I will be starting a separate journal for the 30 day Love Heals program. At this point I don't know if my wife will be supporting me and working through it with me. My lies, subterfuge and deceit (not to mention the porn itself) have her in deep revulsion towards me.
She has told me that she is divorcing me. That is, the me that is the porn addict, the user, abuser and false accuser. The me that is the whoremonger. The me that has been in a marriage for 5 years where there was no love. The me that was self-centered, manipulative, condescending and narcissistic. I guess since I put him in a casket, it's ok for her to divorce him. I will need her help to create the new me, but I don't know when she will be ready for that.
This rebooting thingy should be interesting. They say it takes 1 month for every year. If it's for every year of sexual inundation, then I am looking at approximately 40 months. If it is for every year of porn viewing, I'm looking at about 20 months. If it is for every year of high speed internet porn, then I will need about 14 months to Reboot.
Right now I am a little less than 25 days into my Reboot. I have the withdrawal symptoms that are common. I find myself flat-lining. I can't tell you when was the last time I had an erection (whenever the last time I made love to my wife was) and that was only a partial. Today, my head has cleared a bit after taking Firocept for the headache.
On the spiritual side, doing several daily devotions using the Bible app, is a great source of help and encouragement. Everyday there is something there that speaks to the person I am becoming.
I'm still reading through Reboot Nation logs. Watching videos from YouTube, listening to porn recovery podcasts, reading articles about recovery. I am literally saturating myself with anti-porn information. But, what really has me excited is becoming.
I don't want to be the same person I am but without the porn addiction. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still want to be me. But, chisel away all those behaviors and attitudes that don't look like Christ as mentioned above. I want to know what love really is. I want to be an emotional support for my wife. I want to feel true intimacy and closeness. I want to trust enough to be hurt.
There, I said it. "Trust enough to be hurt.". I just realized that is what is wrong with me. I've learned to shut people out in an attempt to protect my heart. I got tired of being picked on as a child and hardened my heart. I learned the cold, heartless poker face so I wouldn't be picked on for crying infront of everyone.
Oh God, I just remembered a time when a girl I liked in early elementary school (1st grade?) made fun of me before the entire school (at least that's what it felt like) because I didnt know how to kiss her. Where did that come from? Is that a part of where this started? It's definitely a probable influence.
Anyway, my wife (a big part of this blog - see the title) has mocked me during her anger and rage. I felt every word of it, but try to remind myself that I have brought this on myself. Then, I get defensive and become offensive. It's that little kid in me fighting back. That would also explain why half of my arguments don't make sense and are just mean and hurtful.
Thats enough for now. This introspective thing sucks. Even if it is a necessary evil to get to where I want to be.