PeaceOfMind062012
Active Member
How's that sun treatin' ya Mr. Siphus? 
My Aggressive Pursuit of a Great Life
- Thread starter vigilantwarrior
- Start date
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
So......... I'm back.... in a sense. I mean, man, did I get out of routine, and out of everything else healthy in my life, lol. So this right here is now technically Day 1 :-\
Going to Mexico was great. Lots of fun and very memorable experiences with good friends. But in the midst of it I took advantage of my phone and the wi-fi and not having a specific schedule and having flexibility and I just lost it, leading to a series of a few different relapses. On the past two vacations I've been on, I didn't think about relapsing really at all. I'm not sure what made this so different. I didn't prepare an itinerary for it - could that have been it? Or the combination of having a solo room plus an abundance of free wi-fi, perhaps? All I know is I would take better precautions next time. It really is baffling how this stuff creeps up.
It didn't feel good, at all. But I'm not going to quit on these forums. I've met some great people and want to keep supporting them as they've been very supportive of me as well.
Today was my first day keeping to a solid schedule again, and it has felt much better. Sorry about my absence, guys. But here's to new beginnings, eh?
Day 1 - Rebirth
-siphus
Going to Mexico was great. Lots of fun and very memorable experiences with good friends. But in the midst of it I took advantage of my phone and the wi-fi and not having a specific schedule and having flexibility and I just lost it, leading to a series of a few different relapses. On the past two vacations I've been on, I didn't think about relapsing really at all. I'm not sure what made this so different. I didn't prepare an itinerary for it - could that have been it? Or the combination of having a solo room plus an abundance of free wi-fi, perhaps? All I know is I would take better precautions next time. It really is baffling how this stuff creeps up.
It didn't feel good, at all. But I'm not going to quit on these forums. I've met some great people and want to keep supporting them as they've been very supportive of me as well.
Today was my first day keeping to a solid schedule again, and it has felt much better. Sorry about my absence, guys. But here's to new beginnings, eh?
Day 1 - Rebirth
-siphus
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
I want to talk through some stuff real quick. The excitement and novelty of new ideas and new methods for beating this addiction can be a deceptive feeling. I feel like when I stumble upon something fresh and brand new, it has this bright, euphoric effect because it hasn't been tried before, and maybe this could be the one, and perhaps it was stumbled upon during the rebound from another relapse and offers the feel-good property of hope.
But I want to say that I don't see this community as just a flash in the pan -- for myself, or others who are currently struggling with maintaining continued "successes", as they sometimes get mislabeled. Connection is such a key, and living in a world of PMO is the opposite of connection, and that's why I think this forum is so valuable. Although I've lost some touch with people on here while I went traveling, I value the connections that have been made and will continue to be made.
The internet has a lot of destructive properties in the sense that certain elements of the internet seem to just make the human brain go haywire. The literally never-ending barrage of P that's available has most likely been the most damaging factor of my life. However, the internet can be appreciated for places like this, where people from every end of the earth can unite and come together without prejudice, without judgment, without bullying or putting up facades, and just helping each other reach similar meaningful goals.
So despite some of the downward spirals that I've experienced in the past couple weeks, I know that I have generated momentum and great improvement, and that working with this group of people will continue to help me reach my next goal.
Thanks all for reading.
-siphus
But I want to say that I don't see this community as just a flash in the pan -- for myself, or others who are currently struggling with maintaining continued "successes", as they sometimes get mislabeled. Connection is such a key, and living in a world of PMO is the opposite of connection, and that's why I think this forum is so valuable. Although I've lost some touch with people on here while I went traveling, I value the connections that have been made and will continue to be made.
The internet has a lot of destructive properties in the sense that certain elements of the internet seem to just make the human brain go haywire. The literally never-ending barrage of P that's available has most likely been the most damaging factor of my life. However, the internet can be appreciated for places like this, where people from every end of the earth can unite and come together without prejudice, without judgment, without bullying or putting up facades, and just helping each other reach similar meaningful goals.
So despite some of the downward spirals that I've experienced in the past couple weeks, I know that I have generated momentum and great improvement, and that working with this group of people will continue to help me reach my next goal.
Thanks all for reading.
-siphus
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
siphus said:
Don't quit the forum, quit porn!
Your journal is a positive inspiration and it's sad to read you didn't succeed all the way through. Anyway, remember how you couldn't believe making it past three weeks? You did. Now beat your past streak and keep "learning & expanding"!
