Because God and my Wife Deserve Better

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 27. I remember why I used P.  I remember why I lied.

It's one of those times.  I remember why I lied and why I would turn to porn.  This is one of those nights that if I weren't doing it for more than just my wife, I'd be back in it. 

I'm not going to.  I don't really want to.  But this would have been one of those situations.  Instead, I meditated for a few moments and laid down.  Now I'm dumping here. 

That's all I'm going to say about that.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Today is Day 28 from where I marked my last viewing of porn. My last M and O was before that.

I wonder about this full disclosure process.  All I see is more pain for everyone involved and opportunities for betrayal so as to reinforce the fact that i should not have been open in the first place.  It's hard to not believe that trusting is overrated.

If I tell someone something in confidence and one of the first things they say is, "I'm telling!" why bother?  Or, they taunt and mock or denigrate me for it, doesn't that just prove that I should not have opened my mouth?

I think I see the ugly place this is going, but I'll ride it out. Maybe this is part of my harder before it gets better.  Maybe, just maybe it will be worth it all in the end.

I mentioned previously that I was a sex addict and my outlet of choice now has been limited to porn.  Before my current marriage (what's left of it) and before and during my previous marriage I acted out using a web hook-up site or people that I met in the course of being on the road.  In my early twenties, I also visited massage parlors or paid for a "comfort lady".  That was all before free high-speed porn.

I'm finding that putting the past behind me may be my idea but not necessarily other people's ideas.  I don't look forward to sitting in a therapist's office recounting all of the dirty deeds from my past or with anyone else for that matter.  There is nothing there but pain and misery, missed opportunities and failure to live up to my potential.

I know nothing good can come out of my wallowing in my misery.  But throwing up can be therapeutic.  Wallowing in mud can cool you down.  Just having a forum where I can vent helps to ease some of the pressure.

28 days into the REST of my life. Please?

 

[Chip]

Today is Day 28 from where I marked my last viewing of porn. My last M and O was before that.

I wonder about this full disclosure process.  All I see is more pain for everyone involved and opportunities for betrayal so as to reinforce the fact that i should not have been open in the first place.  It's hard to not believe that trusting is overrated.

If I tell someone something in confidence and one of the first things they say is, "I'm telling!" why bother?  Or, they taunt and mock or denigrate me for it, doesn't that just prove that I should not have opened my mouth?

I think I see the ugly place this is going, but I'll ride it out. Maybe this is part of my harder before it gets better.  Maybe, just maybe it will be worth it all in the end.

I mentioned previously that I was a sex addict and my outlet of choice now has been limited to porn.  Before my current marriage (what's left of it) and before and during my previous marriage I acted out using a web hook-up site or people that I met in the course of being on the road.  In my early twenties, I also visited massage parlors or paid for a "comfort lady".  That was all before free high-speed porn.

I'm finding that putting the past behind me may be my idea but not necessarily other people's ideas.  I don't look forward to sitting in a therapist's office recounting all of the dirty deeds from my past or with anyone else for that matter.  There is nothing there but pain and misery, missed opportunities and failure to live up to my potential.

I know nothing good can come out of my wallowing in my misery.  But throwing up can be therapeutic.  Wallowing in mud can cool you down.  Just having a forum where I can vent helps to ease some of the pressure.

28 days into the REST of my life. Please?

I'm so sorry that things arent going as smoothly for you at this point.  Porn and its after effects can really show you the dark side.  I remember when I first decided to come out to people besides my wife, not everyone was receptive or understanding or for that matter very Christian about it.  I wish I could tell you it'll all get better, but that might be a lie or at least an exaggeration.  First on the list is getting you right with God, I think you've begun the path of "True Repentance" so that's good.  Next on the list is your wife and your working on that diligently as well, all I can say is be humble, honest and open to her.  Everyone else will just have to shake out over time and you'll probably find out some others in your circle are struggling too and you'll be able to help them as well.  Some mistakes I feel some other guys have made in coming out, is too many details, discretion I think is the best path when you choose to share with someone other than a counselor. 

You've already ripped the bandage off, the wound is laid bare.  Now it needs to be thoroughly cleaned out, medicated and time to heal, don't even consider a trip back, that it'll just cause an infection.  Its tough, no doubt about it, but your not alone and things will improve.  I use to be kinda stuck in the past myself.  I had this long list of things were I had failed that I carried around with me in my head, its a side effect to the porn.  Well what I did was make a list, on paper, of every time I made a decision I regretted, going back at least a decade or more, however much time you need.  Once I finished the list I went back and wrote in what I thought the right decision should have been for each case.  After I finished, I prayed about it, asked forgiveness where it was needed and then I burned the list...  The past is gone, it is what it is, no changes, no do overs.  The only option is to move forward with the wisdom of experience and hindsight and make a better tomorrow and tomorrow can be pretty cool.

