This I vow (until it sticks ). Gay Male 44

[BlueSun]

Dreamt of relapse last night. I don't remember what my dream relapse porn of choice was, but I remember dreamthinking 'f**k now I have to reset my counter again".  I woke up grateful that it was just a dream. It was kinda awesome.

My laser point focus yesterday was an illusion.  It felt laser sharp, but in execution, not so much. Had a few missed details here and there, stuff I normally don't miss.  Like not putting my laundry in the dryer after the wash cycle  (dammit had to rewash) agreeing to do things but not writing them down (a subtle version of lying) and eating an entire box of girl scout thin mints mindlessly while I toiled away on a problem I was fixing (seriously, the WHOLE BOX). 

I admire the brutal honesty in this forum. Maybe it's the anonymity.

I've taken the focus of recovery off my dick, off of getting off, and off of porn. Focusing on what life looks like with all that extra space to fill. 

I'm feeling free from my libido.  I know it will return, but there's a strange comfort in having the switch turned off. And the stupid little tricks my mind has been playing to get me to search for nudie pics, my porn onramp, also waning.  But better is that I'm reading books. Real books. Really reading. How many hundreds and hundreds of hours I tossed away (literally).  In that time I could have worked a second job, written a novel, gotten a phd, become a guitarist, or finally beat Skyrim on my Xbox.  Wasted wasted time.

So I read some Stephen King last night.  It felt good to feel good. 

I handed my phone to a friend today to show him what the new OS looks like.  No fear of accidentally saved pics, videos, or cached search phrases.  Clean phone.  Clean mind.

I've been reading posts lately with a special interest in folks who defend their 'need' to continue to M and/or O during their reboot.  And I look back at my journal, and note that I did just that.  And I look at the counters of those who don't stick to hard mode.  Bouncing in and out of resets, in and out of good/bad days.  Exactly like my first month.  'Testing' my equipment in the shower, before bed, praying for MW.  Sure some of them make it.  And a lot continue to bounce.

It reminded me of something my AA sponsor once shared with me.  The topic of the meeting that day had been non-alcoholic beer, whether it was ok to drink it or not, and bars, whether it was ok to Continue going to dance clubs and just not drink. 

It was a heated discussion.  And it was a Gay AA meeting, so there was a good share of chiffon and flames all round, and positively EVERYONE was right.

At the end face to face with my sponsor I began to defend nearbeer and dance clubs. Up till then they were cornerstones of my social life (or the closest approximate allowing me to proudly proclaim that by the 10th day of my sobriety I had fully conquered my addiction to alcohol, and was cured). To give them up felt like Too Much of a sacrifice.  Not only could I Not drink, but I was being asked to Not go to the only place I had ever known that provided an opportunity to meet potential sex partners, future ex husbands, lovers, whatever.  It felt like I was losing more in my sobriety than I had lost using.  Wasn't it just enough to Not Drink?

I relapsed. For a week.  I don't remember anything at all about that week.

The answer to the question was no. It wasn't enough.

Sure the idea of celibacy, chastity, Brahmicharya, abstinence, hard mode seems scary.  It terrifies the living shit out of me.  I have no idea if I can do it.  Or what my 'normal' sexuality is like. Or if I'll regain the ability to enjoy sex with another man again, or if I'll even have the friggin opportunity, or will want it. Or how long it will take to reach 90 days. 

But what I can say is, I have yet to read the account of someone who endured hard mode who said that it was a waste of time.

I can say that closing the blinds, moving the cat to the end of the couch, and laying there with my neck always in the most uncomfortable position, paranoid listening down the hallway for my husband so I could zip back up and close my browser, jerking what hadn't been an erection in months, hoping the next morning that I hadn't come to work with dried spooge on my pants or in them, years since I've had sex with my husband, only one other partner in more than a dozen years which also ended up in a failure to launch situation, depressed, isolated, alone, feeling soiled, worthless, promising myself to stop but always going back, disgusting myself with ever escalating smut which I wouldn't share in confidence with even the closest of friends... The list could and does go on.  Click on anyone's post in this forum and I see myself reflected in the struggle.

"Do you want to get sober and stay sober or not?" Asked my sponsor finally as I returned hung over and foggy.  "Are you willing to go to any length to stay clean?"

"Yes," I said.  I was probably lying.  Lying came easy to me then.

