Finally moving towards recovery!

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Everybody!

It's been 125 days since I last PMO-ed! I'm still on the path of recovery, and I'm very thankful for that. I can't say that I'm fully recovered however, and I feel that it will be years and years before I can say that. Or maybe I'll never be able to say that I'm fully recovered, and that I'll be a P addict for life, and that it's just something I'll have to manage forever. Just like and alcoholic not being able to ever have a drink again - I'll just never be able to look at P again without falling into a full blown relapse. That's actually ok with me; I'm fine with not watching the stuff forever.

But on that note, I find that my mind is C-R-A-V-I-N-G it these days!!! It's insane!! I find it usually happens more around bedtime, when I'm already exhausted, and I'm feeling a bit cranky, and I'm a bit more likely to make un-wise decisions, and then my mind will start to wander and wander back into memories of P!! It's insane! It's almost like P is an old girlfriend that I used to be with who is insanely hot, and who I WANT to get back together with, even though she was really emotionally un-healthy and was really bad for me in the long run (actually I think I used that exact analogy in a post from a few months ago, but it's a very apt analogy!) I find the comparison to be very accurate for how my brain views and wants and craves P. It's like I'll remember P scenes that I really "fell in love with" (for lack of a better phrase), and actresses that I basically also, fell in love with, and my brain then remembers them, and wants to see them again. That is basically what is happening in my brain these days. I find that that is one of the hardest aspects of P to quit - that fact that our memories are so strong, and that we can basically still be stimulated by P scenes that we can remember at any time. It's like you gotta be in control of your thoughts to avoid this torturous trap (to be tormented by your thoughts).

I feel that I'm kind of experiencing a flatline these days - or a version of it. As I said in previous posts, I've been M-ing to help me get to sleep cuz I value my sleep greatly, but that has kind of kept me in the thrall of M and sex addiction to some degree, because even though I haven't been watching P, my mind still goes to similar places that I used to go to with P, and it still kind of feels like a drug that I'm needing and that then becomes a routine, and that I'm actually not totally enjoying - I'm just doing it in order to get to sleep. So I'm going to try and not M as much, to try and save some of that precious energy and put it towards other constructive things in my life.

I hope everyone is doing well!!

All the best!!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Folks!!

Still going strong at 131 days with no PMO!!

Like I said in my last post, I feel like I've entered a stage of flatline, or maybe the flatline is just coming and going as my brain continues to heal. I feel that I am on the path to recovery (which is awesome!), but sometimes I also don't feel totally "virile" (for lack of a better term). As in, my libido doesn't feel like it's returned 100% yet, but that?s cool, I'm patient - and also, I very pleased with the other positive benefits of not PMO-ing. So I'm not about to go back to P just cuz my libido hasn't returned yet completely. It will come in time I know

Like I said in a past post, I'm trying to phase out M-ing as a tool to get to sleep, cuz that was subtly turning into another form of dependency. I mean, I'll still use it sometimes, but I don't want to let it become another thing that I absolutely need. Plus, I find that daily M kind of saps my energy, you know?

Over all, I'm doing ok, and although I'm having urges and temptations, I'm not feeling completely powerless to combat them.

Hope you're all well!!

-Peace

 

[YaBoyZeph]

Hello, Peace!

I've looked over a few of your posts, and I'm very happy about what I've read. I'm glad you've been able to stay strong for over 100 days. That's amazing! I hope that I can reach that level before too terribly long.

On one hand, your triumphs give me hope. This is the umpteenth time I've tried rebooting, but only the first time I've put an actual name to it. In the past, all I knew was that I needed to get rid of it, and fast. So, the fact that you've been able to succeed, daily, for over 100 days, is amazing and inspiring to me.

On the other hand, it reminds me that there are great struggles yet to come. It is one thing to beat back an external enemy, but what do you do when that enemy comes from within?

That sounds mighty dramatic, but all that is to say I'm my own worst enemy  ;D

In any case, keep on, man!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Folks!

