Because God and my Wife Deserve Better

[Gracie]

Erasmus,
It is good to see your progress.  I enjoy reading about your learning from Mark Chamberlain.  I do want to say something about the hand on your heart.  This is so you can calm yourself as you think.  However, my husband and I, when we felt alone in bed or had thoughts of "wow this is hard to do" we would put our hand on the other's heart and just breathe.  And sometimes look each other in the eyes.  There in our eyes we could see what the other could not say.  Hurt, love, sometimes anger.  But we touched.  Body contact when talking about this is so important.  It keeps you grounded to the other person. 

And the exercises you are working on are to bring you in tune with your emotions.  To help you reconnect the wiring that became re-routed.  Acknowledging feelings and emotions and how we feel is hard.  Not just the PA but also the wives.  Hope you have or have had a good day. 

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Thank you @Gracie.  I appreciate your kind words and guidance.  When/If my wife is ready, I would like to practice touch much more.  I have been very adverse to touch (I guess from my background) even though part of me seeks it.

Day 35 of the rest of my life without lust/porn.

Just that line alone changes the dynamics, doesn't it?  When it comes down to the nitty gritty, I don't just want to be free from an addiction to porn or sex.  Those are symptoms of a much bigger issue: the love for God that is not evident in my life because of lusting for something else.

I know that God loves me and I know it's not with the imperfect love my human father gave me (not saying he was a horrible father, but unmistakably flawed).  I know that Gods love for me is not like my wife's love for me as she too is still limited by humanity.

No, Gods love for me is all encompassing, all knowing, always forgiving even when correcting, always available when I fail Him (often).  His love is unlimited and unconditional. He loves sacrificially and according to my need.  His love never fails.  His love is truly amazing.

The problem is that my screwed up life finds that hard to believe for myself on a personal level.  I know others have said it is true for them.  I have seen it change other people's lives.  But, the church I grew up in was full of father's that were molesting their daughters (likely, my own also) and kids that were molesting each other (in the nursery, behind the church and at each others houses).  That, I'm sure, paid a heavy toll on me.  And then, the rejection of my teen years (yes, I was the nerd that dressed funny) by all the girls I was interested in led me to porn and self-love (M).

But, God.  I have always made Him a part of my life.  I've always known He was there.  I have always tried to do good things for Him.  The problem is that I didn't give Him all of my life and I haven't loved Him as I should.  Furthermore, if I couldn't love God right, how could I love my wife right?

Oh, I know I've created a mess.  But, 35 days ago (actually, a little before that) I set out on a journey to fix that mess.  It starts by having a right relationship with God and being truthful to my wife.  I have a long way to go and look forward to who I will be when I get there.

TODAY is the first day of the rest of my life.

 

[Chip]

Erasmus,
It is good to see your progress.  I enjoy reading about your learning from Mark Chamberlain.  I do want to say something about the hand on your heart.  This is so you can calm yourself as you think.  However, my husband and I, when we felt alone in bed or had thoughts of "wow this is hard to do" we would put our hand on the other's heart and just breathe.  And sometimes look each other in the eyes.  There in our eyes we could see what the other could not say.  Hurt, love, sometimes anger.  But we touched.  Body contact when talking about this is so important.  It keeps you grounded to the other person. 

And the exercises you are working on are to bring you in tune with your emotions.  To help you reconnect the wiring that became re-routed.  Acknowledging feelings and emotions and how we feel is hard.  Not just the PA but also the wives.  Hope you have or have had a good day.

Very powerful, I'll have to remember that.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 36.

I took last week off to take care of some things.  I feel like I barely did anything..  The shed is still not complete, I didn't get the cover on the greenhouse, no progress with the wife and I need to cut the grass and plant the grow boxes.

At least I didn't look at any porn.  I did get to see my son in Athens, GA. I spent time with my daughter too.  Oh well, back to the tedium of work.

Meh.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

38 days with no porn.

I feel like crap.  I think the Prozac is making me worse.  Or the reboot is stronger than the Prozac.  My head is spinning; brain fog; can't concentrate; still can't get a true erection (I wasn't getting them with porn towards the end neither); irritable; I detest having to be at work and am finding no joy while at church which I love.