Chip

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Thanks Chip.  I agree about leaving the past in the past.  Unfortunately, I can understand that some people have to reconcile with the past in order to move forward in the future.  I said I can understand but, that doesn't mean I like it.  Your suggestion to write it down then burn it isn't a bad idea.  I may have to try that one out...

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 30 (on Memorial Day).  A small victory of sorts.  A pit stop on the Journey of Life.

Here is to the first of many 30 day victories.  There will be many more to come.  The funny thing is that this was not a hard-fought battle.  I did not have to exercise a lot of self-will or self-restraint to not watch porn.  For the day where I woke up with an erection after dreaming about my wife, while there was a thought of M'ing, there was no follow through.  Would it have been ok since I was thinking of my wife?  I don't know at this point.  But, for me, it's better to limit any and all sexual thoughts in order to successfully reboot.

It seems that my wife is venting on a nightly basis.  She has a lot built up inside her.  I just hope that it doesn't become a habit and we are never able to move on.  To that extent, I am providing honest answers as I can and trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to not fuel the inferno.  She does not like my answers (I don't like them all either) and thinks I am lying mostly.  I have lied so much in the past, that I understand.  But, she agreed that I am definitely exposing more of my dirty underworld as she asks about it.

I am finding it hard to answer some questions concerning motivation for using porn.  I have answered as best as I can, but the answers do not satisfy her.  Heck, sometimes they don't satisfy me.  I feel like the me I was and the me I am becoming (the REAL me) are fighting and it just causes confusion.  Hopefully, that is less of an issue as I get further away from where I was and closer to where I am going.

Here is to the next 30 days!

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

It's been 30 days without porn, masturbation or orgasm in any context and I feel ok.

Cognitive Dissonance!

Thank you, Terry Crews!

My wife's anger is very real and very apropos.  As she is expressing her anger, she often states that I can't love her if I am doing porn.  I struggle to provide an answer and couldn't explain how I can do both - they are not mutually exclusive.  While browsing videos on Yourbrainonporn.com.  The answer may be cognitive dissonance. 

Cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, performs an action that is contradictory to one or more beliefs, ideas, or values, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values." 

Now, before anyone thinks this is a good thing, it isn't.  As people, we can't live with dissonance.  Our minds try to resolve that dissonance and create a oneness where both ideas can coexist.  In the matter of loving her and loving porn, I unconsciously started objectifying my wife the same way that porn objectifies women.  In my selfish feelings of entitlement, I started acting on that new paradigm by becoming narcissistic and quite arrogant.  I unconsciously brought the worlds together; not by humanizing the porn, but by e-humanizing my wife!

That means, my wife has been right all along.  And where she said I never listened to her, she was right.  I heard her, but I didn't feel that it applied to me.  My mind wrote it off.  It means I was a bigger jerk than I ever knew.  Wow.  I've made her life miserable because of my PIN (Porn Induced Narcissism). 

Now that I realize what has happened, I can better address this area.  However, I did not become this way overnight and it will take time to reconcile this cognitive dissonance by recognizing the porn for what it truly is an restoring my wife to the place should be in my mind.  Then, I will be able to give her the respect and love that she deserves.  She will be seen as a human rather than as an object (wish I knew this 5 years ago).

Enjoy your Memorial Day.  God Bless the families of those that have given their all.

 

[Chip]

Congrats on 30 Days post-PMO! 

It's better that shes talking instead brewing, just hang tough and try to be as honest as you can with her.  I don't know if your wife is a reader but, some good books by Christian authors are, "Every Mans Battle" and "Every Womans Battle" I believe they are by Steve Arterburn and his wife.  It may help her with understanding it wasn't about being dissatisfied with her.  I saw something Gracie wrote in another post and I thought it might be beneficial for you to read.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.400

Building a little on what Chip said.  I think the disconnect from wives, the secrecy and non-communication is what makes us feel it is us and we are not good enough.  Remember sex is an emotional connect for us.  If the emotion is gone, then there is something wrong.  Then we find out they are watching and touching themselves and let's face it most of the women is porn are somebody's definition of perfect, then the result of no communication, secrecy, disconnect, not much physicality from our husbands lead us to it is us.  Porn warps your definition of women and yourself how can it not warp your definition of beauty?  Attractiveness of others?  Sexual preferences as in positions what you expect us to do.

On the one hand, we hear it is not us.  On the other we are told it warps a PA's brain.  Remember then, we are dealing with and responding to a warped brain and pretty much someone we do not know.  We have never been through this before.  Remember we have no one to talk to.  The overwhelming viewpoint on men using porn is that they use because their wife is not good enough in bed, attractive enough, or a cold fish.  We already feel pretty bad about ourselves so do we want to see what happens when we reveal our pain to others?  OH HELL NO.  So we can pretty much only share our feeling with this man we do not know.  And he does not want to share because he has conditioned himself to secrecy. 

