Finally moving towards recovery!

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey ya'll!

I had a relapse last night. Feeling kinda shitty today. It's always the same after a relapse; my heads in a fog, and everything feels a little shitty, in my head I'm questioning everything in my life - life choices, etc. but I know that if I can just get through today, and keep my chin up, that tomorrow will be better, and then things will just get better after that (as long as I stay away from P).

Luckily, I don't feel AS DOWN as I used to after a relapse, and maybe that's because I'm not PMO-ing nearly as much as before, and I know that I'm on the road to recovery.

I had a relapse last night, and before that I had one around mid February, and before that I had on around late December, and before that, late July, and before that was April. I look at those dates and think "oh, I haven't relapsed very much" but I have to also remember how many times I've been TEMPTED to relapse and haven't, and I'd say that that number is probably about triple or quadruple the number of times I've actually relapsed.

Say YAY to recovery! I'm still hanging in there, and still moving forward with my recovery, but I'm still (obviously) being tempted by P and P subs - I kinda know that it'll be there (probably) forever.

Anyway, if anybody wants to comment, that'd be great! Sorry I haven't been posting a lot, but I'll try to do more.

All the best fapstronauts!!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hello fellow fapstronauts!

Well, I fell into the trap again I relapsed 3 days ago, and then last night I relapsed, and then today I did twice again. It looks like I underestimated the strength of PMO to pull me back in again.

It's wierd, like right before I go to relapse I feel almost nothing. It's like I know that this will ruin my night, and then the next couple of days, but there's just a part of me that doesn't really care. It just wants the pleasure, and maybe a cerytain part of me wants the self destructive-ness too?

I don't know, also I feel that a relapse can be brought on my other life things that are taking place. Like for me, if things haven't really been going "my way" (and I kinda feel that things haven't been for the last month) then I think that on a subconscious level I sort of get frustrated and then it's easier to just want to throw everything away in a binge of PMO (and also an attempt to briefly feel good again).

Well, anyway, here I am, with a bit of a set back. I find now is the hardest time in healing from a relapse, cuz I'm kind of depleted in my dopmine, and nothing really feels good. And I know that it'll be a couple days before I feel good again, or feel like myself again. But there is ONE thing that will make me feel good (or so my brain tells me), and it's so tempting to just PMO one last time. But it's a bunch of bullshit, and I just gotta not do it. It's fucking hard (as we all know), but I just gotta not do it.

It's weird how after PMO-ing pretty intensely for a day or two, I just start to get more depressed and feeling like my life is crap (which isn't true, it's just the ashamed feelings and the lack of "feel" good hormones that make me see the world through a negative view).

Well, I just gotta pick my chin up, and stay strong through the next few days until I can get my feet back on the ground and continue with my recovery. I hope, hope, hope that I don't fall back into PMO in a big way. And like you were saying (gentleman86), I gotta look at the big picture, and not just the few times I've fallen down. If I focus on that, then I'll get more depressed. No I have to look at the bigger picture, and look at how many times I HAVEN'T PMO-ed in the last year.

Anyway, wish me luck everyone And thank you both for your input Achilles and Gentleman Means a lot to me.

Much love to everyone!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everybody!

Well I had another relapse again last night and then I watched again this morning. Hmmm, well, ok, so I had a relapse. I obviously have a problem - as we all know, that's why we're here.

It seems that now I'm at a certain frequency of about 1 PMO a month. I wish I was totally clean, but at least I'm keeping it down to that amount of PMO.

I really fell into the trap last night. I watched first for about 15 minutes and then O'd, and I guess my brain was like "ok, well now that I've thrown self control out the window, I might as well watch as much as I want", and then I just binge watched for about an hour and a half. And then I guess with the same rationale I just watched some more this morning. So I PMO-ed 3 times. Ok, not a huge deal, but it's still what I'm trying to avoid. Looking back on it, I can see kind of what triggered me into falling into the trap again: I went to a party where I had a decently good time, but I was looking to stay longer than the party lasted, so that disappointed me. Also, (and this is a bit hard to explain, but hopefully you'll get it), when I'm around people that I compare myself to and find myself wanting (say in the area of career, or whatever), or if they also kind of actively make fun of me and kind of get under my skin, then it sets me up to be in a state of almost being annoyed and wanting to yell at that person, or punch them, but obviously you know you can do that, so the frustration just builds up, and then I look for an outlet, which often ends up being late at night so I don't really go for a walk or something to let off steam, and then my outlet ends up being P! Also, a bit of alcohol doesn't help cuz it can often fuel frustration and lack of inhibition.

