Awake.

[LTE]

Had a relapse today. I was looking at dating tips on youtube and it just escalated. I somehow justified some irrational mindset. I was so close to hitting my 1st goal and was doing pretty good.
This is no joke, I know I have to get through the pain, suffering, and failure to become the person I want to be. Getting the experiences, advice, and inspiration this forum has been extremely helpful in getting me this far. I probably need to turn to it more especially when I find myself heading down the wrong path. The war is not over, I know I must win this in order to get the life I deserve.

You have to make a commitment to yourself that you will accept nothing less that a real relationship with a real person. Allowing yourself any degree of sexual excitement apart from a real world situation is never going to bring satisfaction. Accept no substitutes.

 

[savingmysoul]

Hang in there 1qqq1,

you have the strength inside to bring you through this.  Find it and embrace it. 

It is a committment, a big one - it is a committment to yourself.

I would look at what you were doing or feeling that led you to your relapse.  We all need to feel those emotions and be aware - so next time we can deal with them head on and get through it.

 

[Viper]

Had a relapse today. I was looking at dating tips on youtube and it just escalated. I somehow justified some irrational mindset. I was so close to hitting my 1st goal and was doing pretty good.
This is no joke, I know I have to get through the pain, suffering, and failure to become the person I want to be. Getting the experiences, advice, and inspiration this forum has been extremely helpful in getting me this far. I probably need to turn to it more especially when I find myself heading down the wrong path. The war is not over, I know I must win this in order to get the life I deserve.

I wouldn't try to date if i were you.
Seems like the possibility of sex is on your mind constantly and that's leading your hand to your dick.
I would just focus on yourself to stay away from PMO or edging.

 

[1qqq1]

The truth is you can't stop going into it with the mindset that you are going to fail. But I found that relapsing was not a failure at all
but simply a bump in the road taking me to where I want to be. I know it is not something that should be done purposefully,
however I think it actually made me stronger in a way.  It for sure didn't send me back to the place I was to start with, which
is what I feared.  On my second attempt at 30 days and I'm not even really paying attention that much to how much time has
passed and haven't had the strong urges to look at porn, at least for right now.

 

[sonofJack]

Good work. The negative connotations of the counter bother me at times too. As you pour more of your attention into who you want to be, rather than what you don't want to do anymore, maybe you'll find a way to track a new positive aspect of your life. In fact, I just may add a counter to my journal, to reflect just such a thing!

 

[1qqq1]

Just checking in,
I reached the 30 days this time and think I will go for 90.  The commitment to stop pmo has changed my life for the better. It has not been easy especially the first attempt was a huge struggle every day, hour, and sometimes minute.  Realizing that the pain I am going through is temporary was a big help in coping.  As well as advice and support I get here. I know the changes in my life are not just due to the reboot but I think it is the catalyst.  I have reconnected with dear friends that have been missing from my life for over a decade.  I joined social groups in my town and am now going out and meeting new people, something I would never have considered 2 months ago. I have stepped up my exercise and diet to improve my fitness in a big way. I am making a conscious effort to talk and engage strangers on the street. This is big for me because I have for years avoided people and basically been afraid, in a way, to be very outgoing with anyone.  I've heard people talk about the super powers a reboot will cause. I think of it more like I finally get to see the real me.(apologies to Roger Daltry).

One thing though. This past week I have been having a lot of regret about how I have wasted so much time.  This has caused me to start crying. Now I'm not a person who normally cries often. The only time as an adult that I can remember crying was when my father passed.  Now I can hear a sad or inspirational song and start balling or just a thought of what I've missed out on over the years can turn the faucet on. At work, in the car, taking a walk, it doesn't seem to matter where I'm at and it is a little humiliating & not sure what is causing it or when it will end.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

I totally hear you there, with the regrets about the time wasted in the past.  But obviously there is nothing we can do about it, only live into the PMO free future with great gusto and never miss those opportunities again!

And certainly don't let the guilts lead you back down into the dark part of the forest again!

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[1qqq1]

I had a terrible day yesterday. Felt weak, weak, weak. Things have been going very well this time and have really stepped up my exercise, diet, and socializing. Things are going well at work. I've been able to thwart the urges through diverting my attention but for some reason I just fell apart, not sure what happened. Part of it may be frustration over not being able to find a SO.
What scares me is that after basically all summer trying to reboot (with 3 or 4 relapses) those pathways in my mind are just as strong as they were when I started. I don't know how that works.
I was looking at YBOP and saw where the sensitized pathways wired in my head can take a while weaken but the thought that they will always be there and may wake up at any time freaks me out a little.

Anyways, I'm determined to beat this so I can become the person I know I can be.

 

[Havetodothis40]

You can do this 1QQQ1.

It may take a while, but you know you can do this.  I have not been trying as long as you, but I am single also.  I am kind of worried about finding and SO, but first I am just focusing on my self and most of my will is going into stopping PMO.

Have a great day!

 

[LTE]

I had a terrible day yesterday. Felt weak, weak, weak. Things have been going very well this time and have really stepped up my exercise, diet, and socializing. Things are going well at work. I've been able to thwart the urges through diverting my attention but for some reason I just fell apart, not sure what happened. Part of it may be frustration over not being able to find a SO.
What scares me is that after basically all summer trying to reboot (with 3 or 4 relapses) those pathways in my mind are just as strong as they were when I started. I don't know how that works.
I was looking at YBOP and saw where the sensitized pathways wired in my head can take a while weaken but the thought that they will always be there and may wake up at any time freaks me out a little.

Anyways, I'm determined to beat this so I can become the person I know I can be.

Just keep fighting. It will get better. I know it might not seem like it, but it does. Yesterday I had to drive through the seedy part of town, strip joints, etc. I felt zero temptation. The reason is clear, I've learned that such things bring no lasting satisfaction.

The physical effects of addiction are strong and can make life hell for a while, but it can be overcome. Understanding how it works helps us greatly in breaking the grip of addiction. There are other things you can do. Reading the book Breaking the Cycle by George Collins really helped me. If you are dealing with something greater than Internet porn addiction then you have to change your relationship to porn and to sex itself. I know that in my case I had spent a lifetime becoming excited by the very prospect of porn. I've overcome that now and I'm no longer triggered by something innocuous which then escalates to porn. For me, I think that refusing to masturbate has been the key. I've trained myself not to seek self pleasuring. It's been ove 600 days since I've ejaculated and I'm just fine. You can do it too.

 

[rider654321]

I had a terrible day yesterday. Felt weak, weak, weak. Things have been going very well this time and have really stepped up my exercise, diet, and socializing. Things are going well at work. I've been able to thwart the urges through diverting my attention but for some reason I just fell apart, not sure what happened. Part of it may be frustration over not being able to find a SO.
What scares me is that after basically all summer trying to reboot (with 3 or 4 relapses) those pathways in my mind are just as strong as they were when I started. I don't know how that works.
I was looking at YBOP and saw where the sensitized pathways wired in my head can take a while weaken but the thought that they will always be there and may wake up at any time freaks me out a little.

Anyways, I'm determined to beat this so I can become the person I know I can be.

Just keep fighting. It will get better. I know it might not seem like it, but it does. Yesterday I had to drive through the seedy part of town, strip joints, etc. I felt zero temptation. The reason is clear, I've learned that such things bring no lasting satisfaction.

The physical effects of addiction are strong and can make life hell for a while, but it can be overcome. Understanding how it works helps us greatly in breaking the grip of addiction. There are other things you can do. Reading the book Breaking the Cycle by George Collins really helped me. If you are dealing with something greater than Internet porn addiction then you have to change your relationship to porn and to sex itself. I know that in my case I had spent a lifetime becoming excited by the very prospect of porn. I've overcome that now and I'm no longer triggered by something innocuous which then escalates to porn. For me, I think that refusing to masturbate has been the key. I've trained myself not to seek self pleasuring. It's been ove 600 days since I've ejaculated and I'm just fine. You can do it too.

What Ite has said is absolutely true. It is tough for a while, but understanding how it works made a massive difference in enabling me to beat the urges. I tried and failed more times than I can remember. This time though I'm on the right path with the right knowledge and the right mindset.

Those old pathways your freaked out about? I've too have read they weaken with time, but how long it takes to weaken something I've spent 40 years strengthening remains a mystery? What has strengthened during my reboot is my ability to resist and deal with the urges quickly when they arise.

I have accepted that those old pathways will be a part of me for the remainder of my life, though I know I can remain vigilant of them and keep them in check. That's the part I find gets better and better the further along my reboot I go.     

 

[1qqq1]

Had a bad weekend with a couple of relapses Sunday. I am determined to kick this thing because I saw glimpses of the person I was meant to become when I had weeks of no pmo. The advice and experiences on this site help a great deal with dealing with this. I am having trouble with having the courage to keep trying when I fail and fail and fail. I don't understand how I can go 30 or 40 days, feel great and then just fall back down. I do know that when I have relapsed that the regret and shame I feel is more intense each time .

 

[LTE]

Had a bad weekend with a couple of relapses Sunday. I am determined to kick this thing because I saw glimpses of the person I was meant to become when I had weeks of no pmo. The advice and experiences on this site help a great deal with dealing with this. I am having trouble with having the courage to keep trying when I fail and fail and fail. I don't understand how I can go 30 or 40 days, feel great and then just fall back down. I do know that when I have relapsed that the regret and shame I feel is more intense each time .

