Finally moving towards recovery!

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everyone!

It's been awhile since I last posted, and I apologize for not being more on top of keeping my account active. However I have some good excuses! Lol. I want to say right off the bat though that I have NOT relapsed since the last time I wrote that I relapsed like a little more than a month ago, so that's fuckin' awesome, and I'm super proud of that! I've certainly been tempted on more than one occasion (probably about 5 times since I last relapsed, right before I went to bed I was pretty close to just saying 'fuck it' and giving in to watching P. Anyway I didn't give in, and I'm super proud of myself for that.

So, now to the excuses! Haha.

Well a big change that happened in my life recently was that I moved into a new apartment at the beginning of October! I had been living with roommates for the last year and a half up until I moved out and now I'm living all by myself!! I can't believe it! It's a beautiful thing! I absolutely love living by myself! It's great! I can set the pace at which I do things, I can play music late,  I can masturbate and make noise when I do it without fear that anyone will hear me! Lol, or I can just talk to myself out loud completely honestly without limitation, thinking that people will think I'm weird. So, yeah, I'm pretty psyched to have my own place!

So that's basically my one big excuse for not writing: moving in kept me busy for the first few weeks, and plus I was sick while moving, so that made it difficult to do anything except move and make sure I was resting up to be able to make it to work and give a good effort at work. And then the last month has been just busy with continuing to work and also move in fully to my new place.

So?? overall I've been good! I've been MO-Ing fairly regularly, maybe 2-4 times a week. And I've been getting fairly consistent erections! I've also been waking up in the morning with morning wood probably about 4 times in the last month. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a pretty big erection and just kind of humped the bed a little bit cuz it felt good! lol. I've actually never had a wet dream, ever! I feel that that's possibly because I started MO-ing and PMO-ing at such an early age, and that my body/mind were so accustomed to P that it wasn't sensitive enough to need to have a wet dream. But I'm thinking that maybe as I reboot my brain, and as I get more and more morning woods / wake up in the night with a boner, that maybe some day I might have a wet dream. Fingers crossed!

Another big piece of news is that I actually HAD SEX about a month ago!! It had been like a year since the last time I did, so that's friggin amazing! It was after a party. I started making out with this girl at a party, and then we went back to her place, and made out more, and I went down on her, and then we had intercourse. I have to say: I definitely had some trouble getting it up, but I feel that that's not only from PIED. I was also drunk, and I had to concentrate on putting on a condom, which often makes it difficult for me to keep an erection, because I have to focus on this task, and also I feel like the other person is waiting and expecting you to get it right. Lol. Anyway slight performance anxiety, as well as being drunk, which I find sometimes definitely makes it more difficult to get it up. However, having said that, I was able to get it up enough to be able to have intercourse. It was really nice! Even if we didn't have intercourse for a long time, and even if I didn't have the hardest erection, it was really nice just to be making out and being intimate with a naked woman! It had been awhile, but I hope it won't be awhile until the next time. But I kind of don't have the greatest 'game' with women all the time. Like I feel that if all you want to do is have sex, then they can pick up on that, and it probably makes it less likely that you will have sex! It's almost like you have to just focus on other things, and not really care if you get to have sex or not, and then it's probably more likely that you will have sex! Lol. A funny little paradox

Anyway, that's what's been happening in my world. I'm still on the no PMO track!

Oh, and in answer to your question, Jack Can, that's a good question about why I don't just completely quit alcohol outright. I dunno, that would probably be a good thing to try at some point, but I have to say, I do enjoy it - I love the taste, I like the effect it has on me, and for the most part, I don't do things that I regret while under its influence, that just happens on occasion. I dunno, that might change in the future (like it might become more of a problem), but for now I enjoy it, so I'm going to focus all of my "getting rid of an addiction power" on staying away from and keeping P out of my life

Hope you're all well!