So, I fell into the trap, and I realize that. Luckily I'm not so far into the trap right now that I'm afraid to leave the house and talk to people. I've gotten up, moved around and left the house, and now I'm in a cafe.

One thing I try to do immediately is forgive myself. I've said this before and I'll say it again - I feel a huge part of recovering from a relapse is forgiving yourself. I feel that I should also do this in the rest of my life once I'm not in danger of relapsing, but for some reason I don't. I'm hard on myself in other areas of my life, but when I get close to hitting rock bottom I can see how important it is to not keep going further down, and so I forgive myself (which is really good, because otherwise I could feel very very low). But I see that I need to try and forgive myself for other things in the rest of my life - cultivate a mentality of forgiveness. Because otherwise it's really easy to be hard on myself and beat myself up about other shortcomings, which causes me to be stressed, which eventually builds up and makes it more likely that I'll PMO. Haha, it's a crazy cycle.

Anyway, it is what it is. I'm in recovery mode today, and oddly enough when I'm in this state I find it a little easier to deal with some of life's challenges, probably because I'm in that state of forgiving myself. I guess that key is to try and maintain a more lasting state of forgiveness and allowing myself to be as I am. And allowing things to be as they are. People to be as they are. Cuz otherwise I'm just fighting against everything and it causes me stress

Thanks for reading

-Peace

 

[Nope]

Hey Peace! Sorry about ur relapse. I can totally relate to what you said about stress. I'm pretty happy with my life right now, but sometimes I have a bad time because I demand too much of myself. I'd like to get more things done before the day ends, it's difficult to me to realize I'm being too hard on myself. I gotta improve my acceptance of reality, in summary. In fact, I've kept myself away from weed and alcohol, which I'm really happy about cause I think they where major causes of relapse for me. Nevertheless, for my the most powerful trigger is stress, hands down.

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey ya'll,

Hey Nope! Thanks for commenting! Yes, stress is a pretty prickly pear to tangle with isn't it? I find that when I PMO it makes me more susceptible to stress and then I'm more susceptible to PMO because I'm stressed. Oh, well, I'm going to try and get a good nights sleep tonight, and hopefully that will help alleviate my stress That's great Nope that you're doing well these days! Congrats! Personally I've been going through a little rough patch for no apparent reason. Isn't that weird when you get down and the mild depression hangs over you like a cloud? I wish that didn?t happen to me, but sometimes it does Anyway, I've been sort of down for about 2 weeks and hopefully I'm coming out of it now.


Otherwise, I'm just trucking along here, trying to re-wire my brain and recover, as you all know what it's like.

Again, I find that the few days afterwards, everything seems dull and un-interesting and I feel like my life is crap. But I know that that isn't true, and that after a few days I'll be more back to where I was, or at least closer to where I was. But it's hard in those first few days, I tell ya!

I was thinking today about how strange it is that I know and remember how crappy the after effects of relapse are, but how somehow, I forget how crappy I'm going to feel and I just go ahead and spend all that dopamine just sitting there for minute after minute, hour after hour, just clicking to the next thing, wanting that next dopamine rush. Because it feels good! Obviously, but then it feels like garbage for way longer than it feels good for. This is obviously the basis of all addiction, the problem that I have to be able to overcome in the moment - but that urge is just so strong that it fucks with my self control and I just give in and PMO.

So, I'm just gonna keep going and try my best to abstain, and use this latest relapse to strengthen my resolve, and to keep learning lessons about myself and this addiction.

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everybody!

It's been a little while since I wrote an entry. Overall things have been well. I've unfortunately had a couple of relapse over the past few weeks that I wish I hadn?t had, but hey, that?s what happened.

