NoFap Consciousness
- Thread starter Georgos
- Start date
So I had a serious psychotic relapse the past three weeks and haven't been posting, it is over now, thankfully.
I am on day 64 no P, day 165 no MO.
I experienced a lot during my psychosis, some of it interesting other parts terrifying. I don't want to revisit most of it and I can certainly do without psychosis in my life.
Once again I am thinking about where I am going in life. I had the longest spell of sanity in over twenty years, only to end in three weeks of psychosis again. I did next to nothing during that spell, except keep this journal.
A life of doing virtually nothing followed by periods of extreme altered perception is not what I really want, but then I don't know what I really want.
I still fantasize about being good at things, but always counter that by asking myself what's the point.
I am surviving for now as I am, doing nothing with bouts of psychosis. I am trying not to judge, the grass is always greener.
I am not really motivated by sex or money or any of the usual incentives, in fact I am not motivated by anything except a thirst for understanding.
I barely look after myself and worry a little about what will happen if I find myself on my own.
We will see what happens. I have experienced about ten different realities in the past three weeks, and I still feel that the slow repetitive life of leisure is the most healthy.
I know that I am very privileged to be able to spend so much time doing nothing, on the other hand I have suffered immensely from my condition over the years, and I feel ashamed that I am not able to contribute more.
My condition is bio-chemical, it stops me from working on one thing for more than a few minutes when I'm sane and takes me places that are completely dysfunctional when I'm not.
I want to recover so I can contribute more than just philosophy or words. I cannot even contribute mathematics instructions at the moment, despite years of training.
Having returned to sanity now, I once again am thinking about taking steps to increase my contribution, but largely this involves fantasizing about studying more, which is not really contributing anything.
I am thankful that I am still P and MO free and will make it to the end of the year clean.
I believe I have left this terrible addiction behind me now.
I still have many years ahead.
I should be thankful that I lasted so long with my sanity.
Life progresses, whichever way you look at it.
Thank you.
I am on day 64 no P, day 165 no MO.
I experienced a lot during my psychosis, some of it interesting other parts terrifying. I don't want to revisit most of it and I can certainly do without psychosis in my life.
Once again I am thinking about where I am going in life. I had the longest spell of sanity in over twenty years, only to end in three weeks of psychosis again. I did next to nothing during that spell, except keep this journal.
A life of doing virtually nothing followed by periods of extreme altered perception is not what I really want, but then I don't know what I really want.
I still fantasize about being good at things, but always counter that by asking myself what's the point.
I am surviving for now as I am, doing nothing with bouts of psychosis. I am trying not to judge, the grass is always greener.
I am not really motivated by sex or money or any of the usual incentives, in fact I am not motivated by anything except a thirst for understanding.
I barely look after myself and worry a little about what will happen if I find myself on my own.
We will see what happens. I have experienced about ten different realities in the past three weeks, and I still feel that the slow repetitive life of leisure is the most healthy.
I know that I am very privileged to be able to spend so much time doing nothing, on the other hand I have suffered immensely from my condition over the years, and I feel ashamed that I am not able to contribute more.
My condition is bio-chemical, it stops me from working on one thing for more than a few minutes when I'm sane and takes me places that are completely dysfunctional when I'm not.
I want to recover so I can contribute more than just philosophy or words. I cannot even contribute mathematics instructions at the moment, despite years of training.
Having returned to sanity now, I once again am thinking about taking steps to increase my contribution, but largely this involves fantasizing about studying more, which is not really contributing anything.
I am thankful that I am still P and MO free and will make it to the end of the year clean.
I believe I have left this terrible addiction behind me now.
I still have many years ahead.
I should be thankful that I lasted so long with my sanity.
Life progresses, whichever way you look at it.
Thank you.
So often after a psychotic relapse I have returned to P or PMO and now that I am pretty much sane again I have been having urges, quite serious urges. On top of this I am nearing two milestones, six months no MO and three months no P. Nearing milestones has also been a trigger in the past as I have had a tendency to sabotage my recovery just before I make it to my targets.
I have just been reading another text on how MO is healthy and pleasurable, though it doesn't mention P. Once again I wonder where my neurosis on PMO comes from. Smoking marijuana in my early teens probably acted to bring about the neurosis to some extent. Marijuana is notorious for making people paranoid. But my neurosis started before then.
I'm not really interested in psycho-analysing it any more. I have a moral compass that says that P is wrong, but I am wondering if I am not denying myself pleasure needlessly by not MOing. On the other hand I know that after MO I always feel terrible. P is wrong because of how the industry treats its workers and the false ideas it promotes about sex. MO is wrong for me because of how it makes me feel afterwards. Yet I can't help feeling that even sex is wrong for me.
I have a neurosis with regards to O and the associations I have built up around it. I am a paranoid schizophrenic. I don't think psycho-analysis can help much more at the moment, but taking a break from MO and stopping P completely can.
Reading about how almost all males MO and it is a natural part of growing up helps me to forgive myself and feel normal. But my reaction to MO reminds me that I am not normal. I don't know where this neurosis comes from and what I can do about it other than take a break.
I have been counting days for the past thirty odd years. It is only since joining this forum that I have started making it into the hundreds. Though there are many other people on this forum counting days, it does seem to me to be a neurotic pass time, an obsession with controlling one's urges rather than letting them play out naturally.
Being almost six months free of MO and three months free of P I am convinced that life is better. This despite the last month or so of psychosis. In fact I have just had the longest period of sanity I have had in almost twenty years.
I am getting better. It is probably best not to think about things too much.
I don't know what I am searching for, I have only had sex twice in my life, but that has ceased to bother me. I can live without P and MO, indeed as I said, life is better without them. As far as sex goes I don't know, but I have lived without it so far, so it doesn't really make much difference. I am in no position to start a family and I am realising that many people don't start families in life and this is still normal.
I just want to be grateful for the things I have and happy with myself, I also want to be judged a good person by other people, whatever that means.
Normality doesn't exist, we are all unique. I have had urges this past week, following my gradual recovery from a psychotic episode and in the approach to two milestones. I can ignore them.
Thank you.
I have just been reading another text on how MO is healthy and pleasurable, though it doesn't mention P. Once again I wonder where my neurosis on PMO comes from. Smoking marijuana in my early teens probably acted to bring about the neurosis to some extent. Marijuana is notorious for making people paranoid. But my neurosis started before then.
I'm not really interested in psycho-analysing it any more. I have a moral compass that says that P is wrong, but I am wondering if I am not denying myself pleasure needlessly by not MOing. On the other hand I know that after MO I always feel terrible. P is wrong because of how the industry treats its workers and the false ideas it promotes about sex. MO is wrong for me because of how it makes me feel afterwards. Yet I can't help feeling that even sex is wrong for me.
I have a neurosis with regards to O and the associations I have built up around it. I am a paranoid schizophrenic. I don't think psycho-analysis can help much more at the moment, but taking a break from MO and stopping P completely can.
Reading about how almost all males MO and it is a natural part of growing up helps me to forgive myself and feel normal. But my reaction to MO reminds me that I am not normal. I don't know where this neurosis comes from and what I can do about it other than take a break.
I have been counting days for the past thirty odd years. It is only since joining this forum that I have started making it into the hundreds. Though there are many other people on this forum counting days, it does seem to me to be a neurotic pass time, an obsession with controlling one's urges rather than letting them play out naturally.
Being almost six months free of MO and three months free of P I am convinced that life is better. This despite the last month or so of psychosis. In fact I have just had the longest period of sanity I have had in almost twenty years.
I am getting better. It is probably best not to think about things too much.
I don't know what I am searching for, I have only had sex twice in my life, but that has ceased to bother me. I can live without P and MO, indeed as I said, life is better without them. As far as sex goes I don't know, but I have lived without it so far, so it doesn't really make much difference. I am in no position to start a family and I am realising that many people don't start families in life and this is still normal.
I just want to be grateful for the things I have and happy with myself, I also want to be judged a good person by other people, whatever that means.
Normality doesn't exist, we are all unique. I have had urges this past week, following my gradual recovery from a psychotic episode and in the approach to two milestones. I can ignore them.
Thank you.
So I'm not having any urges anymore, but I am still worried at the back of my mind that I could be in danger of relapse, having just had another psychotic episode and approaching two of my targets.
I want to do at least a year of no MO and stop P for good.
I am on 179 days no MO and 78 days no P.
Coming back down to earth after my psychotic episode, I feel like I want to start again immediately where I left off with regards to personal development.
However I still need to rest.
I am not even thinking about trying to enter into a romantic relationship at the moment and there are no opportunities on the horizon.