Its been 139 days since I PMO-ed!! Still staying strong, and thank you very much YaBoyZeph for commenting!! That's dope that you're reading my journal a bit! Honestly, I feel that if you're having trouble getting your reboot started in a big way, try to dig deep within yourself and find the part of you that?s just completely tired of the whole mess. That's what worked for me. Like I knew that I was tired and wanted to quit P once and for all, and that sense of being through with it WAS there, just kind of under the surface. And then when I saw Gabe Deem's video, it just sparked my own enthusiasm and hope to REALLY quit this time. To see that someone had done it, and it was final and long-lasting, and that he was so positive about it. So those two things were what worked for me : 1) Being really tired of the back and forth, and all of the problems that PMO have caused in my life, and 2) seeing that there was a way out that actually WORKED, and that Gabe was so positive and pro-active about it. Not sure if those things will work for you, but they definitely helped me.

And then also, filling your life with as many new helpful healing things as possible to strengthen that recovery (which I'm still working on, but I AM making headway on).

Much love to everybody!!

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

Honestly, I feel that if you're having trouble getting your reboot started in a big way, try to dig deep within yourself and find the part of you that?s just completely tired of the whole mess. That's what worked for me.

I can relate to that and call it the backdoor we leave open just a little bit if we're not totally convinced to quit. And even if it's shut, we still need to work hard to keep it shut. Overcoming porn addiction isn't a temporary fight that might be won forever at some point, but constantly evolving away from our old addictive behaviour.

 

[YaBoyZeph]

139 now?! Whoa, dude, amazing! Well done! I cannot wait to get to that level lol.

Any update on your libido? A few posts ago you said you felt as if you entered a period of flatline and you were feeling less "virile" (which is the perfect term for it, btw. It's ultramacho, but nothing makes me feel as manly as a supercharged libido).

If only there was a way to know when the flatlines would occur, that would make this all the easier. Then again, we don't, so I suppose it doesn't matter

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey All!!

It's been 145 days since I last PMO-ed. Over all I'm doing pretty well, dealing with life?s challenges and (fingers crossed) not falling back into the P trap.

Hey Achilles! Yep, I totally agree with you in that we are constantly evolving away from our old addictive behavior. I can honestly say, that right now I am definitely not immune to falling back into the porn trap if the "right" set of circumstances presented themselves to me (in reality the wrong ones, lol . Yeah, so what I said about "being sick of the whole mess" is completely true, and that is something that helped me start my reboot, and something  that is helping me keep it going - HOWEVER -  that addicted part of my brain is still there (if somewhat diminished), and would still eagerly go searching for P on the internet. So I need to continue to evolve away from P, and strengthen my new pathways

Hey YaBoyZeph! About my flatline - I'm not really sure if what I think might be my flatline is being caused by my reboot, and my brain recovering, or by the fact that I'm still M-ing on a fairly regular basis (mostly in order to get to sleep). I feel now that I need to move a bit into the territory of not M-ing as much as I have been. Maybe only once a week or once every 2 weeks. I'm guessing that if I do that, then I'll have a stronger libido. I find that right now when I'm trying to get to sleep, I'll go to M and I won't really feel like it at all - I'll have to sort of coax myself to get into it, then bring myself to O. So that's what I've been thinking was my fatline. It could be a bit of both.....who knows? I'm guessing that if I abstain from M-ing for a week or two weeks then I'll be much more into it when I DO go to do it. I will keep you posted though about that!!

Thank you both for commenting!! It means a lot to me



I just wanted to talk briefly about how the challenges we face in dealing with P addiction are similar to those that other addicts face with other substances (I know some of you know this already, but I just wanted to mention something in my own personal experience that I thought was relevant). So tonight I was tempted to have a drink of alcohol. I didn't really have a great reason to drink, I was alone, there was no great event happening, (like a party), so I didn't have a good reason to drink (however, I have a fair amount of alcohol in the house, so if I wanted to, I could easily have a drink).

Lately I've been trying to not drink just on a whim, because it's delicious and it'll make my night more interesting (this is all when I'm at home by myself usually). When I'm out with friends, or at a party, I allow myself to drink, but if there's no good reason to drink then I can see it subtly turning into a habit, and possibly an addiction. And also, I've read some stuff about how it negatively influence a good night's sleep, and we all know it makes you gain weight, plus, overall it's just not healthy for you to be drinking small (or large) amounts all the time. So I'm trying to have some control over it so it doesn't become like this daily habit that I just do all the time for a comforting thing to do you know?

