Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

Day 43

Thanks for the encouragement @swimmer97, that made my day. And that picture, where did you find that of me?

With much love,
Blondie

You're absolutely right man. Porn desensitizes us but also dehumanizes the women involved. No one ends up well at the end...we are destroying our brains and they are destroying theirs (if not also their bodies). Truth is, for 99% of these women it's too late as almost no one who grew up well adjusted is using porn / is a hooker / cam girl / etc....and that's very sad, but it's NOT too late for us to quit and get our lives back on track.

Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles.

Yes it's a terrible cycle of destruction for everyone involved. However, just thinking about them as people seems to be the first step in turning the spell off and getting your head out of your ass to admit reality. I think it's too easy for us men to "blame" these women for "seducing" us etc., however, we should be mindful that they are just as much a part of the system as we are. Their world is our world, and we're all somewhat responsible in partaking in it and sustaining it. That doesn't mean I would choose them for a wife necessarily, however, it does mean I should approach them with empathy and understanding as much I hope someone would do for me.

I'm glad you and your lady are working things out.

Thanks brother, me too!

Obviously you are in a relationship, but what other hobbies give you that deep satisfaction? Might be worth building a few more

Yes, I still need to work on this. What I'm studying in college is a great passion of mine, and at the moment, I don't have much time for anything else, so at least that makes me happy.

Best brother, and as always, thank you.

Nailed it….

and love is there too….because genuine friendship with sex becomes true love.

This is a fact. Thank you for reminding me @GBS.

It really is a beautiful thing what we're talking about here.

Love you.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 43

Thanks for the encouragement @swimmer97, that made my day. And that picture, where did you find that of me?

With much love,
Blondie


Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles.

Yes it's a terrible cycle of destruction for everyone involved. However, just thinking about them as people seems to be the first step in turning the spell off and getting your head out of your ass to admit reality. I think it's too easy for us men to "blame" these women for "seducing" us etc., however, we should be mindful that they are just as much a part of the system as we are. Their world is our world, and we're all somewhat responsible in partaking in it and sustaining it. That doesn't mean I would choose them for a wife necessarily, however, it does mean I should approach them with empathy and understanding as much I hope someone would do for me.

Ah I meant no one well adjusted is 'doing porn' not 'using porn' (since literally 90%+ of guys use porn lol). You're absolutely right, we shouldn't treat anyone is sub-human or anything, just be aware and do our part to make the world and our lives and the lives of people around us better

Thanks brother, me too!

Yes, I still need to work on this. What I'm studying in college is a great passion of mine, and at the moment, I don't have much time for anything else, so at least that makes me happy.

Best brother, and as always, thank you.

This is a fact. Thank you for reminding me @GBS.

It really is a beautiful thing what we're talking about here.

Love you.

 

[Blondie]

Day 44

Ah I meant no one well adjusted is 'doing porn' not 'using porn' (since literally 90%+ of guys use porn lol).

I figured that was what you meant @First_step_thousand_miles.

You all have a great porn-free weekend, and remember what our moms taught us when we were little, "Son, always tell the truth!"

Learning how to tell the truth might be the greatest step in our recoveries, even better than never looking at porn again, because it's only in telling the truth, is where we face up to this habit like men, and bring it out into the light. Sure, everything might come crashing down beside you, but how could it not be? You've been living like a little boy for your entire life, lying like a little bitch, and hiding in the dark about this habit for years.

Maybe just maybe, everything blowing up around you might be God's saving grace. Maybe just maybe, a slap to the face is just what you need.

Sure, you might loose your wife to whom you've been lying to for years now. Sure, you might loose your partner whom you've lied to like a psychopath for years as well. But at least, the truth will be out, and then you can actually pick up the pieces and become the man you want to be. Of course, maybe you won't loose them at all, and something stronger and more beautiful than you've ever imagined will blossom before you, but you'll never know if you battle this in the darkness like you always have.

This shit habit started in the shadows, how dare we think it could ever be fixed in the shadows as well.

Tell the truth son. Always tell the truth.

 

[GBS]

need.

Sure, you might loose your wife to whom you've been lying to for years now. Sure, you might loose your partner whom you've lied to like a psychopath for years as well. But at least, the truth will be out, and then you can actually pick up the pieces and become the man you want to be. Of course, maybe you won't loose them at all, and something stronger and more beautiful than you've ever imagined will blossom before you, but you'll never know if you battle this in the darkness like you always have.

In case we’re all in life support - we should take nore. @Blondie writes a great deal,but rarely a more perfect paragraph. You might lose your wife/girlfriend….. gonna let that slide…..this right here is the crux, be totally honest. Be that to your mates and your partner, t he whole nine yards. All in.

 

[Blondie]

Day 45

Thanks @GBS!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

You are right @Blondie! Thanks for sharing.
I find that porn (or, most porn scenarios) also distances us from what a real, loving and kind sexual relationship can be, with intimacy and care...
Let's remind ourselves that it's what we're gaining with quitting porn.

 

[Blondie]

Day 46

You are right @Blondie! Thanks for sharing.
I find that porn (or, most porn scenarios) also distances us from what a real, loving and kind sexual relationship can be, with intimacy and care...
Let's remind ourselves that it's what we're gaining with quitting porn.

Thanks @the_mountain_goat. Yes, the whole porn scenarios thing is really annoying and is so far away from reality and a real loving relationship, that's it's laughable when you stop to think about it. Did I really think this shit was hot?

Best brother!

I've had a few slight urges these last few days, nothing crazy but it's been there all the same. I hate to admit it but it's true, going back to the filth has tricked my brain again. The pull isn't terrible like I remember it being sometimes back in the day, nor are my thoughts really sexualized walking around or anything, however, there is a slight pull that wasn't there before. All I can say is, I'm glad I'm living in the truth, because, without my Lady knowing what I did just 46 days ago and all the shit that has just gone down between us because of that fact, well, it would be much easier to "take a look".

Lying is not an option

Peace

 

[Blondie]

Day 47

- I'm thankful for my Lady today
- I'm thankful for my dog
- I'm thankful for forgiveness
- I'm thankful for another chance
- I'm thankful that there's only so many chances in this life, and
- I'm thankful for the drive that gives a man when fully understood
- I'm thankful for boundaries and the consequences thereof
- I'm thankful for the "disaster" that was this last month
- I'm thankful for the truth this morning, and I will revel in it today as I used to revel in porn years ago

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

In my opinion (and this is my opinion, what I believe) a successful rebooter is, in this order:

1) Someone who started today and in 2 years he had 2 years porn free with absolutely no relapse (this is the ideal we all strive for, so help us God);
2) Someone who never returns to the "routine". The routine being every week, every day .... Whatever, in other words, any routine that is "too often" (this is very important, how often the relapses are between each other), that can tie long streaks together, like go 90 days, relapse, but go 90 days again.

In my opinion, of course, easier said than done that we want number 1 but number 2 is more than 90% of us addicts do. And you sir you are right there. You know you can achieve number 2. Now think about how you can achieve number 1 and be a legend!

You are one of these people than can do it bro!

 

[Blondie]

Day 48

Thanks for this @Escapeandnevercomeback. I've never know what to say after such a compliment, but I read in a book once just to say thank you, so there you go.

And you sir you are right there. You know you can achieve number 2. Now think about how you can achieve number 1 and be a legend!

I think you're right, in the sense of thinking about how to achieve number 2 is of great importance. As for me, and after this last relapse especially, I know what got me to almost two years clean was living in the truth. However, I see now I was still living to some extent a double life in my thoughts, though I never acted out until my big relapse last fall. Thus, this time around, I'm going to need to be more transparent with myself firstly, and then with those around me, especially my Lady. This is why I've been harping on about telling the truth these last 48 days, because it's really that important.

I'm sure all addictions lead to double lives, but this addiction lends itself especially well to the shadows, where you can go on for years, decades even, and no one knows about it but you and your cum drenched computer screen. Thus, living this double life is just as bad as the addiction itself, maybe even worse, because the "addiction" of hiding shit is devastating to those around you, who deserve to know the truth. And even worse, the addiction of living a double life is doubly devastating for the addict, who deserves to face the truth, and quite frankly, deserves to face the consequences of his actions. How can one really move on from this habit, even while trying to honestly quit porn, while they continue the habit of living a double life, which has always been a wingman for the addiction itself? Sure, it might not be pretty when the truth comes out, but how the hell could it be? Our women were lied to for years on end, and they'll never get those years back.

Maybe just maybe, we shouldn't be trying to quit porn at all, but rather, trying to focus on telling the truth daily, no matter the consequences. I know which one is harder to do, and let me tell you, it's not porn.

Maybe just maybe, we should be focusing on killing that little boy within us, who hid the broken china set from his mother, instead of owning up to it like a real man, and saying, "Mom, I have something to tell you".

Maybe just maybe, our fears of our "mothers" has turned into our fears of our partners, and thus, we're still little boys inside, running and hiding and never fessing up and having that important conversation, "Honey, I have to something to tell you".

Maybe just maybe, we shouldn't be counting days from our last relapse at all, but counting our last day from being a bitch and running like a little boy. Day 12 from being a complete an utter coward.

I'm far from a perfect man, but I do aim to tell the truth, and I believe there is nothing better or more freeing in this life, than striving to be a man of truth, even if done imperfectly sometimes.

May the epithet on my tombstone read.

Here lies Blondie
The man with no name,
But a man of truth
all the same.
Mom, it was me
who broke the china set.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 48

Thanks for this @Escapeandnevercomeback. I've never know what to say after such a compliment, but I read in a book once just to say thank you, so there you go.

No problem, man. It's sufficient.

I think you're right, in the sense of thinking about how to achieve number 2 is of great importance.

I believe this number 2 (being able to consistently get longer streaks, not just 5 days, 1 week whatever) is the step towards long term abstinence. Because it's pretty unrealistic to expect a guy who PMOs every day or every 2 days to go 1 year no relapses. Can it be done? I guess it could but I don't see it too often though that's why I'm saying it's unrealistic. I think we need to learn first how to get long streaks consistently, how to make long streaks be a routine in itself, a habit. Then we can plan our next move towards the ultimate abstinence. That's why I said what I said: I believe that after the Gs that have long long streaks without relapsing (which is what we all want), the next for me who are doing great are those that get long streaks on a regular basis. The opposite of this would be to go from 90 days back to every 2 days (or whatever routine each of us have. If someone relapses every 2 days then goes 90 days then comes back to every 2 days, it's not the same thing). That's why I believe you can do it because you've had several long streaks already since I've been around. And this number 2 that I'm talking about is something I'm trying to figure out how to achieve in the near future.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

As for me, and after this last relapse especially, I know what got me to almost two years clean was living in the truth. However, I see now I was still living to some extent a double life in my thoughts, though I never acted out until my big relapse last fall. Thus, this time around, I'm going to need to be more transparent with myself firstly, and then with those around me, especially my Lady. This is why I've been harping on about telling the truth these last 48 days, because it's really that important.

I'm sure all addictions lead to double lives, but this addiction lends itself especially well to the shadows, where you can go on for years, decades even, and no one knows about it but you and your cum drenched computer screen. Thus, living this double life is just as bad as the addiction itself, maybe even worse, because the "addiction" of hiding shit is devastating to those around you, who deserve to know the truth. And even worse, the addiction of living a double life is doubly devastating for the addict, who deserves to face the truth, and quite frankly, deserves to face the consequences of his actions. How can one really move on from this habit, even while trying to honestly quit porn, while they continue the habit of living a double life, which has always been a wingman for the addiction itself? Sure, it might not be pretty when the truth comes out, but how the hell could it be? Our women were lied to for years on end, and they'll never get those years back.

Maybe just maybe, we shouldn't be trying to quit porn at all, but rather, trying to focus on telling the truth daily, no matter the consequences. I know which one is harder to do, and let me tell you, it's not porn.

Maybe just maybe, we should be focusing on killing that little boy within us, who hid the broken china set from his mother, instead of owning up to it like a real man, and saying, "Mom, I have something to tell you".

Maybe just maybe, our fears of our "mothers" has turned into our fears of our partners, and thus, we're still little boys inside, running and hiding and never fessing up and having that important conversation, "Honey, I have to something to tell you".

Maybe just maybe, we shouldn't be counting days from our last relapse at all, but counting our last day from being a bitch and running like a little boy. Day 12 from being a complete an utter coward.

I'm far from a perfect man, but I do aim to tell the truth, and I believe there is nothing better or more freeing in this life, than striving to be a man of truth, even if done imperfectly sometimes.

May the epithet on my tombstone read.

Here lies Blondie
The man with no name,
But a man of truth
all the same.
Mom, it was me
who broke the china set.

I don't really know what to say to this but I'm with you, man, I agree with the telling the truth part, it's empowering and liberating to know you are real. This stupid addiction is the kind that leads to a double life but the problem that I have with it is that it can run in the background and it's not easy for people around me to see it. There is so much heroin I can shoot before I start looking like shit and people noticing I'm fucked but with porn, I can go on for 3 days straight edging to all the bullshit and still can't kill myself, there is no fear of death with this, I can't say "If I don't stop this I'm going to die." Meanwhile, I've been mediocre in all this time, only running on 20% of the energy that I should have because I give the other 80% to this stupid porn addiction, and people around me don't know why I'm lethargic and look uninterested and unmotivated. And this is this "truth" moment, where I wish I could write it on my shirt: I am a porn addict, that's why I'm mediocre, just so all of you can know. But it doesn't go that way. There is all thing, man: Maybe saying I am a porn addict is less of a problem that I make it be but there is always all those impressions, man, that people are gonna say about me that I'm either a loser who can't get laid or a pervert. The shame. Just like Eli Nash, who famously did a TEDx talk where he talked about porn addiction and I feel that once it comes out of the shadows and we can declare ok I am a porn addict, I got caught in this trap, only then we can move on and get rid of the shame and after getting rid of the shame we can recover.

 

[Blondie]

Day 49

No problem, man. It's sufficient.

No problem, man. It's sufficient.



I believe this number 2 (being able to consistently get longer streaks, not just 5 days, 1 week whatever) is the step towards long term abstinence. Because it's pretty unrealistic to expect a guy who PMOs every day or every 2 days to go 1 year no relapses. