Well I made it to 90 days with no p, m, or o. The benefits can't be overstated. I think its a complete mental challenge that starts over every day, hour, and sometimes minute. I am thankful that I am not preoccupied with the desire for porn but am much more interested in the real thing. The desire to look is not gone just the feeling that I absolutely need it to get through my fucked up daily life is. Going without masturbating is still a major challenge. And the triggers are everywhere I look so I need to find out how to keep those urges in check. I once heard "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Don't I know it. I experienced many of the benefits people talk about here with increased confidence, more outgoing, energy, and self worth. One thing I also experience is a lot of confusion, fear, and sadness. The regret I live with is troubling because I know there is nothing at all I can do about the years I wasted. The past is gone and I can choose how I'm going to live every second of the day. But it still bothers me. After years of numbing my thoughts and feelings with escaping through fantasy and PMO this journey has been a real awakening. When you are in that routine you don't really think it's changing you that much. Once you stop (and I know 90 days is just a relatively short time) you start having all these feelings both good and bad about yourself and your life that normal people have. Facing the big, bright, messy, complicated world can be scary but I now I am not alone. This site is a repeated source of much needed inspiration and advice. Thanks for all the support and feedback.
Awake.
- Thread starter 1qqq1
- Start date
Poker
Active Member
Great job!
I guess I am lucky in some ways.... I am dealing with so much other crap, porn is honestly not on the radar. Mind you... I am on the computer all the time, just addicted to this board, FB and youtube. still.... not porn!
Proud of you man. You're doing good.
Cheers,
p.
I guess I am lucky in some ways.... I am dealing with so much other crap, porn is honestly not on the radar. Mind you... I am on the computer all the time, just addicted to this board, FB and youtube. still.... not porn!
Proud of you man. You're doing good.
Cheers,
p.
Man,
I went over 150 days no porn and fell right back down the rabbit hole yesterday. The bigger problem is I can't see why. No major stressors other than normal and I have all the tools in place (exercise, reading, prayer, therapy, group, and here). For whatever reason I chose to ignore the help I have available and plan of action I have made. I just felt like I was so wound up and needed a release. I can say for sure that even after 5 months away, and feeling that I did not need porn, once I took a peek I could not stop. My mind has a mind of it's own. Once listened to my dirtbag mind for a second it just took over. This next week is going to be hell. I knew I would feel like shit afterword. I knew it would not solve anything. I knew doing It would just make me want to do it more but I did it anyway. I made a mistake and now have to move forward.
I went over 150 days no porn and fell right back down the rabbit hole yesterday. The bigger problem is I can't see why. No major stressors other than normal and I have all the tools in place (exercise, reading, prayer, therapy, group, and here). For whatever reason I chose to ignore the help I have available and plan of action I have made. I just felt like I was so wound up and needed a release. I can say for sure that even after 5 months away, and feeling that I did not need porn, once I took a peek I could not stop. My mind has a mind of it's own. Once listened to my dirtbag mind for a second it just took over. This next week is going to be hell. I knew I would feel like shit afterword. I knew it would not solve anything. I knew doing It would just make me want to do it more but I did it anyway. I made a mistake and now have to move forward.
Thing have been going pretty well these past couple of weeks. I've been having some wicked headaches though. May be change in weather. Today I'm feeling pretty good cause I finished a race I've been training for over the last month or so.
It's amazing how the mind works. I hadn't really been having cravings to look at porn and as soon as I did, I immediately went back the same twisted shit I was looking at before. I couldn't stop. Those pathways are still there in me for sure and even after 150 days seemed to be just as strong after a couple of minutes. I had hoped that by now they had weakened. I guess I am trying to heal a neuro trench that I've been digging for 25 years but still have some skepticism that the brain(at least mine) is that elastic and changeable. When I had my slip, my intent was not to test myself but that was the result. I was having trouble sleeping and checked out some ASMR youtubes to relax, big mistake. I think what I learned is to don't even consider looking at anything that may be a trigger not even a peek. I also know that whatever pain I am trying to relive with PMO will only be made so much worse after.