-Peace

 

[Jack Can]

Dude! that sounds freakin awesome! And I can't wait to live by myself, I can't stand being judged by my roommates so it's gonna be sick when I'm in your position.

Also, you're not missing out on anything by having not had a wet dream. I woke up at like 4 in the morning literally O'ing last night. And since I hadn't had an orgasm in about a month a lot of semen was coming out. Plus I was at my mom's house when it happened and she does all the laundry, so I had to hide my sperm filled underwear in my closet and hope she doesn't find it until next time I come back to visit...

Yeah... there were probably better ways to handle that situation, but oh well. Anyways, congratulations on the sex with a condom!

 

[Nope]

Hey Peace!

Congratulations on your new achievements!

I can completely relate to what you say about having your own place. I live with a couple of close friends now, so it doesn't bother me as much sharing the house. Nevertheless they spend a lot of time out, and some times it feels really good to be just by myself, almost like a luxury.

Keep on the good path and pass by whenerver you feel like!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hello fapstronauts!

It's been approximately a million years since I've last posted, but I thought I'd check in and let you all know how I'm doing!

Well, I haven't been entirely clean since I've last posted, but I'm hanging in there and continuing on the journey to someday be P free!

Right now I'm living without Internet, and all I have is cellular data, so I've definitely been watching less videos, and instead, I find myself definitely looking at more images (like just pictures). It's funny- I thought that not having internet would make it harder for me to go on massive binges (because otherwise I'd have to pay a bunch of money for more data), which is true- I haven't had any like multi-hour binges, but at the same time I come back to this old realization that ultimately the desire to quit has to come from inside myself, and I can't totally rely on any mechanism or technology to stop me from PMO-ing. Because the fact is, I'm still able to access images, and once I'm totally in the thrall of P, I can switch to videos even though I know it's going to cost me a bunch of money.

So now it's been about 4 days since I last looked at anything P related, and I'm feeling better again. Honestly, I'm coming to realize my triggers. And oddly enough, one of my big triggers is when I have to clean up the house! Lol. For some bloody reason, cleaning up my place is not really in my DNA, and so when it comes time to do a massive clean of the place, I'll sometimes have a drink to bribe myself to do it, and then often I'll watch P because I'm drunk and I have less inhibitions. Also other triggers are like when I get rejected by a lady, or even by a platonic male friend (both of which have kind of happened in some way shape or form in the last little while).

Anyway, I've been off of P since Sunday evening, and once again I've re-remembered the lesson I've already learned a million times - that P is addictive, destructive, and that even though there is a part of my brain that wants it, the part of my brain that I feel is more "me" most of the time, knows that I have to live a P free life to move forward and be my happiest/best self.

And even though it was a million years ago, thank you Nope, and Jackcan for commenting on my post! Means a lot to me

Hope you're all well friends!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everyone!

It's been awhile since I posted but I'm still hanging in there. In that I mean that I'm still struggling and haven't totally gotten this addiction beat (maybe I never will). Last week I had a few relapses mostly with P pictures and a couple of P videos. Now I'm coming out of it and hoping that I'll be able to stay away from it for the next few days.

Whenever I write these posts I feel like such a hypocrite, and as if I have exactly zero credibility. Like anything I say can't be taken seriously. But I do know that after a string of days of PMO-ing I feel horrible, and really antisocial, and not like myself at all, and kind of like I've lost my enthusiasm for life (which as you all know feels horrible, and can hopefully be a good motivator for continuing to move toward recovery). So at least I know in this moment that I must stay away from the stuff because it's not good for me.

For me it's often some little thing that sets me off, back down the road of PMO-ing. And I guess it's good to just recognize that, so that maybe in the future I'll be able to resist a little bit more and stop this thing from snowballing into a full blown multi day relapse :/ This time what set me off was just simply seeing a girl that I have a crush on, and that I felt she wasn't as in to me as I was into her. Haha, it sounds silly to type out like that, but that was basically it. That combined with being tired I think, and also a couple other of life's small disappointments that happen ALL THE TIME. But sometimes they just hook me in the wrong way, and I'll slowly but surely start back down the path towards PMO :/

I just figured I should login and write a little post to help strengthen my recovery

I hope everyone's doing well on their path, and keeping strong!