I messed up a couple of opportunities whilst relapsing, and it made me realise that if I am ever going to get into a relationship I really need someone who can cope with my psychotic episodes.
Asking somebody to do this early in a relationship is probably not going to work unless they already have some experience of psychosis.
Anyway, as I said, I'm not really trying to start a relationship at the moment with anybody.
I want to see if I can do better than last time with regards to maintaining sanity. Last year was better than most and this year was the best in nearly twenty years. I will recover fully eventually.
I don't know what to do other than avoid triggers. I need to develop a better coping mechanism when symptoms do occur.
I've tried to find some books on the common symptoms that I tend to have, but couldn't find any. Indeed the only book on recovery from schizophrenia that I could find was someone who became a born again Christian.
I actually think that my recent engagement with Christianity was a bit of a trigger, as Malando warned me, though there was an element of healing crisis with regards to overcoming P. Also there were other more obvious triggers this time, like the sudden death of one of my friends.
At any rate, I'm staying away from the Church for the time being.
I'm surprised there aren't more books on overcoming schizophrenia. Perhaps it really is a lifelong condition that nobody recovers from, but I keep hearing of people who have. I want to know their experiences, how they managed to transcend the diagnosis and dysfunction.
Despite my recent psychotic episode, I'm doing better than ever and I am grateful for that.
I need to focus on the positive and move forward.
Thank you.
I want to do at least a year of no MO and stop P for good.
I am on 179 days no MO and 78 days no P.
Coming back down to earth after my psychotic episode, I feel like I want to start again immediately where I left off with regards to personal development.
However I still need to rest.
I am not even thinking about trying to enter into a romantic relationship at the moment and there are no opportunities on the horizon.
I messed up a couple of opportunities whilst relapsing, and it made me realise that if I am ever going to get into a relationship I really need someone who can cope with my psychotic episodes.
Asking somebody to do this early in a relationship is probably not going to work unless they already have some experience of psychosis.
Anyway, as I said, I'm not really trying to start a relationship at the moment with anybody.
I want to see if I can do better than last time with regards to maintaining sanity. Last year was better than most and this year was the best in nearly twenty years. I will recover fully eventually.
I don't know what to do other than avoid triggers. I need to develop a better coping mechanism when symptoms do occur.
I've tried to find some books on the common symptoms that I tend to have, but couldn't find any. Indeed the only book on recovery from schizophrenia that I could find was someone who became a born again Christian.
I actually think that my recent engagement with Christianity was a bit of a trigger, as Malando warned me, though there was an element of healing crisis with regards to overcoming P. Also there were other more obvious triggers this time, like the sudden death of one of my friends.
At any rate, I'm staying away from the Church for the time being.
I'm surprised there aren't more books on overcoming schizophrenia. Perhaps it really is a lifelong condition that nobody recovers from, but I keep hearing of people who have. I want to know their experiences, how they managed to transcend the diagnosis and dysfunction.
Despite my recent psychotic episode, I'm doing better than ever and I am grateful for that.
I need to focus on the positive and move forward.
Thank you.
Hi Georgos, I just want to say that I have been very impressed with your progress over the last year. Schizophrenia is not an easy thing to manage and contain - I've seen that within my own family. You have done a remarkable job to reduce your psychotic episodes to the degree that you have. That is through application of thought and effort. Alongside that, you have also made great progress in the PMO realm. So I just wanted to congratulate you on all that. I know the journey is not over, but it's good to take a moment to enjoy what you have accomplished once in a while.
As always, thank you for your words of support Malando,
I've been without a computer for the past few weeks and have just got it up and working again and as a result temptation has reappeared.
On top of this I have been Ming a little which has been feeding the urges.
I don't think psycho-analysing my fantasies would be a good idea at the moment. The only real issue I have with them is that they are tied up with identity politics and objectification.
There is something about deriving pleasure from engaging with things that we think are wrong that is very compelling. I have often heard it said that there are no rights or wrongs. At the very least everything is relative. However, I have come to realise that this is an absolutist position. In reality we always have a filter or topology through which we perceive distinct things, and this includes right and wrong. The topology may be arbitrary, we may be able to change our filter so we perceive things differently, but we always perceive some distinction of right and wrong.
Bringing more things into the realm of right action, refining the topology or filter so more is considered just, is where the compulsion comes from. Things are not absolutely right or wrong, but things are right or wrong to us, both individually and collectively. Pleasure binds us to things, but it doesn't make them right or wrong. By binding ourselves through pleasure to wrong things we hope to make them right.
I think the idea of right and wrong goes beyond polar opposites. There is something more, a further qualification, that distinguishes right from wrong. I intuitively know what it is, but I can't put it into words. As I said, through application of pleasure, we seek to expand what is right. To master wrongs so that we can call them right, in much the same way as violence is wrong, but martial arts is right. However, as I can't really put the distinction into words, I certainly can't say how wrongs become right through change of topology.
What I can say is that pleasure doesn't make things right or wrong, it merely binds us to them. Perhaps everything is wrong to some degree, but that is being absolutist again, right and wrong are relative.
I intuitively know what is right and wrong. I have a filter or topology through which I perceive these distinctions. There are two compulsions, pleasure and wanting to expand my horizons.
I am wondering if part of the problem I have with P is confusion about the relative nature of right and wrong. Even with a topology or filter, things are not absolutely one or the other. The topology is relative. I have competing instincts and washing them with dopamine release gives the impression of resolving them until the come down.
Thinking about it now, I think wrong things are things in a state of confusion or contradiction. In topological terms, a set that is both open and closed at the same time. This has also been my definition of violence.
I don't know how this relates to Zen koans.
I know that through pleasure we seek to resolve the contradiction, to reach synthesis.
Anyway, I think I'm trying to come up with a theory of everything again, which is impossible
Perhaps this is the point. There are always some contradictions present in our topology, even if it is only the end points, and there are always some wrongs which are not right. We cannot make everything right at once. Perhaps this is the significance of the Zen koans. We need to accept that there is wrong in life and leave it alone.
I am just writing to stave of the urges.
Thank you.
I've been without a computer for the past few weeks and have just got it up and working again and as a result temptation has reappeared.
On top of this I have been Ming a little which has been feeding the urges.
I don't think psycho-analysing my fantasies would be a good idea at the moment. The only real issue I have with them is that they are tied up with identity politics and objectification.
There is something about deriving pleasure from engaging with things that we think are wrong that is very compelling. I have often heard it said that there are no rights or wrongs. At the very least everything is relative. However, I have come to realise that this is an absolutist position. In reality we always have a filter or topology through which we perceive distinct things, and this includes right and wrong. The topology may be arbitrary, we may be able to change our filter so we perceive things differently, but we always perceive some distinction of right and wrong.
Bringing more things into the realm of right action, refining the topology or filter so more is considered just, is where the compulsion comes from. Things are not absolutely right or wrong, but things are right or wrong to us, both individually and collectively. Pleasure binds us to things, but it doesn't make them right or wrong. By binding ourselves through pleasure to wrong things we hope to make them right.
I think the idea of right and wrong goes beyond polar opposites. There is something more, a further qualification, that distinguishes right from wrong. I intuitively know what it is, but I can't put it into words. As I said, through application of pleasure, we seek to expand what is right. To master wrongs so that we can call them right, in much the same way as violence is wrong, but martial arts is right. However, as I can't really put the distinction into words, I certainly can't say how wrongs become right through change of topology.
What I can say is that pleasure doesn't make things right or wrong, it merely binds us to them. Perhaps everything is wrong to some degree, but that is being absolutist again, right and wrong are relative.
I intuitively know what is right and wrong. I have a filter or topology through which I perceive these distinctions. There are two compulsions, pleasure and wanting to expand my horizons.
I am wondering if part of the problem I have with P is confusion about the relative nature of right and wrong. Even with a topology or filter, things are not absolutely one or the other. The topology is relative. I have competing instincts and washing them with dopamine release gives the impression of resolving them until the come down.
Thinking about it now, I think wrong things are things in a state of confusion or contradiction. In topological terms, a set that is both open and closed at the same time. This has also been my definition of violence.
I don't know how this relates to Zen koans.
I know that through pleasure we seek to resolve the contradiction, to reach synthesis.
Anyway, I think I'm trying to come up with a theory of everything again, which is impossible
Perhaps this is the point. There are always some contradictions present in our topology, even if it is only the end points, and there are always some wrongs which are not right. We cannot make everything right at once. Perhaps this is the significance of the Zen koans. We need to accept that there is wrong in life and leave it alone.
I am just writing to stave of the urges.
Thank you.
So my last post didn't help, I relapsed on P after only 79 days. I am thankful that I am still MO and PMO free.
I don't feel anything really, nothing I looked at aroused me and I barely looked at anything.
