Realizing I'm in hell

[Tom_Michaels]

Howdy G,

Thank-you for your raw honesty in your posts.

I sure does help to write this stuff down.

Please stay strong, you are doing well.

TM

 

[gummianka]

Hi Tom!

Yeah, this is my "getting it off my chest" space.

Five days left now for my June promise, so no, no way I will fail this close to the goal. Not really sure what I will do in July yet, but that is another question that I will not trouble myself with yet.

I must say though, that as I get more days into this streak, the urges tend to last shorter and shorter. In the beginning I could be tormented by lust for hours, or an entire day, no matter what I did. Now it goes away pretty quickly. Last night and this morning was probably the worst in a long time, and still more linked to generally feeling bad rather then "about to PMO".

 

[fyg]

Hi Gum,

Sounds like you rode that urge out like a Champ, dude. Keep going bro. Your posts seem uber motivational. Posts forged from 'the fires of experience' really pass on some good stuff to the rest of us. Thank you man.

Peace

 

[gummianka]

30 days? Unreal to see that number now.

Read another poster today that described an encounter with a young woman and the feeling that provoked. I can relate to that so much. That is very much at the root of my addiction and my reason for  using it. A comfort for not getting the sexual love that I always wanted. Or perhaps I should say the KIND OF sexual love I always wanted.

It is funny, but as I have been seeing a minute hope, just a small possibility of hooking up with a woman in the past years, I have pretty much started quitting porn, as it would be strange to keep porn and her (whoever she was) at the same time. And this has been before knowing about any of the effects of porn.

Perhaps the root of all of this is that I must come to the acceptance that I will never get what I want, and it is up to me to live through this life anyway. And from that position of acceptance, decide what I want or don't want in my life.

 

[Boo]

Congrats on 30 days. Whatever you're doing, it has gotten you through this streak. Hopefully the DeltaFosB is working it's way out of your system and the days ahead will get somewhat easier. The exact point at which they get easier seems to vary from person to person.

 

[gummianka]

I have no idea if it is DeltaFosB or Demonic Possession

but it seems like there are times when the urges come back with a vengance, and then it gets a bit easier. Then they make a new attempt, and if I can stay on course, it gets a little bit easier still.

day 3 was hard.

At about 10 -14 days was hard.

day 20 was hard

now is another really rough spot.

However, day 21 was easier then day 15, and 15 was easier then day 4.I had to leave work so home now and will remove myself from the PC and get some sleep as i don't trust myself now. That lizard brain of mine reaaaally want to PMO right now.

Last thoughts before shutting down.

Urges seem to be easier mentally but harder physically. My brain isnt screaming any more, but I am in physical pain now, and feeling dizzy or sick when the urges come. Also, I feel more horny rather then porn-addicted. I am not focusing on pixels but on releif now when i get the urge.

It has worked really well for me with a gradual increase in severity. I have seen, and followed, advice to be super strict from day one, and that always made me relapse. I have also seen, often from the same people, a downplay of the relapse and that "if you edge you might as well PMO" As long as I followed that, I never made any progress. I am here now, at day 30, because I did not give in back at day 3. Sure, I edged a lot, sure, i kept switching that filter back on and off all day, jumping in showers, starting to M but then stopping etc, BUT I DID NOT M. Those hard fought victories serve me so well now, and without them i would still be doing "perfect" streaks, five days at a go, before a relapse and a "what the hell-binge".

off to bed now, and again, if anyone has any thoughts on this, from a few posts up, please share!

"However, I keep bumping into channels that deal with meditation/mindfulness that is aiming at enhancing sex. Has anyone been looking into this? At first i stayed away from it (usually littered with erotic images) but now I am getting curious as i will no longer drop my pants from the graphic materials.

It sounds logical to use this as a solitary rewire technique, but curious if anyone has any experience from this."

 

[olafthewise]

Re-read my post. The solution is there where I wrote it.

Perhaps you really don't want to quit? But, no less. Abstaining for a short time is good. try longer times of abstinence from porn.

 

[gummianka]

Yeah, I read it, but do that address the question about those meditation techniques?

 

[gummianka]

OK, one month down, and to keep things a bit interesting, I am adding a July challange to crack down on all peaking as well. So another month of no PMO and an added tracker to record all eye candy.

