Because God and my Wife Deserve Better

[balanced]

On the matter of pride...

Yes, I agree pride can become a problem if unchecked, and it is so intertwined with the selfishness of porn consumption...and pride definitely takes a painful hit when you dedicate yourself to the truth, clean the slate by telling the truth and the whole truth. But the experience after that pain and shame is the freedom, relief and joy of living openly. Living there for the first time in my life it feels great and makes me want to stay in the openness. But it is continual effort, living openly means living a life willing to be personally challenged.

Then pride becomes appropriately centered around accomplishments and growth...true self-satisfaction, self-love.

 

[balanced]

And on the matter of blogging, we each find our own recipe for success; may or may not include blogging...or therapy, or support groups, or any number of other tools for growth and healing.

Sorry it doesn't work for you Ur...but it helps me to renew my commitment to growth and makes me more accountable to a larger group of individuals trying to successfully make the same changes.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

@Gracie, I agree with the premise, but in practice it has not worked out that way for me.  I may continue doing it because it is a help for me, but I will always have to consider the side affects to others who may read my blog and feel that they have to take exception to it.

@Balanced, it's not that blogging does not work for me.  In all actuality, blogging has been very beneficial to me as it helped me to fully articulate my thoughts.  The problem is that someone else would rather criticize my blog posts instead of writing their own.  Imagine having a diary and every time you wrote in your diary, someone close to you would read it and made negative comments about it.  It kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a diary...

July 3, 2016
.I am working with a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery.  I am also attending SA meetings.  My therapists has recommended that I complete 90 days of meetings in 90 days and according to what I have seen online, that is a common recommendation and it usually has beneficial results.  I am working on online meetings still but I have Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday covered with face-to-face meetings.I will probably end up keeping the Monday, Tuesday and Saturday meetings but all the rest will probably become on-line meetings.
I plan to start a new blog as I journey through the 12 steps.

As far as my life goes, my wife and I are still in separate rooms.  We haven't participated in the act of marriage in more than 4 months ( partly due to her recovering from surgery, the rest is because of me and porn).  I have also put myself on a 90 day fast from sex as a means to give my body a break (might as well turn a negative to a positive).

When we try to talk, it often ends with me walking away after a while.  I don't do screaming and yelling well and I shut down when profanity is used.  I mean, I try to stay engaged, but its the beginning of the end for me.  It's not just with her, the same thing happens at work; people start using profanity and I don't hear much more after that.  If I don't walk, I may erupt in a blind rage and have no idea what I say during those periods.

I'm hoping that we can reconcile, but I have less and less hope as time elapses.  I don't know what that might mean for the future, but it looks more and more bleak.  I know its only been four months.  But, if I am expected to make drastic changes in a limited time, why shouldn't I expect the same?  How about any changes?  I guess I need to focus on being happy with myself whether we are husband and wife or just housemates as we are now.    We will see therapist this week.  Maybe we will make progress there.

 

[balanced]

Erasmus, sorry, and I'm confused...I was replying to UrGonna...

62 days all for naught?

Blogging doesn't work for me.  All it does is give ammunition to be used against me.  Words and phrases are isolated and/or misconstrued to not have the meaning I originally intended.  Furthermore, what I say and mean is repeated back to me. 

I was blogging to vent and get out my thoughts.  I see now that the better way would have been to ask someone else what I should say and then just blogged their thoughts.

So, in an attempt to reduce future arguments, I am limiting my blogging to nothing personal that could potentially be used in a court.  While I know it's not the way it's supposed to work, it makes life easier in the long run.

Here's to a better me, no matter what...

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

@Balanced - UrGonnaDealWithMeNow was probably logged on my Google account when I posted that remark.  I am surprised that hasn't happened more often.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 66.  Hardest day yet, but still victorious.

I awoke today with a headache, a stiff neck and a sore lower back.  I am angry at the state of my marriage and that I can't fix it. I'm lonely even though my wife and I are in the same house.  And, I am tired and sleepy; even with my CPAP, I haven't been sleeping well.  HALT busted wide open.

I had a temping thought but I thought about where I want to be with my wife and abou making love to her and I was good.  (I was encouraged that I could be tempted and not sin.) I don't know when that will happen again but I hope not too far into the future.  My ninety days will be over by the end of the month.  I'd love to make love with her on her birthday at the end of the month.

I had an appointment with the VA mental health and got my Prozac cancelled.  My blood pressure was 140 something over 80 something (translate: high).  Otherwise, fairly uneventful.

I've been trying to get the 90 in 90 and right now I have 5 of 7 days covered.  I need to figure out the phone meetings  for two or three days.  I am also working on getting a sponsor.