It's been about 4 days since my last relapse and I'm just now beginning to feel normal again - like to the point where I can smile at people and feel comfortable, laugh with a pretty girl and not feel weird, but actually feel confident; find beauty in small things like flowers or sunsets, or lakes or mountains. And I'm hopefully strengthening my resolve to stay away from P. I feel like I need something to strengthen my resolve. I mean maybe there's no other option except coming on here and posting and just keeping with it. Or maybe I should watch some of Gabe Deem's videos, but I feel like I need some little things to help strengthen my resolve to quit.

My birthday's coming up soon, so I think I'm going to start a new thread in the 30-39 section of this site (but I will still post in this thread from time to time). Thank you all for reading when you did, and being supportive in my recovery.

Nothing much more else to say except that I'm happy I've been away from P for the last few days - I feel more real, more credible and more like myself, even though life is not 'perfect' at least I'm able to relax in healthy normal ways without having the craving. I mean I still have the cravings, but at least I can see that they will only lead to feeling really really bad! Haha,

All the best,

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everyone!

I'm trying to post more often. But I think this is the last post I'll make in the under 30 section because I recently turned 30!! Woohoo! Well, to tell you the truth I've actually been going through a bit of a depression due to all the things associated with turning 30, as well as falling back into using P, and then it becomes a vicious cycle you know? It's like once I get depressed from watching P, I'm much more likely to watch it again, etc, etc, the same old cycle we all know. But today I wrote down some stuff in my journal about this depressive phase I've been going through, and one of the solutions I came up with for how to deal with it was to redouble my efforts in quitting P. So I am re-realizing that I can't mess around with this stuff. I have to do my best to get off of it.

I'm having not super great luck with the ladies, although there are a few I'm interested in. But I find (maybe this is due to the porn) that I'm kind of interested in a whole bunch at once, which sometimes means that I don't really pursue any of them. And also I'm finding that my courtship abilities are kind of stunted and maybe a bit non-existent. Sometimes that bums me out, but I think it's just something that I have to work on and develop. I know I can be a loving and caring person; I just need the opportunity to show it.

Well, there's my post for tonight!

Hope you're all well!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey all!

It's been a awhile since I posted, and I know that I said I was going to transfer over my thread to the "over 30" section, but oh well I haven't gotten around to it yet.

I just wanted to write a little but cuz it's been a while since I've posted.

So as for my PMO-ing - I'm doing ok with it but not totally "cured yet" lol. Basically I will PMO once every week or once every 2 weeks,  but I'm still trying to get rid of it in my life. I'm actually thinking of trying to some "blocking software" for my devices, just to add that extra bit of deterrence for myself. Does anybody have any suggestions for one that is good, and possibly free?

On another note, I've started uses an app on my phone called "brain buddy" that helps to quit P. And although I'm still slipping up every now and again, I find that these things are helpful in preventing relapses in the future. It's like those avalanche fences, ya know? Like it won't necessarily prevent one from happening in the future, but it makes it less likely that there will be many of them, and that they will be as frequent and devastating.

So, I'm not going through a huge streak of not PMO-ing, but I'm also not going through a massive relapse streak either, just a few relapses here and there.

Hope you're all doing well!!

-Peace

 

[IAdmitItIHaveAProblem]

Hey! Thanks for the compliment on my journal!

Blockers didn't really work for me because I would always find ways around them. I had to resolve to just keep the computer off for the first couple of weeks and then I installed a couple of add ons to help me. The biggest one was probably the Panic Button app for nofap because it redirects you back to the nofap subreddit, which is an awful place but it's better than caving in to PMO. After a few weeks of that, just recognizing how you feel when you visit certain websites and turning them off before the first sign of trouble.

Occupy your time with better things. Also, the biggest thing, learn how your body and mind trick you! More often than not, with me anyway, the problem that frequently gets me is feeling like I've failed, or feeling guilt for something minor. That includes things like, "I should have turned away from that website sooner than I did" and then just giving up as a complete failure because I legitimately feel like one.

I know a lot of people use K9 web blocker. I did for a while, but I didn't want to be tied to an outside source to stop me from PMO. It really has to come from within.

Edit: YES! Hard mode is the way to go. 100%.

 

[achilles heel]

Hey, Peace!