Although there is no tracker for it, I will ease up on my posting here as well, trying to take a step away from all porn related stuff. And yes, this forum is, in a strange way, linked to it for me, as I want to experience the summer a bit more without too much worrying about all this. Completing June without PMO was my first targetand now that I have done that, and of course changed a bit on the way, I think it is time for a somewhat different approach.

Update so far.

1. I don't really see any major changes or effects now. Non of the effects people talk about in all these Youtube videos about NoFap have shown themselves to me. However, this could also be because I have pretty much been fighting this thing all the time and not taken the time to breath an experience myself.

2. Perhaps a bit more horny when it comes to real women.

3. Using the Nofap as a starting point, I think I have started to find out a bit more about myself, in regards to the onset of ED. I am not sure if it was PIED, I am not sure if I would fail if I were to have sex tonight, I am not sure to what degree porn had a part in all of this. I do, however, have enough indications so I will continue the NoFap as described above.

 

[olafthewise]

Meditation???!! are you Hindu? If so, do what you do, but my solution has to do with the problem of PMO. If the porn goes, what happens? Fuel for your fire needs reduction. Replace that porn with something constructive. I can make suggestions but YOU make the choice.

Here is the truth; do you want to quit porn? plain and simple. And why? why quit porn? we all like it. It stimulates us, excites us, but over time we realize, somethings wrong and we need to quit. Admit your weaknesses and move on. If you are young, it may be more difficult because young men's parts are new and vibrant and wanting to reproduce...the young wife should help with that.

however, if you are past 50 like me, porn needs a break. The longer the break the better. If all you can handle is a few weeks of porn starvation at a time, then do it. Go for longer periods of porn fasting. Make this your life work for awhile until you master it and discover you can get rid of it altogether.
Removal of things that fire up your libido like non porn pics, muscle mags with pics of girls in it, TV or movies with sexuality, etc will help reduce the desires for porn AND don't forget, masturbation of any kind, needs a break. read the articles on this site on masturbation and porn use, they will educate you.
On meditation; I doubt meditation has any real good numbers on success when it comes to porn use. Stick to real solutions and leave meditation to its own purpose as PART of the overall plan.

 

[gummianka]

HAHAHAHA, at the Hindu thing. well, who knows, maybe i will convert

Nothing new really, things are going on as normal. I am still strict as I promised for my July challange. It is quite easy still, and that is much thanks to all the edging and peaking early on in my reboot. Winning those battles of almost PMO tought me a lot and now I can simply win my battles early on.

Perhaps that flatline everyone is talking about is coming, since I have had almost no MW in the past days and generally feeling quite off down there. Been taking afew very relaxing days now and being "bad" in most sense apart from porn and masturbation. This next week I will start a bit more intensive training regime and also looking at some other mental exercises.

 

[gummianka]

Another note

The counters are now starting to have meaning for me. I get quite happy and get a good buzz when I see the days stacking up. It used to be meaningless to me, I used to want to find a way the cheat on them, and then it was a way to remind me of the pain I would feel if I relapsed. Now, the numbers actually create joy. I am not scared of relapsing, and to be honest, I don't think a relapse would be such a big thing, but I genuinly ENJOY the counters. Both the ones I have here and the private ones I have that track my progress in more detail that go back from when i first heard about this thing called PIED a couple of months back.

 

[gummianka]

last post for the day.

I do not want to quit porn. I like it. It is still an important part of me and I know I need to quit, I know it is damaging, but I still like it.

However, until quite recently, I only KNEW it was bad stuff, now I FEEL it is bad. It is getting obvious that there is no satisfaction to find there, no matter how much I PMO, no matter how many pages I hit. Realizing that is DOES NOT WORK, EMOTIONALLY UNDERSTANDING that is does not work is a quite new thing, that I think only comes after a period of NoFap.

 

[Leon]

Hi, gummi.

It's a matter of making clean distinctions between fantasy (pixelization) and real life. Porn and masturbation don't cut it, could never cut it- no matter the justification. Nothing compares to real life sex, especially when there's emotional intimacy involved.

What's confusing is that it's only natural that we find a woman, the opposite sex, so darn attractive. We value beauty and symmetry, it's in our DNA make up.

