Because God and my Wife Deserve Better

[Gracie]

It is odd that you mentioned "whores in the bedroom".  That is what I told my husband.  They were all there in bed with him.  We now have a new bed which has helped immensely! 

I subscribed to the 30 day program to see what it was like.  He has so much good practical stuff in his writings.  His blog and book truly saved our marriage!  It helped my husband understand why he did it, and why I was lost.  Great stuff in there. 

Let us know what you think of the program here.  It would be neat if you wrote your thoughts each day and then looked back to see how your thinking has changed. 

Good luck!!  It can be done...you can be closer than ever.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

That's a great idea.  Writing about the interactions will also require me to interact and not just read it and keep going.

Which book?

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I will be starting a separate journal for the 30 day Love Heals program.  At this point I don't know if my wife will be supporting me and working through it with me.  My lies, subterfuge and deceit (not to mention the porn itself) have her in deep revulsion towards me.

She has told me that she is divorcing me.  That is, the me that is the porn addict, the user, abuser and false accuser.  The me that is the whoremonger.  The me that has been in a marriage for 5 years where there was no love.  The me that was self-centered, manipulative, condescending and narcissistic.  I guess since I put him in a casket, it's ok for her to divorce him. I will need her help to create the new me, but I don't know when she will be ready for that.

This rebooting thingy should be interesting.  They say it takes 1 month for every year.  If it's for every year of sexual inundation, then I am looking at approximately 40 months.  If it is for every year of porn viewing, I'm looking at about 20 months.  If it is for every year of high speed internet porn, then I will need about 14 months to Reboot.

Right now I am a little less than 25 days into my Reboot.  I have the withdrawal symptoms that are common.  I find myself flat-lining.  I can't tell you when was the last time I had an erection (whenever the last time I made love to my wife was) and that was only a partial. Today, my head has cleared a bit after taking Firocept for the headache.

On the spiritual side, doing several daily devotions using the Bible app, is a great source of help and encouragement.  Everyday there is something there that speaks to the person I am becoming.

I'm still reading through Reboot Nation logs.  Watching videos from YouTube, listening to porn recovery podcasts, reading articles about recovery.  I am literally saturating myself with anti-porn information.  But, what really has me excited is becoming.

I don't want to be the same person I am but without the porn addiction.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I still want to be me.  But, chisel away all those behaviors and attitudes that don't look like Christ as mentioned above.  I want to know what love really is.  I want to be an emotional support for my wife.  I want to feel true intimacy and closeness.  I want to trust enough to be hurt.

There, I said it.  "Trust enough to be hurt.". I just realized that is what is wrong with me.  I've learned to shut people out in an attempt to protect my heart.  I got tired of being picked on as a child and hardened my heart.  I learned the cold, heartless poker face so I wouldn't be picked on for crying infront of everyone. 

Oh God, I just remembered a time when a girl I liked in early elementary school (1st grade?) made fun of me before the entire school (at least that's what it felt like) because I didnt know how to kiss her.  Where did that come from?  Is that a part of where this started?  It's definitely a probable influence.

Anyway, my wife (a big part of this blog - see the title) has mocked me during her anger and rage.  I felt every word of it, but try to remind myself that I have brought this on myself.  Then, I get defensive and become offensive.  It's that little kid in me fighting back.  That would also explain why half of my arguments don't make sense and are just mean and hurtful.

Thats enough for now. This introspective thing sucks.  Even if it is a necessary evil to get to where I want to be.

 

[Gracie]

The book is Love You, Hate the Porn.  By Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer.  You can watch Geoff's videos on youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=geoff+steurer

There are several there about porn and marriage and relationships and healing  They are very good. 

My husband and I read the book together.  I read it first and used a color of ink and underlined and wrote in margins that expressed how I felt.  Then he read the book and underlined the important parts for him.  Then we read together and discussed the underlined parts.