It's great to see you around! I wish our "class of 2016" was still complete, but it seems as if almost all of them failed and gave in... it's kind of demotivating to see so many people quit on here, but maybe we just need more positive examples. Let's work on becoming those positive examples ourselves!

I'm not going through a huge streak of not PMO-ing, but I'm also not going through a massive relapse streak either, just a few relapses here and there.

Same here, basically I manage to stay clean during the week (because I am too busy), then relapse on the weekend, many times hangover related. We should remember that we both already made it 100+ days porn free. It's possible and this current state is still the addiction dominating our life, just with bigger intervals between using.

I'm actually thinking of trying to some "blocking software" for my devices, just to add that extra bit of deterrence for myself. Does anybody have any suggestions for one that is good, and possibly free?

As I mentioned in my journal, I suggest LeechBlock for Firefox, because you have various options to regulate your overall internet use and it's free. I still haven't found any free device for android and would be glad if there was any...

 

[Faptain America]

Hey Peace!

Glad to see you're doing well! I'm also in the same boat as you. I'm over 30 and also (as you guys know) on a lighter regime than some of the other folks on here. For me porn is more of a treat now than a need. I use my head to fantasize alot now and it feels great. For some folks using porn as a treat is a very slippery slope and it certainly can be for me as well but I feel like i'm in a good place and I feel like this addiction has significantly less power over me now than it did before. Not everyone can wean but if you can make it work I strongly feel it's the best way to be rid of the addiction.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everyone!

I meant to post this a few days ago but I didn't get around to it, so I'm going to post it now. I haven't (luckily) relapsed since the mini relapse I describe below, but obviously I'm still at risk and am vigilant. The last time I PMO'ed was about 3-4 weeks ago. Sorry about this super long post but I just started writing and everything I wrote is still relevant so here it is I figure one long post every now and again is better than not posting at all


I didn't have a full relapse two nights ago , but I did have kind of a 'half relapse' with P subs. It's weird: I feel like my mind is back in the place of feeling heavy shame for relapsing even though I didn't have a full relapse. And now I'm trying to get back to the place where I feel good again, doing self talk to tell myself that I've been actually doing really well (which I have been - I haven't watched P in about 3 weeks or so), but once my mind discerns that I've failed and that I've done something shameful, it seems to want to jump right back into the mode of being ashamed, and angry at myself and feeling like I don't deserve to be happy and feel joy! Haha, it's crazy! Like even though I've been doing really well with my addiction struggle, it just wants to focus on the one 'bad' thing that happened two nights ago where I got triggered and I let down my guard and fell back into an old reactive pattern. Well fuck it addiction - I'm not going to completely fall back into this goddamned trap of feeling completely shitty about myself which then becomes a viscous cycle that feeds more addictive behaviour. I'm gonna pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on moving. I'm going to continue on doing the things that I had planned today and I'm gonna continue to write my poetry and music and expressing myself, I'm gonna keep trying to do exercise as much as possible, running and doing stretches and doing push-ups Peace is gonna stick with it friends




And friends! Thank you ten million times, thank you for commenting on my page. It means the world to me, because it helps me feel not alone, and it helps me build up that sense of community. I definitely want to return the comments in kind on your threads as well, and I will, but for now I'm just posting on here, and will respond to some of the things you guys said on my thread

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

(Oops, that wasn't the whole post - here's the rest of it)

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey I ! Thanks for the advice about blocking software! I totally agree with you that ultimately the desire to change has to come from within and I can't rely on blocking software to do all the work for me. And you're totally right about observing your mind and body and how they trick you. Last night when I got triggered (it was by something that I read) I was able to say to myself in my head "ok, here you are and you've been triggered and you can stop it if you try hard enough, but just so you know, you're being triggered and you can be aware of this". I mean, it's not perfect, I still had a mini relapse episode with P subs, but I was able to have that 'witnessing voice' inside of me that saw what was happening. As for the 'panic app' is that for IOS do you know? And also that's very good advice about occupying myself with better things - today I went for a hike and a swim - yesterday I went into the city and walked around and enjoyed the vibe in the city (even though the 'half relapse' was on my mind, I pushed through it and kept doing the things I had planned for the day). It's funny: I find hard mode is good, but often what will happen is that I'll go with hard mode for awhile and then have some version of a relapse because my 'horny-ness' level has built up , and I get easily triggered. I guess I just need to have more self discipline or occupy my time with better things, or both. But yes, I agree with you  that hard mode is the best way to conserve your life energy! 