I did it because I still feel aroused by certain distortions and felt compelled to search them out.
I think I do need therapy on these distortions.
I am not really attracted to just images of sex, I am attracted to perceptions of sexual power imbalances, of imbalances in the ability to give sexual pleasure and how that makes people feel.
This comes down to identity politics and objectification.
It started with me as a kid when my aunt would flirt with me and how that made me feel. Obviously she was an adult and I was very young. Thus there was a power imbalance. It progressed with me wanting to have sex at a young age with older women. And then evolved into ideas about imbalances in identity politics.
There is a natural order in which everything is in its proper place, but it is always in flux. Everything has a level, but everything is changing too. Unnatural orders are when things try to be in two distinct levels at once. How change happens is a mystery, but things don't occupy different levels at once unless they are in a wrong state.
Do things have to pass through a wrong state to reach a right one. Not necessarily. As I said in the previous post, there are always things passing through wrong states towards right ones. There is always corruption.
I was brought up to believe in revolution, passing through the wrong states, the corruption, towards synthesis, a new right state. I was brought up to seek to right power imbalances. But power imbalances are things in wrong states. The lesson of the Zen koans is that such states always exist. Acceptance of this, ignoring these states, this is the way to remain right, otherwise one is fighting.
I have been fighting myself over sexual power imbalances for years, trying to reach a synthesis. With P that can never happen, as P is objectively a thing in a state of contradiction, it is sex without love.
I have struggled with my own sexual life, as I have struggled to find the natural level that I occupy. This has been partly because of my heritage, being the son of a refugee from a foreign part embroiled in an anti-colonial war. Thus I have struggled to find how I fit in with society that is somewhat alien to my heritage. I am seen in part as an intruder, with no natural level, occupying a wrong position in society.
I am now back to day one of my P counter. I don't feel bitter. I didn't derive any pleasure from the brief flashes of P that I looked at. I am still doing better than ever. However I am still worried about how I am attracted to working through sexual imbalances with pleasure. I am still worried that I feel the urge to bind myself to sexual imbalances via pleasure. I am still worried that I cannot just ignore sexual imbalances and know my level, and I still feel this has a lot to do with my relationship with society and corruption in it.
Something about me sexually doesn't fit in, and it is because I cannot place myself. I don't feel comfortable either identifying wholly with my mother's ethnicity or my father's. I see them in conflict, not just because my parents aren't very affectionate towards each other, being more a working partnership, but because of the history of conflict between the two ethnicities.
Thus I keep returning to trying to work through this, when really I should just put it out of my mind. It is a trigger for my psychosis as well, indeed in my opinion the main root.
I know that I am much better ignoring these things. They are wrong and they will always be wrong until they are forgotten. Why I returned to them is out of a need to separate the pleasure that binds me to these things from the things themselves. Thus I practiced mindful looking at P briefly, trying to see it for what it really is.
I have not experienced much sexual love in my life, and my addiction to PMO has caused me to experience much sexual pleasure devoid of love.
Readdressing this does not require working through more sexual pleasure devoid of love, because one is not the anti-thesis to the other. I have to strive to experience sexual pleasure with love, and that will take a lot of forgetting of the past and building on the little positive experience that I do have.
It seems a daunting task given my age, but at the very least I can start to forget the wrong things in my life.
So back to day one no P. 180 days no MO.
I will keep moving forward.
Thank you.
I don't feel anything really, nothing I looked at aroused me and I barely looked at anything.
I did it because I still feel aroused by certain distortions and felt compelled to search them out.
I think I do need therapy on these distortions.
I am not really attracted to just images of sex, I am attracted to perceptions of sexual power imbalances, of imbalances in the ability to give sexual pleasure and how that makes people feel.
This comes down to identity politics and objectification.
It started with me as a kid when my aunt would flirt with me and how that made me feel. Obviously she was an adult and I was very young. Thus there was a power imbalance. It progressed with me wanting to have sex at a young age with older women. And then evolved into ideas about imbalances in identity politics.
There is a natural order in which everything is in its proper place, but it is always in flux. Everything has a level, but everything is changing too. Unnatural orders are when things try to be in two distinct levels at once. How change happens is a mystery, but things don't occupy different levels at once unless they are in a wrong state.
Do things have to pass through a wrong state to reach a right one. Not necessarily. As I said in the previous post, there are always things passing through wrong states towards right ones. There is always corruption.
I was brought up to believe in revolution, passing through the wrong states, the corruption, towards synthesis, a new right state. I was brought up to seek to right power imbalances. But power imbalances are things in wrong states. The lesson of the Zen koans is that such states always exist. Acceptance of this, ignoring these states, this is the way to remain right, otherwise one is fighting.
I have been fighting myself over sexual power imbalances for years, trying to reach a synthesis. With P that can never happen, as P is objectively a thing in a state of contradiction, it is sex without love.
I have struggled with my own sexual life, as I have struggled to find the natural level that I occupy. This has been partly because of my heritage, being the son of a refugee from a foreign part embroiled in an anti-colonial war. Thus I have struggled to find how I fit in with society that is somewhat alien to my heritage. I am seen in part as an intruder, with no natural level, occupying a wrong position in society.
I am now back to day one of my P counter. I don't feel bitter. I didn't derive any pleasure from the brief flashes of P that I looked at. I am still doing better than ever. However I am still worried about how I am attracted to working through sexual imbalances with pleasure. I am still worried that I feel the urge to bind myself to sexual imbalances via pleasure. I am still worried that I cannot just ignore sexual imbalances and know my level, and I still feel this has a lot to do with my relationship with society and corruption in it.
Something about me sexually doesn't fit in, and it is because I cannot place myself. I don't feel comfortable either identifying wholly with my mother's ethnicity or my father's. I see them in conflict, not just because my parents aren't very affectionate towards each other, being more a working partnership, but because of the history of conflict between the two ethnicities.
Thus I keep returning to trying to work through this, when really I should just put it out of my mind. It is a trigger for my psychosis as well, indeed in my opinion the main root.
I know that I am much better ignoring these things. They are wrong and they will always be wrong until they are forgotten. Why I returned to them is out of a need to separate the pleasure that binds me to these things from the things themselves. Thus I practiced mindful looking at P briefly, trying to see it for what it really is.
I have not experienced much sexual love in my life, and my addiction to PMO has caused me to experience much sexual pleasure devoid of love.
Readdressing this does not require working through more sexual pleasure devoid of love, because one is not the anti-thesis to the other. I have to strive to experience sexual pleasure with love, and that will take a lot of forgetting of the past and building on the little positive experience that I do have.
It seems a daunting task given my age, but at the very least I can start to forget the wrong things in my life.
So back to day one no P. 180 days no MO.
I will keep moving forward.
Thank you.
So day one hard mode. I want to pick up where I left off with only this one blip. I know I feel better without P or MO, much more grounded, and if it hadn't been for my psychotic relapse I would still be clean.
I'm reading a book by a sex educator. It starts with an overview of masturbation, which I already discussed, and moves on to porn.
It's take on porn is a bit more nuanced than masturbation, in that it doesn't advocate so strongly, but it still says it's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It mentions some of the most abusive types of porn around and basically says that this is all fine because it is just "fantasy". People listen to music with abusive content, read books and watch films about crime, war, horror and even torture and it is all ok because it is all just "fantasy". But I beg to differ. The key difference is that you participate in the fantasy by masturbating, which not only releases pleasure hormones but hormones associated with emotional bonding. One effectively blurs the line between fantasy and reality, which is very harmful.
Not having a good sense of the distinction between fantasy and reality is part of my condition of schizophrenia, this is one of the reasons that I believe it was brought on by PMO.
At the same time I am neurotic about having only good or pure thoughts, which is why I have had so much shame associated with my PMO use.
However make-believe is a part of play, children do it all the time, so fantasy in itself is not bad. But child development psychologists do look for disturbing fantasies in children's play to see if they are developing properly. I still think my fantasies about sexual power imbalances are bad, and I still think this is because I can't place myself in society.
I don't respect myself sexually, I don't think other people respect me sexually and I don't respect other people sexually, at least in my imagination.
All of this makes me turn to P to see myself reflected, to project my disrespect on to a screen. It also stops me from interacting sexually in real life.
So it is day one hard mode. I hope I am getting a better handle on dissecting my urges. Ignoring them is the best thing.
Thank you.
I'm reading a book by a sex educator. It starts with an overview of masturbation, which I already discussed, and moves on to porn.