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
Day 1
Getting Current
Yesterday was a trip. Rebounding from a relapse state-of-mind to a recovery one, I ended up having a bit of a blowout with my mom, as she got on my case for not saying hi to her in the morning, and then I freaked out about how crappy I felt and whether they even care about my issues and how I can't figure any of my stuff out. It was a fairly cathartic blowout, possibly for both of us, and I ended up emailing her why my frustrations are there. I think it was all fairly healthy. My mind is still in a mixed bag and trying to normalize itself, but I'm doing well. I think I had slight cravings at night because I had quite a bit to drink at an event, but I was really tired anyways, called a buddy, and I'm okay.
Thanks, achilles, for your encouragement. I like your suggestion, don't quit these forums, quit porn, haha. On my way
-siphus
Getting Current
Yesterday was a trip. Rebounding from a relapse state-of-mind to a recovery one, I ended up having a bit of a blowout with my mom, as she got on my case for not saying hi to her in the morning, and then I freaked out about how crappy I felt and whether they even care about my issues and how I can't figure any of my stuff out. It was a fairly cathartic blowout, possibly for both of us, and I ended up emailing her why my frustrations are there. I think it was all fairly healthy. My mind is still in a mixed bag and trying to normalize itself, but I'm doing well. I think I had slight cravings at night because I had quite a bit to drink at an event, but I was really tired anyways, called a buddy, and I'm okay.
Thanks, achilles, for your encouragement. I like your suggestion, don't quit these forums, quit porn, haha. On my way
-siphus
Faptain America
Member
Hey man!
Glad to see you had a good time on vacation. Don't worry about the relapse(s); the change of scenery, lack of routine, etc... probably just... wait for it... exacerbates your masturbates.... heh heh heh.
Think of it like this: you were on vacation. What happened in Mexico will stay in Mexico and now you're back to your proper routine.
Try to be good to your mom, even if you want to yell at her. Chances are you are much more aware of your emotions than she is of hers. Always re-approach her and talk about the fight after a healthy cool-down. She may not be everything you want in a mother but she's the only one you got
Glad to see you had a good time on vacation. Don't worry about the relapse(s); the change of scenery, lack of routine, etc... probably just... wait for it... exacerbates your masturbates.... heh heh heh.
Think of it like this: you were on vacation. What happened in Mexico will stay in Mexico and now you're back to your proper routine.
Try to be good to your mom, even if you want to yell at her. Chances are you are much more aware of your emotions than she is of hers. Always re-approach her and talk about the fight after a healthy cool-down. She may not be everything you want in a mother but she's the only one you got
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
I hear ya. It's a 2-way street though, and I'm just being honest about what's happening in my day. A lot of us who run towards addiction had a family situation that contributed to it, and lot of times our parents had a family situation that wasn't super healthy either so they may not even know what's going wrong. It was a valuable conversation and email afterwards. I think we're in a good place.
Day 2
Getting Current
Busy day! I did everything in my routine except for serious exercise. But that's okay, because I helped a friend with her resume, and I helped my sister-in-law with a side project, so the excess time I had wasn't really even on myself, so a day off at the gym is acceptable for now... for Day 2 at least. I talked to THREE of my Group buddies today on the phone, and went to an SAA meeting, so honestly it was a great day overall.
Self-care was stressed by some other guys today and I thought again about what hobby I might want to pick up. Strangely enough, I was thinking about one of those mixing soundboards, kind of like the ones that the producer/DJs use. Traditional instruments never really stood out to me but I think I could have fun messing with synths and beats, but I'd have to do a lot of research to figure that one out. Oh well, worth investigating.
Minimal cravings. Day 2-4 are usually my easiest, so this is my time to solidify good habits and buckle down. Thanks for your support!
-siphus
Day 2
Getting Current
Busy day! I did everything in my routine except for serious exercise. But that's okay, because I helped a friend with her resume, and I helped my sister-in-law with a side project, so the excess time I had wasn't really even on myself, so a day off at the gym is acceptable for now... for Day 2 at least. I talked to THREE of my Group buddies today on the phone, and went to an SAA meeting, so honestly it was a great day overall.
Self-care was stressed by some other guys today and I thought again about what hobby I might want to pick up. Strangely enough, I was thinking about one of those mixing soundboards, kind of like the ones that the producer/DJs use. Traditional instruments never really stood out to me but I think I could have fun messing with synths and beats, but I'd have to do a lot of research to figure that one out. Oh well, worth investigating.
Minimal cravings. Day 2-4 are usually my easiest, so this is my time to solidify good habits and buckle down. Thanks for your support!