You might have your wife go to the blog and read some of what is there.  You can then let her know what you now realize.  When she yells and is unkind she is pushing you away because it is easier.  Let her know that you can acknowledge what you did and that you can change and are willing to do whatever it takes.  Hearing my husband say those words was like getting gold.

This will take time.  This month marks five years and I still have to talk about my emotions with him.  He understands it is my steam valve.  We hold each other and text a lot!

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I made it my Mental Health appointment yesterday. The intake Nurse Practitioner knew very quickly that she was out of her league as I started explaining what was going on.  She asked if I wanted to see a doctor I had been with before and I let her know I needed someone that was a CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist) as recommended by Todd Love and Mark Chamberlain.

She didn't know what that was so I showed her and showed her a few in our area so that she could do some research .  I could see that she was uncomfortable and she wasn't ready for my story of abuse and addiction.  So she prescribed some Prozac for me and is going to consult with the team and figure out what to do.

She asked about my previous visit.  I told it didn't work because I was misdirected in the treatment.  I didn't know that the depression I was experiencing then was due to a reboot.  The only thing that the Sertraline helped with was delaying my orgasm - sometimes too long, but at least long enough for my wife to be fulfilled.

I have also decided that after my Hard 90 Reboot with no relapses that I am going to rededicate my life to Christ and get baptized again.  I will be putting the old addicted me to death and arising to a newness of life without porn and it's influences.

My wife and I had a good talk last evening. We were able to talk without arguing.  We had understanding and empathy.  I know it's not happily ever after yet, but maybe it's the line we can look back to as when the healing process began.  We went for a ride with the top down and for me it was exhilarating. 

Here is to a new beginning. I know it's the last one that she'll probably put up with and it's the last one I want to go through. This one is the real one.

I started another blog on the 30 day Love Heals program.  I will probably keep up with both this one and that as they have different purposes.

 

[Gracie]

Good for you!  Way to go!  First, going to a doctor and making sure you are connected to someone that can truly help.  Second, talking with your wife.  Every time my husband would talk to me, I would write, he is understanding how I feel more. 

We were so happy with the closeness that last year for our 30 year anniversary, we renewed our vows and he became my"new husband".  He said the old him had been gone for 4years and he wanted to start as a new husband. 

Keep talking.  Stopping the talking makes you feel lonely and porn loves lonely.  Your wife can be your rock, if only you will let her.

 

[malando]

Good for you, Erasmus. Stay strong, man. You'll be well rewarded for sticking it out. You'll be a better person and proud of yourself, and you might even get your wife back! I hope you do.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I came from work today before going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting and gave my wife divorce papers.  She was shocked and scared.  But enough is enough.

She said she wanted to divorce me. The me that is the porn addict, the user, abuser and false accuser.  The me that is the whoremonger.  The me that has been in a marriage for 5 years where there was no love.  The me that was self-centered, manipulative, condescending and narcissistic.  So I wrote divorce papers up at work that would pass in court (except for a phrase or two) and gave them to her with her name as the plaintiff.

The point was that the part of me that was addicted to porn is gone and not welcome here anymore.  It's a new beginning. Now, we basically start courting each other.  We get to discover each other again.  Who knows maybe we'll get married again further down the road (renew our vows, that is). I can't wait to see who I become.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Thank both of you for your encouragement.  The no P has been very easy so far.  I don't expect that to last, but I will be stronger to face it knowing that there are people out there (in addition to my wife) that are concerned about me.

 

[Gracie]

I think reading savingmysoul's journal would help you.  His story and yours are very similar.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

It's been 25 day of no P.  I don't miss it.  I don't want it. Ever.

I had the pleasure of reading SMS's blog.  We do have some similarities: we both know that going back is futile.  We both love our wives and want to prove to them that we are worthy of their love.  We both have wives that are struggling with the betrayal, treason and abandonment that we forced upon them in our selfishness.  We both know that those that are telling us to not worry about our wives or to fix ourselves first or that our wives had a part to play also... may mean well but are not in our situation and/or likely not experiencing continued success. 