Back on course now and feeling stronger by the day. I need to find a girl. Just having the companionship and touch would help me on the rewiring side a lot. Then maybe I would have a real person to think about loosing If I don't get my shit together rather than a "someday maybe when I'm fixed person".
It's amazing how the mind works. I hadn't really been having cravings to look at porn and as soon as I did, I immediately went back the same twisted shit I was looking at before. I couldn't stop. Those pathways are still there in me for sure and even after 150 days seemed to be just as strong after a couple of minutes. I had hoped that by now they had weakened. I guess I am trying to heal a neuro trench that I've been digging for 25 years but still have some skepticism that the brain(at least mine) is that elastic and changeable. When I had my slip, my intent was not to test myself but that was the result. I was having trouble sleeping and checked out some ASMR youtubes to relax, big mistake. I think what I learned is to don't even consider looking at anything that may be a trigger not even a peek. I also know that whatever pain I am trying to relive with PMO will only be made so much worse after.
Back on course now and feeling stronger by the day. I need to find a girl. Just having the companionship and touch would help me on the rewiring side a lot. Then maybe I would have a real person to think about loosing If I don't get my shit together rather than a "someday maybe when I'm fixed person".
Had a slip up yesterday. I PMO 3 times. I have k9 blocker but doesn't do much good when I know the password. I would have been able to find something anyway to use. Because I had it in my head to do it. Not sure what the main trigger was. It was a really stressful week at work. That contributed. Mostly it was that I just wanted to feel good. I know It only makes me feel worse later but I did it anyway. Being able to just feel crappy sometimes and still having self control over my actions is something I need to work on. The thing that baffles me is that I know it messes me up. I know how abstaining along with diet, exercise, and everything else I try to do for myself takes me in the direction I want to be going. But I did it anyway. I have plans in place that are specific: go for a run, read, pray, call a friend, read letter I wrote to myself, walk dog, check out this forum, just get up and do something else. I ignored my plan and did it anyway. Why? I don't know when I have all this support and still can't stop it's scary. When I checked out the porn I went right to the same bad shit I was looking at before. No starting at the more tame stuff and escalating. Which makes me question weather those pathways are changing at all. If they don't I guess that's just how it is and I have to continue on knowing that I will win this fight. I have been trying to stop for about a year now, with some good success. And some long streaks that proved to myself that I had the strength to do it. The thing is, I expected to be further along now than I am after all the effort I've put into this. At least more able to control myself. I for sure don't feel like the person I was a year ago. I feel more like the person I was A week ago with a little more shame and fear of failure piled on to the heap...
I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine how hard it must be. It's a beautiful tribute that you wrote for you girl, thank you for sharing. It helps a lot as I will be going through the same thing soon. You are absolutely right, they not pets, they are dear friends. Take care of yourself.
DucatiRider
Member
I can relate to much of what's going on in this thread.
The shame of wasted years is crushing. However wasting more would be even worse.
I'm sorry for your loss 1qqq1, you didn't need that now. I'm inspired by the success you've already had, keep it going.
The shame of wasted years is crushing. However wasting more would be even worse.
I'm sorry for your loss 1qqq1, you didn't need that now. I'm inspired by the success you've already had, keep it going.
Time for another counter reset. I fall down, I get Back up. I fall down, I get back up. Repeat until I fall no more... I still feel like I have momentum in battling this thing and moving my life forward in other areas as well. The last couple of weeks have been a real test. I had a really, really bad few days at work ended up staying up literally until the sun came up and in a moment of weakness pmo'd. Then after work did it again this time looking at porn for a couple of hours. The scary thing is that after a year of attempts and some really good progress, when I've slipped up, I still go almost directly to what I consider the worst. Like a lot of people years of looking at porn and needing that escalation of shock to arouse me, I was looking at some deviant stuff and things that are really messed up. I guess I figured I would look something less graphic because I should need less stimuli at this point. Maybe my mind and mouse just went there out of habit. It is disturbing whatever the reason. I didn't have an erection most of the time so maybe that is a sign of healing because I never had that issue when watched porn before. The dopamine hit was strong. I want to learn from this so I'm taking time to review why I am eliminating porn and masturbation from my life. And say a few words to my nemesis.
