2 weeks and counting

[malando]

You just gotta keep trying and allow your wife to get all the toxicity out of her system. As long as you don't relapse, you keep listening and allow her emotions to come out without reacting badly to them, you are providing a foundation for recovery. That can be hard sometimes - people can get tired of being the "bad guy" and then decide to defend themselves by going on childish counterattacks to relieve the sense of guilt. I'm not saying you have done that, but that can sneak up on you so just keep a watch out for that reaction in yourself. It's one of the ways the brain can try to deal with guilt.

Stay level, keep listening. Eventually the situation will shift from guilt/blame/shame to just processing the new reality: making the best decisions for the future, being there for each other, remaining open and transparent, calming emotions, finding new joy. Rebuilding the trust. She loves you man, she will get past this if you stay the course and be the man you know you can be. She's not going to trust you around females for a while, just accept that and don't bemoan it. Just imagine how you want this to look in 5-10 years - work towards that. It's a gradual process. The bad days will get fewer and further between as long as you stay very stable and calm and don't give her anything new to worry about. There will be spontaneous trouble spots, but you can still have fun along the way - it's not all doom and gloom. Take the happiness whenever you can. Don't waste too much time on guilt - focus on accountability. With guilt the focus is on you, with accountability the focus is on your partner, your relationship and repairing the damage you've caused. You'll still feel the guilt, but focus your thoughts on the accountability. That's what causes the actual change and healing and that's what will rebuild her trust in you.

It really seems like you're on the right track though. Keep going and good luck!

 

[metal22]

Malando,
Thanks for the input.  I've always had a high regard for your postings.  Yes at the beginning I had a lot of trouble being supportive.  I did quite a bit of justifications,  defending and such.  I was far from being supportive,  which I began to realize I actually didn't know how to be supportive.  My SO has been gracious and patient with me and put up with me while spelling out what she needed,  many times. 
I feel like she is beginning to shift to processing the new reality.  I know she doesn't trust me,  but we have had moments of intimacy that feel like the old days before I tore her heart out.    She did a random inspection of my phone yesterday and didn't find anything.  She voiced that she still doesn't know if I really am clean or just really good at hiding it.  I took it in stride,  which is unlike my old self.  So I'm feeling like I'm moving forward too. 
I know what i've done is absolutely terrible,  but I cant deny the feeling of my heart being warmed when I'm with her now.  It reminds me of when we were first married and I was completely infatuated.  I feel like I am allowing my heart to be changed for the first time in a very long time.  And yes I'm slowly moving past the guilt,  and self pity.  It feels good to feel like I can be accountable with myself,  like as in I'm building trust in myself to rebuild this relationship.

 

[Virus01]

It feels good to feel like I can be accountable with myself,  like as in I'm building trust in myself to rebuild this relationship.

This is a powerful feeling, and I dint start to feel until I started my reboot. Deep down, you know what the right thing is to do and you know you love your wife. Continue to conquer your fears, walk away from the tantrums, and show her through your actions how much you love her. Time will be on your side.

 

[David Albert]

I've enjoyed reading your story man, you've come a long way. Saying this I realize you still have a long, long way to go regarding you relationship with your SO but I have no doubt that you have what it takes to get there. But it will take time for her wounds to heal, I'm sure you already know this. All you can do is keep yourself on the right track, rebuild her trust in you and you both will come out of this stronger than ever. I think you are an inspiration for many of us here, keep up the good work !

P.S. please change the title to your post, you have come a million miles from being at the 2 week counter 

 

[rebootrapp]

Good job man!

 

[TiramiSu]

Hi there:
"Also we discussed about friends.  We both feel saddened by some of our friends reactions to my PA.  They just don't understand."

Do not worry about that. Some people just do not understand. It is nobody's fault. I once talked to a counselor and I told him about me watching porn....and he said what is wrong with it...he also did not understand the concept of addiction....anyways it seems you are making great progress again....

