Lifetime of porn use, but ready for the best part of my life to begin

[Onmyway19]

60 days today. I've not been keeping real close track of my time rebooting. Mostly because it's not about how many days I've abstained, it's more about making lifestyle changes. Developing new habits to replace the old harmful ones. Seeing the beauty in being present with my family. Realizing all I've truly missed by giving in to this addiction.

I do have a pretty great sense of accomplishment for reaching this milestone though. It's a victory in the long term battle. It's a tipping of the scale towards me being free from the grip of P and unhealthy habits.

I could never have reached this point without support. My wife has been my biggest cheerleader, even after all I've put her through. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet to have her as my best friend.
Finding this forum has literally saved my life. The encouragement and support from here is like nothing I've experienced and I'm very grateful to have found reboot nation. Thanks to all you brave warriors that come here and tell your journey, so that others can benefit from it. Keep fighting friends

 

[Blondie]

Congratulations on this accomplishment Onmyway, this is a great thing. The changes you've made and the new habits you're forming really are amazing. And you're right, quitting porn is not about, not doing something, but about doing life! I'm glad your wife is cheering you on on this journey. Having that is a tremendous help in this fight. I too have a lady who is on my side, and for which I am very grateful.

Keep killing it man!

 

[Tryinghere]

60 days today. I've not been keeping real close track of my time rebooting. Mostly because it's not about how many days I've abstained, it's more about making lifestyle changes. Developing new habits to replace the old harmful ones. Seeing the beauty in being present with my family. Realizing all I've truly missed by giving in to this addiction.

I do have a pretty great sense of accomplishment for reaching this milestone though. It's a victory in the long term battle. It's a tipping of the scale towards me being free from the grip of P and unhealthy habits.

I could never have reached this point without support. My wife has been my biggest cheerleader, even after all I've put her through. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet to have her as my best friend.
Finding this forum has literally saved my life. The encouragement and support from here is like nothing I've experienced and I'm very grateful to have found reboot nation. Thanks to all you brave warriors that come here and tell your journey, so that others can benefit from it. Keep fighting friends

You're doing a fantastic job my friend. Having a wife to go through it with is amazing. We're both lucky in that regard. Things will keep getting better too. I'm happy to have joined you along your journey.

 

[searching4good]

60 days today. I've not been keeping real close track of my time rebooting. Mostly because it's not about how many days I've abstained, it's more about making lifestyle changes. Developing new habits to replace the old harmful ones. Seeing the beauty in being present with my family. Realizing all I've truly missed by giving in to this addiction.

I do have a pretty great sense of accomplishment for reaching this milestone though. It's a victory in the long term battle. It's a tipping of the scale towards me being free from the grip of P and unhealthy habits.

I could never have reached this point without support. My wife has been my biggest cheerleader, even after all I've put her through. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet to have her as my best friend.
Finding this forum has literally saved my life. The encouragement and support from here is like nothing I've experienced and I'm very grateful to have found reboot nation. Thanks to all you brave warriors that come here and tell your journey, so that others can benefit from it. Keep fighting friends

Keep it up my friend - I'm new on here and I wanted to say how it's really motivating to hear how amazingly you're growing through such a difficult thing. Sending you my respect and blessings from London.

 

[Onmyway19]

Keep it up my friend - I'm new on here and I wanted to say how it's really motivating to hear how amazingly you're growing through such a difficult thing. Sending you my respect and blessings from London.

I appreciate your support. You made a great choice in coming here. Reading others struggles and triumphs has also helped motivate me in the success I've had so far. It's also motivated me to share as much as possible. The support and information from this forum has been the major difference from my previous attempts at quitting.

Best of luck to you friend.

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats on passing the 60 day mark, Onmyway! Glad that you're tipping the scale, as you put it, away from the unhealthy habits and the porn-pit.

Wishing you continued strength!

 

[Onmyway19]

Done with being my own worst enemy. Only positive thoughts and beneficial habits will be accepted.

I know my last few journal entries have been a bit down, but I'm in such a better place than I've ever been, even the hard days are easier to cope with.

Grateful to have found reboot nation, and looking forward to continue growing with all of you. Have a great weekend all. Keep fighting, friends!