Achilles!! So good to hear from you as one of the "class of 2016" I saw Siphus posted on here a month or two ago, so not everybody is totally out of the loop, but I definitely agree: it's great to see some folks still around from when we first started posting on here at the beginning of our no PMO journeys It's funny - I felt as if I should change over my journal to be in the "over 30's" group, but I'm just gonna keep my thread in here for now because I've built up ties in this small community from my year and a half of posting in here and I value that continuity, so for now I'm gonna stick in here. I might also start a thread in the "over 30's" group just to start a presence with that group, but for now, I'm just gonna stick with this one

Yes, I've been having a few relapses in the past little while, but I'm obviously trying to keep it to a minimum like I described in one of my earlier posts I liken my movement away from this addiction to be like constructing avalanche fences: it might not stop them from ever happening again, but it does make it harder for the relapses that do happen from carrying me away completely, and strengthens the tools at my disposal for helping me get away from this stuff. On the positive side, I've been getting the odd morning wood, and I've been able to get hard with my imagination and my hand when I do M....... so , yay!! Small victories where I can get 'em

I haven't gone full 'hard mode', maybe cuz I'm unable to, or cuz I like to continue to M, but at least I'm not PMO-ing. I am however open to the concept of trying to go to 'hard mode' because I recognize the value in conserving my energy for other productive life things.

And yes, it is super important to remember that we have both already made it +100 days with no PMO, and know that we CAN DO IT AGAIN! And yes, let's try our darnedest to be those good examples to strive for! I know we can do it, especially with the help of this community let's continue to stick together

It's interesting Achilles that you relapse when hungover, cuz I'm most likely to relapse when I'm drunk, or at least buzzed. But then if I gave in the night before, I'm definitely more likely to give in the next morning when I'm hungover (hungover both from alcohol and also from P).




Faptain!! Good to hear from you again too! All my buds

That's very impressive that you can have P as a 'treat' and still manage to not let it get out of control! For me I can't really 'dance with the devil' like that. I pretty much have to cut it out of my life as much as possible. I still do fantasize and do M regularly, but I know that I have to use P as little as I possibly can that's just what works best for me to give me a more balanced life where I can be more confident and function and interact with people in a way that feels good and normal for me But yes I also agree with you (as I made mention of earlier in this post), that my philosophy towards this thing is of weaning myself off of P, basically slowing down my usage as much as possible, and strengthening other parts of my life so as to make relapses less and less likely.

Thank you all again so much for posting and commenting. I'll try be in touch more often, but unfortunately life seems to get in the way, and I get distracted and then don't end up writing in my journal, but have faith that I am still here and that I'm still struggling with this addiction and that I'm doing my best to minimize its presence in my life.

All the best to all of you. I love you all! And keep up the good (albeit difficult) work!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everyone! I had a big relapse last night- PMO-ed twice over a period of about an hour. I had been drinking a bit last night and then I just gave in to it, basically out of loneliness and boredom. I know this is true. I had basically had a really good day up until that point and as I wrote in an earlier post, I hadn't PMO-ed in like 3-4 weeks.

Yesterday in the morning I ran into this woman that I have a crush on, who I kinda think doesn't like me back (but fingers crossed *might ), but we still had a nice interaction and left me with a good feeling to start my day, then today I have off, so I had a little celebration (I guess) after work - I went to a restaurant and had a nice bit to eat while I read a book, then hung out with friends afterwards (and had a couple of drinks and a couple of cigarettes), and then retired to my room - had another drink and then watched some funny youtube videos and had a midnight snack so I wouldn't wake up too hungover. I was doing well! And then ............I PMO-ed! Looking back on it, I realize why it happened - basically because I was pretty happy and excited to have a good time, I had this excited energy (to want to hang out with people), but because everyone else had to work the next day, they went to bed early, and I didn't have anybody to party with, so it's almost like that happy fun excited energy didn't have n outlet in the form of real human interaction so I turned to P. Oh well, that'd what happened. I know what happened. I hope it doesn't happen again soon (like with "the chaser"effect, ya know?). Like I mentioned in earlier posts, I liken it to building avalanche fences: I know relapses will still happen, but I hope that they will happen less and less often and that they won't entirely ruin my life......until one day I relapse less and less............and less. Another analogy I was thinking of (this one might seem a bit more strange, but for me it works well): the image of conquering an opponent in a fight. I have them down on the ground, and I almost have them completely subdued, but every now and again they give a weak defiant punch (a relapse), but then I have to keep wrestling them to the ground (recovery).