-siphus
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
Day 3 - Football and Footraces
Getting Current
Today was cool. It literally consisted of: 1) going to a soccer game with an old friend, 2) running 11 miles for my marathon training, 3) chilling at home and being productive.
Like, that's it. Which makes me happy. The 11 miles kicked my butt but in a good way. I guess why I like training for runs is because it's all a mental/physical personal challenge against myself, but it's one that actually ends up releasing endorphins when I fight through it. As opposed to my sobriety challenge, which it seems like the more I fight it, I feel weaker and weaker. I wish my sobriety battles were like toughing out a really hard run, where I fight my way through a temptation, and then I lay on my bed tired and satisfied.
Learning & Expanding
Tony Litster made a simple, awesome point. He said that sometimes we think that sexual activity is something that can "fill us up", like somehow if we can get enough, we'll have some supreme fulfillment. And so since there are ways to obtain it so easily now, my brain can just go crazy, trying to stuff as much "satisfaction" and "fulfillment", thinking that it'll complete me. But that's like a food addict who thinks that devouring the entire thanksgiving dinner will fill him up forever. But no, he'll still get hungry, and just about as quickly as everyone else that ate a normal portion. Likewise, this sexual stuff is just a part of life, that, if used appropriately, can build powerful bonds and bring good feelings, but life is much bigger than sex. Diving back into P will never complete us.
That's all for today, thanks,
-siphus
Getting Current
Today was cool. It literally consisted of: 1) going to a soccer game with an old friend, 2) running 11 miles for my marathon training, 3) chilling at home and being productive.
Like, that's it. Which makes me happy. The 11 miles kicked my butt but in a good way. I guess why I like training for runs is because it's all a mental/physical personal challenge against myself, but it's one that actually ends up releasing endorphins when I fight through it. As opposed to my sobriety challenge, which it seems like the more I fight it, I feel weaker and weaker. I wish my sobriety battles were like toughing out a really hard run, where I fight my way through a temptation, and then I lay on my bed tired and satisfied.
Learning & Expanding
Tony Litster made a simple, awesome point. He said that sometimes we think that sexual activity is something that can "fill us up", like somehow if we can get enough, we'll have some supreme fulfillment. And so since there are ways to obtain it so easily now, my brain can just go crazy, trying to stuff as much "satisfaction" and "fulfillment", thinking that it'll complete me. But that's like a food addict who thinks that devouring the entire thanksgiving dinner will fill him up forever. But no, he'll still get hungry, and just about as quickly as everyone else that ate a normal portion. Likewise, this sexual stuff is just a part of life, that, if used appropriately, can build powerful bonds and bring good feelings, but life is much bigger than sex. Diving back into P will never complete us.
That's all for today, thanks,
-siphus
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
Hey siphus,
referring to your reply at my journal:
and about your relapse:
I'd like to pick up that point. Do you use any protection on your phone/laptop? Maybe protecting the web browser at your phone to manually prevent you from directly accessing to porn might help. The way to porn on a smartphone is way too easy and a threat to us in situations we wouldn't expect. I use to switch off images at my browser during hard times, just to give me the advantage of having to make 5 extra clicks before being able to watch porn... these seconds might help, because one has time to think again before getting triggered.
referring to your reply at my journal:
siphus said:
and about your relapse:
siphus said:
I'd like to pick up that point. Do you use any protection on your phone/laptop? Maybe protecting the web browser at your phone to manually prevent you from directly accessing to porn might help. The way to porn on a smartphone is way too easy and a threat to us in situations we wouldn't expect. I use to switch off images at my browser during hard times, just to give me the advantage of having to make 5 extra clicks before being able to watch porn... these seconds might help, because one has time to think again before getting triggered.
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
achilles heel said:
Nice catch!! Yas, I actually don't use a smartphone anymore. If extremely desperate, my dumb phone can access some poor stuff, but I'm under the impression that if I get desperate enough, my healthy habits were already shot, and that I can always find a way if I really want to. I also don't browse the web on my phone, saving any necessary browsing for a time when I can do it safely on my laptop. As for my laptop, I use it for recovery work so I believe that I have to learn how to use it in a balanced way since it's key for recovery. Thus the time limit I put on non-productive activities.
So... I've definitely taken major steps to reduce the possibilities, lol. Doesn't mean exceptions don't come up, though. And that's what I need to be more careful about, say, 2 weeks from now. For example, in Mexico I brought along a spare smartphone to take pictures with. Of course, this smartphone also gets wi-fi, and since I'm not used to how that feels to have it, my mind went wild. I should've thought through the possibilities and been wiser about that.