It's take on porn is a bit more nuanced than masturbation, in that it doesn't advocate so strongly, but it still says it's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It mentions some of the most abusive types of porn around and basically says that this is all fine because it is just "fantasy". People listen to music with abusive content, read books and watch films about crime, war, horror and even torture and it is all ok because it is all just "fantasy". But I beg to differ. The key difference is that you participate in the fantasy by masturbating, which not only releases pleasure hormones but hormones associated with emotional bonding. One effectively blurs the line between fantasy and reality, which is very harmful.
Not having a good sense of the distinction between fantasy and reality is part of my condition of schizophrenia, this is one of the reasons that I believe it was brought on by PMO.
At the same time I am neurotic about having only good or pure thoughts, which is why I have had so much shame associated with my PMO use.
However make-believe is a part of play, children do it all the time, so fantasy in itself is not bad. But child development psychologists do look for disturbing fantasies in children's play to see if they are developing properly. I still think my fantasies about sexual power imbalances are bad, and I still think this is because I can't place myself in society.
I don't respect myself sexually, I don't think other people respect me sexually and I don't respect other people sexually, at least in my imagination.
All of this makes me turn to P to see myself reflected, to project my disrespect on to a screen. It also stops me from interacting sexually in real life.
So it is day one hard mode. I hope I am getting a better handle on dissecting my urges. Ignoring them is the best thing.
Thank you.
So I'm really struggling. I briefly looked at P again today. That's twice in two days. I'm not MOing though.
I've concluded that the reason I don't have a sexual partner is because I am in love with my ego. I love my ego more than anybody else. It is always there fore me, and it competes with other people for my attention. Further, I have to ask my ego permission to do anything. Looking at P is one of the few times I disobey my ego, and it happens when my ego is at a loss. When my ego doesn't satisfy me, I have turned to the comfort of the dopamine rush, then my ego chastises me for choosing the dopamine rush over it, choosing something other than it for comfort and pleasure.
All this writing is my ego. I really do get pleasure out of writing it, sharing it, showing it off. I love my ego more than anything else in the world.
My ego is trying to make sense of this, that is what it does, make sense of things. When it is at a loss, either it hits an unanswerable question or runs out of questions to ask, when it ceases to make observations, that is when I have turned to P, to feed it with the question of love for something else. But it is still not love for somebody else.
All I have is my ego. All I do is talk and write, eat and smoke, sleep. I am useless. I don't perform service. I don't give convenience to others.
It is not that I don't love other people, I do, but they are less reliable than my ego.
I try to imagine my life without my ego, in service, but I can't.
Without my ego, I turn to P.
Without my ego, I turn to cigarettes.
Without my ego, I turn to food.
Without my ego, I turn to sleep.
I am happy most of the time, happy with my ego, I am in love with it after all.
I choose P over real women because it is safer. The women in P perform how I expect them to perform. They disrespect themselves sexually, they don't elevate sex to a lofty ideal.
I believe you should only have sex with somebody you love. As I love my ego more than anybody else, I only ever have solo sex.
I don't know how to love somebody else more than my ego.
Now I think I shouldn't have sex at all.
I resent physically attractive women for not degrading themselves by having sex with me when I don't love them more than my ego.
I resent the fact that physically attractive women distract me from loving my ego.
Yet I want to love women as much as I love my ego if not more.
It's just they're not as reliable.
Loving another human being is harder than loving one's ego, at least for me.
I am beginning to think my ego is useless. It just produces words.
But then, when I think that, that is when I turn to P, which is almost as reliable as my ego.
P is useless too, just images.
I don't know what I want, to hold somebody in my arms and feel a sense of well being.
I resent P because it captures my attention almost as much as my ego.
I only take pleasure in other people so much as they feed and appreciate my ego.
P feeds my ego, but it doesn't appreciate it.
I resent people when they don't feed or appreciate my ego.
I have just ordered a book on overcoming passive aggression. I never thought that I suffered from it, but I think now I have a lot of hidden anger or angst.
All this is just writing, some or none of it may be true, it is just the product of my ego and of no purpose other than to give me pleasure.
I am using my ego to try and understand why I have chosen this path with regards to P and why I have chosen a path without a real sexual partner.
At the end of the day it is simply the choice that I have made.
I hope that in the future I will choose a different path, a path free of P and MO and with a loving sexual partner.
That is all I can say.
Thank you.
I've concluded that the reason I don't have a sexual partner is because I am in love with my ego. I love my ego more than anybody else. It is always there fore me, and it competes with other people for my attention. Further, I have to ask my ego permission to do anything. Looking at P is one of the few times I disobey my ego, and it happens when my ego is at a loss. When my ego doesn't satisfy me, I have turned to the comfort of the dopamine rush, then my ego chastises me for choosing the dopamine rush over it, choosing something other than it for comfort and pleasure.
All this writing is my ego. I really do get pleasure out of writing it, sharing it, showing it off. I love my ego more than anything else in the world.
My ego is trying to make sense of this, that is what it does, make sense of things. When it is at a loss, either it hits an unanswerable question or runs out of questions to ask, when it ceases to make observations, that is when I have turned to P, to feed it with the question of love for something else. But it is still not love for somebody else.
All I have is my ego. All I do is talk and write, eat and smoke, sleep. I am useless. I don't perform service. I don't give convenience to others.
It is not that I don't love other people, I do, but they are less reliable than my ego.
I try to imagine my life without my ego, in service, but I can't.
Without my ego, I turn to P.
Without my ego, I turn to cigarettes.
Without my ego, I turn to food.
Without my ego, I turn to sleep.
I am happy most of the time, happy with my ego, I am in love with it after all.
I choose P over real women because it is safer. The women in P perform how I expect them to perform. They disrespect themselves sexually, they don't elevate sex to a lofty ideal.
I believe you should only have sex with somebody you love. As I love my ego more than anybody else, I only ever have solo sex.
I don't know how to love somebody else more than my ego.
Now I think I shouldn't have sex at all.
I resent physically attractive women for not degrading themselves by having sex with me when I don't love them more than my ego.
I resent the fact that physically attractive women distract me from loving my ego.
Yet I want to love women as much as I love my ego if not more.
It's just they're not as reliable.
Loving another human being is harder than loving one's ego, at least for me.
I am beginning to think my ego is useless. It just produces words.
But then, when I think that, that is when I turn to P, which is almost as reliable as my ego.
P is useless too, just images.
I don't know what I want, to hold somebody in my arms and feel a sense of well being.
I resent P because it captures my attention almost as much as my ego.
I only take pleasure in other people so much as they feed and appreciate my ego.
P feeds my ego, but it doesn't appreciate it.
I resent people when they don't feed or appreciate my ego.
I have just ordered a book on overcoming passive aggression. I never thought that I suffered from it, but I think now I have a lot of hidden anger or angst.
All this is just writing, some or none of it may be true, it is just the product of my ego and of no purpose other than to give me pleasure.
I am using my ego to try and understand why I have chosen this path with regards to P and why I have chosen a path without a real sexual partner.
At the end of the day it is simply the choice that I have made.
I hope that in the future I will choose a different path, a path free of P and MO and with a loving sexual partner.
That is all I can say.
Thank you.
So there are two separate problems, one is getting a sexual partner, and the other is giving up P.
In my mind they are related, but they needn't be. Plenty of males have sexual partners and still look at P.
The issue for me is what turns me on.
I have been attracted to imbalances in sexual power and that is because I see them as reflections of my own relationship to sex.
I feel sexually powerless. At the same time I am in love with my ego so much I think that I should be sexually powerful, I should be attractive. Reality tells me that I am not, yet in many ways I am, it's just that my ego gets in the way.
The reason I see an overlap between getting a sexual partner and giving up porn, is because porn reflects my insecurities so the more I look at it the more I feed them.
Ming of MOing to porn smothers these insecurities with the release of pleasure hormones, so I have wired my brain to find pleasure in my insecurities, but so long as I have insecurities I won't be attractive.
I really have to give up porn, but I also have to rewire. I need to stop seeking to smother my insecurities in pleasure.
Separating porn from MO is a start, but I have been Ming to porn these last few days, edging.
At the very least I need to go back to not touching myself whilst looking at porn, just being mindful, beginning to see it for what it really is.
I need to find words to describe the porn I look at that explain it in terms of my insecurities so I can see how I am feeding them. At present I can barely describe it, only that the woman is pleasuring the man who is on a lower level than her, or the woman fetishizes the man, objectifying him.
I do not like abusive porn, but I have been attracted to porn in which the relative levels of the participants are different. Sometimes I have abstracted this by projecting it on to the idea of "race".
"Races" are not really at different levels, but we can attach levels to them as a form of projection, and this is generally considered racism.
I have experienced myself being fetishized because of my ethnicity or "race", and I have tended to project that on to the porn that I have sought out.