 

[metal22]

Thanks for your support guys!
We have been making slow progress but progress nonetheless in recovery.  My SO has brought up how she just doesn't understand how I could have justified all the perverse things I did.  Like how I could PMO to the thoughts and pics of her friends,  and how I could look them in the eye and talk like nothing was going on.  I don't really have an explanation.  I mean I just had a long path of justifications.  But even in my heart deep down I knew it was wrong.
She has mentioned it is sociopathic behavior.  Sort of a suspension of all empathic feelings for other people in my path for self fulfillment.  Like the idea of them "not knowing" is some how making it okay.  I've been really contemplating that lately.  Like how can us PA's get sooo depraved?  We are quick to label people with psychopathic behavior,  but is it really that far removed from all of us?  Sadly,  the whole reason I started looking into rebooting because my dick stopped working.  It wasnt for the constant lies I told my SO,  or the perverted actions I was doing to my friends.  Or that I was basically cheating on her,  and hurting the whole community around me.  I saw none of it,  or rather while I was PMOing I just didnt care.
I know that isn't a very settling answer for my SO.  She's kindof just committed herself to think that she will never understand.  Frankly,  I still don't either.  It scares me,  like if I could seriously justify that behavior,  what else could I have justified?  I thank God for the circumstances that allowed me to get caught.  It was an awful D-day for her.  It totally wrecked her.  All because of my terrible actions.  But if it wasn't for her amazing support I wouldn't be here posting today.
I love the feeling of being a whole person.  I am what people see.  I dont have secrets (well I have only told a select few).  I am hoping and praying after our move I can start to come clean with people.  Put my PA on the outside,  so I can really start to help people with this epidemic.
One thing I've been additionally struggling with is myself sexually.  I mean I've been a PA since a teenager,  like before I've been much with others.  It's totally defined my sexual being.  I was being intimate with my SO recently and she said she felt like I was objectifying her.  I was shaken by that,  b/c I wasn't thinking I was.  But maybe I was,  and that is all I know.  Like all I can do is objectify in the bedroom.  I'm thinking I need to take a deep look at my behaviors and make changes.  The problem is I don't know how to change it and I certainly have no clue where to begin.

 

[Virus01]

I feel your struggles brother. I've had the same sociopath feelings about myself, trying to figure out why I continued behavior I outright new was hurting my SO. I always thought I wasn't hurting anyone, I was essentially "self medicating". I wasn't able to see myself until I started my reboot and realized how bad my habits were and how I did things without thinking about it. Objectifying women, bioth my wife and through P, was too easy. The last time I was intimate with my wife she made the same comment to me, that it seemed like I checked out. I didn't think so, but again, we don't always see ourselves.

There might be some deep childhood or other issues of stress that are underlying triggers for you. It was for me, and I until I went there I wasn't able to find peace and found myself relapsing. While it will feel scary, you need to dig deeper and find out why you chose to PMO to people within your circle. Maybe you felt you were lacking something from your SO or was angry about something and then you acted out. Your perspective of P didn't help, it didn't help me either. But what you can do is remove the negative variable of P and learn to confront your demons in a healthy manner. You fixing yourself might be the best for both of you, either together or otherwise. You owe it to her and yourself to try and repair some of the damage, and beingnonest with yourself is the right step.

 

[malando]

Metal, I can sense how sorry you are and how badly you want to atone for what you've done. That's gotta count for a lot. It might take you a while to figure this thing out. Make sure you don't try to come up with an explanation that "sounds right", just because you can't explain it yet. It's frustrating to have to admit, "I don't know what the hell I was doing", but it's better to admit that than to try to patch over anything in an effort to move things along. In time you'll probably figure it out. Just keep being as honest and open as you are and you'll be helping your wife. At this stage, your wife will appreciate honestly more than anything else. If you are intimate together, focus on communication within that. Stay connected, don't go quiet. Let her know that you are there with her and you want this experience with her.

Best wishes,
M.

 

[metal22]

Had a recent success I thought I'd share.  I was recently feeling irritable,  and kinda grumpy in general.  It's part of my old self that I'm trying to get past.  I noticed when it occurred all my thoughts were rather resentful in nature,  and very self-focused.  No one was around at the time ( thankfully so I didn't get pissy with anyone) and went onto RN and breezed through the journals and the partners section.  I felt like it brought me right back to the reality that I've created.  I love my wife and she loves me.  I've caused tremendous pain and I let myself experience that feeling again.  Almost immediately my old ugly self went away.  I wasn't feeling like I was in danger of a sudden relapse,  but I will acknowledge that's the attitude that was very present during my PMO days.
Virus,  there are some childhood issues in my past.  I don't consider them all that major,  and really no excuse for the person I became.  I've delved into them to some extent,  but I'm starting to change my focus to the present and not so much the past.
As to why I chose to PMO to people I knew,  all I've come to the conclusion is it was giving me the rush I needed.  My mind had somehow justified it as better than some of the other stuff I could have PMO'ed to.  Some of the people I found attractive,  others I didnt,  some I liked as friends,  others I didn't.  I honestly haven't really found a correlation there.  I've decided to leave that in the past.  I may never fully understand why I did what I did.  It almost feels like I've got 2 personalities,  and the one that's here now doesn't get it why the "other" personality did what I did.  I know it seems quite crazy,  and I'm not sure if that's what other PAs experience too. 
Malando,  thanks for the encouragement.  I'm trying to find the balance of discovering myself and living my life.  I can "dwell" on things a bit much sometimes and let it consume my life,  and that would not be helpful for anyone's healing.

 

[David Albert]

I can relate to what you're saying, I've also PMO'ed to girls I knew, on their social media account. I've never had to explain this to anybody as it is a secret, only I know this. And thank God for that. The idea that I would have to explain this to another person scares the shit out of me, it makes me so shameful. You had massive courage telling your wife about that, massive. Coming all the way clean with her was obviously the best idea, but it does have its repercussions...If you ask me why I PMO'ed to people I knew, that's not an easy question. I guess it was because I was sexually attracted to them and I had slim to no chances of sleeping with them. I particularly remember trying to hook up with a colleague of mine from work and she refused me politely a few times. Then I went and fapped to her social media pictures. That's just one example. What I'm trying to say is we've done it because we were attracted, sexually or otherwise, to those people and it gave us the dopamine rush we needed at that particular moment in time. There's no sense in over-complicating things or over-thinking everything, we did it because we're dopamine addicts and that's just what we did to get our fix.  I, myself, put it down also to the Coolidge effect, wanting to "fuck" someone new all the time. I counted over 40 chicks on social media I fapped to over the years, some of them I knew, some of them I didn't. I don't think this makes me a freak but it sure has given me a lot of food for thought. I've learned to accept myself with all my bad actions from the past and try to change for a better future.

I can also relate to what you're saying about being irritable. Before, I used to get that a lot. Many trivial things in day to day life annoyed me of frustrated me. Some of those times became perfect times for PMO. It was all embedded in the brain wiring. Like a light bulb that turns on all of a sudden. Since I've started this reboot, this new phase of my life, things have changed. I still have moments, less of them, when I become frustrated or angry at something, but they go away very fast. The first time I noticed this was very weird. I was having a quarrel with someone and instead of getting into a screaming match, the blood went out of my head and I felt this calmness come over me. And ever since, whenever I feel myself getting mad, I know it will all go away in a matter of seconds. So, I'm really glad you realized in those moments what is important to you and how your journey is about love  Love for yourself, love for your wife and for the life you want to build together from now on.

I have nothing but respect for your journey my friend and I have the utmost confidence you are going to make it ! Keep the love in your life ! 

 

[Virus01]

Good on you Metal. All of us are confronting our demons in our own way, and it's great that you have the awareness to know which means will be more successful of you. I know I still have work to do in being truly present in the moment as to not slip up or further damage my recovering SO. Have a great weekend, lift something to work off Thanksgiving!