"90 meetings in 90 days.  If you feel like going dancing, go to a meeting instead.  And don't mess around with non alcoholic beer.  It will just remind you of what you aren't doing."

90.

The number I've committed to in hard mode. I'm not going to suffer because I haven't had an O. What a stupid f**cking lie  I was telling myself.  I've never read anyone post that they've gone 90 days in hard mode and regretted it.  Do I want to heal or not?  Am I willing to go to any length to take my power back.

"Yes."

I don't think I'm lying this time.

 

[Branch]

"It was a heated discussion.  And it was a Gay AA meeting, so there was a good share of chiffon and flames all round, and positively EVERYONE was right."

Funniest line I've read on this forum.  An LOL moment!  Great stuff!

 

[BlueSun]

Day (yesterday + 1)

Overall good day.  Busy. Full. I'm tired and want to sleep for 10000 hours.

My spreadsheet says I started nearly 7 weeks ago.

It also tells me there's almost a week between me and my last relapse.  Extra effort to succeed past my previous goal.

I'm feeling lonely tonight. And I want to be alone. Ambiguity not that helpful.

So extra plans for the next 5 days to get me through.

Reading ybop and little book of change.

Boys, I have no wisdom to share, just grateful that I go to bed having spent the day being who I want to be and doing my best.

Nite nite

 

[BlueSun]

Semi MW.  This is a great way to start the day.

And, that is a little fucked up. But joy comes when joy comes.

Last night I began to obsess about the fact that my counter and my spreadsheet differ by a day and some odd hours.  As if on day 95 there will really be a significant difference if it's really 96.  Maybe I'll count weeks instead. Or maybe I'll accept that the number of days is a nice distraction but in reality I'm in this for the long haul, whether I maintain accounting records in milliseconds or lunar months.

Today is full. Am to pm.  Mothers day, phone calls, trip to the market, then belated Beltane ritual that I'll be actively leading a portion of.  I want to spend the day doing nothing but that road leads to the dark side, Luke.

And it's time to form a fitness plan. My midsection could use a little tightening and my arms are puny.  43 year old puny arms are kinda ick.

It may be tattoo time. A rite of passage as it were...

 

[Phase2]

Hi Blue Sun. I've been following your progress for awhile now....you seem to mention these spreadsheets and counters a lot. I wonder why? Maybe you should just get rid of them. They don't matter. If they are causing you anxiety you can very easily delete them and move on from that. Just stay the course. Stay hardmode. That's all ya gotta do!

Have a good weekend buddy.

 

[BlueSun]

I posted this on another rebooters journal, but it's kind of where I'm at today so putting it here too...


Hi there... I think we're all building this bridge as we walk on it, to appropriate a book title that probably has nothing to do with this.

I wrote a long goodbye letter to porn as if I were parting with a friend. It was cheesy and eloquent and touching and a little over the top but I needed to say goodbye.  In a way it had always been there when I felt lonely, afraid, anxious, bored, restless, joyful, and even (interesting that I remembered this last) horny.  Although I couldn't remember any meaningful moments of my time with porn, I have a trillion memories of the guilt, shame, remorse, elation, confusion, shock, doubt, disbelief, suprise, letdown of the jizz cleanup routine, which involved trying to not get it everywhere, unhinging my back and neck from whatever contortion I held, and of course trying to preserve another piece of clothing when I had already gone through two t shirts, a pair of jeans, and another pair of clean shorts  with my latest culminations.

So those pathways linger. And I find the more I open up about them, the more Light I shine on them, the less power they have. And then to know for certain that this little prison I've been trapped in was much larger, and held more men with the same torment, and that I could write it here and for once accept it myself, know that most of the guys here know the score cuz they've been there too.

Along the way, I am realizing my mind still thinks that MO is the way to make it go away when one of the above reasons to pmo crop up.  When I removed the P I thought the MO would be under control. But so far, so early in my recovery, M or O leads to MO leads to PMO and I'm not quite ready for that.

But in realizing the feeling that I need to M, I've tried to pause, maybe go outside, and figure out where it started, what was the beginning of the craving.  Yesterday, I realized it was because my back was really sore. I wanted to feel better.  Last week, when I relapsed, It started with 'fuck it' and I stopped wanting to try. Stopped wanting to fight, to struggle in this battle.  I was mentally and physically beat.  I didn't have remorse after, in fact I went to sleep and slept for a long time. I'm now wondering what would have happened if I had just taken a nice long nap instead of a fap and a nap.