I can't handle the constant rage that my wife is expressing daily. Yesterday evening, I was on the verge of calling a divorce lawyer.  I stumbled across a blog post on www.blazinggrace.com that basically said (but not in these words) "Suck it up you wussy.  You caused this now deal with the consequences .  You can choose your actions but you can't choose the consequences."  So, I will try to take in her pain and anguish and rage without my usual crutch.  The way I'm looking at it, I will be better in the long run even if it means I am alone.

She's asking for answers I don't have.  When I try to answer and it conflicts with something I said before, she calls me on it and says it's further proof that she can't trust me and I'm not changing. I'm trying to be truthful but I can't think right and things dont come out my mouth in a sensible way.  I'm a mess. 

I don't even feel like a man right now.  I'm really struggling and starting to believe that I am all the things my wife says about me.  But, I can't go there. If I am what she says I am, then why change?  But I know I am not defined by my negative actions but God knows my heart.  I know my heart is good and I have to make that show up in my actions.

I want intimacy and acceptance.  I want the love and adoration of my wife.  I want her to trust and respect me.  I may never earn back what was once freely given, but that doesn't mean I won't keep trying even if she decides she has had enough and leaves.

Miserable but at least not relying on Porn.  This too shall pass...

 

[malando]

I feel very badly for what you are going through, Erasmus. I wonder if your wife is not getting some perverse pleasure out of watching you squirm. I mean, I understand her hurt and anger, but it's still not an excuse to try to completely break the morale of your husband. There needs to be a limit to the amount of vitriol somebody is allowed to express. I wonder whether she would respect you more if you said, "look, I really want to make amends for what I did, and I'm going to get myself fully recovered from this addiction and live a better life, but you need to decide if you want to be part of that. I'll be doing it either way, but I can't be raked over the coals on a daily basis just for the sport of it. I'll accept whatever decision you make, but from now on the conversion and emoting needs to have a constructive basis. If it's constructive, I'll listen. That's what I need to recover, and that's what I'm determined to do."

I don't think you should accept that this daily character assassination is what you will have to endure in perpetuity to atone for what your wife went through. That's not healthy and it's not sustainable. It also won't repair her opinion of you. You need to be uncompromising in your efforts to recover, but you also need to carry yourself with some dignity so that she respects you. It seems to be that there is no balance or proportion to this. Women respect strength with humility. Don't be a doormat or you'll never recover from it.

Best wishes,
M.

 

[Boo]

I feel very badly for what you are going through, Erasmus. I wonder if your wife is not getting some perverse pleasure out of watching you squirm. I mean, I understand her hurt and anger, but it's still not an excuse to try to completely break the morale of your husband. There needs to be a limit to the amount of vitriol somebody is allowed to express. I wonder whether she would respect you more if you said, "look, I really want to make amends for what I did, and I'm going to get myself fully recovered from this addiction and live a better life, but you need to decide if you want to be part of that. I'll be doing it either way, but I can't be raked over the coals on a daily basis just for the sport of it. I'll accept whatever decision you make, but from now on the conversion and emoting needs to have a constructive basis. If it's constructive, I'll listen. That's what I need to recover, and that's what I'm determined to do."

I don't think you should accept that this daily character assassination is what you will have to endure in perpetuity to atone for what your wife went through. That's not healthy and it's not sustainable. It also won't repair her opinion of you. You need to be uncompromising in your efforts to recover, but you also need to carry yourself with some dignity so that she respects you. It seems to be that there is no balance or proportion to this. Women respect strength with humility. Don't be a doormat or you'll never recover from it.

Best wishes,
M.

This is excellent counsel. I'm old school and believe that you have to be the "man of the house" despite any past failings. If you can't live in that space and get the respect that goes with it, then you probably have a marriage that's in deep trouble. I hate to say that, but a reading of your journal shows some indication of it.

This is strictly my opinion, but I think Prozac is a dangerous thing to be on long term. I've known people and I speak from personal observations.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

@Boo, I just started on the Prozac and it won't be long term.  I do have a marriage that's in deep trouble because I caused it. I have lost her respect and have to re-earn it.

@Malando, she is hurt and wounded and fighting for her life.  I don't think there is any pleasure to gain from it.  I think she just has to grieve and unfortunately there is no one way to grieve.  She is being hit hard with the depth and reality of all of this and the long term affects.  She is right for fighting to survive.  I just don't like it.  Perhaps it will be better in the long run.  Only time will tell.  I have to deal with the fallout from the disaster I created.