That's all for now!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey folks, today is literally day 2 of not watching P. It's so weird how this addiction creeps up on you and tricks you. Like I'll be going good for awhile and then all of a sudden BOOM, I'm back in it over just a small thing. Anyway, I didn't use yesterday, and hopefully I won't use today. It's a beautiful day today, I'm not working so I'm just going to enjoy the day. Honestly I feel that one of the things that sets me off (other than feeling a slight rejection from a crush), is feeling like I have too much on my plate. I just get stressed and then PMO. Instead of just doing the things I need to do one at a time, I feel overloaded and I just don't deal with it. Yesterday I was thinking that one of the things I really need to do is take away some of the stuff that is stressing me out, and like stop adding things to my plate. Often times I'll just add things without thinking about it, thinking that this thing will make me happier, but often times it just adds to all the other things that I already have, and leaves me with no free time. So that's what I want to start doing: really doing things I want, and dropping things I don't feel passionate about.

Have a great day everyone!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hello everybody!

It's been a long time since I posted, and I apologize for that. The good news is that I'm actually doing alright (fingers crossed). I haven't PMO-ed since June 18th, and I have a girlfriend, and we've been having sex together since mid August!! It's really nice - I've been having real sex again and not PMO-ing.

It's funny- if I hadn't stumbled upon Gabe Deems videos and reboot nation, I probably would still be in that same cycle of PMO-ing and sometimes having real sex, but slowly and gradually moving more and more away from real sex, and more and more towards PMO, and an unhealthy lifestyle. But since learning about Gabes story and then educating myself more and more, I've come to realize how unhealthy PMO is, and how it can come to dominate my life, and distract me from doing things in the real world, and enjoying my life.

So yeah, I guess now, even though on some days I don't feel like it, I'm always thinking about how if I'm not careful I could just slide back into it pretty easily. And I've also added into my personal philosophy the notion that just living in the real world is so so so important. Like these days when I'm having a bad day, or something shitty happens (and let's face it, those kind of things happen on a fairly regular basis - that's just life), I just try to remind myself, tell myself, and remember that "at least you're not watching porn!! No matter how bad it gets, or how bad you're doing, you can at least reflect on and be proud of the fact that you're not PMO-ing, and that you haven't looked at porn for 4 months!!!"

And I know I am going to slip up again, someday. I accept that. But more and more, little by little, I'm moving away from it, and I'm trying to build a life where more and more, I'm constructing support systems where turning to PMO becomes less and less likely.

It's not fuckin' easy! This is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's taken me two and a half years, since I first came upon Gabe's videos and reboot nation, to internalize these lessons and values, and truly to my best to actually live by them.

And like I said, this stuff is cunning, and sly, and will in some way shape or form just always be there in my life, but I want to do my best to build and keep building these support systems to keep me away from porn, keep me in the real world, and keep me growing into the man I was born to be




Now, to the technical details:

I've been able to get and keep erections on a regular basis, although the erections aren't always super hard (although sometimes they are super hard!!) - sometimes after I get hard, my penis will sort of lose it's absolute hardness and go I little bit softer, and maybe only once or twice have I lost my erection completely during sex. I've been able to keep erections during sex!! Woohoo!!

I've also continued to masturbate since June 18th when I last PMO-ed. During sex I've been able to keep erections, but I do notice that my brain is also sometimes still a little bored or distracted. I feel that this is due to my brain still rewiring, and also because I'm still masturbating in between  having real sex, so maybe my sex drive is not as strong as it would be if I was abstaining from masturbation, and only having real intercourse. I could try to not masturbate at all and just have real sex, and maybe I'll try that at some point, but I still enjoy masturbation as like a little treat to myself. But I am aware of the risks. And I realize that if I wasn't to be having real sex, and was idle for a long period of time, I could fall into lots of masturbation.

