Realizing I'm in hell
- Thread starter gummianka
- Start date
gummianka
Active Member
Yeah. The hardcore approach to all of this is truly a kiss of death to me. One day at the time, one promise at the time, one goal at the time, that is the way that seem to work for me.
hell, I am still in a state of exploring this rather then fully comitting to a way of life.
But apparently it is working quite well
hell, I am still in a state of exploring this rather then fully comitting to a way of life.
But apparently it is working quite well
gummianka
Active Member
Another thought I want to keep for the future.
I really have no drive at all now. All I want to do is to sleep way the time. It is a stuggle to get to work. I no longer see any point in anything. Although I am not fighting crazy urges as I did in the beginning, it is af is all, ALL, my energy is going to simply staying on this path. being around people is painful.
Not sure if I should accept this as yet another phase and go with the flow, allowing this time to simply do nothing, or if I should fight this and start to force me to do things, go to the gym etc.
I honestly see no point in anything at all, other then staying commited to the counters down in my posts.
I really have no drive at all now. All I want to do is to sleep way the time. It is a stuggle to get to work. I no longer see any point in anything. Although I am not fighting crazy urges as I did in the beginning, it is af is all, ALL, my energy is going to simply staying on this path. being around people is painful.
Not sure if I should accept this as yet another phase and go with the flow, allowing this time to simply do nothing, or if I should fight this and start to force me to do things, go to the gym etc.
I honestly see no point in anything at all, other then staying commited to the counters down in my posts.
L
Leon
Guest
gummianka said:...and now I am feeling murderous towards some guy that posted porn links disguised as "helpful sites" on another forum I read at.
Wow, seriously? I hope you reported it- so no one else gets any funny ideas...
B
Boo
Guest
gummianka said:I am not a member there, so just browsing and reading.
A bit grateful though, that arse made me prove to myself that i could simply click down the page
Great job of managing the urge that those links triggered. This is the crucial skill that must be mastered and maintained if one is serious about quitting PMO or any related habits.
This is my last post here Gum. I hope you can find the meaning you seek in your recovery and life as well. It's very easy to fall into nihilistic ways of thinking when you consider how screwed up this world can be. Sometimes we just have to take life on its own terms, hour by hour, day by day. I think insecurity is the very nature of human experience. I know I've felt that way most of my life. But life still must be lived, doesn't it?
These days, I try not to overthink the concept of life and it's meaning. I just try to give meaning to my life and influence those I can in a positive way. Sometimes I feel like the striving we tend to do in life is "pointless". I know the feeling. Life is sometimes a struggle to make it quietly to death. I do believe that in regards to our struggle with PMO, getting this out of our life will help us to clarify "meaning" for our lives a bit better. I think when one feels more in control of their life, life just starts to get better in surprising ways. That's my hope for me, and for you. Take care brother.
Boo
Anothertry
Active Member
That doesn't sound like fun....remember everything changes eventually....
gummianka
Active Member
Actually it's not that bad. It is quite nice to be "off" and i have read enough to not panic and think that my dick is about to fall off.
Think I am getting sick as well, so a lot of the stuff i have thought was reboot related might actually be a normal, non porn related cold.
Think I am getting sick as well, so a lot of the stuff i have thought was reboot related might actually be a normal, non porn related cold.
gummianka
Active Member
Yeah, bit of a cold now.
Regardless, PMO feels pretty far off now. P, I dunno, suppose I could be triggered somehow but feel pretty safe there as well. Not getting cocky about it, but I am simply starting to be experienced in dealing with urges.
Apart from this thing, I will start dealing a lot more with PA stuff. Having really been going through my sexual past that seem like the logical next step to look into.
Flatline seem to come and go when it comes to the fellow down there. Other then that, very unmotivated and sluggish. Nothing seems fun and having a hard time being productive at work. I have decided to simply let this pass for a few days now, and then do something about it this weekend.
Regardless, PMO feels pretty far off now. P, I dunno, suppose I could be triggered somehow but feel pretty safe there as well. Not getting cocky about it, but I am simply starting to be experienced in dealing with urges.
Apart from this thing, I will start dealing a lot more with PA stuff. Having really been going through my sexual past that seem like the logical next step to look into.
Flatline seem to come and go when it comes to the fellow down there. Other then that, very unmotivated and sluggish. Nothing seems fun and having a hard time being productive at work. I have decided to simply let this pass for a few days now, and then do something about it this weekend.
