This I vow (until it sticks ). Gay Male 44

[now-man]

Hey BlueSun,

You're doing really well, and it sounds like it's going exactly the way it's supposed to. You said:

"Read on now-man's posts about the morality of this and non-traditional relationships.  My partner and I are in an open relationship.  He and I have not really had a physical spark between us sexually for quite a while.  I'm not sure how much of that is my porn-addiction, and how much of it is being with someone for 15 years and discovering that we're partners, husbands, best-friends, companions and that the physical parts were such a small part of our total relationship that we stopped worrying about it.  When we opened our relationship, I basically continued my affair with Sean C***'s boys.  I've had one other partner than my husband in our entire time together. 
When it boils down to it, I'm just not that outwardly physically sexual of a person.  And I wonder if its because i've been routing all that mojo to pixel-of-the-week, or if that's really what i'm like deep beneath this brutish exterior."

There is a fair amount of moralizing in some postings here. I feel for guys who have that whole element added to the process - it's not necessarily helpful for me, and it sure looks like it makes it harder for some guys than it might be otherwise. But I don't know anyone else's process. And I have a lot of respect for everyone's intentions. There are many ways to get the results we're all looking for, and whatever helps you is a good thing.

If you go through with hard mode for 90 days, you may be pleasantly surprised with what you find on the other side. It's really not all that surprising since you're already wondering if your lack of sexual spark is "because i've been routing all that mojo to pixel-of-the-week". That's what I was doing before my reboot. But for me, it has still come as a very pleasant surprise to discover that, yes, since I completely stopped routing the mojo that way, a whole new (old) internal sexual mojo has been resurfacing. It's more personal, organic, intimate - more of a connection with my own real sexuality, which naturally leads to a turned on connection with my partner (and with some hookups I've had as well).

It's great that you're noticing the degree to which you objectify men, and especially the auto-pilot setting it's on. I totally relate. I don't think it's something you have to worry about or figure out. I practiced with a "2 second rule" some other guys mentioned in here (when you see something 'hot' look away after 2 seconds - you don't have to pretend it's not there or beat yourself up for looking, in fact you get 2 whole seconds of appreciation. Just look away then.) For me it wasn't about changing my behavior forever, it was about giving myself a rest right now. It could be a helpful tool for awhile. These days I don't really think about it, and it's not an issue. And I see and appreciate attractive men.

You said:
"90 days may seem like a long time, but its a personal challenge. 
90 days hard mode isn't going to kill me. It isn't going to damage anything.  I wont suffer in any way that is life-threatening.
And it will heal me.  As it has healed so many others. 
I can do this.  And I will keep trying until i do."

I think you're right on. There are a lot of benefits available, things you're going to like way more than jerking to porn. I think it's much easier and faster to get there without MO. Find whatever you need to replace M with, whatever you need as a distraction when the urge hits - go for a walk or run or exercise, read Your Brain On Porn, post here, meditate, contact a sobriety buddy. Or my personal favorite - cold showers! But keep your hands out of your pants, play the waiting game, and reap the rewards.

Feel free to reach out or message. Wishing you well man. Keep going!

 

[BlueSun]

Day 23.

Ok.  New day.
Yesterday I had an MO situation. 3 times, all solo. First two no fantasy. Third had flashes of fantasy, some from PMO days, and some imaginary. Last night I was pretty upset about it. I logged in to update last night, saw some posts in my journal,  (THANK YOU) and decided to sleep on it. 

Heres the deal.  I've been porn free for 23 days.  Thats a huge win, the longest streak ever.

And yesterday I MO three times with NO porn. 23 days ago I thought that would be impossible, couldn't have forced that to happen no matter what I tried.  Without P my body was not in the game at all.  That also is a huge win.  Its growth. Flogging myself for not making hard mode 90 days on the first few attempts is futile.

Beating myself up for beating off is just as unhealthy as the addiction I'm repairing.  I'm dealing with raw power from within me that hasnt seen anything but artificial light since whoknowswhen. Achieving 90 days hard mode is a great goal, it has served many in the healing process and I shall not let it out of my sights.  But I must stay focused first and foremost on the primary goal: identification and elimination of Porrn and Porn Subs.  Thats Goal 1.