When we see this in our mind's eye, or on computer screen (or magazine for you old school folks), it's only natural to appreciate that beauty physiologically and psychologically. But, because there's no real connection there, particularly with another human being, we're only tricking our brains to kind of 'mate' with what's unreal. This hard-wires our brains toward that unreality, and we hurt ourselves (and our penises) because now we're thinking that's where true intimacy is. And because we've flooded our brain with dopamine (our natural pleasure chemical), we've damaged our dopamine receptors to where the natural pleasures of life are denied us. This in turn burns bridges between us and real life intimacy, be it sexual and/or emotional connection. Even if we end up with a woman (real life version), we'd get all limp-bizkit, and fail to perform. The opportunity to connect would be lost.

So, make these distinctions to see 'why' porn is enjoyable, and again, why it fails to payout any real dividends.

 

[gummianka]

Thanks for the reply leon.

yeah, I know all of that, and I have known all of that since a few months back when I started this. I think your post is correct. What I was aiming at at my post, however, is the difference between knowing something and actually understanding it on a deeper level. Experiencing it.

For me it took some time of rebooting before I could really expereince this knowledge fully. Up until now I have relied on faith to do what I am doing, now I can actually see the effects. And this old knowledge, but new realization makes the reboot easier.

 

[gummianka]

I am going on a bit like a broken record about this thing.

I think I have had a major breakthrough in the past days. It just feels different, and SO MUCH of the struggle to avoid porn is gone. Emotion has caught up with my intellect. I have faked it enough so I am starting to make it.

A few days into June I knew I COULD manage a month without PMO, although it would be very hard.
A few days into July I don't understand why I would want to look at P.

This is a major change in my mindset. However, experience has taught me that my lizard brain will try to make me relapse again, so I suppose there will be a set back in my mood sometime in the future, but even so, this development is both very surprising and sweet

 

[gummianka]

1. Learned that an urge last about 3 minutes as a maximum. If you can stave it off that long, you should be good for a few hours. Not sure about the truth in that, some Ted talk stuff...

2. I wonder if it is healthy to not M. I am sceprical about M since I know that whatever I do, any sexual stuff will still be marinaded in porn for me, but I still really feel lika release. Not really sure what to do here.

3. otherwise really, really without energy. Forced myself to meditate today, not been at the gym for about a week ( so that is about 5 days too long ago) and generally not having the energy to do anything. Actually a lot worse now then during a real binge period

 

[gummianka]

Getting real tired of these urges. Came again now.

But looking at it with a critical eye, they are a bit different. Before they were aiming at looking at porn. Now it is more aimed at just masturbating and O. Also, they used to be more voyeristic in nature, now they are about me having sex. And finally, the urges/fantazies are now not att all about porn or porn scenes, but just with hot women, mostly Playmates.

 

[Leon]

Hey gummi.

The urges may come and go, especially in the initial stages of your reboot or recovery. They will be less and less as you progress, as your neural pathways are less used they will weaken- as you continually say- No- and ride out the urges.

The different forms the urges come in will change, as the 'beast-brain' tries different tactics to get you to act on them. See what this is, and just let it pass mindfully.

In my opinion, masturbation- no matter to what form the fantasy takes- is still the same dopamine addiction that the brain is after. Today it could be to playmates, tomorrow to pornstars. Or, fantasies and masturbating to them is the equivalent, that is, they use the same neural pathways as PMO. Also, M'ing is the same kind of life-sucking void we wish to avoid as we seek to be more human, ready for true intimacy with another.

Peace.

 

[gummianka]

Thanks for the post Leon.

I don't know where this is going, and if I will stay on this path more then this month (planning too far ahead always lead to a relapse for me. "I will never again" is not beneficial for me) but I have given my word to myself to be clean of M and PMO and P this month, and that I will stick to.

Interesting though have urges and thoughts change. It really is as if there are several people inside my head, and they try their different strategies one by one. Or, perhaps, this is proof that other memories and habits start to fade. I hope this is the first sign of real change.

I know that whining about fate does nothing good, and since I have no faith, prayer has no effect, but I really hope to get some good news soon, some kind of break that can be a positive reward. 2016 have, in oh so many ways, sucked so far.