I don't think every craving means there's a physiological or psychological need behind it.  But I do know that taking better care of myself is a part of this work. So as a part of the rewire, if I start down the "I need to M" onramp, even if it ended in MO, stopping and making sure my needs are met, that I'm not hanging onto emotional shit or trying to get a high because I'm tired of feeling like I do, or even just tired.

I am Leary because days 7-10 have been days where I've broken my agreement with myself to be hands-off-the-junk and to give the ole libido a rest by M, then MO, then PMO.  I'm posting often. I'm building a relationship of trust with myself after having treated myself pretty grossly.  And I don't know what is on the other side of day 10.  I imagine I could give up broccoli for 90 days no problem.  This, though, this is hard. My resistance is low, though each day the resistance muscles are strengthening.

My inner child and inner adult yearn to hear male mentors tell me that I have what it takes, that I can do it, that I am enough.  That a scraped knee and a black eye are sometimes part of learning to play ball.  And that it is precisely when the game begins to get tough, the vote of confidence from our team is what helps us stand up and run even faster to home base.

YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES.
YOU CAN DO IT
YOU ARE ENOUGH

I'm rooting for you,

bluesun

 

[BlueSun]

"These pioneers began to take control of their behavior and steer for the result they wanted. They saw the gains from consistency without panicking about setbacks, which they accepted with greater self compassion." Your Brain on Porn page 4.

 

[Branch]

BlueSun,

I've had thoughts of needing to say goodbye to porn through some sort of ritual, but felt foolish so pushed them away.  But reading that you wrote a letter to porn to say goodbye, I didn't think that was foolish at all.  Quite the opposite--it seemed powerful in a way.  I think it's something I need to do, too.  Good idea. 

 

[BlueSun]

Here is an edited version, the parts that out of context wouldn't make sense removed or rewritten...
----------

I dedicated myself to the Goddess until the end of my days.  In my initiation my old life, like a snakeskin, crumbled and fallen away was gone. But its pattern, still lived in my cells.  I didn?t transcend my animal self, I embraced it.  I didn?t transcend my humanity, I fell in love with it.  And that is why when I asked [...] that the hammer of the gods assist me in tempering myself into an instrument of awesome blessings, it began straightaway. I could see the sex[uality in my soul...] chipped, pitted, corroded.  And slowly now, I begin building the fires which will finish the job.

It hurts.  My soul is tired, I am weary, and there is nothing easy about this.  In the same way that Drugs, Alcohol, and Tobacco were my best friends for so long, traveled with me as constant companions through the peaks and valleys of my formation: at certain points, I had to say goodbye to each, and part with them ? my beloved ones, my totems, my would-be assassins. And so it is with this, my imaginary pixelled lovers, who never existed, but were always there.  I have no meaningful memories of our times together, but I know that we were never far from one another.  You swallowed me whole, like Ouroboros, there was no end or beginning of us. And it is with this image that I must turn from you, and walk away.

 

[fyg]

BlueSun,

I've had thoughts of needing to say goodbye to porn through some sort of ritual, but felt foolish so pushed them away.  But reading that you wrote a letter to porn to say goodbye, I didn't think that was foolish at all.  Quite the opposite--it seemed powerful in a way.  I think it's something I need to do, too.  Good idea.

Thumbs up to this!

Bluesun, thank you very much for posting in my journal. I just wanted to say 'I'm rooting for you too, man'. I wonder what's on the other side of 10 days for you too!

Will revisit your post in my journal, but thank you again man

 

[BlueSun]

Week 7 of my journey, beginning week 2 since my last relapse.

Maybe its the AA in me, but I really believe that in addition to abstaining from P, identifying resentments, burned bridges, regrets, triumphs, accomplishments and gratitudes are so very important.  Some guys post that it's about power of will and discipline.  It was my fricking will that got me here.  And the discipline of PMO, well I had that ALL worked out. I could focus on porn for longer than any other think in my life.  And now I must begin to act counter to my will in order to heal, to undo this.

But that's just me.  Maybe all of the AA stuff is just a good distraction to keep us focused enough to retool ourselves into more useful fulfilled people.  For all you guys out there that could decide your way outta this, I salute you.  For me it was surrender that empowered me, knowledge that bolstered me, peer support that kept me afloat and urged me to stand up, brush myself off and keep going.