Fetishization is a form of differentiating between levels in that it is objectification and an attempt at ownership.
Levels is perhaps the wrong word, but I am trying to get at the natural position that somebody occupies relative to somebody else, their sense of self.
My ego is my sense of self, but I know that I am not my ego, I am something beyond. I think very highly of my ego, loving it more than anything else in the world, but the reality is nobody has ever had sex with me because of delight in my ego. This causes me to think I am either unattractive, or more usually, that other people are blind to my greatness.
Once again there is the sense of imbalance.
Not feeding this sense of imbalance with P and MO is a start, but I need to rewire as well.
I need to address how I relate my ego to others, to learn to ignore my ego and focus on reflecting other people better.
The problem is my ego demands attention, it demands to be fed and listened to. Even writing this is pure ego.
Only when my ego goes to sleep do I feel truly at peace with the world.
When I try to ignore it, it plays all sorts of tricks to try and gain my attention again.
It demands attention from others too.
But taming my ego is a separate thing from addressing the imbalance in sexual power that I feel.
The first thing is to have a more realistic view of my ego, it is not the greatest thing on the planet.
Other people's egos are just as valuable to them as mine is to me, and I need to learn to listen to them and appreciate them as much as I appreciate my own.
Egos feed each other, but I still think mine is the best. This is something I have to get over.
My ego is my sense of self, and I have to address how I relate to the world as well, which is wrapped up in identity politics.
Forgetting about identity politics, or politics in general, has helped me enormously to not go back into psychotic relapses so often and relate to women better as well.
I am not my body, I am not my ego, I am not my heritage, it is only when I see myself as these things that people start to fetishize or objectify and judge.
Similarly, other people are not their bodies, they are not their egos, they are not their heritage. It is only when you see a person for who they truly are that you begin to love.
Thank you.
In my mind they are related, but they needn't be. Plenty of males have sexual partners and still look at P.
The issue for me is what turns me on.
I have been attracted to imbalances in sexual power and that is because I see them as reflections of my own relationship to sex.
I feel sexually powerless. At the same time I am in love with my ego so much I think that I should be sexually powerful, I should be attractive. Reality tells me that I am not, yet in many ways I am, it's just that my ego gets in the way.
The reason I see an overlap between getting a sexual partner and giving up porn, is because porn reflects my insecurities so the more I look at it the more I feed them.
Ming of MOing to porn smothers these insecurities with the release of pleasure hormones, so I have wired my brain to find pleasure in my insecurities, but so long as I have insecurities I won't be attractive.
I really have to give up porn, but I also have to rewire. I need to stop seeking to smother my insecurities in pleasure.
Separating porn from MO is a start, but I have been Ming to porn these last few days, edging.
At the very least I need to go back to not touching myself whilst looking at porn, just being mindful, beginning to see it for what it really is.
I need to find words to describe the porn I look at that explain it in terms of my insecurities so I can see how I am feeding them. At present I can barely describe it, only that the woman is pleasuring the man who is on a lower level than her, or the woman fetishizes the man, objectifying him.
I do not like abusive porn, but I have been attracted to porn in which the relative levels of the participants are different. Sometimes I have abstracted this by projecting it on to the idea of "race".
"Races" are not really at different levels, but we can attach levels to them as a form of projection, and this is generally considered racism.
I have experienced myself being fetishized because of my ethnicity or "race", and I have tended to project that on to the porn that I have sought out.
Fetishization is a form of differentiating between levels in that it is objectification and an attempt at ownership.
Levels is perhaps the wrong word, but I am trying to get at the natural position that somebody occupies relative to somebody else, their sense of self.
My ego is my sense of self, but I know that I am not my ego, I am something beyond. I think very highly of my ego, loving it more than anything else in the world, but the reality is nobody has ever had sex with me because of delight in my ego. This causes me to think I am either unattractive, or more usually, that other people are blind to my greatness.
Once again there is the sense of imbalance.
Not feeding this sense of imbalance with P and MO is a start, but I need to rewire as well.
I need to address how I relate my ego to others, to learn to ignore my ego and focus on reflecting other people better.
The problem is my ego demands attention, it demands to be fed and listened to. Even writing this is pure ego.
Only when my ego goes to sleep do I feel truly at peace with the world.
When I try to ignore it, it plays all sorts of tricks to try and gain my attention again.
It demands attention from others too.
But taming my ego is a separate thing from addressing the imbalance in sexual power that I feel.
The first thing is to have a more realistic view of my ego, it is not the greatest thing on the planet.
Other people's egos are just as valuable to them as mine is to me, and I need to learn to listen to them and appreciate them as much as I appreciate my own.
Egos feed each other, but I still think mine is the best. This is something I have to get over.
My ego is my sense of self, and I have to address how I relate to the world as well, which is wrapped up in identity politics.
Forgetting about identity politics, or politics in general, has helped me enormously to not go back into psychotic relapses so often and relate to women better as well.
I am not my body, I am not my ego, I am not my heritage, it is only when I see myself as these things that people start to fetishize or objectify and judge.
Similarly, other people are not their bodies, they are not their egos, they are not their heritage. It is only when you see a person for who they truly are that you begin to love.
Thank you.
Hi Georgos, you have articulated many things very well there. I feel like you have made a great many astute observations and connections there, but at the same time, I also think there are some false equivalencies or at least some true, yet disproportionate, reactions. I feel like I want to reply but need to do so when I can put proper time and care into it, which I currently can't, but I will circle back to it some time soon. I just wanted to let you know that somebody is reading what you're saying and taking it seriously, and that you aren't in an echo chamber. And I also want to make it clear that when I say that, I am speaking to you from an emotional support perspective, and not specifically to your ego - although as you know, the ego gets involved almost everywhere!
Thank you once again Malando,
So there is a disconnect between the women I see on P and the women I meet in real life. In truth they are both real women but they behave differently, one according to a script and the other according to their free-will.
Life is not scripted. I cannot script my life or other women's without making films, nor do I particularly want to, but perhaps a bit of me does. It wants to script how women treat me sexually.
One of the things that I have struggled with is how to initiate sexual reactions from women. I have come to the conclusion that I have to ask. This sounds obvious, but in P, because you forget it is scripted, you see women just initiating sexual interactions on their own, starting to pleasure men without any prompting. But they are prompted, they are scripted.
I have set myself a challenge to ask my next date to hold my hand. I am so brainwashed by P that even this feels awkward. Isn't it pathetic that I have to ask? NO! This is real life. Indeed it is the basis of consent. Sometimes I have tried to ask with body language, again brainwashed by P, thinking that some subtle cue will lead to women initiating some sort of sexual interaction. It is as if I feel degraded by actually having to put it into words. But this is the brainwashing of P.
P is scripted, the women are asked, verbally, to perform in the way they do, it's just you don't see it. All this seems so blindingly obvious now, but I really didn't think so clearly before.
I have been afraid to talk openly about sex, and brainwashed into thinking sex will just happen without me asking. I am not talking about forcing myself on anyone, I am talking about women initiating sex.
As I said, my first challenge is simply to ask a date to hold my hand. Maybe then I will progress to asking for a kiss or a hug. It still all seems so infantile in my mind, but initiating sex through body language only happens when two people are really comfortable with themselves. With my anxiety and inexperience surrounding sex this is not going to happen. I need to put my requests into words.
Requesting through body language requires both people to be communicating with their bodies well. This is where my ego gets in the way, and is largely because I have been brainwashed to think that women will initiate sex with me without me asking.
I am just repeating myself, hammering it home, I need to ask, verbally at first, and through body language, but I need to ask.
Thank you.
So there is a disconnect between the women I see on P and the women I meet in real life. In truth they are both real women but they behave differently, one according to a script and the other according to their free-will.
Life is not scripted. I cannot script my life or other women's without making films, nor do I particularly want to, but perhaps a bit of me does. It wants to script how women treat me sexually.
One of the things that I have struggled with is how to initiate sexual reactions from women. I have come to the conclusion that I have to ask. This sounds obvious, but in P, because you forget it is scripted, you see women just initiating sexual interactions on their own, starting to pleasure men without any prompting. But they are prompted, they are scripted.
I have set myself a challenge to ask my next date to hold my hand. I am so brainwashed by P that even this feels awkward. Isn't it pathetic that I have to ask? NO! This is real life. Indeed it is the basis of consent. Sometimes I have tried to ask with body language, again brainwashed by P, thinking that some subtle cue will lead to women initiating some sort of sexual interaction. It is as if I feel degraded by actually having to put it into words. But this is the brainwashing of P.
P is scripted, the women are asked, verbally, to perform in the way they do, it's just you don't see it. All this seems so blindingly obvious now, but I really didn't think so clearly before.