 

[malando]

@Malando, she is hurt and wounded and fighting for her life.  I don't think there is any pleasure to gain from it.  I think she just has to grieve and unfortunately there is no one way to grieve.  She is being hit hard with the depth and reality of all of this and the long term affects.  She is right for fighting to survive.  I just don't like it.  Perhaps it will be better in the long run.  Only time will tell.  I have to deal with the fallout from the disaster I created.

Only you can judge how proportional your wife's reaction is, Erasmus. Just make sure it is proportional though because if it's not and all sorts of unrelated issues are being dragged into this under the banner of your P-addiction, that's not a good thing. Venting itself can become habit forming. I'm just concerned that the balance has been tipped from discussing the problem constructively over to endless expressions of frustration. I don't advocate this as a way of atoning because it simplifies the situation too much. It demoralises you every day - so whilst you might rid yourself of a P-addiction, you might very well develop other issues that are not conducive to being a happy, balanced person.

Maybe I'm out of line speculating about your relationship at all, and I'm sorry if I've overstepped my bounds - but I've been following your thread in detail and I just feel that something is really off. It doesn't appear to be headed in the right direction. I feel you should get some encouragement from your wife once in a while. There needs to be more teamwork - it's a relationship you are healing, not just a P-addiction. Your wife carries some responsibility here too. She can't just call herself perfect and label you as the problem. The notion that she is "fighting for her life" is histrionic in the extreme. She's hurt, sure. She's questioning her future, sure. But "fighting for her life" has a certain exaggerated feel that makes me think the sense of proportion in all this might have been lost. It's never that simple. You must still be a man, be dignified. Only say sorry so much, let your actions do the talking.

Btw, I'm aware that I can only base my comments on what you write here. Who's to say how accurately it depicts your wife? Please take my comments not as directives for you to act, but as a response to what you are presenting here. Based on your story, something needs to change, in my opinion.

I really wish you some peace, Erasmus. I can see you are doing your best to be a better man and to reboot your life.

Best wishes,
M.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 39. Porn is a broken crutch never offering any help again.

Had a good meeting last night with my Celebrate Recovery group.  Initially, I didn't expect to get much out of these meetings.  Most of the people there have drug, alcohol and anger issues. And then two people with sexual addictions gave their testimonies.

The man that resonated with me did not have the same story as me.  However, he told about the several marriages he had been through and the many, many affairs he had engaged in.  Then, he told of jobs lost and opportunities missed.  Finally, he shared his road to redemption.

As he told the last woman he was with his problems, she was very angry.  She had stood by him through a couple of affairs.  She stayed mad, angry and furious with him for months on end because of his betrayal.  Day after day he listened to her and could almost know what she was going to say, but he listened without fighting back (lesson learned: quit fighting back).

Weeks, months of the same thing until she ran out of steam.  Then she cried.  They cried together.  Then things started improving.  She still has trouble trusting but, they are closer than ever.  They were both baptized together.  Talks of marriage may be forthcoming.  Their days together keep improving.

So, it was good to hear his story; how he handled the rage, accusations and answer-less questions. My situation is not that different than others who have hurt their loved ones.  The greater the love, the greater the pain, the greater the recovery perhaps.

Anyway, after I got home last night, my wife and I had a very productive dialogue.  It wasn't easy, but we actually communicated. It was good.  It was promising. I love her very much.  Perhaps even more as I learn more about what love really is.

 

[Chip]

Day 39. Porn is a broken crutch never offering any help again.

Had a good meeting last night with my Celebrate Recovery group.  Initially, I didn't expect to get much out of these meetings.  Most of the people there have drug, alcohol and anger issues. And then two people with sexual addictions gave their testimonies.

The man that resonated with me did not have the same story as me.  However, he told about the several marriages he had been through and the many, many affairs he had engaged in.  Then, he told of jobs lost and opportunities missed.  Finally, he shared his road to redemption.

As he told the last woman he was with his problems, she was very angry.  She had stood by him through a couple of affairs.  She stayed mad, angry and furious with him for months on end because of his betrayal.  Day after day he listened to her and could almost know what she was going to say, but he listened without fighting back (lesson learned: quit fighting back).

Weeks, months of the same thing until she ran out of steam.  Then she cried.  They cried together.  Then things started improving.  She still has trouble trusting but, they are closer than ever.  They were both baptized together.  Talks of marriage may be forthcoming.  Their days together keep improving.