 

[Tryinghere]

You’ve done, and continue to do a great job. Glad to be a part of it with you sir.

 

[Blondie]

I hope you're doing well Onmyway19. Keep killing it!

 

[Onmyway19]

I hope you're doing well Onmyway19. Keep killing it!

Appreciate the support my friend. I am doing pretty damn good actually. I know I haven't written much lately. Work has been pretty busy. Also, on the advice of a really smart person I've met, I've been filling my life with REAL LIFE. Enjoying my family, challenging myself with exercising more, putting in much more effort at work instead of just going through the motions.

I do also feel the comfortability of my reboot now, which can be a slippery slope. I'm at a point where I know my goals are achievable, which is where I've slipped in the past. Becoming complacent and lingering in places I know can be detrimental. I haven't. I've become much more aware when I see something on social media or television that could be triggering. Your post about lust the other day, hit the nail on the head, with me. I've actually been thinking a LOT about how lust and sex have guided my thinking for as long as I can remember. I'm now realizing that diet of material I was feeding my brain, is what created that hypersexuality. Since not consuming, the porn flashbacks are decreasing more each week. Noticing good looking people in public isn't the constant distraction it once was. It's barely a blip on my radar anymore. I too have always been looking for the next great thing, instead of appreciating the wonderful things and people already in my life. It's been a relief to see my life for what it truly is, instead of thinking it wasn't enough. It always was enough, but those outside influences blinded me to that.

I'll always regret the amount of time it took for me to realize this, but I'll do everything it takes to always be grateful for the chance to right it.

Though this is not my longest time without P, it's definitely my most profound and productive. Looking forward to a P free existence for the rest of my life. Keep fighting friends.

 

[particularly_respecting]

I've been filling my life with REAL LIFE. Enjoying my family, challenging myself with exercising more, putting in much more effort at work instead of just going through the motions.

Sounds like great progress. I'm sure the people around you must be noticing the positive change too
Keep us updated - inspiring to read about your journey!

 

[Onmyway19]

Sounds like great progress. I'm sure the people around you must be noticing the positive change too

I wish that was true. I was very skilled at lying and pretending I was ok. Long story short, nobody ever knew what was going on because I hid it so well, so now that things are actually better, everything seems the same as it was. Thus making it hard for my wife to know the real progress that's been made. I try to make sure she knows where my progress is. She isn't always receptive to that info as it still carries a lot of hurt. Understandably.

I have been more complacent with those sorts of updates which has led to more doubt from her. I'm not bitching about that, it's just a fact and a consequence of my actions. Having to reassure her is something I'm actually grateful for. That I still have the chance to do that is a miracle and something I'll never let go of. Also, the fact that I'm not lying to her about my use. I can look her square in the eye and tell the honest truth and not fear the repercussions, because their is nothing to lie about.

THAT! That's a feeling I've chased for as long as I can remember. Not having anything to hide or be ashamed of. Not living insidiously behind a screen and pixels. This is something I'll never give up again.

I know there will still be ups and downs as my reboot continues. She has her own healing to do that I can't help with. But I've promised myself and her that I will never fall back into that cycle again. I'll never jeopardize her love and trust, and that she'll always get the best version of me for as long as we live.

It's not been an easy road, but the easy path has led me to some awful places. Only necessary and beneficial paths from here on.
Thanks for all the support. Keep fighting, friends.

 

[SmokenMirrors]

You're doing great!

 

[Blondie]

I wish that was true. I was very skilled at lying and pretending I was ok. Long story short, nobody ever knew what was going on because I hid it so well, so now that things are actually better, everything seems the same as it was. Thus making it hard for my wife to know the real progress that's been made. I try to make sure she knows where my progress is. She isn't always receptive to that info as it still carries a lot of hurt. Understandably.

I have been more complacent with those sorts of updates which has led to more doubt from her. I'm not bitching about that, it's just a fact and a consequence of my actions. Having to reassure her is something I'm actually grateful for. That I still have the chance to do that is a miracle and something I'll never let go of. Also, the fact that I'm not lying to her about my use. I can look her square in the eye and tell the honest truth and not fear the repercussions, because their is nothing to lie about.