Where we differ is time.  Whereas SMS is further along in his journey, I am fairly new.  My wife's wounds are raw and open.  The scab is not forming at all yet and she is bleeding freely.  She tries to hold a conversation with me, and then the weight of it all crashes down on her and squeezes angry venom out of her.  She's mad and she's not getting over it anytime soon.

Another difference, my wife and I sleep in different rooms.  Making love is not a consideration.  That's not a bad thing right now since I have severe ED. She reminds me (not gently)  how limp and useless I have been.  I need the time to reset anyway.  I really don't know if she will be here.  I feel that she wants to leave and if she could safely leave she would.  I feel her hate and contempt.  I know I caused it by trying to protect and hold on to my coping mechanism -porn through lying, manipulating, redirecting, and she has added controlling.  Is there any wonder that she is scared.  Let me tell you, time DOES NOT heal all wounds. I'm hoping that a record of change will heal her wounds.

I don't know where my journey will end.  I don't know if I will travel alone.  One of the worst feelings in the world is to be married but to be alone.  Ask my wife about the last five years.  I thought we were ok.  I even deceived myself. Now we both know that we are alone.

I am encouraged by bloggers that have long term success.  They give me something to look forward to.  And bloggers like SMS with whom I share some similarities are encouraging.  I wish him much success and the eventual prize he is striving for - his wife's heart.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I have been 25 days without porn.  I have had no urge to view it.  I don't want to view it.  You can't make me!

I woke up this morning with a little life in my genital area.  Not much, but every little bit is a victory. 

I had a dream that I was making love to my wife and I guess that triggered it.  But upon waking, my rational mind kicked in, told me that I was still dreaming because that's not going to happen anytime soon, and I loss the little bit of an erection that I kinda had.  While, that may sound depressing, I was reassured - this reboot might work out after all.

On the other hand, I was texting with my wife later in the day and said something that sounded egocentric.  No amount of apologizing or trying to explain helped.  Then, I stuck my proverbial foot in my proverbial mouth (hand, I guess) and said something dumb about the language of out text and which of us sounded like the abusive one...

Yeah, I know.  Famous last words.  That was the end of the conversation for the rest of the day.  I have been trying to let her vent, but using foul language is a big turn off for me and I don't hear much of anything when profanity is used.  It just does something to me.  I guess I have pegged another issue to work through.  It's her venting, let her vent, right?

On the other hand, (how many hands do you have?)  My Bible reading today talked about what a thriving marriage looks like: It majors in unrestrained celebration of life in its fullness - sensual pleasure, spiritual delights, and all of the beauties of God's creation; a marriage in which the partners prioritize periodic times of shared refreshment and renewal; a marriage in which spouses regularly practice the art of extravagant verbal love-making.  That's what I want.

The key to this type of marriage, according to the author, is communication; open, honest and caring communication.  Those are exactly the things that porn addiction maligns and destroys.  If my marriage is going to be renewed, we will have to build this type of intimacy and trust.  And, it has to start with me having integrity.

 

[Mr Eko]

Hi Erasmus,

I have beaten this addiction with God's help. I invite you to read what I wrote in the section - success stories , you will find there how I did it and what to do when being in urge. If you have any questions for details just ask, but please - read first what I wrote there.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I have been 26 days without porn.  Porn is already defeated.  It's just taken me over 40 years to actualize it in my life.

I read Mr Eko's blog yesterday and created a wonderfully worded post that was subsequently deleted before I could post it.  I am reposting my reply in my own blog now.

Everyone believes in a god even if they don't call it that.  For some, their God is Jehovah or Yahweh.  For others, their god is affluence, money or themselves.  Many of us have unwittingly made porn and sex into our god.

What I have noticed on this site is those who's god is themselves, usually tend to relapse often.  The problem is that you know how flawed your god is and you can only attain to the extent of your faith in yourself.  We all know how limited we are or we wouldn't be here.  An inward focus makes it difficult to correct an inward problem.