I have been here since the beginning of this forum.  I was the first or second female on here.  And I have tried and tried to get men to see it is not about the physical result of using porn.  It is about the emotional disconnect.  Especially if you have a long term partner.  I desperately do not any woman to have to experience this pain.  Let us express our hurt and anger.  With you is the only time we can.  And we do need to talk this through.  We have noticed little signs along the way and ignored them.  Because we love you.  Now we feel stupid.  And we cry and yell because we care.  Because we want you in spite of the pain.  Because we still love you.  And we know if we keep inside an don't talk to you, it will slowly erode our love for you, the love of our life!

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Thank you for the repost Chip.  Gracie is a very insightful and helpful person.  Her words from the woman's point of view do help. 

Day 31.  Had an urge.  Let it pass.  Now, I just have a headache.

Just listened to Dr. Ross Rosenberg concerning codependency and sexual addiction.  He states that the sex addicted partner starts as codependent.  Then, when the narcissistic partner is unable to meet the needs for sex and or intimacy that is when they will act out. Then, while acting out, the addict becomes narcissistic and the narcissistic partner will respond negatively.

He goes on to state that these relationships usually end in divorce.  They end in divorce because the narcissistic partner feels that their needs are not getting met and they are incapable of realizing that they need help.

Talk about a twist in the conversation.  But, the main thing I noticed was about the porn induced narcissism - validation of my hypothesis.  The encouraging message is that if it was induced by porn, then it should be reduced by eliminating the porn.

One other thing, while most male porn addicts are reporting delayed O, my O is pre-mature.  I'm wondering why the difference?  Is it because the streaming of porn is relatively new to me?  Mostly, I downloaded porn before 2010, when I started streaming or, maybe my diabetes is a factor? Or is it that being inside my wife is so much better than any video or my hand could ever be?

I may never know.  Oh well, another 30 begins today.  I wish to all rebooters long and continued success.

 

[Objectified1]

If I understand it correctly, from what I've read, it's in how you maturbate. If you edge a lot
Your problem may be delayed O. If you do it as fast as you can just to get to the O then you train yourself to finish quickly. Your body adapts to whatever you do the most.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

If I understand it correctly, from what I've read, it's in how you maturbate. If you edge a lot
Your problem may be delayed O. If you do it as fast as you can just to get to the O then you train yourself to finish quickly. Your body adapts to whatever you do the most.

I think I have heard that also.  Thanks for the reminder.  Never thought about edging as a young man, so I never had that problem.  Your comment is appreciated.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

30 Days of no P; no M; no O.  I am basically flat-lining and that's not a problem right now.

I had a good meeting with my accountability partner (who also happens to be my pastor).  He questioned me about some things that came up on my Covenant Eyes internet usage report, which was good.  We talked about how the week was going.  He asked me some tough questions - some of which I couldn't answer. 

While I was at my meeting, I received a call from the VA MH (Mental Health) unit.  They called to let me know that they figured out how to get a consult from outside the VA to help me.  The process still has to be approved, but there is progress.

Other than that, I have had a headache all day.  Eating didn't help.  Sleeping didn't help.  I finally took some medication, so I'll see if it helps.  Until then, God bless everyone and sleep well.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 32 of this journey of getting my life right.

I awoke with morning wood.  But as soon as realized it, it dissipated.  But, that's ok.  It happened.  I pray that at the end of this 90 Day Hard Reboot and Sex Fast, that my equipment is working better and I'll be able to make love to my wife.  I can only hope that she's ready at that time.

Have a lot to take care of today.  Peace to all.

 

[Chip]

Day 32 of this journey of getting my life right.

I awoke with morning wood.  But as soon as realized it, it dissipated.  But, that's ok.  It happened.  I pray that at the end of this 90 Day Hard Reboot and Sex Fast, that my equipment is working better and I'll be able to make love to my wife.  I can only hope that she's ready at that time.

Have a lot to take care of today.  Peace to all.

Keep it up.  The blessings will come and know that I am praying for you.  If you need anything do hesitate to give a shout.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Day 32.  I have much further to go.

Now that I have the first 30 days behind me, I want to concentrate on helping my wife.  To that end and after listening to some YouTube videos on intimacy I resolve the following:

1. Take responsibility.  I admit that I messed up.  I admit that I did not treat you with the love and honor that I swore to you when we married.  I admit that watching porn is still mental and emotional adultery.  I admit that my treatment of you has been in many ways abusive, manipulative and controlling.

2. No More Secrets.  I will trust you with my secret hurts, pains and emotions. I will make myself vulnerable to you by allowing you to see into me.  I will do my best to keep you aware of what I am doing. 