Dear porn and masturbation,
I know you think you know what is best for me and just love being in control. Watching me suffer, making do things I don't want to and feel weak, ashamed, and alone. For a long time I allowed you. In fact wanted, invited and craved you in my life. The truth is today the things you have to offer and promise just don't fit in with my lifestyle. See, I am a busy dude with a lot of great things going on and interesting, beautiful people to interact with and frankly don't one more second to waste on you. I know you' re not a very good listener and well aware that you will be there lurking for a long time. Just waiting...with all the time in the world. But I learned something from Winnie the Poo that I may have put on the back burner and forgotten for a while but think it applies here. "I'm braver than you believe, stronger than you know, and smarter than you think." And you should know by now that you don't have the strength that you once did and your not getting any younger either. Meanwhile, I am learning everything I can and my life is becoming filled with experiences and fulfillment. Getting stronger, wiser, and becoming the person I want to be. My tool belt is amped up with ways to rid you as a solution in my life. And I know the truth about you. I haven't quite figured everything out yet but know your impact and lies are no longer welcome. The things I want in my life are simply more powerful than you and the escape and numbing you so proudly provide is not needed anymore. My life is constantly evolving and in the process of making these changes, take a look and see where you fit in to the plan:
I will be in control of my thoughts and actions.
I will be able to have a meaningful intimate connection with a woman.
I will no longer live with shame and secrets.
I will have the courage to follow through with my goals.
I will be confident, resolute, and outgoing.
I will be able to feel great joy and pain.
I will feel worthy of someone else's love.
I will not fear to interact with or objectify women.
I will embrace being vulnerable and asking for help when needed.
I will love myself.
So there you have it. We both new this day would eventually come. Really, It's not you... It's me. I've changed.
NOW GET THE F**K OUT OF MY HOUSE, B**CH!
Dear porn and masturbation,
I know you think you know what is best for me and just love being in control. Watching me suffer, making do things I don't want to and feel weak, ashamed, and alone. For a long time I allowed you. In fact wanted, invited and craved you in my life. The truth is today the things you have to offer and promise just don't fit in with my lifestyle. See, I am a busy dude with a lot of great things going on and interesting, beautiful people to interact with and frankly don't one more second to waste on you. I know you' re not a very good listener and well aware that you will be there lurking for a long time. Just waiting...with all the time in the world. But I learned something from Winnie the Poo that I may have put on the back burner and forgotten for a while but think it applies here. "I'm braver than you believe, stronger than you know, and smarter than you think." And you should know by now that you don't have the strength that you once did and your not getting any younger either. Meanwhile, I am learning everything I can and my life is becoming filled with experiences and fulfillment. Getting stronger, wiser, and becoming the person I want to be. My tool belt is amped up with ways to rid you as a solution in my life. And I know the truth about you. I haven't quite figured everything out yet but know your impact and lies are no longer welcome. The things I want in my life are simply more powerful than you and the escape and numbing you so proudly provide is not needed anymore. My life is constantly evolving and in the process of making these changes, take a look and see where you fit in to the plan:
I will be in control of my thoughts and actions.
I will be able to have a meaningful intimate connection with a woman.
I will no longer live with shame and secrets.
I will have the courage to follow through with my goals.
I will be confident, resolute, and outgoing.
I will be able to feel great joy and pain.
I will feel worthy of someone else's love.
I will not fear to interact with or objectify women.
I will embrace being vulnerable and asking for help when needed.
I will love myself.
So there you have it. We both new this day would eventually come. Really, It's not you... It's me. I've changed.
NOW GET THE F**K OUT OF MY HOUSE, B**CH!
Hey all,
I'm struggling. I know some of my triggers (they are mostly work stress, anxiety, feeling lonely, sense of failure) and I have plans in place stop. The problem is just doing them. I have been trying to quit for over a year and had a long stretch over the winter. Since then the time between slip ups has been getting shorter and shorter so I am very afraid that I will fall back into addiction because of this. I am committed to quitting so I can connect with people and have better relationship with myself and others. I just seem to find it easier to give in to that voice telling me to pmo as time goes by, I recognize it and need to find a way to change it. I think I need an accountability partner.