The group that has some measure of success puts their faith in a group or another person.  These people are outward focused putting their faith in a loved one, a process or a program.  Their external focus allows them to harness the strength of those around them to augment their own strength thereby increasing their chance of success.

The trend I seem to notice in the group that seems to have the best long term success is that they put their faith in God.  Faith in God puts the ultimate, unlimited power of the universe at your disposal to overcome any and every problem.  The focus here is external and all encompassing.  Faith in God allows the best of all three of the groups.

When you have Faith in God, it does not mean that He is automatically going to fix everything.  The axiom is to pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you.  Your work can then be multiplied by an unlimited factor.  God and the team you assemble around you are all working on your behalf. My team includes God, my wife, my pastor, Celebrate Recovery, a mental health professional - possibly two, as well as this and other sites such as Covenant Eyes, Triple X Church , Your Brain on Porn, Focus on the Family, Love You Hate the Porn, etc.

So if you really want to beat any problem in life including porn or sex addiction, believe in something bigger than yourself.  Personally, I recommend God the creator of life and sustainer of the universe.  If anyone can renew the heart, brain and spirit it's Him.

I look forward to the day I will realize the words of our sovereign Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, "Your faith has made you whole."

 

[malando]

I have been 26 days without porn.  Porn is already defeated.  It's just taken me over 40 years to actualize it in my life.

I read Mr Eko's blog yesterday and created a wonderfully worded post that was subsequently deleted before I could post it.  I am reposting my reply in my own blog now.

Everyone believes in a god even if they don't call it that.  For some, their God is Jehovah or Yahweh.  For others, their god is affluence, money or themselves.  Many of us have unwittingly made porn and sex into our god.

What I have noticed on this site is those who's god is themselves, usually tend to relapse often.  The problem is that you know how flawed your god is and you can only attain to the extent of your faith in yourself.  We all know how limited we are or we wouldn't be here.  An inward focus makes it difficult to correct an inward problem.

The group that has some measure of success puts their faith in a group or another person.  These people are outward focused putting their faith in a loved one, a process or a program.  Their external focus allows them to harness the strength of those around them to augment their own strength thereby increasing their chance of success.

The trend I seem to notice in the group that seems to have the best long term success is that they put their faith in God.  Faith in God puts the ultimate, unlimited power of the universe at your disposal to overcome any and every problem.  The focus here is external and all encompassing.  Faith in God allows the best of all three of the groups.

When you have Faith in God, it does not mean that He is automatically going to fix everything.  The axiom is to pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you.  Your work can then be multiplied by an unlimited factor.  God and the team you assemble around you are all working on your behalf. My team includes God, my wife, my pastor, Celebrate Recovery, a mental health professional - possibly two, as well as this and other sites such as Covenant Eyes, Triple X Church , Your Brain on Porn, Focus on the Family, Love You Hate the Porn, etc.

So if you really want to beat any problem in life including porn or sex addiction, believe in something bigger than yourself.  Personally, I recommend God the creator of life and sustainer of the universe.  If anyone can renew the heart, brain and spirit it's Him.

I look forward to the day I will realize the words of our sovereign Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, "Your faith has made you whole."

I don't know that I buy this logic, Erasmus. I think that if you took 100 people who are addicted to porn and realise it's problem enough to quit it, 50 are religious and 50 are not - I doubt you'd find a statistical difference in the success of their recovery. It does ultimately depend on a person's resolve and the steps they take to address the problem. The ones that catch your eye are the ones who credit God with their recover. As a non-religious person, I've read plenty of accounts of people who have recovered who never even mentioned religion.

You already cited a multifactorial approach including various sources of support - God being just one of them. There's no reason to think that an atheist who uses the support of various people/resources to recover is going to do any worse. And with all due respect, you are a believer and you are still in the grip of this after 40 years. I don't mean to denigrate your recovery but I think anybody who has only 26 days free of porn is guilty of hubris if they think they are free and clear and totally cured. I know that I will not consider myself cured by a long shot in a week or two when I cross that bridge. I might believe I'm cured when it's been year or two, not before.