Ok so I didn't make 90 days hard mode.  Goals goals.  The point of this is to teach my body to behave like a normal gay man's body, and I am on my way.  I repeat, I am on my way, I am healing, change is happening. I have routed just aboit every imaginable emotion to the need for PMO. 

Remove the P, I can expect some unexpected urges to MO.  I acknowledge that MO may slow my recovery time. And I need to build in some healthy coping mechanisms to disarm the urge, distract the attention, and give it a chance to heal.  Im not giving myself blanket MO hall passes here, just trying to stay focused.  First no P or PSubs. Then 90 days hard mode or as much as I can handle while my healing continues. Right now I see that on day 10 hard mode, I've relapsed on two different cycles.  That in itself is learning.  Im making a day full of plans 10 days from now.  I will be  otherwise occupied that day.  In order to reach 90, I need to reach 11.

I can see that my perspective is moving all over the place.  Im glad I'm getting this down in a journal, this will be useful for my growth as I look back . I began this entry with the day im on in my recovery... 23.  I have a counter in my signature that reports 23 days since I watched porn, 6 hrs since my last O.  Although I have a spreadsheet documenting my recovery,  my main goal right now is to start living my life. So my journals will hopefully reflect that too.

Always, we begin again.

emotional.  I think I emptied out my libido yesterday.  Reading Wack by Noah Church. It's going to be a good day.

 

[blinker12]

Thanks for your journal, BlueSun! I'm a gay man about your age (41) at the beginning of my own reboot. Will look forward to continuing to read about your path.

 

[BlueSun]

I looked at my counter and the date for the last MO was wrong by one day.  I sighed and thought, 90, 91, I really need to work on #11 first. Decided not to mess with it.  I think that my obsession with the number of days feels less important.

As for MW or any activity down south, back to the shriveled actionless sleeping soldier. Waiting for the chaser, so far so good, but I've heard its rough. I keep having these thoughts of what I would have looked like on my 3 MO binge day had someone entered the room.  Hungry  desperate in need of a fix.  I imagine myself standing there looking down at myself, elated that my body was working without P with touch alone after SO LONG, but more and more disappointed as one MO trial run turned into a 3 time marathon performance.  One just wasnt enough.

But the disappointment is short lived.  Compassion takes its place soon after.  How many years have I stuffed every uncomfortable emotion into this activity.  In some ways, my body is just doing what it knows how to do to deal with whatever.  I havent given it new routines yet.  Havent given it new outlets, new tools.  Ive only taken some away. 

Not using P isnt the big deal at the moment. Figuring out what to do with the cravings as my brain rewires, finding healthy means of reaching joy, and of blowing off steam, in essence, the other 98% of my life that addiction drew its power from

I had no idea that receiving messages in my inbox would be as supportive as it is.  No.  Idea.  Or that seeing a post on my story, hearing 'yeah, man, me too'. 

I read stories of fathers who are raising sons and daughters.  And the fathers aee getting unhooked.  And wondering when or if its time for the subject to be breeched and what that will look like.

I read stories of HCOD and oh guys I feel for you! I cannot even imagine.  How scared, lonely, how broken it must seem. 

And most importantly, I read success stories of all of these situations.  Cases where all of it was reversed.  All of it.  That is a rare deal in life.  A rare deal indeed.

Stay strong gay men!  Stay strong straight men!  Lets give this some time to work, keep our eyes on the future, on recovery, on each others success stories.  When were on the other side, again centered in our sexual beings, then we can look back and go, phew! And know we did it together.

 

[BlueSun]

Check in for the day.  Slow and steady.

 

[BlueSun]

Day 26 according to my counter. 

But my reboot didn't begin 26 days ago.

Throughout over a dozen years of my marriage, my ability to have sex declined.  ED, DE. As time progressed, my partner and I accepted other forms of intimacy, open relationship,  and grow more closely together.  All the while, PMO continued, without bounds.  From time to time, I started to get shocked at what I was watching. That only continues and deepens. Yet despite all efforts, I end up watching and jerking off to the same or more diaturbing shit, if not the next day, then shortly thereafter. 

5 years ago, having discovered YBOP, having decided to abstain, I lasted about 7 days. The porn was generally always there, at least a few times a week. I grew tired of member sites so quickly...

