Lifetime of porn use, but ready for the best part of my life to begin

Onmyway19

Active Member
I've not been making my journal a priority. I have been making my family the #1 priority. Reboot Nation has been so extremely beneficial to my recovery. There's not enough gratitude that I could show to the people here that have helped guide me to the point I'm at now.

I'm now over 90 days without P or Psubs. I'm over the moon about this accomplishment, but I know it's far from being over. I've never gotten to this point without a plan to continue not using. I've always had it in my mind that after I get this far, what's the harm in indulging occasionally. Lots of harm. It's nearly ruined everything i worked to build. It's driven me from my family, put a wedge in my marriage, and made me a shell of the person I want to be. I can't even say once was, because I've never truly known a life without some influence from P.😔😔

Until the last 90 some days. I feel more. Good and bad emotions. I've faced some very hard truths and faced a lot of my mistakes in that time. I've never shed so many tears in my life than I have the last 90+ days. Some tears of sadness, some from joy. It's a balance I've never allowed myself to have. Something I always fought against to avoid feeling all those negative emotions. Emotions that are necessary for a healthy life.

Since I've allowed myself to feel ALL my emotions, my life has greatly improved. I'm closer with my children, and am present at home, now more than I've ever been. Though I never stopped loving my wife, I've found myself more enamored than I've been since we first met. I'm fortunate to have such an amazing, caring, beautiful partner to spend my life with. I'll always regret taking her for granted, and never will again. Even the bad days in recovery are better than any of the good days I was hiding everything. To not have that fear of her "catching" me again is maybe the biggest relief of all this. I carried that weight for far longer than I should have and will never, ever pick it up again.

Facing difficulties in life, used to mean binges and betrayal of my marriage vows. It's now something I welcome. Something I embrace, to challenge myself to be the man I know I'm capable of being.

The main reason I came to reboot nation, was PIED. It's terrifying when your dick doesn't work. Especially when deep down, you know why. Since I've stopped using P, I've only had a couple of instances that I had some ED issues. Mostly performance anxiety I think. My attraction to my wife has amplified while my thoughts of bisexuality and other kinks and fetishes have greatly decreased. I'll never put myself in a position to make my wife feel like she isn't enough, ever again. Sex has been incredible, but not the only benefit of quitting. It makes me an all around better partner. Not wasting energy on digital stimulus and putting that energy towards her has made all the difference. Just wishing I would have recognized the damage I was doing sooner.

90+ days without P has led to me being a better version of myself. I can't wait to meet that person after 180 days. 1 year. 5 years. Thanks to all that have interacted with me through messages and my journal. Support is everything in recovery and I feel very well supported.

Keep fighting, friends!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
This is really beautiful, thanks for inspiring me Onmyway. You really hit the nail on the head, life is so much better without porn, even on the bad days when life gets you down. Nothing compares to feeling the emotions and ups and downs of life, and not running off to hide from it!

I'm so happy to hear that life is better with your wife and everything else in your life.

What is your next goal you're shooting for? 4 months?

Keep killing it man!

Blondie
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
This is really beautiful, thanks for inspiring me Onmyway. You really hit the nail on the head, life is so much better without porn, even on the bad days when life gets you down. Nothing compares to feeling the emotions and ups and downs of life, and not running off to hide from it!

I'm so happy to hear that life is better with your wife and everything else in your life.

What is your next goal you're shooting for? 4 months?

Keep killing it man!

Blondie
Honestly, my goal is today. Live each moment the best I can. That's what has gotten me here so far. 4 months, 4 years, 40 years. It will take me nearly that long just to balance how long I did it for🙄.
My goal is to never watch porn again and live each moment the best I can. That's it.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
That's really the best any of us can really do! Thank you Onmyway for being an example in humility, tenacity and showing us that healing is possible.
Appreciate your support Phineas. I'm glad that my journey has been a benefit to others. That's why it's important for all of us to share experiences, good and bad. We can all learn from each other and grow together. It's a beautiful thing.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Extremely proud of you, @Onmyway19! So awesome to read your thoughts on your journey to a better life. Thanks for being here and sharing that with us. Keep truckin' and I hope the best for you! Much love
That means more than you'll probably ever realize. Your story is what led me here. You've been an inspiration for me since day 1. Your journey gave me a sliver hope when I thought my world was ending.