I think it's worth noting that when you take your contributions here in that direction, you are cutting off a large number of people reading it. It's a fact that religion is not the centre of a lot of people's lives like it is in yours. When you make God the be all and end all and make the other resources small by comparison, I think it's very alienating. By all means mention your beliefs, but don't go too hard on it because you will not reach a good many people because they will feel like, "well, I'm not a believer, I can't pretend to be - this guy can give me nothing". But actually I do think you have plenty to offer. There are many things you say that are widely applicable to believers and non-believers alike.

For the record, I'm cool with people mentioning the role their God plays in their life, but what I'm not cool with is when people start preaching that without God, you aren't going to get there. People can't just make a choice to have God. They either feel it or they don't. And trust me, I have just as much motivation to quit as you do. It's about love and respect for my family. That is as powerful for me as your God is to you.

And this:

Everyone believes in a god even if they don't call it that.  For some, their God is Jehovah or Yahweh.  For others, their god is affluence, money or themselves.  Many of us have unwittingly made porn and sex into our god.

I wonder if you are aware of the implications you are making here? I won't even say it. I'll let you mull it over.

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

I appreciate the diplomatic way that you expressed yourself.  Being religious and trusting God in faith are not the same.  I have a head full of knowledge about God but letting Him guide and direct my life is a different story.

Sure, there can be success outside of God.  I alluded to that even with someone doing things by themselves.  However, it seems that it is much more difficult.

Trusting Jesus as your Savior is not a magical spell that makes everything right.  It still takes work.  And it's the only way with eternal results.  Unfortunately, for a lot of people who claim to be a Christian it's more about fire insurance.

I think I mentioned in my original post that I was a seminary graduate.  The Bible is my guide for life and source of truth.  I have not been trusting God to handle this problem.  I am now.  Does, that mean I won't have failings?  Only if I take my eyes off of him and start looking at myself again.

As far as the implications of the other gods mentioned, I'm not sure what you may be implying, but there are many idols that people worship.  As the Bible states, we stopped worshipping the creator and started worshipping the creation.  It's also been said that God created man in his own image.  Then man turned around and did the same.

As you've been reading many of my posts as I have been reading yours, you know that I have not made as strong a statement about my faith as this one up to this point.  But my faith is a large part of my recovery through this.  I have even sought secular help because I know Christians don't have a corner on the market.  I will occasionally make declarations concerning my faith.  This is one of them. 

Let me say that I know I have a long way to go.  A very long way.  So far, I can't see the finish line.  But, the Bible tells me that Jesus already has won and through Him, I have won also.  So, although I may lose a battle, I know who wins in the end.  That right there is encouraging.

I wish you much strength and success as you continue your journey.  We started this about the same time and I think we can learn from each other as well as encourage each other.

 

[Chip]

May 26, 2016

Started reading your journal today since you were kind enough to comment on mine.  The first thing I noticed reading all the way through from beginning to now in one sitting is the noticeable change in your demeanor.  Early on I have to say, "The label" seemed to fit what I was reading, but I picked up on the pain and the frustration too.  As i progressed in your journal I could see God working in you, your attitude was different, less confrontational and more honest.  I think its natural, at least for men when they first have to start dealing with talking about feelings and how they feel or make others feel, that we use humor in an effort to soften the delivery, I think.  I know things with your wife are questionable, but in time women can have a vast capacity for forgiveness.  I'm glad you've been so successful and found the support you need to find lasting victory.  I too was good with computers and would feel compelled to see if i could beat my filters and i tried xxxchurch too.  I now have K9 and Pluckeye running in tandem and havent felt the slightest desire to try and find a weakness.  You keep doing what your doing, your body will heal in time, so don't fall for any mind tricks to try and test if little man still works.  Thats a common trap guys fall into too, I did once.  You havent mentioned DeltaFosB, your coming up on when it starts leaving the brain, usually right around 6 weeks, so be ever mindful of the mileposts in the journey.  I've had issues around the 21 day mark before, so I have a separate counter setup to remind me I'm reaching a stumbling point so I'm hyper vigilant to any mind tricks or Satan's Fiery arrows around that time.  For me my next marker will be around 60 days as that is when the DeltaFosB is usually clear of the brain.  Your really doing great, the changes in you are evident and I'm praying for you that you and your wife reconcile and are better than ever.  Maybe have a 2nd Honeymoon... ;D