I have been afraid to talk openly about sex, and brainwashed into thinking sex will just happen without me asking. I am not talking about forcing myself on anyone, I am talking about women initiating sex.
As I said, my first challenge is simply to ask a date to hold my hand. Maybe then I will progress to asking for a kiss or a hug. It still all seems so infantile in my mind, but initiating sex through body language only happens when two people are really comfortable with themselves. With my anxiety and inexperience surrounding sex this is not going to happen. I need to put my requests into words.
Requesting through body language requires both people to be communicating with their bodies well. This is where my ego gets in the way, and is largely because I have been brainwashed to think that women will initiate sex with me without me asking.
I am just repeating myself, hammering it home, I need to ask, verbally at first, and through body language, but I need to ask.
Thank you.
So one of the strategies I have used in the past is to donate some money to charity every time I have relapsed.
In the past I have donated to a charity working with porn and sex addicts, however this time I donated to a charity working to end abuse, exploitation and coercion of sex workers.
I am only writing this as I have found it a good way to help both myself and others and as a suggestion to others wishing to overcome this vice.
One of the biggest issues with porn, I think, is that it is pushed. You can't win, either you consume it for free, exploiting the workers, or you pay for it, encouraging exploitation.
Giving to charity is a good way to get around this issue, making sure that you are financially accountable for your actions. As it is voluntary, there should be no concern about getting into debt, but you yourself will know if you do not pay, and this might help you to stay accountable to yourself as well.
I hope this idea is helpful to some, charity is an obligation in most religions and generally considered to be a good idea by most ethicists.
Thank you.
In the past I have donated to a charity working with porn and sex addicts, however this time I donated to a charity working to end abuse, exploitation and coercion of sex workers.
I am only writing this as I have found it a good way to help both myself and others and as a suggestion to others wishing to overcome this vice.
One of the biggest issues with porn, I think, is that it is pushed. You can't win, either you consume it for free, exploiting the workers, or you pay for it, encouraging exploitation.
Giving to charity is a good way to get around this issue, making sure that you are financially accountable for your actions. As it is voluntary, there should be no concern about getting into debt, but you yourself will know if you do not pay, and this might help you to stay accountable to yourself as well.
I hope this idea is helpful to some, charity is an obligation in most religions and generally considered to be a good idea by most ethicists.
Thank you.
I like it, Georgos! It makes the addict immediately accountable - especially those who claim ethics as one of the reasons they are trying to quit. For the ethical quitter, it's not enough to try for years to quit and postpone one's ethics. For the ethical quitter, each relapse should carry consequences beyond one's own PMO goals.
In the past I didn't stick at the charity idea, or rather I stuck to it until I managed over a hundred days and then didn't go back to it when I relapsed after that, but it really is quite effective and I would recommend it.
I don't want to get religious, but apparently Christianity preaches that you shouldn't boast about giving to charity to have maximum effect on yourself, because you shouldn't really be seeking any reward for yourself from anyone other than God. The idea is that charity is a means of coming closer to God, like all rituals in the religion, indeed in all rituals in almost all religions.
We cannot perceive God, but we can know Him/Her. We know Him/Her by His/Her actions or choices. Since we cannot perceive Him/Her, we cannot even label Him/Her as I am doing now. Indeed I believe the true meaning of the word Allah is "the name of God", rather than "God". We cannot know the true name of God, though He/She has names. In other words we can only speak of the name of God rather than God Himself/Herself. Even applying a gender is misleading, as I've tried to indicate. At the highest level, we are God, or rather our true selves are God. God is the one that chooses, that has free-will and exercises it. It get's very confusing because we perceive in multiplicity, but God is one. This is why we cannot perceive God. I am only writing, an atheist may dismiss all of this as just words, and not believe. As you read this you are perceiving it. Why should you believe what you perceive. You shouldn't it is an illusion. Knowledge of God is not the same as belief in God. Everyone knows there is a God whether they articulate it or not.
So I am getting quite heavy with religion. It is because I am concerned with choice. Why did I choose the path of PMO? How can I choose a new path with no PMO? Choice stems from will-pleasure alone, there is no rhyme nor reason to it, there is no relative cause and effect at the absolute level, we choose to perceive causes and effects. Our perception reflects ourselves and informs our choices. We don't need to understand anything we have chosen, to describe it in a chain of cause and effect or logical reasoning. But by doing so we can inform our choices. We cannot answer how we choose, we just choose. It is a mystery between us and God. The mystery of free-will. In truth we are slaves, or at least everything we perceive is the slave of God. Everything belongs to Him/Her. We are Gods. We are a part of God. But there is only one God. As I said, we perceive in multiplicity, but God is one. We cannot constrain our choices, but we can inform them through understanding. So I come back to the questions, why did I choose the path of PMO and how can I choose a path free of it? The second question is easy to answer, I can simply choose the free path. I don't need to understand why I chose the opposite in the past, but it helps. So what is the lesson of PMO addiction. There are so many. Indeed every action contains infinite lessons. I cannot exhaust the lessons. Perhaps this is the lesson of addiction in itself. We don't need to understand everything. We don't need a chain of cause and effect for everything. We simply choose according to our will-pleasure. All of this reminds me of the opening to the film Trainspotting. "Choose life" it begins with reference to overcoming heroin addiction. It sounds so easy, and it really is as easy as that, but we want to understand. We want to understand the mind of ourselves, of God Himself/Herself. Some things we cannot understand. We cannot perceive God, only know Him/Her. We know that we can choose. We know that we have free-will. Yet we don't believe. We keep testing our free-will, asking ourselves to make the same choice over and over again. It is because we doubt we have the capacity to choose, and it is because we want to perceive God, or at least perceive Him/Her in action. We always perceive God in action, we can never perceive God as one, only know Him/Her. This is why even referring to God as Him/Her is misleading, because it suggests that God is one of two. "It" perhaps is a better term, but most of us are not gender neutral. "Know thyself", "Be still and know that I am God". The "I am" is the realization. I would never have written like this before, I am not attempting to describe God but attempting to describe the difference between perception and knowledge. That I use the word "God" may be uncomfortable for some. As I said we can only ever refer to the "name of God" or "a name of God". I am simply using words.
Thank you.
I don't want to get religious, but apparently Christianity preaches that you shouldn't boast about giving to charity to have maximum effect on yourself, because you shouldn't really be seeking any reward for yourself from anyone other than God. The idea is that charity is a means of coming closer to God, like all rituals in the religion, indeed in all rituals in almost all religions.
We cannot perceive God, but we can know Him/Her. We know Him/Her by His/Her actions or choices. Since we cannot perceive Him/Her, we cannot even label Him/Her as I am doing now. Indeed I believe the true meaning of the word Allah is "the name of God", rather than "God". We cannot know the true name of God, though He/She has names. In other words we can only speak of the name of God rather than God Himself/Herself. Even applying a gender is misleading, as I've tried to indicate. At the highest level, we are God, or rather our true selves are God. God is the one that chooses, that has free-will and exercises it. It get's very confusing because we perceive in multiplicity, but God is one. This is why we cannot perceive God. I am only writing, an atheist may dismiss all of this as just words, and not believe. As you read this you are perceiving it. Why should you believe what you perceive. You shouldn't it is an illusion. Knowledge of God is not the same as belief in God. Everyone knows there is a God whether they articulate it or not.
So I am getting quite heavy with religion. It is because I am concerned with choice. Why did I choose the path of PMO? How can I choose a new path with no PMO? Choice stems from will-pleasure alone, there is no rhyme nor reason to it, there is no relative cause and effect at the absolute level, we choose to perceive causes and effects. Our perception reflects ourselves and informs our choices. We don't need to understand anything we have chosen, to describe it in a chain of cause and effect or logical reasoning. But by doing so we can inform our choices. We cannot answer how we choose, we just choose. It is a mystery between us and God. The mystery of free-will. In truth we are slaves, or at least everything we perceive is the slave of God. Everything belongs to Him/Her. We are Gods. We are a part of God. But there is only one God. As I said, we perceive in multiplicity, but God is one. We cannot constrain our choices, but we can inform them through understanding. So I come back to the questions, why did I choose the path of PMO and how can I choose a path free of it? The second question is easy to answer, I can simply choose the free path. I don't need to understand why I chose the opposite in the past, but it helps. So what is the lesson of PMO addiction. There are so many. Indeed every action contains infinite lessons. I cannot exhaust the lessons. Perhaps this is the lesson of addiction in itself. We don't need to understand everything. We don't need a chain of cause and effect for everything. We simply choose according to our will-pleasure. All of this reminds me of the opening to the film Trainspotting. "Choose life" it begins with reference to overcoming heroin addiction. It sounds so easy, and it really is as easy as that, but we want to understand. We want to understand the mind of ourselves, of God Himself/Herself. Some things we cannot understand. We cannot perceive God, only know Him/Her. We know that we can choose. We know that we have free-will. Yet we don't believe. We keep testing our free-will, asking ourselves to make the same choice over and over again. It is because we doubt we have the capacity to choose, and it is because we want to perceive God, or at least perceive Him/Her in action. We always perceive God in action, we can never perceive God as one, only know Him/Her. This is why even referring to God as Him/Her is misleading, because it suggests that God is one of two. "It" perhaps is a better term, but most of us are not gender neutral. "Know thyself", "Be still and know that I am God". The "I am" is the realization. I would never have written like this before, I am not attempting to describe God but attempting to describe the difference between perception and knowledge. That I use the word "God" may be uncomfortable for some. As I said we can only ever refer to the "name of God" or "a name of God". I am simply using words.