 

[metal22]

Another week...
Visited where we are going to move to.  It was exciting in many ways,  but we both felt like it was a major step forward for both of our recoveries.  For her,  it won't be in her face Everyday.  She can start to heal,  without the constant reminders of what I have done,  and for me it kind of feels like the start of a new life in a way.  I don't really know anyone there,  but people can meet the new me.  Honestly I think I'll appear the same to people,  but I won't have those ugly insides to hide.  Its very exciting.
The other business owner I will be working with extensively I think is a PA.  I mean,  he's not trying to fix anything,  I just sense he's deep in it.
At first I felt guilt leaving my friends and family,  and essentially forcing my SO and kids to do the same.  I've somewhat processed that though,  and feel like I'm ready to move forward.
Coming back was rough for me.  I've been experiencing a lot of frustration.  I think it's self-frustration if there is such a word.  I felt free over there from the heavy burdens of guilt and such.  Like I was worried about how to move,  where to live,  whom to make friends with etc,  but my PA feelings felt actually distant.  Back here,  the burden right back on my shoulders.  I suppose I just need to be patient.
On the plus side my SO seems to be starting to process things a little more.  I think the "light at the end of the tunnel" thing was hopeful to her,  and hope is something she's really struggled with.  Yesterday she even admitted that she had hope that I would be in the future an even better person than she had believed I was before this.  Hearing hope from her made my heart happy.  I know she's still in a great deal of pain,  but seeing even a little healing is so relieving to me.

 

[metal22]

And life goes on...
Been a bit since I updated.  I've been slammed on getting projects done,  and have been feeling like I've been sacrificing other past times ( like working out,  reading on RBN, etc) and she pointed out my attitude sucks.  Wow,  that scared me a bit,  b/c when she said that I looked at how I felt,  and the feelings were similar to how I felt before the reboot.  Yikes!
For me,  leaving P behind has been tough,  but do-able.  It's the old P-brain induced attitudes that just pop up.  I unfortunately re-wired my brain that way,  and when I let my guard down it can go right back.  I guess it was shocking to see even after all this time my brain is happy to go back.  No slip ups,  but obviously it's that selfish, negative mindset that let the long list of justifications occur.
My SO has been struggling with feeling second place.  Since I chose P over our entire relationship,  she feels like a consolation prize.  She is a beautiful woman,  and very attractive,  and I love her.  And on my end it isn't that,  just a bunch of other crap in my head.  But in the end it was me who is making her feel this way.  It just sucks.  I feel like I'm still hurting her,  and I'm too stupid to figure out how not to.  I feel like I'm not helping her enough with her recovery.  But maybe this is just the healing process?

 

[Virus01]

Agreed that focusing on your own recovery will help her heal. Both of you have some deep scars to heal, but you'll have to focus on you. Indirectly you'll be effecting her because she will see your changes and rebuild her relationship with you. It can be overwhelming at times not being able to just "fix things", but this isn't the kind of problem to slap the easy button on. By her seeing you prioritize avoiding P and doing more positive things, she'll see that you are choosing her as well.

 

[metal22]

Just-keep-swimming,  yes I could probably use some counseling.  Do you feel like you get more out of the books or the counseling?  Just curious. I've done some deep thinking on what I've done,  how i've behaved and how I deal with things.  But getting an outside perspective would probably help me process some concepts I may be getting stuck on.
Virus,  I have to admit I'm somewhat afraid to focus more on my recovery.  My pea brain can only handle so much,  and with the busy life my SO and I live I will make mistakes with everything.  Plus she is extremely important to me,  and seeing her suffer is awful.  I really just want to fix it,  I just can't fix it like I fix most things in my life.  I guess I'm afraid if I focus on myself more it will hurt her more,  and in turn she will suffer more.  Does that make any sense?