I feel that as more and more time passes and if I continue to have real sex, my brains will slowly but surely rewire to being super attracted to real women, but I think it'll just take time and work. I AM definitely interested and engaged during real sex when I'm having sex these days, but sometimes my brain is a little bit bored. And I attribute that to many many years of exposure to porn. It'll just take time to heal and fix.


Alright, that's all for now friends! I just wanted to check in, write a post and let you all know how I'm doing

I hope my story gives hope and inspiration to people reading! And I just wanted to continue to give back and contribute to the community, because this website/forum has helped me so much

Much love to you all!!

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

Very happy to read you are doing well, Peace! 

I try to adapt your calm and patient mindset, it's really inspiring. Just keep it that way and you will succeed!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while since I posted! I just wanted to drop in and say hi and that I'm still here I'll post more soon!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hello Fellow Fapstronauts!

Again I must say it's been a long time since I posted (my apologies). It's just a combination of my laziness and life taking it's course, and also that I'm doing relatively OK with my recovery (although not perfect).

I'm able to go about a month now without PMO. I know it's not perfect but I'm pretty proud of it! Even though I definitely slip up every now and again. More and more I'm coming to see PMO as a symptom of negative things in my life (that I need to correct) as opposed to the main issue. For example I know that I suffer from loneliness, and also if I haven't slept well, or I'm not getting enough exercise, all these things lead to PMO! But in particular, the loneliness is definitely something that eats away at my good mental health! So because of this I really want to try to interact with friends and family more, and perhaps moving to a shared living situation with roommates that I truly get along with!

And other than that, just the stresses of normal living can get me down some times. You know - like when you have to do something that's difficult and it causes you stress! This is another realization that I've had: that when I'm stressed out I'm way more likely to PMO! So I'm trying my best to find natural healthy ways to mitigate stress, such as exercising, better diet, more socializing, just having fun, laughing and/or crying when I need to!

I've definitely said this in a past post, but one thing that I really wish wasn't there (in my mind and in the world) is all the negative views and mentalities towards women that porn has put into my head over many many many years of watching it! For example: the other night I was edging and I just really wanted to see some naked women! But then when you go deeper and deeper down the porn trap and you watch a bunch of videos, the way that the men treat the women in the videos is often with very bad values: degrading them (or often basically sexually assaulting them) etc., and whether I like it or not those values go into my mind when I watch it, and then they're there in some way shape or form when I interact with real women in the real world! When the truth is what I really want is to be with a real person to relate to and have real sexual relations that are mutually beneficial and rewarding! But the reality is I'm alone and I'm lonely and so I turn to porn. I see these things in my mind, and I wish they weren't there, and these days one of my biggest challenges is to work with these mentalities that aren't totally me, but are definitely there whether I like them or not. I feel that when I'm with an actual flesh and blood woman and both people consent to it, it's alright to talk dirty or do kind of risqu? things, but in a porn video it's totally cut off from any context of a consensual relationship so you don't know if that person really is consenting to what's being done to them while you're watching it, and so it helps to perpetuate really sexist, demeaning mentalities in our minds! This is one of the biggest negative side effects (in my mind) of watching porn.

OK, I don't want this post to be too long, so that you get bored of it! I just wanted to sign in and let you know I'm still here and let you know that I'm still struggling with it! Although usually not struggling on a day-to-day basis thankfully! The way that I view it has really changed and that helps. So basically I just tell myself I'm in recovery, and I don't really care if I slip up every now and again as long as it doesn't turn into a full-blown relapse of day after day after day after day. As long as the majority of my time is spent not PMO-ing then I'm happy! I know I'm going to slip up sometimes! But my hope is that someday I'll be able to be with a partner who can support me and who I can talk to about these issues and in that way find a bit more lasting abstinence from watching pornography. I hope that some of you can relate to what I'm saying! All the best to everyone and much support and much love! I'm sorry I don't post more often

All the best!

