Bless you SMS and thank you Rider! You BOTH encourage me so much! I am glad to encourage you both as well!
Rider, those deep scars will continue to heal. One of the best images I could construct about my separation from my ex-Wife was that it was like a physical wound. At first it was a sharp, stabbing pain and then I sort of went into what I can only describe as 'emotional shock.' Everything seemed to slow down, the world became distant, almost unreal and it was like I was walking in a dense cloud of fog. However, very slowly the wound began to heal. The bleeding slowed down, the shock began to wear off and then more of the pain kicked in...I was angry that I felt injured and really furious with a person whom I now saw as a long time assailant. As the wound Scabbed over I felt stronger. In fact I began to taste liberation and it in fact felt like a MASSIVE eighteen year weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Then I free to start grieving the loss of my relationship. It's totally surprising how much that grieving mirrors grieving the death of a loved one. The stages were identical. SHOCK, ANGER, DISBELIEF and finally, at long last, ACCEPTANCE. What was even stranger was that you would flutter back and forth between them for ages. There you would be one moment thinking you'd passed through all that anger, thinking all the scars were nicely healed and something would happen, you'd hear or see something and you'd be right into the searing, visceral want to rip things apart anger all over again...So don't worry that your healing comes slowly. It's bound too and it's also likely a part of us may NEVER heal. We may just have to live with our brokenness as well as our happiness and our wholeness. However, if this is happening within ourselves, even STILL in my case, might it not also be happening in our ex Partner? (I can talk to my ex Wife on the phone really well now. We hardly talk at all but you know we talk better now than we ever did in 18 years married. I honestly mean that! It never ceases to AMAZE me that we even make each other laugh! I actually think that is exactly BECAUSE we no longer live in the pain of a relationship that was broken beyond repair in about year one or year two....So take your time, let the healing keep on happening. No need to force anything, just carrying on being YOU!
SMS, so nice to know that you too get this bit about love, caring, affection, gentleness and not having to have a relationship built on and full of sex. You are so right, as kids even we were taught to chase sexual fulfilment and gratification. I was the same as many men, anywhere I could find sex I be in like Flint! I'm not saying I did not fall in love many times as well, neither am I saying that sex was not great fun because it really WAS but it so quickly became an end in and of itself! Truly, if I were asked now would I have turned those sexual encounters down at the time, I would still say NO! They taught me something beyond just genital sex and it is now possible to quietly reflect on them as moments of loving and kindness as well.
Thank you both for your massive encouragement. Stay strong and God bless you now and always!