The support from this community is so important to recovery, and it shows in each and every journal I've read. From brand new members to pioneers of rebooting. Everyone gets the same encouragement and love, regardless of their stories. Truly a community of inspirational people

Thank you Gabe, for sharing your story and struggles, and for all you've done for this entire community. It's been the most useful tool I've ever found to help me beat this addiction. I'm forever in debt to reboot nation and hope that I can continue to inspire others.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I've really been reflecting a lot on my past actions lately. Living in the past doesn't do any good. The other side of that coin, if we don't learn from our past, we repeat it..

I've tried many, many times, over the last 30 plus years of use to stop or slow down even. I've had success, but I've always ended up back at that sad, lonely point. Watching others on a screen.

Of those attempts, the longest was after my wife caught me messaging and sharing with others. 😔😔 Still makes me sick to my stomach writing that. I have a beautiful, caring woman, that has never let me down. Never done me wrong. Yet, there I was searching for something that was right in my face the entire time. Even after ripping her heart out, I came back to it. Though it didn't escalate back to searching outside of our marriage, it hurt her even worse this time. After everything we went through. Therapy, 1 terrible couples counseling session, and countless nights of tears and apologies and promises.

Though things did get better, I never really committed. I did make progress. Therapy was a big help in letting go of some of my childhood trauma, familial issues that I never opened up about. What led me to that destructive path I was on. It felt good to let go of those things. What I didn't do, was carry what I learned from that, into my "new life". When new problems began to arise, old habits did also. I knew it wasn't right. Tried to justify it to myself, that I wasn't actually using P, only subs, I wasn’t seeking anything beyond my marriage. Could a wank over Facebook really be that bad? Could reading erotica really send me back into the abyss of P addiction? Abso-fucking-lutely. And with a vengeance. It was like my brain was pissed that I went so long without. By the next week after "testing it out" I was back to PMO multiple times a day. I would go a few days without. Filled with regret and shame. That obviously effects your personality, and my wife is no dummy. She saw the signs, asked what was up, and my dumb ass, of course lied. That was my go to. Hide. Cover. Do not let her know you're a fuck up! Don't let her see you being vulnerable. DON'T HURT HER AGAIN! But, it was already too late. The damage had been done and she knew something was going on.

The next few days were completely life changing. Facing the end of my marriage, again. I knew something had to give. Facing your own failures is a truly humbling experience. Facing the consequences of your actions, is also. I never truly faced the hardest moments in my life. Just buried my emotions over them in piles of naked people. On a screen.😕

Meanwhile, all around me. My children were growing, my wife was trying her best to hold it all together. Where was I? I think you all know that answer.

I guess where I'm going with this, is I still have a ton of regret. It's been really tough for me to forgive myself. I've been lying to my best friend for 22 years! It's worn a hole in my soul that I don't know if it can ever be repaired. As bleek as that sounds, I still have everything that my addiction, and I tried to push away. I still have my family and home and career. I'm grateful for all of it.

The clarity that not using brings on is a double edged sword, though it shows you how great life can be without P, it also opens you to yourself and to face the repercussions of past actions.

I need to move past this, but still hold some of it, as a tool to never go back. Many times in my life, I've been my own worst enemy. My goal from today forward, is to always be my greatest ally.

Keep fighting, friends
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thank you for this Onmyway.

I find these thoughts to be true as well and have wrestled with them over the last few days; I even felt depressed over it a little. It seems to me all we can do is acknowledge them, love the ones we've hurt with the utmost respect, and use that negative energy from our past to compel us forward to the best of our abilities. Of course this is easier said than done.

Keep pressing on brother.

Let us live each day the best version of ourselves, while acknowledging the past yet looking onwards to the future.

Best
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I've been extremely emotional lately. I know that this is progress. The last 4 or 5 days has been kind of a roller coaster of emotions though. Not sure if these emotions are amplified by lack of dopamine, or this is just me. Until recently I've always ran away from any negative emotions, so it's a new feeling to me.

It's quite an experience. Looking into your soul and facing your flaws. Learning not to beat yourself over the head with your lifetime of mistakes. It's tough to not go there. Sometimes I just feel like I'm just not the man that my family needs 😕. I know its not actually true. Just because I've made mistakes doesn't make me unworthy. But sometimes I feel like that. Especially the last few days.

Dwelling there isn't healthy. I recognize this. Forgiving myself is proving to be, possibly, the hardest part of all of this.

I know things will get better. They have, exponentially, in the last 3+ months. But for now, I guess it's just one of those low times in life that we have to battle through

Keep fighting, friends
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks for this honest post Ommyway.