3.  Get Help.  I will realize when my burden is too heavy to bear alone.  I will learn to reach out to you and, when appropriate, other men to augment my strength to handle my loads.  I will consult with professionals in their field of expertise to address problems that are outside of my scope of knowledge.

4.  No more viewing.  I will not actively seek out porn of any kind via any media.  I will endeavour to keep my heart, mind and eyes on things that would please a holy God.  Any unintentional porn will be immediately dealt with and removed from my area of viewing or I will move away from it.

5.  Create a new life.  We will create a new life together without the influence of porn or its side effects.  A new paradigm will be in effect where we will get to know each other in intimacy as we really are.

These are 5 steps that I am making to give us a better relationship than we even initially expected.  I will continue to grow into these as time goes by.  These 5 resolutions are meant to be the basis from which we can build a foundation for our future.

 

[malando]

Sounds very noble, Erasmus. You are really taking responsibility for your life and weaknesses. I admire that. I think we all need such a customised pact with ourselves to live by - not just as we exit the life as a P addict, but right through life.

Best wishes, M.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Sounds very noble, Erasmus. You are really taking responsibility for your life and weaknesses. I admire that. I think we all need such a customised pact with ourselves to live by - not just as we exit the life as a P addict, but right through life.

Best wishes, M.

Thanks  Malando.  I want her to know that this time is different.  I also see this as a resolution to myself for who I am becoming.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

33 days and it feels good to be free of the porn and all that goes with it.

I've been doing some reading on Focus on the Family's website and saw some good info I thought I would share concerning the stages and progression of porn addiction.  One thing that is obvious is that he is not talking about internet porn addiction. The stages they present are:

1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.

2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.

3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.

4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.

5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.

I think this cycle better describes sex addiction rather than porn addiction through high speed internet streaming.  However, the path of progress is similar except for the final stage.

Just passing along tidbits to help.

 

[Chip]

33 days and it feels good to be free of the porn and all that goes with it.

I've been doing some reading on Focus on the Family's website and saw some good info I thought I would share concerning the stages and progression of porn addiction.  One thing that is obvious is that he is not talking about internet porn addiction. The stages they present are:

1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.

2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.

3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.

4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.

5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.

I think this cycle better describes sex addiction rather than porn addiction through high speed internet streaming.  However, the path of progress is similar except for the final stage.

Just passing along tidbits to help.

Oh yeah, I saw an interview once with a Dude who progressed to raping a woman.  Seeing the interview and the thought of myself ending up where he was scared me to death, but my struggle continued as there weren't places like RN back then.  A famous serial killer got his start down the wrong path with porn, Ted Bundy.  Plenty of good reasons for us to stop playing with fire, I'd say.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

@Chip, I saw where Bundy had his start in porn.  The author of the piece also went to jail when his porn addiction escalated to attempted rape.  As you said, another good reason to put this all behind us.

Day 33 with no porn and breaking the addiction that is ruining my life.

I have a fantastic wife.  I'm learning more about her all the time.  She is super intelligent and exceedingly well read.  She is beautiful and has the body I always wanted in a partner.  She has told me that we could have been making love more if I weren't turning to porn.

So why was I turning to porn after about a year from it?  There really is no good answer.  I realize now that instead of turning to porn, I should have been trying to talk to her about what I was feeling.  Unfortunately, my experience before her has been that my feelings usually didn't matter.  That pat answers of "you'll get over it" or "don't be such a baby" or "feelings don't matter" just didn't cut it.

Well, I intend to find out what it means to "know" someone in the Biblical sense.  To learn intimacy.  To accept the pain as well as pleasure of emotions.  It may not sound manly, but I don't care if it gets me closer to my wife.

Day 34...screw porn, I want my wife!

 

[Chip]

@Chip, I saw where Bundy had his start in porn.  The author of the piece also went to jail when his porn addiction escalated to attempted rape.  As you said, another good reason to put this all behind us.

Day 33 with no porn and breaking the addiction that is ruining my life.

I have a fantastic wife.  I'm learning more about her all the time.  She is super intelligent and exceedingly well read.  She is beautiful and has the body I always wanted in a partner.  She has told me that we could have been making love more if I weren't turning to porn.

So why was I turning to porn after about a year from it?  There really is no good answer.  I realize now that instead of turning to porn, I should have been trying to talk to her about what I was feeling.  Unfortunately, my experience before her has been that my feelings usually didn't matter.  That pat answers of "you'll get over it" or "don't be such a baby" or "feelings don't matter" just didn't cut it.

Well, I intend to find out what it means to "know" someone in the Biblical sense.  To learn intimacy.  To accept the pain as well as pleasure of emotions.  It may not sound manly, but I don't care if it gets me closer to my wife.

Day 34...screw porn, I want my wife!

Amen, Brother!  Preach on.