So that's my update.  Onward to a better life because of a better me.

 

[balanced]

Hang in there, and congratulations for overcoming temptation, that's a real victory and every time you demonstrate that kind of strength and resolve you emerge stronger.

I don't know enough to provide any insights into your relationship with your wife, but I can tell you that what has been most helpful to me is open, honest, constant communication with my wife. If there is any way you can foster that, it would be worth trying, again and again.

I've been on the journey for nearly 1,000 days, and only in the last four months have I had this kind of open communication with my wife. And even during the past four months we have had our challenges...silence, raised voices, etc...but we have stayed in it, talking through everything even if it is uncomfortable.

Stay strong, do everything you think you should and be happy with that...become the man you want to be and live that way. That's the best thing you can do for you and for your wife.

 

[Chip]

^^^ What balanced said ^^^

If you can find a way to withstand the harsh language that comes out when y'all argue, I think you can overcome your current marital status.  Obviously I don't know your wife, but in my 21 years of marriage I've learned that when my wife seems really angry and especially hurtful towards me, that whats she's really saying is she is hurting and if I can let her get it all out, without firing back and just take it, that seems to help.  That and of course, "I'm sorry I hurt you".  They have odd indirect ways of expressing themselves and trying to read between the lines for hidden meanings in what we say and do.  21 years and she still thinks I communicate in code.  Be humble.

 

[Objectified1]

Chip, I laughed at your post. I am only 12 Years married but the male sex puzzles me! I feel the same about my husband as you said your wife feels about you. You seem to be quite in tune to her. I can be hurtful to my hubby, especially in connection with this stuff. However like you said, when he allows me to just get it out and doesn't retaliate it helps!

 

[TK-421]

Hi Erasmus - I don't think I've posted in your journal before, but see we started on here around the same time. I haven't read all of your journal, but see that a big part of what weighs on you is your relationship with your wife. Fair enough. I know a big part of the difficulty with porn and sex addictions is the toll it takes on our relationships with our spouses. The title of your journal says that God and your wife deserve better. What about you? Do you deserve better? What I'm meaning to say is that I think it's important to focus on yourself. Not in a selfish way, but the motivation to change needs to be because you want to be a better man. If you are actively taking steps to be the man you are meant to be, the other stuff will be easier to deal with.

A big part of this addiction is the pain and hurt we cause our spouses. If you're like me, this isn't the first time your wife has dealt with your porn use.  There's usually a fair amount of lying, justifying, anger, broken promises and commitments to change (often that don't work out). No wonder our spouses are skeptical. If you've been clean for 2 months, it feels like huge progress. To a spouse that has had porn in the marriage with many failed attempts, it really is nothing.

So my advice, focus on yourself and get better. Show your wife you are serious and committed through your actions, not just words.  When the time is right, focus on your relationship with your wife.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I'd like to thank everyone for your comments.  It does come down to taking time to focus on getting myself straight and being in this for the long haul.

Unfortunately, my wife and I saw the counselors together yesterday and it has been strongly recommended that I not post here anymore. So, with this being my farewell post after losing this battle, I face future without an outlet like this.  I was told to use SA to vent, but that isn't the same, right?  I can't say everything there that I can say here in a group of anonymous people that my chances of meeting are slim to none.  Besides, their failure rate is the same as people in here.  Oh well.  At least it will keep the arguments at bay. Oh, and I will most likely be celibate for quite a while longer after that meeting... months longer.

To the Nation , I wish you all a good fight.  Even if you are not part of Sexaholics Anonymous, you can use those steps to chart your journey to sexual responsibility.  Above all, protect your mind, heart and soul.  May God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change,  courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 

[TK-421]

I'm curious what the reasoning was of the councillor was that you should not post here? It seems to me that any resource that is available for making positive change should be used? 

 

[balanced]

Good luck, E, give a shout if you need backup...I wish you the very best!

 

[Chip]

I'd like to thank everyone for your comments.  It does come down to taking time to focus on getting myself straight and being in this for the long haul.

Unfortunately, my wife and I saw the counselors together yesterday and it has been strongly recommended that I not post here anymore. So, with this being my farewell post after losing this battle, I face future without an outlet like this.  I was told to use SA to vent, but that isn't the same, right?  I can't say everything there that I can say here in a group of anonymous people that my chances of meeting are slim to none.  Besides, their failure rate is the same as people in here.  Oh well.  At least it will keep the arguments at bay. Oh, and I will most likely be celibate for quite a while longer after that meeting... months longer.