I know what you mean, I felt this way much of last week. It's so easy to get stuck in the rut of thinking about all the things we could have done, might have been, especially for our partners or children. I think so much of it is, as you say, just dealing for the first time with our actual feelings and emotions. In many ways, and this is sad to say, we're adults with the emotional intelligence of children, learning or relearning how to deal with the real world for the first time. This is no easy journey and we need to cut ourselves some slack for even trying it.

I think you're a great man for even trying to look into your soul and figuring this shit out. It takes strength to do this and here you are doing it and embracing your shit. So embrace it, and feel it, cry if you must, yell if you must, hug your family and thank god for another day of being porn free!

And looking on the funny side of things, with our lack of emotional intelligence, we can empathize with children better! :) Use that to your advantage!

I wish you the best man. You're in uncharted territory, which is exactly where you need to be.

Best

Blondie
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Onmyway,

I know this place of regret, and sorrowing for the things done in the past- and the challenge to forgive even oneself.

The sun rises and the new day dawns, irrespective of what we've done- or who we were. This rising isn't to mock us, shame us, or berate us- but is a grace that, yes, even we are forgiven, even we get a second chance.

Each new day is a hope, a gift especially for you, brother. You are forgiven, and each new day is an opportunity to walk that out with joy, humility and grattitude.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Thank you Blondie and Phineas for the kind words of support. It's very much appreciated.

I'm actually feeling a lot better today. Letting go and getting things out in the open really helps.

My biggest struggle lately, or source of stress, has been my son. He's a teenager. To say it's been a struggle the last few years with him would be an understatement. Definitely knows how to push my buttons and really seems to enjoy it. I've failed with maintaining my composure, many times and I know that's what he's after. I dont know why he gets such enjoyment from it, but he does.

Yesterday I was very dilligent in not letting his behavior and actions effect my mood. Though it was trying at times, I was successful. Never lost my temper, or raised my voice. I actually gave him a taste of his own medicine by singing while he was " helping" me change some ceiling fans. He was quite annoyed😏.

Yesterday was certainly a win for me. One I needed to pull out of this funk I've been in. Still have a long road ahead, and I've gotten away from some of the habits I was building earlier in my reboot. Most , I've replaced with being able to work outside again. Winter was always when I used the most. Being able to get into the outdoors and do some work outside has been very beneficial to my mental well-being. Where I need to be is not letting outside influences, weather, family problems, life and work stresses, get me off my center. Maintaining composure in all situations is key to success. I've always been aware of this, now it's time to make it a priority and act on it.

Keep fighting, friends
 
Where I need to be is not letting outside influences, weather, family problems, life and work stresses, get me off my center. Maintaining composure in all situations is key to success. I've always been aware of this, now it's time to make it a priority and act on it.
Great progress Onmyway! Seems you are making changes that will have a positive impact beyond not watching porn (which is a huge positive in itself) 💪
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice to hear about you and your son, and good job on keeping the upper hand in that situation! 🤣 Reading that made me smile. I don't have children, but I do remember being one - damn we could be little shits back then!

Keep it up Onmyway.
 
Thank you Blondie and Phineas for the kind words of support. It's very much appreciated.

I'm actually feeling a lot better today. Letting go and getting things out in the open really helps.

My biggest struggle lately, or source of stress, has been my son. He's a teenager. To say it's been a struggle the last few years with him would be an understatement. Definitely knows how to push my buttons and really seems to enjoy it. I've failed with maintaining my composure, many times and I know that's what he's after. I dont know why he gets such enjoyment from it, but he does.

Yesterday I was very dilligent in not letting his behavior and actions effect my mood. Though it was trying at times, I was successful. Never lost my temper, or raised my voice. I actually gave him a taste of his own medicine by singing while he was " helping" me change some ceiling fans. He was quite annoyed😏.

Yesterday was certainly a win for me. One I needed to pull out of this funk I've been in. Still have a long road ahead, and I've gotten away from some of the habits I was building earlier in my reboot. Most , I've replaced with being able to work outside again. Winter was always when I used the most. Being able to get into the outdoors and do some work outside has been very beneficial to my mental well-being. Where I need to be is not letting outside influences, weather, family problems, life and work stresses, get me off my center. Maintaining composure in all situations is key to success. I've always been aware of this, now it's time to make it a priority and act on it.

Keep fighting, friends

i think what is so positive about your post is your are dealing with a real life problem in a real life way, and not escaping into a fantasy world, using PMO, or even just MO to "deal" with it.
 
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