Thank you.
So I want to talk about my attraction to so called "interracial porn" and it stems from a confusion in my mind about "race" and my attempts to stimulate myself to resolve it.
I am half-Cypriot. Cypriots are not "White" classically, indeed classically they are Asian being from an island east of the Bosphorus in the Middle East.
But there is a problem, namely the so called Four Colour Theorem of mathematics upon which the theory of "race" is based.
This theorem states that in order to colour any map of contiguous regions, the most efficient way is to use four "colours" or "labels".
Thus we have the four classical "races", "Black", "White", "Yellow" and "Red".
Thus how can Cypriots not be "White" without being colour blind to one of the other so called "classical races"?
This confusion led me to return time and time again to so called "interracial porn". Indeed I had read a more modern theory of "race" by a Black Panther that had the following four designations for a map, "Black man", "Black woman", "White man", "White woman". This was even worse.
The truth is that four "colours" or "labels" only suffice if people or "races" do not have infinite boundaries. This is laid out in a paper by Hudson 2003, which I have yet to read, but need to.
This is the solution to my obsession with trying to place myself "racially" in a manner that respects other "races".
I should therefore have no more reason to return to so called "interracial porn", at least once I have read the paper, although already I have the beginnings of awareness of the solution.
I can be myself, a distinct "race" beyond any four designations and interact accordingly, as can anyone else. We do not need to be bounded by the Four Colour Theorem to efficiently make sense of the world, indeed we must not, since our boundary is infinite.
I can move on now. I will need to understand the paper in order to proceed, but that process has already begun.
The issue of pleasure and love still remains, but I have been conquering that for a long time. In many ways the confusion over "race" is the last remaining obstacle, and I am on the path to conquering that now, having been set straight.
I am thankful for the gift of awareness to the greater mathematical nature of reality that has come in the form of Hudson's paper.
I look forward to reading it.
Thank you.
I am half-Cypriot. Cypriots are not "White" classically, indeed classically they are Asian being from an island east of the Bosphorus in the Middle East.
But there is a problem, namely the so called Four Colour Theorem of mathematics upon which the theory of "race" is based.
This theorem states that in order to colour any map of contiguous regions, the most efficient way is to use four "colours" or "labels".
Thus we have the four classical "races", "Black", "White", "Yellow" and "Red".
Thus how can Cypriots not be "White" without being colour blind to one of the other so called "classical races"?
This confusion led me to return time and time again to so called "interracial porn". Indeed I had read a more modern theory of "race" by a Black Panther that had the following four designations for a map, "Black man", "Black woman", "White man", "White woman". This was even worse.
The truth is that four "colours" or "labels" only suffice if people or "races" do not have infinite boundaries. This is laid out in a paper by Hudson 2003, which I have yet to read, but need to.
This is the solution to my obsession with trying to place myself "racially" in a manner that respects other "races".
I should therefore have no more reason to return to so called "interracial porn", at least once I have read the paper, although already I have the beginnings of awareness of the solution.
I can be myself, a distinct "race" beyond any four designations and interact accordingly, as can anyone else. We do not need to be bounded by the Four Colour Theorem to efficiently make sense of the world, indeed we must not, since our boundary is infinite.
I can move on now. I will need to understand the paper in order to proceed, but that process has already begun.
The issue of pleasure and love still remains, but I have been conquering that for a long time. In many ways the confusion over "race" is the last remaining obstacle, and I am on the path to conquering that now, having been set straight.
I am thankful for the gift of awareness to the greater mathematical nature of reality that has come in the form of Hudson's paper.
I look forward to reading it.
Thank you.
The scientific terminology for the very broad racial categories are in fact, negroid, mongoloid, and caucasoid. You likely fit under caucasoid, but you're definitely not white. Whites are a subgroup of indo-europeans which is a subgroup of caucasoid. White really only refers to Europeans and the European diaspora. Other groups like Georgians, Persians, some Turks, and Indians are indo-europeans, but they are definitely not white. Then in the mid-east you have semites which also fit under caucasoid broadly speaking Arabs and Jews; they are also not white. Going by the colour pallette thing is not a good idea. It wouldn't surprise me if you cluster heavily towards semitic dna. That being said you belong to a unique group of people with their own identity. In theory, you can breakdown ethnic groups like Irish, Italian as races. It depends on where you want to put the boundary. But my guess based on your homeland you're most likely semitic.
Thank you k-fff, "race" is arbitrary, that is the conclusion of Hudson's paper which I have now read, and is a result of people's infinite boundaries, there is no end to self, there is no end to the category you choose to put yourself in, even if the number of cells in the body or people in the category is finite. This is the true science. There is no basis for the three categories you mention other than choice of what you pay attention to. If they work for you then fine, if five or fifty or ten billion (the number of people in the world) categories work for you then also fine. It is a choice how you and other people identify yourself.
I wanted to talk briefly about pleasure. Pleasure comes in many forms, and one theory links these to the chakras or energy centres of the body. Each of these centres combine pleasure with love. The lowest centre combines love with sexual pleasure, the highest, with universal pleasure. PMO addiction tends to stimulate these two only, moving directly from the lowest centre to the highest centre. One way to practice modulating the pleasure you receive is to learn to apply it to the other centres which have different qualities. Personally my brow centre or intellect is very active and I get a lot of pleasure from moving the energy there. Porn focuses the intellect back on sexual pleasure, again stimulating the lowest centre. The idea is to get away from the lowest centre and derive pleasure from the higher ones. The highest is where orgasm occurs, and believe it or not, this does not need to feed the lowest centre. Indeed the practice of reversing the direction of energy from high to low is frowned upon by many traditions. Porn use does reverse this flow because it causes the brow centre to focus on sexual pleasure, moving the energy from the brow to the genitals. This is one reason why it is harmful.
There is nothing wrong with pleasure, there is nothing wrong with sexual pleasure even, it is the quality of the pleasure that is important, and pleasure without love has no quality at all. Love always comes with pleasure, but pleasure comes with different qualities of love, love for sex, love for matter, love for plants and animals, love for companionship, love for expression, love for intellect and love for the universe. These are the seven classical centres as I understand them. It is clear now that PMO addiction unbalances these and doesn't lead to a healthy love life.
Thank you.
I wanted to talk briefly about pleasure. Pleasure comes in many forms, and one theory links these to the chakras or energy centres of the body. Each of these centres combine pleasure with love. The lowest centre combines love with sexual pleasure, the highest, with universal pleasure. PMO addiction tends to stimulate these two only, moving directly from the lowest centre to the highest centre. One way to practice modulating the pleasure you receive is to learn to apply it to the other centres which have different qualities. Personally my brow centre or intellect is very active and I get a lot of pleasure from moving the energy there. Porn focuses the intellect back on sexual pleasure, again stimulating the lowest centre. The idea is to get away from the lowest centre and derive pleasure from the higher ones. The highest is where orgasm occurs, and believe it or not, this does not need to feed the lowest centre. Indeed the practice of reversing the direction of energy from high to low is frowned upon by many traditions. Porn use does reverse this flow because it causes the brow centre to focus on sexual pleasure, moving the energy from the brow to the genitals. This is one reason why it is harmful.
There is nothing wrong with pleasure, there is nothing wrong with sexual pleasure even, it is the quality of the pleasure that is important, and pleasure without love has no quality at all. Love always comes with pleasure, but pleasure comes with different qualities of love, love for sex, love for matter, love for plants and animals, love for companionship, love for expression, love for intellect and love for the universe. These are the seven classical centres as I understand them. It is clear now that PMO addiction unbalances these and doesn't lead to a healthy love life.
Thank you.
So I have still been finding it hard to break the cycle of stimulating my genital and brow centres.