THAT! That's a feeling I've chased for as long as I can remember. Not having anything to hide or be ashamed of. Not living insidiously behind a screen and pixels. This is something I'll never give up again.

I know there will still be ups and downs as my reboot continues. She has her own healing to do that I can't help with. But I've promised myself and her that I will never fall back into that cycle again. I'll never jeopardize her love and trust, and that she'll always get the best version of me for as long as we live.

It's not been an easy road, but the easy path has led me to some awful places. Only necessary and beneficial paths from here on.
Thanks for all the support. Keep fighting, friends.

That was beautiful man. I appreciate your honesty. I know the pain isn't beautiful, but facing truth and honesty is, and for that I commend you. You're making some great changes in your life, keep it up! It is very inspiring to read.

 

[Tryinghere]

I wish that was true. I was very skilled at lying and pretending I was ok. Long story short, nobody ever knew what was going on because I hid it so well, so now that things are actually better, everything seems the same as it was. Thus making it hard for my wife to know the real progress that's been made. I try to make sure she knows where my progress is. She isn't always receptive to that info as it still carries a lot of hurt. Understandably.

I have been more complacent with those sorts of updates which has led to more doubt from her. I'm not bitching about that, it's just a fact and a consequence of my actions. Having to reassure her is something I'm actually grateful for. That I still have the chance to do that is a miracle and something I'll never let go of. Also, the fact that I'm not lying to her about my use. I can look her square in the eye and tell the honest truth and not fear the repercussions, because their is nothing to lie about.

THAT! That's a feeling I've chased for as long as I can remember. Not having anything to hide or be ashamed of. Not living insidiously behind a screen and pixels. This is something I'll never give up again.

I know there will still be ups and downs as my reboot continues. She has her own healing to do that I can't help with. But I've promised myself and her that I will never fall back into that cycle again. I'll never jeopardize her love and trust, and that she'll always get the best version of me for as long as we live.

It's not been an easy road, but the easy path has led me to some awful places. Only necessary and beneficial paths from here on.
Thanks for all the support. Keep fighting, friends.

My dude

 

[Onmyway19]

I've been in a major funk for the last few weeks. Just un motivated and down. Somewhat joyless, though I'm grateful for all I have. I think it may partly be some sort of flatline, though I've had no ED issues. I feel it stems partly, also, from the clarity I now have.

The hardest part is just seeing the damage I've done and things I've missed from being consumed by P. I know dwelling here isn't doing any good. I try stay active to combat these feelings of guilt. Sometimes they just catch up to me and put me in a place I don't want to be in, but struggle to escape from.

The thought of pmo hasn't crossed my mind in months. It's not even a consideration anymore. But the after effects of neglecting my responsibilities and relationships keep rearing their ugly head. I understand that these are the consequences of decades of bad habits.
It's just a lot. A lot of regret and guilt.

I know I can't change the past. But I saw my son in tears, over something he experienced, that no child ever should. He's been struggling a lot with some trauma he experienced. Something I feel like I could have prevented had I not been consumed with my own bullshit. There's no feeling like you haven't done enough to protect your child from the cold hurtful world.

I'm just not in a good place with myself lately. I know eventually I'll get there. But these last few weeks feels like I've taken a few steps backwards.

These feelings used to send me into full on pmo frenzy to numb them. I'd rather feel like this and address my issues head on than ever use porn again.

Keep fighting, friends

 

[Tryinghere]

I've been in a major funk for the last few weeks. Just un motivated and down. Somewhat joyless, though I'm grateful for all I have. I think it may partly be some sort of flatline, though I've had no ED issues. I feel it stems partly, also, from the clarity I now have.

The hardest part is just seeing the damage I've done and things I've missed from being consumed by P. I know dwelling here isn't doing any good. I try stay active to combat these feelings of guilt. Sometimes they just catch up to me and put me in a place I don't want to be in, but struggle to escape from.

The thought of pmo hasn't crossed my mind in months. It's not even a consideration anymore. But the after effects of neglecting my responsibilities and relationships keep rearing their ugly head. I understand that these are the consequences of decades of bad habits.
It's just a lot. A lot of regret and guilt.