Tonight when I was resisting it and trying to avoid drinking I found my brain acting very similarly to the way that it does when it wants me to watch P: all those little ways it tries to get you to do it, finding "good reasons" (excuses) to do it. And at one point I actually picked up a glass to pour myself a pint of beer, but then I thought to myself "NO! You know that you don't actually want to do this right now" (even thought a part of me did want to have a drink, another part of me (and what felt like the "deeper me") wanted to see if I could resist having a drink, and just go a night without having one).

So I thought that that was interesting: how in trying to overcome pretty much all addictions, we all face similar challenges with undoing our own dopamine wiring that finds that particular thing "good" or "comforting" - In my case P, and or alcohol. I feel that over time because of the way our brains wire to certain habits, it can be difficult to overcome any habit. Something as seemingly harmless as say, not exercising, can be very difficult to overcome because we're so used to our old patterns.

Nothing extremely new in these observations, I just thought it was interesting that I had to employ similar tactics and faced similar challenges in dealing with a completely different substances. The illusion being that it's a different addiction (although the substance IS different) when in fact the brain wiring is pretty much identical in trying to overcome it.


All the best to you all!!

Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey y'all!

It's been 148 days since I last PMO-ed.


I want to start doing hardmode more!

Like I've been saying, I was using M as a way to get to sleep, but I've been feeling like I haven't really been aroused while doing it (basically because I've been doing it so often), so I'm going to try and go a week without M, and see where that leaves me.

For the last few days I've been NOT been M-ing in order to get to sleep, and although it has taken a little bit longer, I HAVE been able to get to sleep without M-ing! Which is kind of a cool victory, cuz for a while I thought I absolutely needed to M to get to sleep, but I know the truth is, I don't.

Today I did M in order to get to sleep cuz I felt it was ok to let myself M after about 2 or 3 days of not doing it, and I definitely noticed a difference in my arousal! I found it was easier for me to become erect, and also I was more aroused in general while M-ing, and it was easier for me to climax, and more quickly. Also, in the few days that I wasn't M-ing, I found that in general, I was more alert and energized than when I was M-ing every day. 

So I want to try and M less and less, and focus on the other things in life (which is a big part of this whole journey). I think it will be difficult, because up until now, I've been letting myself M as much as I wanted to really, as long as it wasn't PMO, but now I'm going to try and move away from such frequent M as well

All the best!

Ttys!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Everybody!

It's been 154 days since I've PMO-ed!

Over all, my recovery is continuing. I'm kind of interested in being with a lady. I want to be with a lady! And not just in the sense of wanting to have sex. I want to be with someone who I have sex with, but also with someone where it means more than just sex. I want to be with someone who I share love emotions and sex with. It might be awhile until that happens, I don't know. I find that my predicament is that I FEEL a lot. As in, I have powerful emotions - perhaps all men do, but the majority of us suppress them?- I find that when I hook up with someone for just a "one night stand" I feel very empty, and lonely and sad inside, not "on top of the world", more like myself, more fulfilled. I feel most like that (in relation to relationships) when I have genuine romantic connection with a lady (and sometime that includes sex, and sometimes it doesn't). So I shy away from "one night stands", but I find sometimes that when you have sex with someone, it can strengthen relations, so it's almost like sometimes you have to stick your neck out to get something you want ( sort of the philosophy of "no pain no gain I guess").

So, we'll see where that goes So far there's no romantic relationship in my life, but if that changes, I'll let y'all know.