2 years ago having decided that sex with other people was just too fricking complicated and I was over it, and having also realized that a few years prior I had tried to quit and I didn't last very long, I take a 180 and hooked up with someone on a camping expedition who became my 2nd partner (1st partner is my husband).  Sex ensues. Hormones fly. 

8 months ago when I realized I needed to put physical intimacy, specifically sex on hold with my 2nd partner, that indeed porn was an issue.  My husband supported me.  My 2nd boyfriend stops returning my calls. Disturbing porn tastes continue.  Member sites just dont cut it.  Men who were completely gorgeous were barely registering on my peen-ometer. Straight videos started looking good.  Disturbing.

A few months ago, still distracted by my breakup w my 2nd partner, I decide once again that sex w people isnt worth it. Why not just give in to porn.  Let it have me.  So I do.  PMO begins to happen while Im entirely soft. If I even get an erection, its just before an O, and thats a big IF. Most of the time, I've adapted to masturbating soft.  It starts to bug me.  No porn makes me react.  I fight to O.  Sometimes I lose.  I begin to believe my libido is gone.  But for some reason, im still surfing porn.  Just dont bother trying to masturbate as often.  Why bother? it only works a third of the time anyhow. 

A little over a month ago, more YBOP reading. I had a 7-day no pmo, no mo week which was relatively easy.  Easy enough for me to begin doubting.  So I then followed by a test run PMO.  When I next considered rebooting, 5 days of Pmo had passed, 1 per day, barely aware of how long it had been. Erect on the first day.  Soft on all of the rest.  Im broken.

So, 26 days ago was my last reset, and when I consider this journey to have really begun. Again.

I take meds to stabilize bipolar.  I've been super balanced for at least 8 months.  There is this little depression and anxiety test that my psychiatrist gives me each visit.  The higher the number, the more severe the symptoms.  Before meds, I was high teens, pretty heavily depressed. Since I balanced out I've hung out at around a 4, barely even on the scale.  It was a huge triumph in my life, a relief after years of ick.

I mention this because during the last 8 months, that 4 has been my badge of pride.  I take the quiz once a month when journalling just as a check in.  4 or 5.  Pretty low. The two or three hours I flush away to porn dont really register as time.  I dont count it towards or against my mood.  I keep it isolated. 

Except for the weeks after I reset.  The first time I quit was no big deal.  But the one that began this 26 day run began with a roller coaster of moods, which didnt really level out until a day or two ago.

I wanted to recap it here because as time goes on, it gets fuzzier and fuzzier. 

My numbers would fluctuate throughout the day. That basically translates into dramatic mood swings.  From elated and triumphant, to feeling worthless and wasted.

So in addition to the roller coaster of moods, week 1 and 2 was a real weenie shrinker.  I read about it, thought it was strange, and then it happened and quite honestly its the strangest damn thing.  And the urge to watch porn wasn't there at all.  But I noticed the pull.  The novel I was reading was building up to a steamy scene between hunky guy number one and hunky brooding guy number two.  And as I felt what was the first stirring down there in days, and the urge to go back and reread the scene nice and slow... I deleted the book. 

Turned to some of my favorite sci-fi, and found myself craning to see the main character's butt.  I knew there was a fleshy scene coming up. Turned it off. Removed it from my queue. Sure cute characters on TV are nice, but for now, I need to say no.

I didnt like facing these truths about where I was at those moments, about how wide reaching this had become.  About how dopamine hungry I had become.

I spent some time reading these forums.  Found myself focusing on the posters that were obsessing about MW, WD and the like.  Tuned my sights to a few of the recoverers who had lots of days of recovery.  Gave myself permission to skip paragraphs about the penis-obsessed.  But all in all it was because I was, in fact, penis obsessed. 

My world went topsy turvy.  I found myself always checking out other guys all the time. On tv.  In life.  When did I become this?

The flatline continued and I felt like I needed to test waters.  I tried MO with sensation only, not fantasy.  Two days later another session, despite having decided to lay off.  I realized I was hesitating to commit to hard mode.  That the thought really hadn't even been considered very deeply.  Thanks to some gentle but persistent convincing (thanks guys) I realized hard mode worked for others, it would work for me. I needed to commit.  I committed.

