Facing the consequences of your actions is never easy. Guilt and shame are closely tied to P use. Often, when we feel those feelings we revert, relapse, or continue harmful behaviors we've had in place to cope.
I had a hard couple of days over last week and part of my weekend. Self inflicted by my past actions. My wife still carries a lot of hurt, resentment and questions. I've led her to doubt herself, me and whether I truly want to be with her
. I absolutely do, and am more sure of that than I've ever been. But who wouldn't have concerns, when you've caught your husband watching gay/trans porn. Who wouldn't question, when you know your husband has sent and received pictures and videos from strangers. How could she believe me when I've shown time after time that I'm not trustworthy. 22 years of lies, sneaking, covering & just overall betrayal. It disgusts me, honestly. My stomach churns when I think back to my actions. Dwelling there does no good, but I'll never lose that self hatred over my actions.
My last chance to prove myself and true intentions to her is now. I've learned so much since coming here. I'm very proud of how far I've come these last 2 months. I know I've made progress and gained many tools, that I've never had before.
It's still scary to think that one slip could change everything. One moment of weakness and I could lose all I've gained in my life. It wouldn't be just one though, it's the countless times from the past, that have put me in this do or die situation.
Maybe that's what's made this time "easier". Knowing the edge of the cliff is right in front of me. I've since come to terms with the trauma from my childhood, the triggers that would often send me into binges, and my selfish attitude towards sex. I know I'm walking the right path, and always plan to keep this battle at the forefront. But I also know myself, and though I'm more confident than ever that I can beat this, it still scary to think that I've had plenty of chances already and haven't.
The only way for me , I think, is to just take each day as it comes and focus on making the right choices, moment by moment. I can't take away the awful things I've done to hurt my wife. I can't prove to her my intentions from here on out. All I can do is wake up each day and try to prove to her that she really is the love of my life and best friend. Prove that I'm doing everything I can to be the best version of me, that I can be for her. Enjoy each moment that we have together and cherish each touch.
We're doing much better after some long hard conversations. She's always been my rock, and knows my life wasn't easy before her. She understands addiction and how it can change people into something they're not. But she's also a human, who was betrayed and carries that everywhere. It's really hard facing the damage I've done over the years, but a necessary part of healing. For both of us. I'll take these hard days with my best friend over any easy day without her.
Keep fighting friends