Anothertry
Active Member
I guess the whole nofap thing is a big experiment....and it might be hard to see the effect as the days go by. I wonder if it could be interesting to read the beginning of your journal again and remember how you felt when writing it....but perhaps it is best to get to the end of the hard 90 and then look back? See where you are when your brain has rally had a chance to reset?
gummianka
Active Member
Yes! I agree completely and i do from time to time read my own journal. That is the main reason why I have it, and why I simply write straight from the heart here.
I have tried a lot of different hacks with myself when it comes to training and diet, and this is no different. Of course, even if all of this is useless to me, I need to actually get a real streak before I can say so. As for now, whetever I feel or don't feel is just emotions.
I am both sceptical by nature, but very determined to go the full mile before I decide.
My mission is to not have ED and to be able to rely on my buddy down there. That is the reason I am doing that, and that is the only reaspon I am doing this. And the great thing with the reboot is that I have been starting to look into this more. Nofap is my path now, but there is of course a lot of other things that influence this, and I am starting to learn things about psychological ED. And a lot of what I read there is eye opening indeed.
There are two things that I will not do, and that is flip sides to the same coin:
I will not rationalize to myself that I should quit this before I can truly expect to see some result.
I will not use Nofap as a religion that I must blindly follow.
This thing is VERY emotional for me, and I think that is the worst danger. In all situations I need to keep my head clear and work to find the best tools out there.
I have tried a lot of different hacks with myself when it comes to training and diet, and this is no different. Of course, even if all of this is useless to me, I need to actually get a real streak before I can say so. As for now, whetever I feel or don't feel is just emotions.
I am both sceptical by nature, but very determined to go the full mile before I decide.
My mission is to not have ED and to be able to rely on my buddy down there. That is the reason I am doing that, and that is the only reaspon I am doing this. And the great thing with the reboot is that I have been starting to look into this more. Nofap is my path now, but there is of course a lot of other things that influence this, and I am starting to learn things about psychological ED. And a lot of what I read there is eye opening indeed.
There are two things that I will not do, and that is flip sides to the same coin:
I will not rationalize to myself that I should quit this before I can truly expect to see some result.
I will not use Nofap as a religion that I must blindly follow.
This thing is VERY emotional for me, and I think that is the worst danger. In all situations I need to keep my head clear and work to find the best tools out there.
gummianka
Active Member
M in a half asleep state today. No P and no P related fantasy.
1. Feeling great after that. Amazing feeling of relief!
2. Quite extraordinary feeling of a rewire as well. No thoughts of porn after or anything like that. It really felt about the same as after a long meditation session, just clear. I think "free" is the best word to describe it.
3. In hindsite, I probably could have, and maybe should have, M a lot sooner, but I am glad I waited until it was "forced" on me like this. Good way to make it happen by itself and I think if I had decided to "do it" I would have used fantasy and not just "clean" like this. I actually didn't know I COULD M without fantasy until now.
4. Will not start to M now, but simply continue the reboot with no PMO and no P and see how things go.
5. Will be a bit extra careful in the next days as I have read about that chaser effect so many speak of.
Finally. This happened after a few days of, what I think was, a flatline. Also, the M cleared away a wicked headache I have been having for two-three days. Afterwards I went back to sleep and awoke more refreshed from sleep then I can remember having felt for many months.
If I step aside from the explenations of dopamine levels, rewire functions of the brain etc, I also did this completely without any shame and and without any preassure to perform. It was simply natural, clean, normal sexuality. Innocent is a word that comes to mind. And there is a real sensation of victory now (yeah, sounds silly, I know). But this is a major step for me in rebooting my goddamn life.
1. Feeling great after that. Amazing feeling of relief!
2. Quite extraordinary feeling of a rewire as well. No thoughts of porn after or anything like that. It really felt about the same as after a long meditation session, just clear. I think "free" is the best word to describe it.
3. In hindsite, I probably could have, and maybe should have, M a lot sooner, but I am glad I waited until it was "forced" on me like this. Good way to make it happen by itself and I think if I had decided to "do it" I would have used fantasy and not just "clean" like this. I actually didn't know I COULD M without fantasy until now.
4. Will not start to M now, but simply continue the reboot with no PMO and no P and see how things go.
5. Will be a bit extra careful in the next days as I have read about that chaser effect so many speak of.
Finally. This happened after a few days of, what I think was, a flatline. Also, the M cleared away a wicked headache I have been having for two-three days. Afterwards I went back to sleep and awoke more refreshed from sleep then I can remember having felt for many months.
