I could have written myself. It is what I needed to hear. From the bottom of my heart: thank you.

This is a beast of an addiction to kick, but you sound to be working hard and on the right track.  Healing will come for you and your wife.  Keep up the good work!

 

[rebootrapp]

Anon, thanks for your reply. I am very grateful to hear that someone else got something out of this other me as a place to vent. Feel free to keep in touch.

 

[anonguy031]

Will do.  I need for it to stick this time.  Yeah,  it's kinda freaky how much your story parallels my own. The ages,  length of use, ogling women outside of P.  But what really hit me was the boudoir shoot your wife did,  as mine did the same.  As I start back on the way to recovery,  it has hit me how out of her comfort zone that was for her to do for me, so how can I disrespect that with using?

Just a thought.

Best,
Anon.

 

[rebootrapp]

Day 50, and today was a day I spent worrying about things that have nothing to do with the reboot. And thank God for that. I had to study (I'm currently in training at work), had to fix my tractor, try and fix the carburetor on my tiller, and played with my son more than I've done in a while. What a great way to spend a day.

Watched some of the bonus features on the Firefly and Serenity blu rays my wife got me for our anniversary. Love that show.

Our marriage counseling still seems to be progressing. We're more in touch as partners than we've probably ever been, but still a struggle to rebuild trust.

But on the reboot front, still not getting morning wood. Don't know why, I can get plenty erect when we have sex, when she touches me, when I touch her, so I'm not really worried about it much anymore. I've been better with ogling women, and much better avoiding images on the Internet. Mostly because I really only go here and to the Drudge Report, and Mark Chamberlain's blog. If you haven't gone there yet, you really should.

I fear the time when I almost trust myself to be good again. I feel like that's the really dangerous time as far as relapse is concerned. I'm still super cautious and aware, but at some point down the road imagine I'll be less militaristic about it, and that'll be when I mess up. Hopefully by having that fear I recognize some warning signs before anything bad happens. I certainly don't want to turn to P ever again and undo all this progress I've made in my marriage.

 

[pinkerton]

Congrats on 50 days man! Encouraging to see others do well.

 

[rebootrapp]

The last few days have been great. My wife and I finished reading the Traveler's Gift together. Is highly recommended it, it'll give you some good lessons. Nothing you haven't heard probably, but it puts them in a way that really frames it well. We've been connecting really well, at least I think so.

No P or M urges in a while. I've been doing better finally with ogling too, which feels great. I read a thing a while ago where it you feel yourself starting to do anything you're trying to stop doing, just stroke your beard for a second, remind yourself that you're a man, and you have the power to choose not to do whatever it is you're trying to avoid, in my case lately that's been ogling. So that's been effective a couple times, especially now that I'm growing a beard!

Hope all is well with you guys.

 

[rebootrapp]

Hey guys. Been a few days. The last few days have been pretty dang good. I've consciously avoided checking out women running on the side of the road, though from a distance they looked as though they would have been attractive. My wife is sexy as hell, I don't need to be looking at every other chick out there.

I'm looking forward to the day where I no longer have to concentrate on NOT checking women out, but I'll take the consolation prize of not doing it with concerted effort anyway.

I had a brief moment of, "Hey, I could PMO" today, but it lasted for a split second with no longing to do it once I decided not to.

I know I'm in that window where it seems like a few guys have had relapses lately, I'm trying to learn from those mistakes and stay strong over here. I'm not nervous every day that I will relapse, but it's certainly on my mind that I must remain vigilant. I'd like to break free of this for my own sake, for my family's sake, and to hopefully be an example on here of a guy that made it relapse free. I've enjoyed reading success stories when I first started, i hope to write my i.e. someday. Say a prayer for me.

Have a good night guys.

 

[rebootrapp]

Great day today. Took the family to our local aquarium, played roller hockey with my son. Read a chapter out of the Love Languages book with my wife. If recommend it to all of you guys who are struggling to find an identity in your marriage. If your marriage was anything like mine, it was almost unrecognizable from what you thought it was, or should be, because of the crap you've done to yourself and your wife. My wife and I have really taken to reading books aloud together, and this one will enlighten you on how your wife needs to be shown love, and things you can do to fulfill that emotional need, and vice versa.

Hope al if well with you guys. Until next time.

 

[TiramiSu]

Congrats on your great attitude. You said a very important word - vigilant. This is really key.I will adopt that for me  as well.

