Reflecting on my relapse; I realise looking back how exhausted and low I was feeling, and how I started to isolate again, even from here. I can see that my efforts at recovery also took it out of me a bit, and I began to see it as a battle. After my second or third slip, I literally couldn't find the energy or power needed to start again as it felt overwhelming, so I convinced myself I needed a break! So its a matter of perspective, but mainly energy. I didn't really enjoy the relapse, except perhaps the first one or two binges, porn stopped arousing me and it was like I was making myself do it. Several times I gave up in disgust, realising it doesn't do it for me any more, seeing it differently less of a magic playground and more like a dark prison. There was also the decline in self-esteem, which is inevitable, and more and more negative self talk. That terrible feeling of watching a sexual scene in a movie, and feeling as though I cant do that, I am not a man any more..because I am twisted up through technology and weakness.
The two things I want to focus on to give myself a change - belief and self care.
Belief. I realise I have to believe I can do this, in spite of the evidence for the prosecution! Its so easy to start telling myself I can't do it, or need a partner, or better life circumstances. Excuses in other words. I have to replace these stories with empowering ones. Your stories and successes are so important to me for this. I get frustrated as I have all the tools and wisdom to do it, loads of spiritual and recovery experience and yet can't manage this one or do a reboot! So that has to become - I can and will do a fucking reboot.
Self care is about energy - without the energy I can't stay motivated. I have to have a hard look at my working patterns and self care if I am to have any hope of succeeding with a reboot. Its a catch 22, because to reduce my hours I need to put effort into developing my business, but don't have the energy lol. I do wonder if there is something beneath that though, some kind of fear of trying, feelings of not being good enough etc.
Anyway I can and must care for myself a lot better within my current circumstances, that comes first and it's basic self love. Be super aware of energy levels, and doing all I can to increase energy. I accept that I seem very prone to deep fatigue, so have to really focus on this. If I can't love myself I can't hope to love someone else. I need to clean house - internally and externally. Meditation, cleaning, exercise, good sleep and nutrition. Then when I feel better in myself, and when the reboot energy kicks in I can focus on creating changes. Keep it simple, remember where good feelings come from, and it certainly isn't from porn.