Moving the energy from my genital centre to my brow centre and back again has been one of the prime motivators in my life and has taken over all my motivation.
I am slightly confused about the theory.
Does the energy start in the genital centre and move upwards, or can it start in any of the centres?
Does it start in the feet, as in Qi Gong, or at the base of the spine, as in Kundalini Yoga?
I think the answer is that energy is everywhere and one can put the source anywhere one chooses.
Thus perhaps the best way to break the cycle of genital to brow and back again is to try and set up an alternative cycle from some other point or centre and connect it with the brow, ignoring the genital centre altogether.
I need to start practicing this, that is, so long as I adhere to this theory, and it is only a theory.
Theories are only true by consensus, in reality none of them are absolutely true and can even be false if the consensus differs.
At any rate this is the theory I am interested in at the moment.
Thank you.
Moving the energy from my genital centre to my brow centre and back again has been one of the prime motivators in my life and has taken over all my motivation.
I am slightly confused about the theory.
Does the energy start in the genital centre and move upwards, or can it start in any of the centres?
Does it start in the feet, as in Qi Gong, or at the base of the spine, as in Kundalini Yoga?
I think the answer is that energy is everywhere and one can put the source anywhere one chooses.
Thus perhaps the best way to break the cycle of genital to brow and back again is to try and set up an alternative cycle from some other point or centre and connect it with the brow, ignoring the genital centre altogether.
I need to start practicing this, that is, so long as I adhere to this theory, and it is only a theory.
Theories are only true by consensus, in reality none of them are absolutely true and can even be false if the consensus differs.
At any rate this is the theory I am interested in at the moment.
Thank you.
So my last posts were dealing with energy and pleasure, then the previous one with identity and the previous one to that with faith in a higher power.
All of these issues are important.
This journey is teaching me so many things, but that in itself is part of the cycle between genital and brow centres.
I have been looking at porn as part of that cycle briefly each day, without MOing or Ming, and then quickly realising that it is not interesting, but it has still fed the cycle.
Whilst this is massive progress, I need to find a way of stimulating my intellect that doesn't involve porn, and this is primarily because porn is anti-ethical.
One could argue that some forms of sexual imagery are acceptable, pinups and the like. I still haven't been able to separate text searches from image searches, but it occurs to me I would also like to separate harder material from vanilla material in my searches.
Fighting to discipline myself in such a way is not the way forward. I need to work through the identity issues that draw me to harder material.
I still haven't done that.
But all issues are inexhaustible. So long as one puts one's attention on them they are constantly evolving, changing and bringing to light new developments.
Thus my attempt to put a lid on my attraction to so called "interracial porn" was squashed by the further developments in the form of a conversation about it here on the forum. I'm not blaming k-fff, I appreciate him taking the time to reply, but racism and identity politics are never ending subjects, as indeed are all subjects. I need to release these issues from my mind, to stop paying them attention, to stop feeding them.
This is much harder said than done, we live in a world with some consensus that different "races" exist, perhaps even the consensus that k-fff refers to. But why is it still an issue for me. Many people still try to order them linearly in a hierarchy. In fact they are partially ordered in a tree, with no two people of the same age hierarchically ordered relative to each other, at least by "race". There are degrees of separation, yes, but the ordering is not linear.
But here I am feeding the issues again.
The other issue, that is related is my attraction to sexual imbalances. This again has to do with identity.
I want to try and discipline myself to look only at vanilla images to try and get away from identity issues, to try and get away from power imbalances. With "race" this is harder, as, as I said, many people still insist there are victims and oppressors, which is perhaps why I return to these kind of images the most. Seeing people as victims and oppressors is actually putting them in a linear order. Life is much more complicated than that, as I said, it is in fact partially ordered.
Again I am feeding the issues.
There are many reasons for this journey, we all know some people are not in the least bit neurotic about PMO and have healthy sex lives as well.
I have chosen this journey, at the very least to control my usage, to discipline myself, at best to leave it behind completely.
I still believe I would rather get all my sexual stimulation from a life-partner.
I still want love more than sexual pleasure.
But as I begin to forgive myself, I am realising that the two are not mutually exclusive.
I am pleased with my progress. 180 days without MO is great. 197 days without P is fantastic. 273 days without PMO is brilliant. These are my records.
I am relating to women sexually better than ever before and I am doing much better with regards to my mental health.
This journey is paying off.
But the key is that it is the journey that is important, not the destination, as is so often said.
Indeed even for those who have ED problems, which I don't, it can sometimes only take a spell of 90 days to cure them. These spells might have to be repeated over a lifetime, and that is part of the journey, but the sad reality is that very few people on here give up completely for ever.
Nothing stays the same, except God who is not a thing and we can't perceive anyway. Nothing repeats exactly, not even the most accurate clocks. Everything is in constant flux, however minor.
We are not destined to repeat our behaviour over and over again for eternity, it will simply evolve and change and become some new behaviour, that may or may not resemble the old behaviour in a multitude of ways.
It is not a question of getting rid of all addictions, we are addicted to food for instance. Realising that you don't need porn is part of the journey, and the journey will continue after you have left it behind.
I am making that realisation, but I still have issues with sex and identity that remain unresolved.
So I am grateful for the progress I am making, and thankful for the journey.
Thank you.
All of these issues are important.
This journey is teaching me so many things, but that in itself is part of the cycle between genital and brow centres.
I have been looking at porn as part of that cycle briefly each day, without MOing or Ming, and then quickly realising that it is not interesting, but it has still fed the cycle.
Whilst this is massive progress, I need to find a way of stimulating my intellect that doesn't involve porn, and this is primarily because porn is anti-ethical.
One could argue that some forms of sexual imagery are acceptable, pinups and the like. I still haven't been able to separate text searches from image searches, but it occurs to me I would also like to separate harder material from vanilla material in my searches.
Fighting to discipline myself in such a way is not the way forward. I need to work through the identity issues that draw me to harder material.
I still haven't done that.
But all issues are inexhaustible. So long as one puts one's attention on them they are constantly evolving, changing and bringing to light new developments.
Thus my attempt to put a lid on my attraction to so called "interracial porn" was squashed by the further developments in the form of a conversation about it here on the forum. I'm not blaming k-fff, I appreciate him taking the time to reply, but racism and identity politics are never ending subjects, as indeed are all subjects. I need to release these issues from my mind, to stop paying them attention, to stop feeding them.
This is much harder said than done, we live in a world with some consensus that different "races" exist, perhaps even the consensus that k-fff refers to. But why is it still an issue for me. Many people still try to order them linearly in a hierarchy. In fact they are partially ordered in a tree, with no two people of the same age hierarchically ordered relative to each other, at least by "race". There are degrees of separation, yes, but the ordering is not linear.
But here I am feeding the issues again.
The other issue, that is related is my attraction to sexual imbalances. This again has to do with identity.
I want to try and discipline myself to look only at vanilla images to try and get away from identity issues, to try and get away from power imbalances. With "race" this is harder, as, as I said, many people still insist there are victims and oppressors, which is perhaps why I return to these kind of images the most. Seeing people as victims and oppressors is actually putting them in a linear order. Life is much more complicated than that, as I said, it is in fact partially ordered.
Again I am feeding the issues.
There are many reasons for this journey, we all know some people are not in the least bit neurotic about PMO and have healthy sex lives as well.
I have chosen this journey, at the very least to control my usage, to discipline myself, at best to leave it behind completely.
I still believe I would rather get all my sexual stimulation from a life-partner.
I still want love more than sexual pleasure.
But as I begin to forgive myself, I am realising that the two are not mutually exclusive.
I am pleased with my progress. 180 days without MO is great. 197 days without P is fantastic. 273 days without PMO is brilliant. These are my records.
I am relating to women sexually better than ever before and I am doing much better with regards to my mental health.
This journey is paying off.
But the key is that it is the journey that is important, not the destination, as is so often said.
Indeed even for those who have ED problems, which I don't, it can sometimes only take a spell of 90 days to cure them. These spells might have to be repeated over a lifetime, and that is part of the journey, but the sad reality is that very few people on here give up completely for ever.
Nothing stays the same, except God who is not a thing and we can't perceive anyway. Nothing repeats exactly, not even the most accurate clocks. Everything is in constant flux, however minor.
We are not destined to repeat our behaviour over and over again for eternity, it will simply evolve and change and become some new behaviour, that may or may not resemble the old behaviour in a multitude of ways.
It is not a question of getting rid of all addictions, we are addicted to food for instance. Realising that you don't need porn is part of the journey, and the journey will continue after you have left it behind.
I am making that realisation, but I still have issues with sex and identity that remain unresolved.
So I am grateful for the progress I am making, and thankful for the journey.
Thank you.