I know I can't change the past. But I saw my son in tears, over something he experienced, that no child ever should. He's been struggling a lot with some trauma he experienced. Something I feel like I could have prevented had I not been consumed with my own bullshit. There's no feeling like you haven't done enough to protect your child from the cold hurtful world.

I'm just not in a good place with myself lately. I know eventually I'll get there. But these last few weeks feels like I've taken a few steps backwards.

These feelings used to send me into full on pmo frenzy to numb them. I'd rather feel like this and address my issues head on than ever use porn again.

Keep fighting, friends

Trust that your feelings right now are part of the process. I felt like garbage for most of the first 3/4 months dude. You’re healing. Keep going. You’re doing good.

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Trust that your feelings right now are part of the process. I felt like garbage for most of the first 3/4 months dude. You’re healing. Keep going. You’re doing good.

As did/do I! All part of recovery, it shows it's working!

 

[Onmyway19]

Feeling a bit better than I have been recently. Work has still been quite hectic, which is good. Taking on more responsibilities at work has led to less ass time and less screen time. A handful of attaboys as well. I used P a lot at work when things were quiet. Pretty shameful act, but it was easy. The easy path is often the wrong one. I've really limited my phone usage at work and home since joining reboot nation . It's been great disconnecting and reconnecting with the real world.

Not always been easy. My wife still struggles with the betrayal. It's hard facing the consequences of my actions, but necessary. As understanding as she's been, she's still hurt. Only time and continued effort and improvement from me can help heal that wound. I'm just grateful that I still have the opportunity.

Approaching 90 days. It's a significant thing to me but also kind of just a marker along the highway. I don't want to downplay it's importance. But I've been at this many days. Not many times and not with the right mindset, but I've been here and past it, and faltered...

I put my wife and family through hell and thought I was "better" and faltered. Never again will I waste another second on digital stimulus that offers nothing in return. I made terrible choices for most of my life and now I'm attempting to attone for them. I know I'm a better person without P. Trying to find the answers as to why I never saw before what it was doing to me is a rough journey. Why i spent probably 80- 85% of my marriage hiding my use instead of appreciating the beautiful woman that has devoted everything to me. It truly makes me disgusted. But I can't live in remorse. I can only focus on living each moment the best that I can. And that's how I plan on never giving in to this addiction that's taken so much away.

Looking forward to a few days away with just my wife. Well deserved for both of us and another fantastic memory in our lifetime together.

Thanks again to all of reboot nation. The support here is everything. Keep fighting, friends

 

[Tryinghere]

Feeling a bit better than I have been recently. Work has still been quite hectic, which is good. Taking on more responsibilities at work has led to less ass time and less screen time. A handful of attaboys as well. I used P a lot at work when things were quiet. Pretty shameful act, but it was easy. The easy path is often the wrong one. I've really limited my phone usage at work and home since joining reboot nation . It's been great disconnecting and reconnecting with the real world.

Not always been easy. My wife still struggles with the betrayal. It's hard facing the consequences of my actions, but necessary. As understanding as she's been, she's still hurt. Only time and continued effort and improvement from me can help heal that wound. I'm just grateful that I still have the opportunity.

Approaching 90 days. It's a significant thing to me but also kind of just a marker along the highway. I don't want to downplay it's importance. But I've been at this many days. Not many times and not with the right mindset, but I've been here and past it, and faltered...

I put my wife and family through hell and thought I was "better" and faltered. Never again will I waste another second on digital stimulus that offers nothing in return. I made terrible choices for most of my life and now I'm attempting to attone for them. I know I'm a better person without P. Trying to find the answers as to why I never saw before what it was doing to me is a rough journey. Why i spent probably 80- 85% of my marriage hiding my use instead of appreciating the beautiful woman that has devoted everything to me. It truly makes me disgusted. But I can't live in remorse. I can only focus on living each moment the best that I can. And that's how I plan on never giving in to this addiction that's taken so much away.

Looking forward to a few days away with just my wife. Well deserved for both of us and another fantastic memory in our lifetime together.

Thanks again to all of reboot nation. The support here is everything. Keep fighting, friends

You’re doing great dude. Glad to have spoken to you a bit through your journey. Things continue to get so much better from this point on.