 

[rebootrapp]

Hey all. Guess it's been a few days. We finished the Love Languages book last night. We have a new book now about how to get mend the relationship after an emotional affair, I'm hoping that helps us move forward. I had a work friend at an old job that I let things get out of hand with, we never touched or even spoke about a relationship between us in any romantic sense, but in many ways that relationship disconnected me from my wife. Which is totally unacceptable, and has caused a great deal of pain in my wife and I over the years, and now we're trying to face down those demons, which well start sometime soon here.

We've got a marriage counseling session tomorrow, the last few have gone pretty well. We'll see what happens tomorrow, we've each had an individual session with him since our last session Asa couple, so I've got no idea where we'll go.

We took a sex fast since last Tuesday. We weren't perfect, on Saturday we did oral with each other, but on Wednesday we had actual sex again. Holy crap dudes, I don't particularly enjoy going a week without sex, but if it renders similar results, it's worth the price of admission every one in a while.

What else. I'm still doing well with ogling. Our house is in a nice enough area and lots of people run around here, so my commute to work, or our commute to anywhere as a family is usually riddled with women jogging, not super easy. Today there was a woman running on my way home from work, I caught her in my rear view mirror as I was getting ready to back my car out, so I sat and waited for 10-30 secs. I don't know exactly, but enough for her to get a little bit down the road, and controlled myself well as I finally didn't drive by her.

We had a fire outside tonight. My wife unfortunately has a medical condition which gives her a lot of difficulty, and we dealt with some of that frustration tonight. Not the most enjoyable conversation topic I suppose, but it is important, and I enjoy the fact that we're able to actually communicate now.

Other than that, it's just work. I hope all is well with you guys.

 

[roger5863]

Thank you for sharing. There are a lot of similarities I see in your story and myself.

 

[TiramiSu]

" I don't know exactly, but enough for her to get a little bit down the road, and controlled myself well as I finally didn't drive by her. "

I think maybe you change your point of view a little bit - if you find a woman hot, just acknowledge it with your brain and not with the penis. Enjoying a good looking woman is good. Why would you want to control that? also your wife knows she is not the only good looking woman on earth.  The key is just to stop thinking with the penis. And stop thinking in terms of jerking off. I think we need to be realistic. There are always hot women also outside of relationships. But relationship is more than being hot or not or having a fantastic ass. Relationship is about being together and making the best out of it together.  Love is accepting that the other person is not perfect. This is what love partially is about.

 

[rebootrapp]

I've got plenty of imperfections for her to accept already, man! Lol

I've been asking myself when I see a woman, if my wife could see through my eyes right now, would she be proud or pissed? There's a difference between casually seeing a woman who
happens to be beautiful and subsequently choosing to check her out. Or in the case here, stare at her ass as I drive by. I just feel like engaging in that kind of behavior is just another dopamine hit, so I'm trying to train myself not to do it. That's all. I ain't perfect, that's for damn sure, but I've been getting much better.

 

[TiramiSu]

Well then just stare at her ass and enjoy it if it is a great ass. Important is just to move in life and give it no significance. We are just men. Whatever. Most important is to focus on your wife. Be aware of your thoughts and just pass onto the next thought and what good you can do to your wife.

 

[rebootrapp]

We are just men, but we're also grown ass men ya know. We should be able to decide not to stare at an attractive woman. Now if you're choosing to stare, that's different than not being able to control the act of staring in the first place.

I'm trying to achieve some level of control over my actions. The impulse to check out women had become so ingrained that I didn't register when I was doing it, until I was already doing it.

 

[TiramiSu]

I agree with you. There should be a fine line between staring at a woman and just enjoying her looks. As long as you enjoy a good looking woman, there is nothing wrong with it.

 

[rebootrapp]

Not much to report over the weekend. I spent the majority of it at work. Went out yesterday a couple of times, I had to avert my eyes quick on one occasion, but wasn't anything I was upset at myself for.

I've been thinking about how to use this reboot to be a better man overall for a while now. A better father, friend, son, brother, etc. Does anyone have any good reading suggestions for this? All the reading I've been doing has been about marriage and PA, I'd like to do some other reading as well.

 

[TiramiSu]

check out david deida. he is a good read.

 

[Hablablos]

Here are tips of several members with my suggestion as well: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=8903.0