 

[misc person 86]

Just chiming in so I can get updates on your journal (I believe we have crossed paths months and months ago). Been reading through and it I really commend you for taking responsibility for it all. I'm interested in how you describe your behaviours. I too, feel that a lot of my strange behaviours and mood swings may not have developed if it wasn't for P... But I'll never know. Lastnight I was so upset with myself for the damage I'd caused to myself and previous relationships... I just started thinking about how I've wasted half of my life being a slave and inferior person. I started considering how every aspect of who I am now, is a result of PMO... Lastnight was tough. Keep up the good work, I hope that intimacy and sex is improving between you and your wife.

 

[BKM]

Just love your wife and family. I know you do, they know you do but you need to show it. Be affectionate, make her morning breakfast, take her out for a meal. Take the kids out for a day. Do things that you know she will appreciate. Your story is the most similar to mine on here, so I feel your pain in your journey. Me and my wife have had some real hard times as of late but it's getting better. I have had to completely change my attitude. Drop the denial and justifications and really think about the damage you have done. It is hard, I have found it incredibly difficult. I am just now changing my thoughts for the better and beginning my journey back to what I would call real life. I used to be kind and generous and affectionate and loving when I first met my wife, I want to get back to that, I don't know where I went wrong along the way but porn definitely changed me. It is worth every second, everything you do will be appreciated and recipricated in some way, it's not like you are becoming a slave, if anything you will be free. You will feel again, your wife and family will feel loved and you will see things in a more positive light.
This is by no means the only thing you need to do, you probably do need couselling, I am in couselling. And you do need support and to gain knowledge of your addiction and how to better cope rather than relapse, and why you became addicted in the first place. I am in this place, I am recovering, and it's hard, I have a long way to go yet. accepting it is hard and just doing the work is the hardest thing. I think for a while I was subconsciously trying to find the easiest option, the lazy option, I just wanted life to get back to normal. I tried every trick in the book for this to happen but it won't happen, it can't, nomal would have been terrible for both of us.
Just for now try to make her fall in love with you again, just don't get slack on recovery if things start to get better, it is easy to slip back again and think all is ok and not try anymore. You have a lot of work ahead, we both do.

 

[Virus01]

Definitely familiar with the "lemme just fix this" vibe, but unfortunately you can only indirectly fix it. Both of you are on separate healing paths. There can be times where you can and should support each other, but part of her healing is seeing you becoming the man you are capable of being. Concur with the counseling recommendation, I did it previously. It helps and shows your dedication to getting down to why you did what you did and how you can fix yourself. Her rebuilding confidence in you will take time as you know, so I recommend finding the small victories that will contribute to winning the over struggle together.

 

[metal22]

It will be daily updates for a bit!  I'm excited,  being on here gives me both focus,  connection and accountability.  I'm on the road for work for the next couple weeks and I made a promise to both myself and my SO that I would update daily.  Its good for both of us.
Andyjee,  I have a tendency to over analyze everything,  and I think some of my issues come from my childhood,  but I sadly have to admit almost my entire sexual identity has been sculpted by P.  Or at least that's how I feel,  like I can't tell if my preferences are because of what P I've watched,  or if its something I would like/wouldn't like even if I had never seen P.
JustKeepSwimming,  yeah I knew your previous alias ( my SO pointed it out).  I've always valued your thoughtful comments.  Yes I've said before I would get the book and never did,  but my b-day is coming up and I think I'll get it for myself as a present.  I sometimes think I really am retarded,  so reading more perspectives would help I know.  My SO has "held my hand" so many times in what she needs from me,  and I still either forget sometimes or just don't know.  I would also love to hear about the end goal relationship.
Mayer,  I really appreciate your support.  You and I are on what seems to be parallel paths.  I know counseling would be good for both myself and my SO,  but I'm struggling with the financial part of it right now.  We recently lost our healthcare and I haven't gotten it replaced yet,  and since we are moving to a different state I've been hesitating on jumping down the rabbit hole of time with the obama-care thing.
Virus,  I feel like me being out of town is a small unintentional trust exercise.  And I agree that a continued effort of showing dedication is very important.  When I start acting like my old self her trust in me is shaken.