On the good side, I'm not feeling THAT bad today, I mean I'm feeling a little hungover (from P and alcohol AND cigarettes), but I'm not feeling a lot of shame, which is REALLY REALLY great. I'm just gonna be kind to myself, slow down and get through my day off without rushing.

Love you all! Peace is gonna keep going.

Peace is out

(I wrote a some responses to peeps in a post above this

 

[achilles heel]

Thanks a lot for your constant support and kind words, Peace! Did you get back on your feet yet? I hope you managed to use your inner "avalanche fence" to avoid further relapses, let's keep working on a success story, it's about time!

Focus on your half relapse two days before the full relapse, every time you notice such a half relapse or how you are tempted more than usual, make a plan how to stay away from your computer if it's not totally neccessary for the following days. It doesn't always work, but blocking software or leaving the house / meeting people for the following days might help avoiding the chaser effect. For me it works out well as long as I stay away from alcohol, drinking basically is the main problem and you kind of confirmed this for yourself too. When I drink I try to set up something for the next morning, might be sports or just meeting people, so I make sure I don't wake up hungover, bored and lonely.

I hope you're doing well!

 

[Nope]

Hey Peace!

I came back to the forum! hahaha I'm glad to see you still in the right path I think we started the reboot at the same time more or less and it's been always encouraging to read your journal.

I've been in the same situation you went through the other night. Now I try to drink only if I have a night plan, something to keep my self entertained and socializing.

Well, see you around

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everyone!

Just checking in for my regular checkup to tell you all how I'm doing. Well, I haven't (fingers crossed) relapsed since my last post, so that?s totally awesome! I?m pretty psyched about that, but ya know, it really has to be one day at a time. I just gotta keep getting better and better at recognizing my own triggers and taking steps to prevent them.

You're welcome Achilles for the kind words, and thank you as well!! And yes, my "inner avalanche fence" worked, at least up until this point and I DID get back on feet!! I mean, I have faith in myself, but I also am a realist, and know that I've relapsed in the past, so that's why I'm just taking it one day at a time. Fucking good advice about observing the mini relapse before the big one, haha, I didn't really notice that that's the way it had happened, but I looked back on it, and indeed you were right! First I had the mini, and then 2 days later I had a major one. Yep, totally good advice about observing myself and taking steps to avoid it in future, I think that's really what gets me is the slow, subtle slippery slope of shame and depression that creeps in that I don't notice, and that eventually leads to a relapse. It?s all about doing small maintenance things to ensure it doesn't happen in the future, basically this whole process is about getting to know myself better and observing myself and being very present and honest about what?s happening inside me. Also, totally correct about staying away from alchohol. As I mention later in this post, I'm moving in by myself soon, and I hope that this change will lead me to drink a little bit less, cuz right now I often drink when I'm around other people and also when I'm kind of pissed off at one of my roommates and just want to distract myself from the frustration annoyance and pain. So I'm hoping that when I'm living alone, I will be able to reinforce more positive habits and also hopefully drink less often, and also drink more "purposefully" like more for social occasions as opposed to just because I'm bored etc.

Hey Nope! Good to see you too! Glad you're back! How was your time away? Were you able to stay away from PMO? As I just wrote above, I also share your experience with alcohol - as in - it leads to possible relapse, (for me it used to be only smoking weed that always lead directly to relapse, but more in the last year or two I've also fallen into PMO after drinking alcohol, so I may have to try abstain more from that too). And also, as I've mentioned earlier, I'm hoping that once I move in by myself, I'll be able to maybe drink a bit less, get to bed more consistently and get more consistent sleep and do more projects that I love and find fun! Which will all hopefully lead to stronger "avalanche fences"

Thank you both so much for writing in my journal and giving me support!!