And as for higher power... However many thousands of men who have joined together with one mind and one goal.... That in and of itself is a type of consciousness, with experiences, stories, momentum, and a future.  Each post I put here is a prayer to that mass consciousness.  It works for me.  Although from time to time I have a higher-higher power, every day when I tune in to RN, I am heard.  That's more than I can attribute with certainty to the Other.

I've been sorting out male role model stuff.  A good number of my male role models, well the ones who were supposed to be male role models, were weak men, narcissists and controlling. I was a sissy in a lot of ways, at the bottom of the food chain in school, had more female friends than male, and was aware of my first crush on another boy by the age of 8 or 9. I wasn't completely effeminate, but I lacked the competitive physical endurance that allowed my peers to play sports.  To top it off I didn't really like sports so much either.  So the male role models, after the obligatory baseball mit, then football, then volleyball, gave up trying to turn me into their protege, and I went up to my room to play on my computer, or read or whatever.

I was repeatedly sexually abused by some of them.  That left a stain on my soul that robbed me of my innocence before I even knew what it meant to be innocent.  It also gave me a mistrust of authority, and taught me how to stuff my feelings deeply, to keep things hidden so that no one could see in side of me. As I hit puberty, this is how I concealed my homosexuality, a feat I did so well, that I myself was convinced.  I don't think I became gay because I was being messed with by men, but I do think it messed with me in more ways than just physically. 

Even after I came out and tried to make up for years of repressed sexuality in double time, partner after partner, I felt like sex was something I was supposed to do for someone, rather than with them.  And I descended into porn. 

I'm at day 8 since my last O. Day 10 is my max so far.  On the other side of day ten (well, approximately 9 times past that) may lie the answer to what I really feel about sex. 

Maybe I will be happy staying mostly asexual, MO from time to time and leaving P in the past.
Maybe I will want to explore making love with someone rather than for them or to them.
Maybe I'll go for the occasional massage with a happy ending, having rarely finished at anyone else's touch but my own.
Maybe I will make love with my husband for a whole weekend on a vacation getaway, for the first time in years.
And maybe Ill have a few f*ck buddies, blow off some steam and come home to talk about it.

 

[BlueSun]

(continue)

But there's another piece to this dialog.

I knew these three guys who were total besties most of their lives. They each had girlfriends, were attractive, charismatic, muscular, talented, overall very very well balanced and respectable young men. 

One day I heard them talking about hanging out.  They were all cuddled up on the couch eating pizza and watching a movie.  Not a gay sex scene.  Just really really close and, I dunno, best friends who were comfortable enough with themselves and each other to be physically touching and not all freaked out about it.  In fact comforted by it.  Their girlfriends may or may not have joined in. Cuddling does not equal sex.  It blew my mind. I had no idea.

Ok so they were hot, yeah.  But the complexity and the depth of their friendship.  Aside from my husband, I cannot imagine.

Now I'm not saying I want a platonic cuddle buddy, although.... No wait, my imagination wandered a bit what I'm exploring is how I have a certain mistrust of powerful men, while at the same time I want to spend time with some, to bond, to be one of the guys.

My gay life has certainly made me comfortable hanging out with the girls.

When I remove sex from my life, I see thought I haven't thought in a long long time.

Wow, this journal entry is leaving me feel a little exposed. Brutally honest. That's my goal.

Another day porn free. 

Bluesun

 

[BlueSun]

Another day without porn.  A good one.

fyg mentioned that the 10 day thing is a testosterone spike.  I'm on testosterone b/c my nads went on strike.  I wonder if we're subject to testosterone spikes too.  In fact, I think i'm going to go back and mark my calendar with my bi-weekly dosage and see if there's a correlation. 

Today I did step one at pornaddictsanonymous.  ew.  talk about dredging up some stuff.  but i feel a little bit lighter.

a little.

Anyhow folks nite nite and dont quit quitting!

 

[BlueSun]

Holy crap - there may be a connection.  Each of my relapses (either MO or PMO) have happened within 7 days after testosterone injection day.  none of them have happened in the 7 days before.

 

[BlueSun]

My journal is getting a lot more reads than I expected.  Thanks guys!  I've been reading lyon03s journal, on page 19.  Based on his example, I am one hundred percent honest here. It is helping me bring that often brutal honesty into my life. There are many pieces of this that I didn't want to see.

I just finished a super long inventory of my relationship with porn throughout the years. Alongside that are snapshots of my sexual history.