I had no chaser effect, or week three was flat-ish with nothing noticeably strange, other than I was grumpy, bitchy, tired, sore, and angry at my lot in life.  I tried to make it positive. 

10 days after my previous MO I had another MO, this time 3 times in a day.  WOAH!  I broke my commitment.  I proceeded to beat myself up a lot, grinding into the discomfort of failure, anxiety, misery and doom, waaaay out of proportion to what happened. This time my MOs started off completely soft even, had to fight to O.  The third one included fantasy.  Then I felt sorry for myself for a bit.

Some more gentle and loving encouragement from fellow rebooters.  Tears.  Maybe a grain of acceptance.  Flats ensued.  Shrinkage continued. 

And now its day 26.

I sat down to write this.  I wanted a summary, a 4th week tallly.  Opened a browser window.  Realized how easy it would be to enter in the habitual two or three addresses that usually provided the gateway to tons of tabs, full of alluring novelty, and if history serves any tell, another binge.  That I could watch a video or two, not tell anyone, delete my account here, just dissappear,  not talk about it.  PMO some more.

I sat down to write this.  And instead of watching porn, I did write this.

One of the friends I opened up to about this has been at a measured distance since. I judge him secretly for that, in anger and a false sense of betrayal.

I saw a picture of myself, one that my mom had sent me in a card the other day.  I'm probably 8 or 9.  Not tainted, nor tarnished, nor jaded, nor calloused.  Innocent and as yet not addicted to anything except for perhaps playing in the sunshine on warm summer days, riding my bike, playing with the dog.

I am working through the shame of this now, facing the reality of having my sexual instincts hijacked by a superstimulus that my brain wasn't built to withstand.

I want to blame it on the pedophile bastards who abused me as a child, or on the boyfriends that I had that were jerks, on the inability of our culture to understand and embrace our sexual (and therefore animal) nature, on the fundamentalists of any religion whose black and white broad sweeping strokes have knocked down or blotted out the outliers, the marginal few who sometimes do make a difference.  I want to peg it on the priests to whom I made confession, whose limited understanding of grace and neurochemistry left me questioning my will to live on the eve of the opening of my closet door with only a copy of the vengeful psalms, the Hail Mary and a useless icon of a dead saint who, several hundred years ago was sanctified for hating the Jews and the Muslims with Christian abandon.  I want to blame it on anything that isn't me, as if the blame were equal to the resolution, which in only rare cases is true.

It isn't something that can be removed, like a rotting tooth or a tumor, cannot be corrected with lenses or a brace.  I cannot call out my challenge from the rooftops, for those few men who would even be willing to admit to discussing such a tender topic, could rarely understand how hard it is to stop surrendering after a lifetime of servitude. 

I can't tell most of my friends I've been porn free for almost a month but that holding off of masturbating has been a bigger challenge.  To even begin to breach the topic could be construed as insulting, inappropriate,  perverted, or worse. I cannot say this was a better day than yesterday,  but I had to delete my facebook because my brain chemistry was seeking its next fix since I removed its former source. I keep silent about my progress, and place another gold foil star on the calendar on my wall at work.

What I can do is continue to write, here and in my journals.  I can witness others in recovery gain their life, their power, their intimacy back.

And probably most importantly, and the most difficult, I can wait. For this is day 26. With just about a lifetime to go.

 

[Phase2]

Good post, Blue Sun. Keep writing, clearly that helps you.

It's good that you dumped Facebook. I know a lot of people who are suddenly seeing that Facebook is not a healthy addition to their lives. I've stopped using it too.

I used the K9 blocker-- it also allows you to add specific websites that you know will be triggering. I put in a couple of my old chat room/hook up sites. Knowing that I can no longer go there even if I wanted to brings me a measure of peace. There is less struggle. You may want to add that to your arsenal if you think it will help fortify you.

Personally, I've told most of my good friends that I've stopped watching porn. I don't get into ALL the details, but I make it clear how damaging it can be. I think it's helpful to spread the word. After all, the fewer gay men with PIED, the better for all of us!  8)

Stay strong this week. Keep going!