I'm struggling. I know some of my triggers (they are mostly work stress, anxiety, feeling lonely, sense of failure) and I have plans in place stop. The problem is just doing them. I have been trying to quit for over a year and had a long stretch over the winter. Since then the time between slip ups has been getting shorter and shorter so I am very afraid that I will fall back into addiction because of this. I am committed to quitting so I can connect with people and have better relationship with myself and others. I just seem to find it easier to give in to that voice telling me to pmo as time goes by, I recognize it and need to find a way to change it. I think I need an accountability partner.
DucatiRider
Member
Of course it's easier to give in, how do you think we wound up addicted in the first place!?
Our minds forget the pain of quitting when we started this process. So when we slip, the pathway to more is far less resistant than stopping again. I've felt it many times. When we start to falter, it's partly because we forget the depth of that pain and the height of the elation when we first quit.
However now that I've felt it, cataloged it and can recognize it when it occurs, it's not so scarey.
You will not die if you don't look at porn or masturbate. You will not get or maintain the benefits if you do. Recall how wonderful it was to be in control of yourself.
If you need a partner I'll do it. You tell me what you need.
Our minds forget the pain of quitting when we started this process. So when we slip, the pathway to more is far less resistant than stopping again. I've felt it many times. When we start to falter, it's partly because we forget the depth of that pain and the height of the elation when we first quit.
However now that I've felt it, cataloged it and can recognize it when it occurs, it's not so scarey.
You will not die if you don't look at porn or masturbate. You will not get or maintain the benefits if you do. Recall how wonderful it was to be in control of yourself.
If you need a partner I'll do it. You tell me what you need.
Thanks Ducati Rider,
That makes a lot of sense. The road less traveled makes all the difference... but it isn't easy.
As far as accountability, my 1st goal is to go 90 days. I'm gonna make a concerted effort to check in
as much as possible but minimum of twice a week. I would like to have someone check in on my
post (PM if needed ) and give feedback. Just the knowledge that someone is paying attention
when I check in, may help keep me in check.
thanks
That makes a lot of sense. The road less traveled makes all the difference... but it isn't easy.
As far as accountability, my 1st goal is to go 90 days. I'm gonna make a concerted effort to check in
as much as possible but minimum of twice a week. I would like to have someone check in on my
post (PM if needed ) and give feedback. Just the knowledge that someone is paying attention
when I check in, may help keep me in check.
thanks
DucatiRider
Member
I check the forums daily, so I'll have my eye on you.
bob
Respected Member
I too need to have the support of others. Will make sure that I check to see how you are doing.
Remember, it is the journey that is important. Keep working towards that goal but don't fixate on the end. Just keep working on it and we can get there together!
I know you can do it.
Remember, it is the journey that is important. Keep working towards that goal but don't fixate on the end. Just keep working on it and we can get there together!
I know you can do it.
Thanks for the support,
Today was a pretty good day. I am grateful I didn't pmo. As part of my journey I have been getting counseling for the past 6 months to help me sort out my issues. I just changed therapists and discovered that I have an intimacy disorder. This explains a lot as far as me being way overweight most of my life keeping me both physically and emotionally at a distance. (I lost 150 lbs. over the last 3 years and am currently training for a marathon.) And using porn which I used as a relationship replacement and a way to meet my sexual needs and avoid intimacy. As I continue to peel the onion back I'm not sure how therapy will address the root causes or how I will learn to connect. What I do know is that trusting and sharing my personal struggles with others will help me.
A couple of changes I made in the last couple of weeks. After I lost the weight, I was in a place where I felt good about myself. Depression and Self-Esteem issues were dissolving so I began seeking a relationship for the first time in over 10 years. I was on match.com/pof since before I realized porn was an issue in my life. So the whole time I have been trying to stop, I was also trying to get a women, thinking It would make rebooting easier if I had a sexual partner. This was a mistake. I think the checking out profiles kept that light bulb in my brain burning for porn. I cancelled my subscription. The other thing I did was delete my password for k9. I always figured I would use it as a barrier but ultimately could get around it anyway, so I saved the password. Not smart. I made it just to easy for myself to look in a time of weakness.
