This is a repost of a post by a SO, Gracie. I found it to be very insightful and educational. I would like to implement these rules with my wife when we get to a point when we can.
@Gracie:. Only you know your heart and mind. I discovered my husband's use 4 years ago. I told him "I do not know if I can get past this." (I should point out here that it was not internet,, but we had all the movie channels so he had lots of access.) I started reading and reading. I came across a lot of information that basically said, "Boys will be boys." And I felt funny, this is not how it feels to be on the other side of this. It did not feel like "boys will be boys" I was pretty sure that if it was that instance it would not feel like it did. I knew that was not what I was looking for information wise.
I had a man that was kind and loving and cared. I had a man that I enjoyed having sex with frequently. This man had changed. (You know, the hindsight glasses thing) It had happened over a period of time. Until finally, due to a health difficulty of mine, he chose to sleep on the couch. I thought how understanding. But then there was no sex. Maybe once a week. I had to ask. When I did, he asked if he had missed a signal. Then came the time we made love and he went downstairs. I went down half hour later to get some water and he was rolled over facing the couch but porn was on.
I went away on a short trip the next morning. (Already planned) When I got back, I said we have to have some rules so I do not just walk away. (Due to past life experiences all the way back to childhood, I just moved on, if not in body, in mind.) The rules were:
No more porn. (We disconnected the satellite tv. Even if we got rid of movie channels there were free weekends.)
We are in bed together every night.
We stay in be together every night, all night.
We sleep naked.
We sit together on the couch. No one in a chair.
We kiss hello and goodbye each time we leave the house and come back. (Not just going to work)
We cuddle. Full body hugs in bed every morning and every evening while in bed naked.
If we discussed this, some part of our bodies had to be touching while we talked. (foot, hand, side by side etc)
Those were the beginning rules. I came up with these while reading about this and reading about marriage conflict, in the early stages. These helped a lot. Did I get mad? Yes Did I yell? Yes Did he get mean? Yes He became a man I had NEVER seen before. I was scared. I also got depressed. Almost suicidal.
We have been married a long time.
The routine above kept us tied to each other. Even when sad, sad, sad, I participated. Even when mad, mad, mad, I participated. And he did too. Sometimes after a release of emotion, the full body hug was difficult but we did it. Sometimes, it was the most comforting thing of all. The routine got us through. We both got something we had been missing. Physical contact. Do not underestimate the power of that touch. It took a lot to do this. I would tell him I loved him but I did not like what he had done, and what he had done undermined the foundation of our marriage. When the dislike was great, it was difficult. There were times that he felt he disliked me. I had taken away his "pleasure"
There are other things we added in along the way. The most important was we would say, "I'm not going anywhere." as we worked through this. And even now when I have "moments" he will hold me and say that. And never underestimate saying I Love You.
I also found a website/blog that helped us immensely. It is for the PA and the SO. markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com It is amazing. He has recently added a 30 day recovery course for recovering addicts that is quite good. He and I read it together. He has archived the blog posts as well and they have a gold mine of information. He and Geoff Steurer wrote a book, "Love You, Hate the Porn. We read that together as well. Geoff also has youtube videos as well.
You should not have to be the police. Try what I suggested above. Let him know, "This is the commitment I need." I hope this helped. We are a supportive forum. Read and post often.