 

[BlueSun]

Thanks Phase 2 - writing has always been therapy for me, it feels good to let it out.  I spent today meditating on my need/desire/impulse to 'shout it from the rooftops'.  I agree, spreading the word is going to be helpful, eventually.  At the moment, with as much mental energy directed towards rewriting my neurochemistry and all the life realizations that come with yanking away one of the crutches I used to hide, shelter, avoid... I really think I'm looking for a buddy in my personal life that can just be a witness to me.  For now, that need is directed to this forum.  It may be time for online meetings, or perhaps local in-person ones. 

I am glad the dating and hookup apps and sites never became a part of my story.  They always felt so arbitrary and fake to me.  The thought of a random hookup based on looks alone just doesn't register.  That doesnt mean I will be immune to it tho.  My libido and desire to be intimate in the flesh is pretty damaged, as things heal, who knows what will develop?

 

[BlueSun]

And I begin again

 

[Phase2]

Keep going Blue Sun. You whacked off once in 30 days. That wasn't your goal, but give it up for those 29 days you were on point. Yep, just start again. Learn from what triggered you, make adjustments and carry on.

 

[BlueSun]

Phase2, exactly what I needed. Thanks!

Tough day, resistance feels low.  Must be the chasers.

 

[Phase2]

I also wanted to add that for anyone who is new to this, or having a little bit of a struggle like Blue Sun, I think a great thing to do is visit William's thread. Start from the beginning and read everything he posts. He offers great insight in a very approachable, clear way. And he clues you in to all the important videos and thinking that will help you reboot successfully. It's long--I don't think I've ever read too much of it, but I decided to start from the beginning today. I like to fine tune my reboot to stay on course and figured this would be a great way to do it. Cheers to all. Have a productive weekend. Click here:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

 

[BlueSun]

Thank you.  It's on my reading list.

Gary Wilson's book is on its way.  I figured a print copy would be suitable.  I also ordered one of the black and white Kindles with hardly any function other than reading. 

Another relapse last evening.  I had decided to MO, and I went on autopilot.  Rational mind switched off.  The whole time I was thinking about the graphic in YBOP that has a zig zag from failure to failure until finally reaching success. 

And I woke up with considerable fibromyalgia pain.  I think there's a connection. 

So this morning, a purification ritual, rededication, and just moving on. I'm considering stepwork on this.  This morning I wanted to find some emotional or psychological reason for yesterday's relapse.  I stopped.  I'm addicted to the dopamine rush.  That's reason enough.  Im sure more will come of it.  For now, however, I need to get through the chaser days in abstinence. Then I can psychoanalyze it all I want. 

 

[BlueSun]

Ok. Day 1.  I'm gonna do this.

As I read the posts in the beginning I noticed how many were over 90, 180, 360... Today I'm noticing how many have multiple reboots. 

I have the will.  And this is cunning, so cunning.
Looking forward to Mr. Wilsons book.  No real focus today.  Eat.  Nap.  Pet the cat. Talk to my husband.  Watch movie.  Repeat.

I'm actually looking forward to going to work. Time passes at work. 

 

[BlueSun]

Day 1 still (and again)

There is definitely a connection between my last double relapse and fibromyalgia pain.  Dopamine connection?  Likely.  I haven't worked in any kind of fitness routines into my life. I have plenty to choose from, yoga, tai chi, hell I could even go to the gym.  It would be a first, but since I'm rewriting my story, maybe I will.  The urge to do nothing is, well all too familiar.  I've become a complacent couch potato.  I am seeing this in my new found free time.

Today I took a nap so I could just take a break.

I've been taking an online class in my spiritual tradition.  Recently the topic has been one that i have very little interest in.  I found myself wanting to want to like the material, which I've been through on a cursory level. I really just do not connect with it at all and would like to move on to the next area.  I wrote a few paragraphs about it (you may have noticed writing my thoughts is something that comes pretty easy to me). I posted them to the discussion forum, there.  I have enough to focus on here without trudging through folklore which I barely enjoy.

In the end, my spiritual path must be reflexive, dynamic, capable of keeping up in a world of tech, where a tweet is a whole thought and high speed video has been like a drug -- I must be able to connect to my higher self as well as my animal self as well as my thinking self as well as the past as I remember it and the future I am creating.  That is happening in this recovery. No amount of mythology is going to make this journey any easier.  I must face myself, build back up my ability for rational thinking, the ability to stop this cycle without sinking into it's quicksand again. 