So, it was good to hear his story; how he handled the rage, accusations and answer-less questions. My situation is not that different than others who have hurt their loved ones.  The greater the love, the greater the pain, the greater the recovery perhaps.

Anyway, after I got home last night, my wife and I had a very productive dialogue.  It wasn't easy, but we actually communicated. It was good.  It was promising. I love her very much.  Perhaps even more as I learn more about what love really is.

Your story is a beacon of hope for many.  Thank you for sharing and being so honest and open.  Congrats as well on turning 40 soon.  ;D

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 40.  Almost a day for every year of porn in my 46 years of life.

Biblically speaking 40 is a number related to testing:  It rained 40 days and 40 nights; Moses was in Egypt 40 years, 40 years he lived in the wilderness and 40 years he led Israel in the wilderness; Jonah preached to Nineveh for 40 days; Jesus was tempted for 40 days and Jesus ascended 40 days after his resurrection.

I have been tested and tried.  I had some failures as well as some victories.  I mostly have my team in place and many tools to help.  Which reminds me, I had my first appointment with the counselor yesterday.  It was mostly just an intake interview but, I left with a challenge for homework.

I have tested my wife's patience (quite unintentionally) as well.  My relationship with her still requires that I learn much more.  But, as I desire her respect, love and intimacy, I am learning to do what it takes to gain her back.  She is the grand prize in all of this.  Please don't think that my comments about her anger toward me is all there is to her - she is so much more.  My comments when I am hurt, angry, lonely or tired (HALT) tend to be exaggerated snapshots of time.  She could say the same and much more of my outbursts of rage.

BTW, HALT means to stop.  When we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired we ahould stop and consider what is going on.  Those are the times when we are most likely to be tempted and fail...

I just received a call saying that I just won a free cruise to the Bahamas to be taken anytime in the next 18 months.  Wouldn't that be a cool idea... renew our marriage vows, cruise to Europe and then come home to a new bed and a new beginning.  I turned down the offer when they started talking about money, but the idea is still planted for the not too distant future.

So, I've made the first forty days.  I look forward to 40 weeks, 40 months and ultimately 40 years and beyond.

 

[Chip]

You continue to astound, impress and educate me with your faith and wisdom.  It's hard to reconcile the man I read now, versus the one in the beginning, two different Dude's. 

Be blessed my brother,

Chip

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

@Chip,
Thanks Brother.  But, I feel like I haven't even started in most regards.  Day by day with each passing moment, I find strength to carry on. A wonderful God and a fantastic lady are good inspiration for doing the right thing.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

41 Days without porn and it's problems.  41 Days toward becoming a friend of God and my wife's best friend.

My wife married me for a reason.  It wasn't to escape her circumstances at that time.  It wasn't for my money, my good looks or my position in life.  Whatever her reason may have been or whomever she thought I may be was decimated when she found out that she was married to a porn addict.

That's when she discovered she was married to a hypocrite, a con artist, a traitor, an egomaniac, a liar, a cheat and a thief.  I considered myself to be nice, kind, thoughtful, considerate, benevolent and humble but porn poisoned everything good about me and made it something else.  Instead of nice I became mean. I traded kindness for inconsiderateness.  Thoughtful was exchanged for being thoughtless.  I stopped being considerate of others and became self-centered.  The only benevolence I offered was when I received something out of it in exchange.  Humility was discarded for conceit and false pride.

That, gentlemen is what the false world of pornography makes of a person.  We become slaves to our own desires.  We are citizens of a world with a population of 4: me, my sluts, my penis and anyone else who lives for my pleasure.  There are occasional glimpses of the world outside of the protective bubble we live in, but the shackles of porn quickly drag us back down into the cellar of our depravity.

We think we are still that nice guy that was around before porn.  We think that is who the world sees.  But that person has been possessed by something malignant and vile.  It turns all of your good intentions in to evil so that nothing goes right in your life. And, that conniving entity convinces you that you're ok and it's everyone else that has a problem.

But, there is hope.  You can break free and return to being who you were.  It won't be easy.  It requires training and hard work.  It won't happen overnight.  But, it will happen.  Use the tools to break the shackles.  Assemble a team to assist with your escape plan.  Get trainers for your body and your mind. And stay on the path while moving in the right direction. 