See you in the trenches,

Chip

 

[malando]

I appreciate the diplomatic way that you expressed yourself.  Being religious and trusting God in faith are not the same.  I have a head full of knowledge about God but letting Him guide and direct my life is a different story.

Sure, there can be success outside of God.  I alluded to that even with someone doing things by themselves.  However, it seems that it is much more difficult.

Trusting Jesus as your Savior is not a magical spell that makes everything right.  It still takes work.  And it's the only way with eternal results.  Unfortunately, for a lot of people who claim to be a Christian it's more about fire insurance.

I think I mentioned in my original post that I was a seminary graduate.  The Bible is my guide for life and source of truth.  I have not been trusting God to handle this problem.  I am now.  Does, that mean I won't have failings?  Only if I take my eyes off of him and start looking at myself again.

As far as the implications of the other gods mentioned, I'm not sure what you may be implying, but there are many idols that people worship.  As the Bible states, we stopped worshipping the creator and started worshipping the creation.  It's also been said that God created man in his own image.  Then man turned around and did the same.

As you've been reading many of my posts as I have been reading yours, you know that I have not made as strong a statement about my faith as this one up to this point.  But my faith is a large part of my recovery through this.  I have even sought secular help because I know Christians don't have a corner on the market.  I will occasionally make declarations concerning my faith.  This is one of them. 

Let me say that I know I have a long way to go.  A very long way.  So far, I can't see the finish line.  But, the Bible tells me that Jesus already has won and through Him, I have won also.  So, although I may lose a battle, I know who wins in the end.  That right there is encouraging.

I wish you much strength and success as you continue your journey.  We started this about the same time and I think we can learn from each other as well as encourage each other.

Thank-you Erasmus for your considered reply. I am a big believer in using whatever support you can get your hands on. I've seen a shift in your posts even in the short time I've been quitting. Whatever you're doing is working for you. Go with God!

 

[Erasmus_xlt]

Thank you for those that have noticed a shift in the personality of my posts.  I'm not sure what the shift is exactly but, from what I know (which may not be as much as I thought I knew) other people can usually spot changes before the person concerned.  I do know I am trying.

To that extent, I have changed one of my previous post because upon rereading it, the wording and intended humor left the meaning somewhat opaque.  The corrected paragraph now reads: "I married a woman that was all I ever dreamed a woman could be physically.  She is so darn sexy.  When we were dating, it was she who asked me why I hadn't made love to her yet.  I thought she loved sex as much as me.  Now, my addiction and subsequent ED have caused her to avoid my touch." And who can blame her.

This blog is intended to be about me and my journey toward God and my wife.  It is not about bashing her or trying to make me look like a victim.  Let's get it straight, I was the abuser and she has been the victim.  I love her and I will learn how to love her as much or more than I have mistreated her in the past.

I think the exercise I completed yesterday for my 30 day challenge has been helpful for me to understand my part in a conversation.  I have always felt awkward in conversations.  I don't like talking about myself, I'm not a good story teller and I'm always trying to fix things.  Being able to just listen while encouraging the conversation was different.

I look forward to more conversations while becoming more intimate with my wife.  That word intimacy is interesting...  Someone broke it down as "In to me see" and that's what I am trying to do.  I'm also working on trusting as well as being trusted. 

I am on day 27 with no P and longer without M or O.  I  have a long way to go.

 

[Chip]

I am on day 27 with no P and longer without M or O.  I  have a long way to go.

The journey of a thousand begins with a single step, one foot in front of the other.  Everyday that passes you are that much further from who you were and that much closer to who you can and will be.