Let's just say the theme of my chats with an accountability partner have focused on how in the long run despite getting a raw deal, it's how you play your cards that matters. 

I look back over my life. I imagine what it would be like if someone were to share this story with me, how it would sound in third person.  I was sad for that little boy that I was.  No one deserves to be mistreated. My childhood sucked.

And I cannot stay stuck there. Despite the circumstance many are addicted in the same way I am.  Despite the circumstance the way to heal is rebooting.  The personal work I do along the way is good, untangling knots is good, resolving resentments is good.  But staying pmo/mo free for a time, that's where it's at.  The self healing is a perfectly healthy focus while the brain reboot happens.  Reboot the brain.  Reboot the life.  Come clean. Become honest. 

I hate that we have to do this.  I want to demonize porn, to blame it for my condition, to have anything outside of myself be responsible for how I came to be here.  But regardless of where the blame may lie, the responsibility of recovery lies with me. 

---

Yesterday a new guy at work asked me to lunch.  He's a super muscly guy, very fit, and arms like crazy big.  He offered to help me get started working out.  I may have a new friend.  It was a good day. Out of ten, it was an 8.

It was also day nine.  Today is ten.  Tomorrow will be my first eleventh day and I'm really looking forward to it.  New territory.  There is more energy in me.  Like my tank was mostly empty most of the time. Tomorrow after work to celebrate day 11 I'm going to the gym and getting a membership.  The next phase of my reboot is to direct this healing and this extra mojo to my physical body.  She'd off the extra 20 pound spare tire I've been carrying around.  Get a physique that is fit enough to feel confident, which for me means under 200 pounds, flexibility, and maybe less puny arms and pecs.  A little more in the ass would be good to, so squats probably.  It's a project. I'm going to rework my diet a bit, and read some books to get started.  Set some goals that are attainable. 

I can do this. 

Another day porn free!

 

[BlueSun]

1/4 mast during shower time and it stayed that way for 15 min.

I am at once exhilarated and terrified.

 

[BlueSun]

So I responded to Fyg about a statement I made to the order of "M leads to MO, MO leads to PMO" and that its a too much for me.

Last night, I went to bed ready to face day 11 (for those of you not following along, around Day 10 has been my personally appointed relapse day).  I felt happy, satisfied in my performance.  I did some journaling earlier that day, but nothing last night, or it was so late, I don't remember. 

And I lay there doing what you may ask? (Well you probably wouldn't ask, I mean, why would you? But I'll tell you anyhow.)  Testing the frigging waters.  Does it work?  What if I touch it here, or like this or like that.  And I thought about what I had been writing here, and about my healing work, what it takes to push through this.  I stopped.

I am certain that if I weren't in flatline mode, that would have been a full-out MO session.  Fortunately the damn thing is only 1/4 mast, if even that much.  Thank Goddess for small miracles. 

Note to self:

Dear Bluesun

I know you are worried that you will not heal from this.  I know that you are afraid that you will never discover what 'normal' sexuality means.  Please take all the worry and doubt and fear and sink it into journaling or the gym or something constructive.  Really, just keep yourself busy for the next 10 weeks or so.  Let your brain do the work.  You may realize after your hard mode 90 is complete that you feel so good that you'll want to continue onward.

After all, look at how many examples you've seen here in these forums do exactly that.

Hands off the junk my friend.  I know you want to play with it.  There's plenty of time for that.  But not today.  And not tomorrow.  Heal first.  Give yourself the chance you deserve. 

I love you,

Bluesun.

Am I a sap or what ???

 

[fyg]

No man, you're not a sap. That is great! I'm proud of you, bud.

Respect!

 

[BlueSun]

After a very long day I can say I will hit the hay on day eleven with another clean slate. Told a little of my struggle to two friends today.  One is an AA and fellow pagan, she gets it.  The other was a risk.  I could have cause some damage to our friendship.

Truth is, this is a part of my story. 

I am not ashamed that I am taking steps to bring myself I to alignment with who I want to be.  I call it like it is. And although it was emotionally scary he heard me and got it.  I felt a connection that I had been walling off forever.

A part of myself, hidden from the sun, is now visible to me once again.  I was willing to risk the judgement because I need the support. If a friend can't hear it, I have to question if were really friends. Today, I'm grateful for that.

 

[fyg]

Honesty, woot! Alignment, woot! Day 12, woooot!

Peace & Respect!