On a good note: last night I was having a few drinks and some cigarettes and chatting and have good times with my roomies (pretty much the same set of circumstances that led to my relapse two weeks ago), and then I made a bite to eat and made moves towards bed - butttttt, this time I didn't chose to watch YouTube videos while I ate, and instead chose to read a book. I think this very simple choice is what made it that I DIDN'T relapse last night!! It did cross my mind a tiny bit, but I think that just the memory of knowing what happened last time I was in these circumstances, and also having had a deep and meaningful conversation with one of my roomies beforehand kind of sobered up my mind you know? And therefore put me in a more 'realistic' mind set, that allowed me to be like "ok, no I'm not going to PMO, because I've been down this road a million times and I know where this fuckin' road leads, and I know that honestly I can't PMO, because I know that tomorrow I'm going to feel miserable and ashamed of myself. So - I didn't PMO last night!! Heck ya!!

In other news in my life: right now I'm living in a house with a bunch of roommates, but pretty soon I'm going to be moving  into an apartment all by myself!! I'm feeling a mixture of emotions, but I think that overall It's going to be a good thing. I'm super excited to have to opportunity to arrange the place to way I want, and to be able to do any sort of project that I want to do (right now it's a bit cramped quarters and so I find that I often don't have the freedom to do the things that I want to do, the way I want to do them). So I'm super excited about that part, but I'm also sad about leaving the situation that I've been living in for a little more than a year, and leaving behind the friends I've made in that space, but I also know that I'll remain friends with them, it's just that I won't be living there full time anymore and so won't be so intimately connected to everything and everyone in that house anymore. But that's cool, because I know that in life I need to move forward and make choices that I feel are healthy, and I know that if I stayed where I'm at, I wouldn't feel healthy.

I also hope that living by myself will allow me to have more consistently better sleep, cuz right now I'm often tempted to stay up a little later and hang out with my roomies (I must admit - we do have a lot of fun), and also there's often more noise later at night than I would like when I'm trying to go to bed.


One more thing I'm super aware of is the risk of PMO-ing and falling back into relapse. So, I have faith in myself, but being realistic I know that I'll probably relapse a couple times after I've moved in by myself. However, I am also hopeful that once I'm living by myself I'll be able to construct and arrange my life the way I want so that I'll to able to avoid PMO more (that's the hope anyway). I think the trick for me is that I just gotta keep doing the things that I want, and having fun and try to invite people over for hangouts to keep me from going too much into myself, and spiraling into the darker parts of myself. I haven't lived by myself for almost 10 years, and when I did last time was kind of the first time that I spiraled badly into uncontrolled PMO. So I do see the risk of living alone in that, but I also hope that now that I'm older, and have more awareness of this addiction, and more resources to draw on, I'll have more of those avalanche fences to keep me stronger and safer

But, yeah when I think about it, I'm super excited to be able to live by myself!! Ya know? Like right now I often feel like I can't fully be myself or arrange my space the way I want to, but when I'm living by myself I really feel and hope that I'll be able to feel free in that space and create a supportive space for myself.

That's all for now folks! Still sticking with it, still visiting this site, and still posting in my journal

Love you all! I wish you all the best!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey folks!

I had another friggin relapse last night (PMO'ed twice) and then this morning I PMO-ed again. It looks like I'm in that stupid "three week rut" or something like it: but I'm going to try my best to not get frustrated and discouraged about acknowledging that pattern, and just keep on truckin' towards recovery. Any advice for getting past the "three week rut"?

I think I'm going to have to lay off the booze for a little while in situations where I'm just going to be alone afterwards because that's what happened last night I mean a lot of the time me PMO-ing comes from the often uncomfortable feelings of being with people/ having a great time, and then the "letdown" of being alone afterwards. So in the long term I know that that's a pattern that I'm going to have to deal with in my psyche :/

Love you all! Wish me luck!

-Peace

 

[Jack Can]

why not just give up booze forever?