If I step aside from the explenations of dopamine levels, rewire functions of the brain etc, I also did this completely without any shame and and without any preassure to perform. It was simply natural, clean, normal sexuality. Innocent is a word that comes to mind. And there is a real sensation of victory now (yeah, sounds silly, I know). But this is a major step for me in rebooting my goddamn life.
RuntoSpirit
Active Member
Hi,
I was touched by your honesty in your post. I encourage you to keep going. I am certainly no expert on quitting PMO, but I do know that your brain and body will REWIRE. Your goal of a good relationship is a worthy one and I pray that this grows as you desire. I would suggest that you also list out your own personal goals -- perhaps -"Better clarity" "more productivity" "better self-image" All these things are there for you no matter what happens in the realtionship realm and will in fact assist the relationship realm to be what you hope for.
I think your observation about edging is very wise. You show an ability to look at what you are doing and learn from it. I found that edging was really destructive for me and it is still very seductive in trying to throw off my own recovery. Good on you for getting the porn filter. It shows a sign of committment.
I noticed one comment to your post that advised "don't bet yourself up." I wholeheartedly agree with that. There is absolutely no strength in condemning yourself. YOu can be accountable to this forum, to yourself without condemnation. Condemnation never helped anyone. Know that your brain will come to rest. They say that for us addicts that the nerve pathways will always be there to be overly excited about porn, but we really are not compelled to keep porn in our lives. WE really can quit cold turkey and survive. Your brain will get used to normal sexual stimulation and you will respond with an erection to normal arousal by a real woman.
I hope this helps I will be thinking of you.
I was touched by your honesty in your post. I encourage you to keep going. I am certainly no expert on quitting PMO, but I do know that your brain and body will REWIRE. Your goal of a good relationship is a worthy one and I pray that this grows as you desire. I would suggest that you also list out your own personal goals -- perhaps -"Better clarity" "more productivity" "better self-image" All these things are there for you no matter what happens in the realtionship realm and will in fact assist the relationship realm to be what you hope for.
I think your observation about edging is very wise. You show an ability to look at what you are doing and learn from it. I found that edging was really destructive for me and it is still very seductive in trying to throw off my own recovery. Good on you for getting the porn filter. It shows a sign of committment.
I noticed one comment to your post that advised "don't bet yourself up." I wholeheartedly agree with that. There is absolutely no strength in condemning yourself. YOu can be accountable to this forum, to yourself without condemnation. Condemnation never helped anyone. Know that your brain will come to rest. They say that for us addicts that the nerve pathways will always be there to be overly excited about porn, but we really are not compelled to keep porn in our lives. WE really can quit cold turkey and survive. Your brain will get used to normal sexual stimulation and you will respond with an erection to normal arousal by a real woman.
I hope this helps I will be thinking of you.
gummianka
Active Member
Thank you for a very heartwarming post!
You are completely correct about having a defined goal. I have had that from day one, and that is to not have PIED.
Now, as I have embarked on this journey I have noticed a few things.
1. I am not at all certain any more that I ever had PIED. perhaps the curse of porn was that I thought I could act like a pornstar and simply perform in all conditions. The instance where I failed was indeed far from perfect and now in hindsight, I see A LOT of red flags with this woman and the situation we were in.
2. Porn addiction. I honestly see no real benefits of being off porn (yet) but I did notice that is was HARD (no pun intended) to stay off it. And since I don't want to be a slave to pixels, that bothers me.
Other then that, I have no other set goal. I will continue this reboot to see where it leads me, and learn as much as I can about myself in the meantime.
You are completely correct about having a defined goal. I have had that from day one, and that is to not have PIED.
Now, as I have embarked on this journey I have noticed a few things.
1. I am not at all certain any more that I ever had PIED. perhaps the curse of porn was that I thought I could act like a pornstar and simply perform in all conditions. The instance where I failed was indeed far from perfect and now in hindsight, I see A LOT of red flags with this woman and the situation we were in.
2. Porn addiction. I honestly see no real benefits of being off porn (yet) but I did notice that is was HARD (no pun intended) to stay off it. And since I don't want to be a slave to pixels, that bothers me.
Other then that, I have no other set goal. I will continue this reboot to see where it leads me, and learn as much as I can about myself in the meantime.