Otherwise, I'm abstaining from PMO, and trying my first real attempt at abstaining from MO-ing. I wouldn?t say I'm going into "hardmode", but I'm definitely wanting to reduce the amount that I MO, cuz like I said before, I almost found that it was causing me to be in a bit of a flatline, cuz I sort of feel that  by doing "semen retention" you keep your sexual energy inside and build it up, so that when you DO masturbate, or have sex with a real person, you're probably going to be much more into it, and be more turned on. If I'm just MO-ing all the time then I'm just depleting all of my sexual energy so that there isn't much of it left for the next time. (I don't totally know the science of this, but I've heard little snippets about this being true, and I also FEEL that it's true). So I'm trying to abstain from MO-ing much more. Hopefully I can get it to be once a week or something. That way I can still benefit from MO-ing in terms of the health of all my sexual organs being kept in use (in particular I'm thinking of my prostate), but I also want to benefit from more sexual energy (and just time and energy in general) being kept inside me, so that I can be more turned on when the real thing comes along, and also, I can turn those powerful energies towards other things in my life that I want to.

Hope you're all doing well

All the best!!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everybody!

I had a relapse last night it was a big one. I fell right back into the porn trap in a big way. I PMO-ed twice last night, basically binge watching for about 3.5 hours in total (I didn't finally go to bed till about 5:30 AM), and then I MO-ed once this morning, and then in the early afternoon I PMO-ed one more time.

It's weird; it's like once the "genie was out of the bottle", then I just let down my defenses and I just binged watched, you know? And then after doing it last night, in the morning I guess the chaser effect came along, and tempted me a second time.

Looking back on it last night, I can kind of see what happened in terms of triggers etc, and what led to it. I'll try to put it together for myself and for anybody reading: 1) I hadn't MO-ed in about a week, so I was probably a little starved for sexual stimulation from the get go. 2) Recently I was hanging out with a woman who I'm attracted to and who I would like to have a relationship with, so I was kind of wanting something, but not actually having any real sexual connection with a real person 3) Last night I went for drink with friends, so I was A) Intoxicated which let my defenses down, and B) I was around my friends who are a happy healthy couple, and I think that on a sub conscious level, that sort of just drove home the point more that I am NOT in a relationship right now, and that I'm kind of lonely, and starved for physical contact. 4) Lastly, it's Christmas time and I'm not around family right now, so that also drives home more loneliness and more wanting to be in physical contact with people, especially when I see other people who are around family and close friends. So looking back on it, all of those things kind of came together in a perfect storm that led me to edge for awhile last night, and then finally act out and binge watch P.

Some observations after my relapse, now that it's been awhile since I relapsed, I feel it's a little different than it used to be (only going 4-6 days without PMO-ing, and then relapsing again). Some of the things I noticed now that it's been awhile are: 1) I don't feel as desperate and depressed after this relapse as I used to. I DO feel that there is more hope and confidence now that I can pick myself up and keep going on the road of my recovery, because since April 27 2016 I've only PMO-ed about 5 times, and I've gone such long stretches without doing it, I feel that this (hopefully) will just be a minor bump on my long road to recovery. 2) I noticed that although I was turned on while PMO-ing, I wasn't totally into it. Like part of me knew that I'm deliberately growing away from this stuff, and that it isn't REAL. So that was cool. 3) I did feel totally drained today in my ability to do the things I want to do and be the person I want to be (compared to how I have been feeling), although I was also sleep deprived and a little hungover (which contributed to it too), I feel that binge watching P definitely depleted the dopamine in my brain. I'm going to try my best to get a good sleep tonight so that my body and brain can heal from this relapse and draining of all my "good stuff"

So there it is: I had a relapse! It kind of came out of left field, but at the same time, I'm not THAT surprised that it happened seeing the triggers that led up to it, and I'm also not THAT bummed out that it happened either, because I feel I have much more healing in my tool box now that will help me recover faster, and also (like I said), that this can be just a little bump on the road to recovery.

I would love to hear some encouraging words if anybody has them to help strengthen my resolve and to help me stay away from relapse in the next couple of days/weeks.

I'm doing ok, and I strongly hope and feel that I'll be able to use this relapse as a way to remind myself to stay away from P, but I guess nothing can be taken as a certainty when it comes to recovering from an addiction.

So today is "day 0" for me after 155 days of not PMO-ing. But that?s okay. I'm not gonna let that bum me out. And that's not what I'm focusing on. In my mind, my reboot started in earnest around April 27 2016, and I've been doing pretty damn good since then, so I'm just gonna keep healing away from porn

Love you all lots, and happy holidays!!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Fapstronauts!