One of the things I battle with is I can go weeks without having lasting cravings. Then the pressures and anxiety of life build and I start getting strong urges. I can hold off for some time but seem to get so wound up that feel I need to release that tension. This is when I give in to pmo. I'm not making excuses, just recognizing the pattern. I need to find a better way get through it. I already exercise like crazy, pray and go to church, and keep a gratitude journal which help a lot. I think I need to learn to meditate to allow myself to let go of some of this stress and learn to live in the present. I know I'm all over the place on this post, please bear with me.
Today was a pretty good day. I am grateful I didn't pmo. As part of my journey I have been getting counseling for the past 6 months to help me sort out my issues. I just changed therapists and discovered that I have an intimacy disorder. This explains a lot as far as me being way overweight most of my life keeping me both physically and emotionally at a distance. (I lost 150 lbs. over the last 3 years and am currently training for a marathon.) And using porn which I used as a relationship replacement and a way to meet my sexual needs and avoid intimacy. As I continue to peel the onion back I'm not sure how therapy will address the root causes or how I will learn to connect. What I do know is that trusting and sharing my personal struggles with others will help me.
A couple of changes I made in the last couple of weeks. After I lost the weight, I was in a place where I felt good about myself. Depression and Self-Esteem issues were dissolving so I began seeking a relationship for the first time in over 10 years. I was on match.com/pof since before I realized porn was an issue in my life. So the whole time I have been trying to stop, I was also trying to get a women, thinking It would make rebooting easier if I had a sexual partner. This was a mistake. I think the checking out profiles kept that light bulb in my brain burning for porn. I cancelled my subscription. The other thing I did was delete my password for k9. I always figured I would use it as a barrier but ultimately could get around it anyway, so I saved the password. Not smart. I made it just to easy for myself to look in a time of weakness.
One of the things I battle with is I can go weeks without having lasting cravings. Then the pressures and anxiety of life build and I start getting strong urges. I can hold off for some time but seem to get so wound up that feel I need to release that tension. This is when I give in to pmo. I'm not making excuses, just recognizing the pattern. I need to find a better way get through it. I already exercise like crazy, pray and go to church, and keep a gratitude journal which help a lot. I think I need to learn to meditate to allow myself to let go of some of this stress and learn to live in the present. I know I'm all over the place on this post, please bear with me.
DucatiRider
Member
Oh man do I know how you feel.
I lost 70lbs a few years back and I'm in great shape now. It helps some with the self confidence, but not enough.
You might be interested in my journal over on YourBrainRebalanced. It has my thoughts and experiences on the online dating/rewiring with real women.
Keep at it.
I lost 70lbs a few years back and I'm in great shape now. It helps some with the self confidence, but not enough.
You might be interested in my journal over on YourBrainRebalanced. It has my thoughts and experiences on the online dating/rewiring with real women.
Keep at it.
bob
Respected Member
I relate to the "can go weeks without." I to seem to do well until there is some tension or struggles with my life. Then I seem to crave it even more.
Keep being strong and we can get through this. Congrats to both of you for the weight loss. That is really something! Shows you have a lot of strength within yourselves. And... never worry about rambling posts. I feel like mine are all over the place. Its just part of the thought process.
Keep being strong and we can get through this. Congrats to both of you for the weight loss. That is really something! Shows you have a lot of strength within yourselves. And... never worry about rambling posts. I feel like mine are all over the place. Its just part of the thought process.
Things are still positive. I began trying some meditation. I think it may be very helpful in dealing with my stress and anxiety in the present instead of letting it build and build until it erupts. I was completely exhausted following one of my workouts this week. We ran some hills over and over. There are some really good looking women in my group and I think the interaction and exercise is good for me. Kinda hard to gawk or objectify women when you can barely breathe.