First off, don't give up. Use this experience to inform your future decisions. The solution to frustration, desire or just simple anxiety is not PMO. The way you feel right now bears this out. 

 

[1qqq1]

Well, made it a week without pmo or mo. It has been really tough and I'm feel like I'm going crazy. I am not angry or anything but my head is all over the place and having trouble concentrating. I have been able to divert the urges through exercise, cleaning, trying to be around people, and catching up on hobbies. I usually don't remember my dreams but last night I had 3. I didn't even sleep that long around 4 hours total. None of them were sexual but they were all really messed up. One had 2 random women I work with getting into a violent fist fight. One had me riding a bike and it breaking (Jimmy Fallon and Jack Black were with me) while I was on my way home to see an NFL game actually being played in my back yard.  The last one I was at county fair in some bleachers with a huge crowd of families and a swarm of UFO's descended, in Independence Day style, and began opening fire on people and blowing up an Elephant Ear stand. It all sounds kind of funny as I write it but it's no joke. I woke up scared shitless. I feel like I'm loosing it.
One thing I have been doing different this time is listening to hypnosis that is supposed to help you stop porn.

 

[LTE]

Well, made it a week without pmo or mo. It has been really tough and I'm feel like I'm going crazy. I am not angry or anything but my head is all over the place and having trouble concentrating. I have been able to divert the urges through exercise, cleaning, trying to be around people, and catching up on hobbies. I usually don't remember my dreams but last night I had 3. I didn't even sleep that long around 4 hours total. None of them were sexual but they were all really messed up. One had 2 random women I work with getting into a violent fist fight. One had me riding a bike and it breaking (Jimmy Fallon and Jack Black were with me) while I was on my way home to see an NFL game actually being played in my back yard.  The last one I was at county fair in some bleachers with a huge crowd of families and a swarm of UFO's descended, in Independence Day style, and began opening fire on people and blowing up an Elephant Ear stand. It all sounds kind of funny as I write it but it's no joke. I woke up scared shitless. I feel like I'm loosing it.
One thing I have been doing different this time is listening to hypnosis that is supposed to help you stop porn.

Keep in mind that things get better. The first couple of weeks are chaotic, things improve thereafter.

 

[1qqq1]

Things have been going well.  The urges to look at porn have subsided, for the time being, but appear every few days. They are usually fleeting moment and I'm able to divert my thoughts. The urge to M, however, is a daily fight. I began seeing a counselor about a month ago and not sure if it is doing any good. I shared my problem fully just without fully going into detail yet. Maybe trust for him will grow as I continue down this path. This Monday I am starting to go to a group he facilitates of sex addicts. I'm not sure that label applies to me because my acting out has been exclusively with my computer. The group scares me shitless. Talk about out of my comfort zone, that's mecca. Anyway, I'm gonna do it. What's the worst that can happen? I hope no one I know is there. That's what makes the anonymity of this site so freeing.
The day after Christmas I was at spinning class at my gym and the room was full. Probably 25 women and 3 dudes including me. It was about 40 minutes into an hour class and this song came on. It was the background music for one of my go to favorites. The vivid imagery came flooding back with a vengeance. I just wanted to leave immediately. That would have drawn a lot of attention probably. Anyway it didn't get me riled up or anything it was just really uncomfortable til the song was over. I guess those types of random triggers are in my head now forever and I just have to learn to deal with them as they show up.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing brother. I had the same experience at the gym. The song was Sia's "Chandelier" and the lyrics, "So I'm just holding on for tonight, yes I'm just holding on for dear life" reduced me to tears...on a treadmill! If you are looking for a group that deals specifically with our addiction, check out: www.pornaddictsanonymous.org. They are AA for PMO addicts, have 2 weekly Skype meetings, and a message board similar to this. I joined in late October and it saved my life. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Fappy]

Keep posting and inspiring others!
Withdrawal symptoms are good, it means youre winning!
If the ugly beast of cravings rears its head, put a bullet in its eye!

 

[Poker]

Fappy, that's an aha moment...  Withdrawal symptoms do mean you're winning. 

I mean, we have spent decades sabotaging our brain development with high speed porn...  We have to go through this shit to get better.  The mere fact that we are is a win.

Wow...

 

[Fappy]

Word, poker.
Sit back and watch as your brain freaks out in a pathetic attempt to get you to watch porn.
Chuckle as it makes an excuse to justify fapping to porn.
Scoff when it tries to make you feel bad for not allowing yourself that dopamine hit.
All of the withdrawal symptoms are just your porn addiction in its death throes. Its trying to cling to life, begging on its knees, thrashing around in despair. Let it.
Crack open a beer and watch it die.