Day 4 - Solid Sunday
Getting Current
Today was real good. Check off nearly everything on the routine. I didn't call any group buddies but I'll pick that back up tomorrow. Got good exercise, good spiritual stuff, played some games, made my first healthy fruit smoothie ever, and hoping to keep experimenting and making some good healthy drinks that way. No cravings I don't think. Just a great mix of routine and recreation.
Learning & Expanding
I listened to Tony Litster talk about the Body a bit today. He mentioned that sometimes we really push ourselves and become so dependent on stimulants and forcing our way through stress and busy situations that we need to take more time to do things like this: take just 7 minutes, set a timer if you want, to let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel, whether its exhaustion, depression, anxiety, whatever. But just feel it. And then once it's done, get up and shake it off. Our natural bodies go through cycles throughout the day of activity and rest, but sometimes we just down more caffeine or play mental games to avoid that cycle, instead of just resting. When we do that, it's a violation of natural law, and leads to a greater crash, a less healthy lifestyle, and the brain might just end up craving that full kick that'll make everything all "better". Definitely some food for thought. Om nom nom.
-siphus
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
siphus said:
It depends on the state of recovery, in general you're right, but take for example the third/fourth week when euphoria vanishes and cravings set in. If you want to avoid sugar it does make a difference if the cookies are placed on the table, in the fridge or at the supermarket around the corner and to my experience there are some stages of recovery where healthy habits just aren't enough, but you need to hide any possible trigger from yourself. You might use it to get through the hardest days which in your case also seem to be the days following up the three-weeks-mark.
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
Yeah you're right man. I wonder what exactly I should do when I get to that critical threshold point. What do I do with the computer? What do I do with my phone? Maybe at that point I should just start calling my Group guys, a lot. Idk :-\
Day 5 - Peak Performance
Getting Current
I forgot to post last night but no big deal because here I am. I feel great. I know that my days 2-6 or so are always my best ones. My brain chemicals are completely balanced and there are little cravings. Usually around day 10-14 or so, things start getting out of control. I guess that's why I'm just glad that I'm keeping up with my positive habits right now.
I had one of those annoying relapse-ish dreams last night. Definitely not the last time it'll happen. But I avoided MO, which I think is helpful since I had an MO just the night before, and usually if I start doing that over and over again it leads to PMO shortly after that. So things are all good.
Learning & Expanding
I want to share a "Life Creed" that the Recovery Workshop suggested to put together. It might change in time, but it's better to define one now and let it change if it needs to. It seems just a little over-the-top, but that's sort of me. I'm a little spiritual and philosophical and it is what it is lol:
To live with purposeful honesty, harnessing the power of Light positively in the lives of others and myself.
I find that honesty and a genuine approach to life is the only thing that I feel truly comfortable with, although it is still very difficult at times. I want to be able to speak proudly about living honestly, and the strength of character that it develops, rather than living in the shadows and bottling scary things. I don?t believe that an honest life requires brutal honesty, or opening up everything to everyone. Discretion is extremely important, because this type of ideology is fairly uncommon. But I want to maintain both an honest perception of self, others, while still maintaining a positive and optimistic outlook by using Light to bring powerful change in our lives.
^May need some work. First draft lol. Siphus out.
-siphus
Day 5 - Peak Performance
Getting Current
I forgot to post last night but no big deal because here I am. I feel great. I know that my days 2-6 or so are always my best ones. My brain chemicals are completely balanced and there are little cravings. Usually around day 10-14 or so, things start getting out of control. I guess that's why I'm just glad that I'm keeping up with my positive habits right now.
I had one of those annoying relapse-ish dreams last night. Definitely not the last time it'll happen. But I avoided MO, which I think is helpful since I had an MO just the night before, and usually if I start doing that over and over again it leads to PMO shortly after that. So things are all good.
Learning & Expanding
I want to share a "Life Creed" that the Recovery Workshop suggested to put together. It might change in time, but it's better to define one now and let it change if it needs to. It seems just a little over-the-top, but that's sort of me. I'm a little spiritual and philosophical and it is what it is lol:
To live with purposeful honesty, harnessing the power of Light positively in the lives of others and myself.
I find that honesty and a genuine approach to life is the only thing that I feel truly comfortable with, although it is still very difficult at times. I want to be able to speak proudly about living honestly, and the strength of character that it develops, rather than living in the shadows and bottling scary things. I don?t believe that an honest life requires brutal honesty, or opening up everything to everyone. Discretion is extremely important, because this type of ideology is fairly uncommon. But I want to maintain both an honest perception of self, others, while still maintaining a positive and optimistic outlook by using Light to bring powerful change in our lives.