Never lose focus of your goal.  That's what will keep you on track when you step off the path.  It's like the autopilot on an airplane; always checking it's position in relation to the goal and correcting the ATTITUDE of the aircraft to keep it on target.  That's why you don't have to be perfect, but you must be committed. 

I'm at day 41.  I have much further to go.  We are here to encourage and support each other.  I hope this helps someone get through their day successfully.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

42 Days of learning to live again.

It's hard to let myself die.  But, that's what I have to do. I have to die so that I can live. 

A paradox no doubt.  But, for too long now, it has all been about me.  My wants.  My desires.  My way.  The world tells us as men that we are the man.  We make the rules.  We wear the pants in the house.  We get what we want.  What we want, we just take it.  And, that's a football.

A football is leather on the outside.  As hard as it is, you'd think the leather went all the way through.  But, it's only filled with air.  That's a good description for an excuse:.a skin of truth stuffed with a lie.

As men we are to lead our wife and our family.  Yet, we are also told to be willing to die to ourselves.  We are to be willing to give our life for our wife.  Initially, I thought, "Sure, I'd die to save my wife in an emergency.". But, I've been studying and people are saying that the ultimate sacrifice is not dying for my wife, but living for my wife.  Preferring her wants and desires above my own.  THATS HARDER. 

The fear is that if I do that, I won't get anything I want.  Well, all I can say is that at this point it's worth the trouble to try.  After all, it hasn't worked my way.

Now, I'm not saying that this is going to work overnight.  I'm also not saying that she won't take advantage of the situation.  But, God is infinitely more wise than I am.  If he says this is the way it should be, who am I to argue?

Dying is still hard...

 

[fyg]

Hi Erasmus,

Your last post is the only one I've read so far, but I hear the message in all your words there. I'm not religious, nor do I have a wife. But, my experiences are very similar, in that trying for what 'I' want to get from others rarely works in a fair way when it's self-interest based.

I hear the gamble too

The fear is that if I do that, I won't get anything I want

. I feel that too. Personally, and if I may, I believe that our societies are so geared to individuality that we forget we are all interconnected. Maybe we've all forgotten that? I'm doing some reading around Buddhism (insert desired religion or philosophy, also ) at the moment and it's talks of this interconnectedness.

Cheers!

 

[Objectified1]

Your last post was definitely a great one . Your afraid you won't get anything you want but I know from experience if you put her first and live for her it will inspire such love in her
For you that she will give you anything and everything that is in her power to give.  So you won't have to worry about not getting anything. We try to push and pull to get what we want. But giving others what they want and living for others actually inspires them to freely give to us. So the way to get what we want in a deeply satisfying way is to give first.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

It's been 45 days since I last intentionally viewed porn.  Do you how refreshing it is to say that?  It would be even better of course, to not need to say it, but that's an alternate reality.

Thank for all the words of encouragement for my last post.  I only wish that dying to self was as easy as saying the words.  It's not that I didn't mean it.  I did.  I do.  I will.  But life is not linear.  Just because I say it does not make it so tight away.

I have lived so much of my life being opaque.  I didn't tell everyone everything that I did.  I could give just enough to keep people happy.  Not lies, but not the whole truth.  My wife demands that I live at another level.  A level quite unfamiliar to me.  A level I must aspire to before I lose the best thing that's happened to me.

To that end, I am not only quitting a bad habit.  But I have to truly rewire my brain to tell the whole truth.  Not just part.  Not just enough. All of it.  I know you don't think that should be that hard.  But, frankly , it is.  Not because I intend to lie but, because it's a life long pattern of evasiveness.  And, no, I don't know why. 

But change, I must.  Die to self, I must.  This almost makes breaking the porn habit easy.  But. I know it isn't and I know I must be intentional in my actions and thoughts.  No idle thoughts or automatic reactions.  Auto pilot takes the path of least resistance.  Every thought must be accounted for.

Hard work will be with me for the rest of my life.  I must remain strong, sober and vigilant as everyone that reads this must.  Otherwise, the vicious cycle of binging and rebooting will cause me to be a shell of a human wondering how I ended up somewhere I don't want to be.

Fight the good fight!

 

[Objectified1]

You say hard work will be with you the rest of your life. I believe it will be hard work
Till you create the habit. Just about anything gets easier in time and will become automatic. It won't be hard work your whole life .