It's been 1 day since I PMO-ed. Haha, I'm feeling a little down right now, but just to write that looks silly, and makes me chuckle a bit after writing 140, 145, 150 etc. Oh well. I'll try not to let it bother me

So I had a big 'ole relapse the other night, and it's kind of shitty. But like I said, I'm trying to just focus on the bigger picture of my entire reboot, and not just this little hiccup.

I know everybody already knows this already, but just what I've been experiencing the last couple days sucks man! I'm tired out, less happy in general, I feel disappointed in myself, I don't feel that sense of "get up and go". Those are basically the main ways that I'm suffering right now. It's crazy how much it can take it out of you, you know? One bit of "pleasure" that quickly and long-lastingly turns into pain. And this pain takes quite awhile to heal. I mean it's been 2 nights since I broke down and binged watched, and I wouldn't say I'm back to "better" yet. It's like I dropped a friggin' nuclear bomb on my life On that note, I'm not going out partying tonight for New Years, and instead, I'm going to reward myself with a beautiful, healing, deep sleep

Happy New Years to everyone! May it be a good one coming up for all

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

I would love to hear some encouraging words if anybody has them to help strengthen my resolve and to help me stay away from relapse in the next couple of days/weeks.

I'd have written already, but I was too busy relapsing myself. The most important thing is to put your safety belt back on, as the plane is going through turbulences you weren't used to anymore.

I made it 120 days and did not get triggered that easy anymore by randomly appearing non-nudes on social media for example. This will return for the next weeks and you should be very aware.

The good thing is you don't need much motivational words as you experienced the benefits of a porn free life and reducing the PMO sessions to 5 in 8 months is impressive! Remember where we all come from, read those desperate journals of new members who don't make it 3 days clean. It's a long, hard road out of the abyss and you've come extremely far yet.

We both started here in april last year and had time to learn and analyze our behavioral patterns. And we figured out after relapsing how there is simply no benefit to it. So I suggest we just don't look at porn in 2017 at all and be happy instead.

Happy 2017!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Dude!

Great to hear your words Thank you so much!! It helps me feel not so alone. That's such good advice, simply not to watch porn this year, lol sounds so simple, and hopefully I will be able to stick to it, but after my relapse I'm back in the turbulence, so you're totally right: put on my safety belt and wait for the turbulence to pass. And it's the worst kind of turbulence: the kind that makes it feel as if this if the way things ARE, when in fact that?s just the friggin' turbulence making me think that!

Yes, happy 2017 Achilles, and everybody, and here's to us not watching any porn in 2017!

Here's the post I had written before I saw your comment

---------------------

Hey all!

It's been 2 days since I last PMO-ed, and I'm just starting to feel like myself again. That's crazy: just how long it takes for my body and brain to recover after falling back into the porn trap and bingeing- hence depletion of my dopamine and other natural brain chemicals that promote a healthy/balanced perception of life.

In that 36-48 hour period there, I just felt like complete shit. I still feel a little bit down, a little bit ashamed of myself and a little disappointed, but now there's a light at the end of the tunnel Also, in that day and a half after my relapse, I just felt so down, but since I've been there before, I just kept telling myself "just get through today, get good sleep and you'll feel better", and I'm glad I followed my own advice! I'm now able to see the light at the end of tunnel

It's just so messed up how (given the right combination of triggers) I can so easily just flip the switch, say "fuck it" and binge watch for like 3 hours after not watching for like 4 months. I mean I know the brain science and everything, but I still find if messed up.

Anyway, I'm still chillin' in my non PMO mode, and healing what I also find messed up is how my penis actually physically HURTS after going through a binge. I mean, I also basically know why - I'm holding an intense erection on the verge of orgasm for like an hour to an hour and a half for the first time in many months, but still I find it crazy, and it still sucks. My urethra hurt for like a day afterwards , and I didn't really feel at all like masturbating or sex (if it had been available) since I relapsed (unless I had broke down again and started watching porn again, then my addicted brain would at least acquiesce to becoming horny to porn, while my poor true self sat in the background knowing that this is wrong and that I don?t actually want to be doing this, but can't stop the addicted part of my brain)

This is as tricky beast we're trying to conquer. But as we all know, it's one day at a time. One day at a time.

