I hope you feel better by Christmas! And right on about coming here instead of the porn sites!
Well said Nico. I have long history of "everything will be better if I just ... ". Focusing on now has been, and continues to be, so helpful.12. Similar restlessness last night at work, and gnawing temptations to check a fetish social media site which I resisted and read another novel and settled down with a hypnosis again - which I am finding so helpful as its like being meditated really. I have started to try and do chunks of meditation when I can, as I know even short sessions benefit, and gradually get in the habit of longer sits as it most definitely leads to happiness.
What else gives me happiness? Dance, music, women, sex, beauty/nature, gratitude, doing things for others/service, friends, deep chats, creative projects, books, wisdom, giving and receiving massage/healing..and I may as well include some things from the past when I was a bit more spritely like snowboarding, martial arts, and surfing. What always seemed to but doesn't is porn, fetish, and alcohol/soft drugs. Actually there is a lot that fits that category, and I am reminded of the futility of hoping to find lasting satisfaction in a world where everything is impermanent. And yet I do, time and time again, somehow find something to focus on (eg a healing centre, or a beautiful home, or relationship) and fall into the trap of wanting it really badly and assuming I will become happy if...and boom, my happiness is misplaced somewhere in the future!
So meditation helps me to remember it is found here and now only, and I can cultivate that whilst also working towards something. Its just remembering where happiness comes from and where it is found. Its a relief to remind myself of this because I get lost in stories about needing to change my work life and do this or that, but its the inner life that matters. I could achieve something amazing but if my mind is troubled and seeking happiness in things or the future, it will never satisfy me.
Anyway - all that matters is getting to day 13, oh, and doing some meditation lol