^May need some work. First draft lol. Siphus out.
-siphus
Faptain America
Member
That's a good point about how if you really want it that bad nothing is going to stop you. That's the exact reason I haven't bothered with filters and the like. I DID remove tumblr from my phone and got rid of pics I had saved from it though. That was TOO easy. With straight porn I have to go through a conversation in my head anyways and if i'm looking at porn it's because I lost the conversation so it's moot at that point.
Cheers,
-The Faptain
Cheers,
-The Faptain
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
Day 6 - Big Poppa
Getting Current
I'll keep it short today. My routine wasn't perfect, but that's because I ended up getting into conversation with my pops for like 3 hours today!! Which is actually pretty awesome, because if you read some earlier stuff, I've had some ups and downs with him in this process. But it was really cool, and I didn't feel unbalanced for not getting everything else in. Very minimal cravings today.
No real learning today. nbd. Busy day tomorrow with counseling and stuff. See yallz later.
-siphus
Getting Current
I'll keep it short today. My routine wasn't perfect, but that's because I ended up getting into conversation with my pops for like 3 hours today!! Which is actually pretty awesome, because if you read some earlier stuff, I've had some ups and downs with him in this process. But it was really cool, and I didn't feel unbalanced for not getting everything else in. Very minimal cravings today.
No real learning today. nbd. Busy day tomorrow with counseling and stuff. See yallz later.
-siphus
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
Faptain America said:
And I hear ya Fap. Once you think about it, the easy stuff is a no-brainer to remove. For some people even Facebook and for many people IG is just better off not being on their phones as well. Too easy to just get on and let the mind wander while utilizing the gateway drug aspect of it.
-siphus
vigilantwarrior
Active Member
Day 7 - Week Without Weakness
Getting Current
Today was busy! I had a special session at counseling and I had to be there earlier. So I did my morning routine, ran 6 miles, watched a little TV, and went up there and just did counseling stuff all day. I did notice that I had a weird craving this evening while we were talking about a certain concept in Group, but I called up some buddies and I feel all better.
see in my spreadsheet
No monumental learning today either since my recovery work was focused on counseling. More to come in the next few days!
-siphus
Getting Current
Today was busy! I had a special session at counseling and I had to be there earlier. So I did my morning routine, ran 6 miles, watched a little TV, and went up there and just did counseling stuff all day. I did notice that I had a weird craving this evening while we were talking about a certain concept in Group, but I called up some buddies and I feel all better.
see in my spreadsheet
No monumental learning today either since my recovery work was focused on counseling. More to come in the next few days!
-siphus
PeaceOfMind062012
Active Member
Hey Siphus,
Stay strong brotha! We're all pulling for you!
Cool spreadsheet idea. I'm just starting with mine, so maybe I'll copy your idea, who knows!
Yeah, I know for myself, facebook can be a trigger. I find this whole recovery thing is a really a move towards the spiritual dimension because it forces us to be WAY more aware of what our thought processes are, and that?s a good thing
-Peace
Stay strong brotha! We're all pulling for you!
Cool spreadsheet idea. I'm just starting with mine, so maybe I'll copy your idea, who knows!
Yeah, I know for myself, facebook can be a trigger. I find this whole recovery thing is a really a move towards the spiritual dimension because it forces us to be WAY more aware of what our thought processes are, and that?s a good thing
-Peace
planet_earth_is_blue
Member
Hey Siphus,
I recently started my own spreadsheet. Do you have any idea how to change the year or how to put the put the month before the day? Currently my spreadsheet dates look like this: day/month/2014...
Great first draft of your "Life Creed." I always enjoy the Learning and Expanding parts of your journal entries.
Good to hear from you!
-Blue
I recently started my own spreadsheet. Do you have any idea how to change the year or how to put the put the month before the day? Currently my spreadsheet dates look like this: day/month/2014...
Great first draft of your "Life Creed." I always enjoy the Learning and Expanding parts of your journal entries.
Good to hear from you!
-Blue
achilles heel
Well-Known Member
I hope you're doing well and just being too busy to relapse!
Faptain America
Member
Hey Brother,
Just checking in to say hi. Glad you're doing well.
Cheers,
-The Faptain
Just checking in to say hi. Glad you're doing well.
Cheers,
-The Faptain