Love you all! Happy 2017!

-Peace

 

[Nope]

Hey Peace!

Sorry to hear about the relapse. Anyway your profile has been a great inspiration. You're no alone buddy. Be specially ready for these days, try to have really present the benefits of our struggle, read a bit each day.

See u around!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey All!!

I haven't relapsed since the big relapse on Dec 30th, so that's 21 days of non-PMO for me!

I haven't figured out/put the time in to figure out how to make a new spreadsheet (even though I know I could do it if I put in about half an hour!), but I know I've MO-ed about 4 times since that date.

Still doing good over all! Still hangin' in there!

Hope you're all doing well! Happy new year!

-Peace

 

[yodaranch]

Hey Peace of Mind,

was just reading your entries and found it really interesting and inspiring.
I like how rational and self reflected you are observing yourself. That comparison with alcohol and porn kinda striked me. Sometimes im pouring myself a glass without any real reason. Its good to be careful not to develop another unhealthy habit.

Im currently 21 days in and looking for some accountability partners. I think its going to be really helpful to team up and keep eachother motivated. Let me know when interested.

Keep it up bro and all the best

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Everybody!!

I haven't PMO-ed in 39 days! Woohoo! I'm super proud of that.

Sorry I haven't been so active on here. Just life and things came up, but I still want to part of the community! lol.


Hey Yodaranch! Thanks for the kind words

Yes, I find that the patterns that can create a porn addiction can be the same ones for an alcohol addiction (or any addiction for that matter). I also sometimes find myself pouring a drink for no reason (actually tonight was a night where I kind of wrestled with myself to have or not have a drink. So far I haven't had one yet, but it's so easy for the mind to convince you to have one (just like with porn)).

That sounds cool about accountability partners! Send me a private message! Hope to hear from you soon!

All the best everyone!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Folks

I just had another relapse last night after going since Dec 29th without PMO-ing. I'm no gonna write a super long post this time cuz I gotta go to work soon, but I just want to write it out here and express it to some people (You all) to know that it has been witnessed by some real people (just cuz it's not really something I necessarily want to share with roommates or workmates like the day after a relapse you know?)

I didn't watch for super long, like binge watch. I just watched for about 20 minutes and then I O'd and then it was done. I kind of felt the urge to do it right after wards again, but the "smarter" part of my brain knew that I should just go to bed and start repairing again (which I'm super glad I did).

I'm feeling a bit low today, mostly because I know I slipped up and I let myself down (not so much from strict dopamine depletion etc, mostly just from knowing I let myself down). So I?m not feeling SUPER low. And I'm glad I only PMO-ed for 20 mintues. And I'm also really glad that I haven't done it in a month and a half.

I just have to be more vigilant to watch my own triggers. It's just really difficult some times when you're edging really bad, you know? Just really difficult to turn that wanting and craving off. Anyway. It's a work in progress right?

All the best to all of you. Thank you for reading and witnessing my pain.



-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

All the best to all of you. Thank you for reading and witnessing my pain.



-Peace

Read it. Witnessed it. 

Nothing much to add as you already learned how to handle your relapses well without falling back into the abyss. Just remember that this only works due to the long streaks you already achieved. You are unlearning your addiction step by step and now need to put effort in the next days to avoid the chaser effect and start a new streak.

All the best for you!

 

[gentleman86]

I DO feel that there is more hope and confidence now that I can pick myself up and keep going on the road of my recovery, because since April 27 2016 I've only PMO-ed about 5 times, and I've gone such long stretches without doing it, I feel that this (hopefully) will just be a minor bump on my long road to recovery.!!

That's the mindset you should pick. Forget the "mini" streaks - go and buy yourself a calendar.
IF (we strive for never ever  ) you relapse, mark the day with a big red X.

The advantage?

You see the whole yourney.

For example:
1 red x in 2 months is impressing!
3 months without an x?
Even better.

Numbers ("streaks of xyz days without porn") won't matter anylonger.
The "picture" does.
Look at your calendar.
That's all you need.

Keep going, day by day.
And in the end? Freedom. 

I wish you all the best.