Congrats right back at ya, Hoosier!
So I've bumped my goal up to 60 days... halfway there.
I had a little early celebration last night. It appears that the PIED is mostly gone, but I'm not back to what and where I want to be. Maybe performance anxiety was part of my issue. That and the fact that I gave a 2 hour full body massage, I was physically exhausted when it came time to finish with an O.
I wrote a bit about my history in another journal (http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1030.0), so I think it's time to put it here in my journal.
I was raised a devout Jehovah's Witness. I knew what masturbation was long before I had any physical urge to do it. The religion had a chapter in a book for kids condemning it. But when I was 14/15 and had my first O while in the shower, the MO habit began. For as much as masturbation was condemned by the religion, and as hard as I tried and prayed to end the habit, I could stop for a few days at most, but could never really end it. I believe that the guilt that went with doing something evil, and the shame of lacking self-control had a profound effect on my brain. My thinking became much more depressed because I believed I was a bad person and would probably be killed at Armageddon. When a friend of mine gave me a few porn magazines, I found them irresistibly erotic and felt the more depressed and anxious because of it. I never really got into porn after that, but the MO continued. Probably because of the deep guilt and shame, I became even more involved in the religion in hopes that god would finally help me and I could earn my way back into his good graces. In my early 20s, I was accepted to work at one of their branches and joined the religious order, staying for about 15 years. But the MO continued, not on a daily basis, but enough that I always felt terrible about myself.
I'd thought that if I got married, then I could end the MO habit. I had a few relationships, but they just didn't go anywhere. One of the relationship issues I had, and still have, is that my parents, grandparents, and a lot of couples I knew, never seemed that happy together. They had just sort of grown together with a routine of bickering. When my single friends got the giddy, lovebird relationships and had the beautiful weddings, I was happy for them. Later, I saw the marriage problems start, with many divorcing (even among JWs where divorce is unacceptable unless certain criteria are met). So, I didn't see marriage as a solution to my problems. I saw it as another, more painful, set of problems. Another problem that I had with dating in the religion was that Watchtower requires a high degree of conformity, and good JWs are expected to report any nonconforming words or actions to the elders. In that environment, I never really felt comfortable or natural, even though I was a model JW in my speech and conduct. The thought that many intimate details of my marriage could be reported to and policed by outsiders just creeped me out. To some extent, my JW spouse would be expected to be a spy. For example, if I watched an R rated movie, that could be reported for wrongdoing. Finally, throw in the fact that the girls that I was most interested in didn't feel the same about me, and I wasn't interested in the girls that were attracted to me.
I did have one relationship that started from working together, moved to friendship, then moved to dating. Sadly, she finally admitted that she'd been having health problems for a while but hadn't gone to the doctor because she didn't have insurance. When she finally went to the doctor, it was advanced cancer and she died a short time later. But I digress...
About 15 years ago, while still at the JW branch, I was able to get access to Internet porn on my personal computer through a dial-up connection. Pornography, too, was condemned by the religion. It became the next part of the battle. In fact, the frequency and passion with which they talked about and condemned it, just made me even more curious about it. I found it. Then I was hooked on Internet porn. Again, I tried and I prayed, but porn and masturbation kept coming back. The depression and guilt were deeply rooted. However, judging by the lectures we got in the religious order, there were lots of others that couldn't end their porn habits either. So I certainly wasn't alone in not getting god's help to end PMO.
As events unfolded, I left the religion before I left PMO. Once that happened, I continued to PMO about once a day and without the guilt and shame. And I finally lost my virginity. :
So, that just about brings me to now. After all those years that I'd tried and prayed and tried to stop masturbation and porn because God wanted me to, I couldn't quit. Maybe that really works for some, but I just never succeeded. I got to the point that I never thought I could succeed. But now that I've read so much on www.yourbrainonporn.com, as well as the information here, I'm succeeding at ending PMO better than I ever imagined. Why? Hmmm, good question. My conclusion is that I'm able to stop PMO now because I see it as something that I can really do for ME, not because of an invisible peeping tom that's watching me if I touch myself inappropriately. There is real logic behind my reason for quitting now, rather than the programmed JW mantra, "Listen, Obey, and be Blessed." Frankly, if there is a god, I think that he/she really should have a lot of other things to be busy with rather than monitoring my browser history.
I've seen for myself how PMO has not just messed up my mind, wasted time, hindered my interest in relationships, friendships, and a lot of other things. If I'm going through the work of ending my addiction to a religion, I don't need to replace it with an addiction to PMO. Now I see how it's something I must do for ME. I will see (and am already seeing) rewards in my life for ending my PMO habits.
Geez, recounting my history is depressing. But it gets worse. I've known 8 JW men that committed suicide for various depression/anxiety or sexual issues. I was almost one of that category. While that statistic is very, very depressing for me, I'm grateful that I survived. And often it was just getting through one day and then the next. I'm grateful that I've not only survived but have gotten on with a life worth living and recovering from a lot of things, including PMO.