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

Good to hear from you!

If you can go one month, you can also leave this behind completely. The view on women is a strong point against porn and if you don't want to be influenced by those acts seen in the movies, you should leave those memories behind. I know you can do it! 

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Thanks Achilles! That's extremely helpful I'm beginning to develop the belief that I can indeed leave porn behind me forever! Although there's a little doubt in the back of my mind that says "be very careful!" - my confidence is building more and more that I can go without it forever.

So I'm just going one day at a time. Not stressing too much and just not thinking about it too much either. I find that's part of the key to my recovery - just not focusing on it too much (I mean keeping in the back of my mind that it's bad for me and that I can't fap for any reason whatsoever -  in case the urge does come up). Because if I focus on it in either way, (either actually watching it or just really striving not to) either way I'm thinking about it a lot and that just increases my thoughts about it. So now that I'm at a point where I know I can stay away from it (if I take certain steps) I just try to focus on other things in my life! I know it's easier said than done sometimes but right now I'm at least able to do that

I'm just continuing to plug away at it, and continuing to maintain my good mental health. Which includes for me, getting a good sleep, trying to exercise often, and socializing often also! Another fine point which some people don't talk about with mental health all the time is that I think it's really important to listen to your heart and follow your true wants and desires on the inside, kind of like "follow your own inner compass" or something you know? Because I feel that if we don't actually listen to her own inner voices in terms of what we want to do in life then we're going to continuously do all the "right steps" but never be fully who we want to be! Does that make any sense? It's like we're doing all the right stuff on the periphery but neglecting the core of.

So anyway, all that to say that I think a big part of maintaining my good mental health in the long term is to follow my heart (as well as doing all the other things like exercising, getting adequate sleep and socializing). Otherwise all those other forms of maintenance will turn out to be  flimsy and meaningless (without a deep love for myself, and that trust in following my own heart to anchor all those other tools).

Well that's all for now! Nothing major to report I just wanted to check in with y'all!  I just wanted to let you that I'm doing OK. The last time I PMO'ed was probably a month ago - maybe two? Part of not focusing on it is that I don't keep track of the last time I PMO'ed. I find it causes me too much stress to have this date hanging over my head. I just tell myself that I'm in recovery and if I mess up then I don't beat myself up too much about it. Because that causes me more stress, which causes me to go back to PMO! It's that stupid vicious cycle! So anyway I just don't focus on it too much and try my darndest to stay away from the damn stuff.

Have a great day everybody! And stay on the right path! It is totally possible to stay away from porn!! I can't believe I just said that! Four years ago I definitely had my doubts! But now I know for a fact that quitting porn is the one of the best things that's ever happened in my life!

Stay strong and much love to you all

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hello everyone! I saw that it?s been a year and a half since I last posted and I apologize for that! I guess I just got lazy or something like that or thought I had it totally taken care of it or whatever (all that same old stuff)! I guess I just sort of got discouraged and disheartened about my own recovery, and so stopped posting -  (you know how that all goes!)Anyway I?m not gonna write a long post here because I?m gonna  try to go to bed soon but I just wanted to post this to say that I?m back and I want to post more often because (surprise surprise) I still have an issue with porn addiction (as we all do) and I?m trying to reestablish my ?safety nets?. Anyway best of luck to everybody and I will write again more soon happy spring to all you folks in the northern hemisphere! Lots of love!!

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

He y peace, glad to see you around again! I hope you are doing well and come back here more frequently to get rid of this once and for all!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Achilles! Thanks so much for the support! I just wrote my long ass reply on your story before I saw your reply to me! Thanks very much! I will write more soon!

-Peace