To the Nation , I wish you all a good fight.  Even if you are not part of Sexaholics Anonymous, you can use those steps to chart your journey to sexual responsibility.  Above all, protect your mind, heart and soul.  May God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change,  courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Well I'd be lying if I said I'm not disappointed, you've been a good friend and counselor.  I understand the advice to interact more with your wife, but I don't get cutting off RN.  Its not like you got on here and trashed on your wife, you got on here and trashed on you.  Anyway, I know I may never meet you this side of heaven but I'm positive I will see you in Glory.

With much regret and sorrow,
Your brother in Christ
Chip

 

[Objectified1]

So sorry to hear. I thought your journal was great to read and you are an encouragement to others. If I was your wife I would be glad to see oh communicating like you are. She may come around. This is hard for her.

 

[malando]

I'll go a step further and say it's a damn stupid "recommendation". It's been patently obvious that Erasmus has benefitted enormously from sharing his story here and writing his journal. It hasn't breached any confidentiality, it hasn't been obsessive or excessive. It makes me wonder if these jokers actually know what they are doing. It sounds more like a competitive insecurity on behalf of SA. I'm disappointed. It makes me think SA is definitely not for me if this is their attitude.

Sorry you left, Erasmus. I hope you are able to do well without RN - and if things start to go pear shaped, get yourself back here because you were winning the battle while you were here!

All the best,
M

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 90!

First I would like to thank everyone for your encouraging words as I had to step away.  Although I am not actively posting here on a regular basis, I do peek in to see what is going on.  For many of you, we have been relating well and developing strong ties of support that I truly miss.

90 DAYS!  90 in numerology relates to FREEDOM!  Now, I'm not going to say I am free from my strugglejust yet, but I am more empowered to be free than ever.  After following through with some basics (internet filters, deletion of any sites I became a member of to act out, counseling, 12 Step group, and a realization of how much of a problem this really is) I was feeling that I had a good plan in place.  I don't feel like I am ready to publish a success story as yet, but I will relate some things that I have found helpful:

1.  The first thing that I had to realize was how hopelessly and utterly powerless I am to do this on my own.  Years of addiction and multiple attempts to stop in my own power showed me how little ability I had to succeed by sheer will power.  My brain had been rewired so much and was so dependent on the chemical cocktail that had become my elixir of choice that it would do everything in its power to ensure I did not stop.  I was so wrapped up in sexual acting out.  When I stopped doing that, I turned to streaming porn.  When I withdrew from porn, I lusted and fantasized.

2.  I realized I needed something bigger than me to win this battle.  Whether it was my wife (I had already failed there once), a small group (very hesitant to participate in a group), or with an individual (when forced to do so) they all lacked the power to make the difference.  This was bigger than all of us.  I had to turn to my God as I understood him to have victory over my self.

3. I had to let someone else have control.  I had already ruined my family and was working on losing another one.  I couldn't think clearly and my work was suffering.  My body and mind were betraying me.  I had to get myself out of the way and let God direct my life.

4. When confronted with temptation, I began to pray, "Lord, let me find in You whatever it is I desire from this woman I am lusting after.". That alone would immediately redirect my thinking.  However, I do now find myself lusting for a physical relationship with my wife and that is a problem.  It is a problem because I have come to realize that it is borne out of my selfishness my addiction more than my love for her (and, I love her very much).

Stay strong, sober and vigilant.  You can win this struggle I'd you have a big enough reason.

 

[Chip]

Congrats on 90 Days, it makes me happy to see you doing so well.  Your journal to me, in and of itself, is "A Success Story".  I've seen the Lord working in you, the changes He's made, from start to now, you are a "New" man in Christ.

Peace to you my Brother,

Chip

 

[balanced]

E, great to hear from you, great to hear that you are in a much better and stronger place, and congrats on 90+ days, that's awesome.

It is interesting the growing number of guys who report that reaching a point of asking God for help, and how powerful and strengthening that is in our struggles.

A while back I too had to make sure that I was interested in making love to my wife for the right reasons, not because of some timing expectation or as a way to redirect my urges, but to make it about our relationships and make love for the right reason...love. Achieving this new level of balance and living the truth as been one of the best results. So keep challenging yourself on this, and making sure your intentions are right, you will arrive at a far more meaningful and fulfilling place in your relationship.

Thanks for checking in!

 

[malando]

Very happy for you, E. The whole turn to God thing is not possible for me, but I'm glad it's got you on the straight and narrow. Don't feel too bad for desiring your wife - it might be somewhat selfish, but desire always is. You can't purify sexual desire into an altruistic act. You are meant to desire your wife. You can simultaneously treat her well and prioritise her pleasure, but there's nothing wrong with wanting pleasure with your own wife. If you both want it, don't hold back. In fact, isn't there a bit in the bible about sexually satisfying your spouse being a responsibility?

Keep going!
M