The first time, of my years of coming out, the church rejected me.  This last time when I returned to a sect that accepted me for who and what was, I didn't leave having rejected the path; rather I saw the very strong foundation that my beliefs had built for me, and then parted ways amicably knowing it simply wasn't my story any more.

Since then I've found another more supportive path.  I told some of the core group what I was going through, add they have been very supportive.

Finally, I am angered by the numbers of acquaintances that have that, if I stopped calling them, I would hardly ever hear from.  One person has asked about my leaving Facebook.  1/200. Sure I told some of the folks I see regularly, but still that's a lot of no contacts.  I'm not sure what, if anything, I'm going to do about it.

Admitting to myself has both built up and knocked down my self esteem.  I feel stronger because I've found one of the root causes of some pretty serious life deficiencies, and already I have seen some of them improve.  Simultaneously I look at what I have become, at the damage it has done to my brain, to my sexuality, to my relationships, friendships... It makes me feel unclean, tainted, ugly, corrupted.  I've read others with similar sentiments.  And getting my life back is a long, slow road.

 

[blinker12]

It's really interesting all the insights that come from going off porn and masturbation. I guess like any addiction/habit, when you stop doing it, all the difficult thoughts you're trying to obscure become clearer.

Thanks for sharing your journey BlueSun! I'm glad you're not being too hard on yourself.

 

[BlueSun]

Thanks Blinker!

I was looking at my PMO spreadsheet this morning.  I have been having relapses (either PMO, or MO even though I'm supposed to be hands off for now) between 6 and 10 days after my first clean day (9, 10, 10, 6).  It looks like week 2 is where I need the big-time support.

Quitting Alcohol was different.  I stopped.  And then I was done.  Never went back. 

This is more like quitting smoking.  I'd stop.  Then start.  Then stop.  Then start.  Fortunately, I never quit quitting.  And that's what I have to do here.  Never quit quitting. 

I will beat this.  I will BEAT this.  I WILL BEAT THIS!

I'm headed over to porn addicts anonymous, to create an account and get started there.  Each relapse, I want to introduce another layer of support, till I find the right combination to keep me clean enough to survive the reboot without dashing myself upon the rock of relapse.

The insights are coming in aplenty.  But they're not worth much if they don't help me stay clean. 

 

[BlueSun]

I spent all day thinking I was on day 5.  Nope. Day 2. 

Today I'm grateful for this forum and for you who read and share with me.

Today was long. Flatline, but it's good. In fact I'd rather stay in the flats for a bit. Today as I was driving home I saw a very attractive guy in the crosswalk. Nothing special really, dress shirt, pants, just a normal guy.  And there was a low rumble at my root.  Almost like butterflies or that feeling when I look down from a high place, except not scary.

Is this what attraction feels like? I have no friggin clue.  It could be attraction, could be reboot misfires, dopamine surges.  I realized that since the very first time I could, I have completely drained myself of sexual energy. I've kept the tank close to empty.  I don't even know what recharged feels like.  I haven't let myself feel it yet. Ever.

All this in the time it takes for an unaware average fellow to cross the street before me.

Light turned green, and I continued on my way.

 

[BlueSun]

Day 2 still.
Gary Wilsons Your Brain On Porn.  Read the forward.
Today I wanted to look up nude pictures of movie stars.  That used to be an onramp for me.  Contemplating a net filter.

Reading.  Then stepwork I think.
But for now I call it a day.

Another nofap day.  Hell yes!

 

[BlueSun]

I've made it through the work day today with very little mental effort.  Good focus, like laser sharp.  It's evening, my throat glands feel swollen, maybe a cold coming on.  But I'm ok.

Absolutely no one has really mentioned my deleted Facebook.  And I've stopped calling the friends I talk to only if I reach out first.  That apparently is more of a big deal to me than it is to the people whom it's been 6 months since our last chat.  I'm at the point in my life where it needs to be an exchange.  At least a little effort on their part. 

So some jasmine iced tea and a muffin with one of my fabulous nieces.  And maybe a trip to the bookstore for a bonus round.

Today, no libido, no real activity in the pelvic expanse, except for the shocking and disturbing shrinkage which boggles my mind.  But if most days were like today, it would be good times.

Thank you fellow men!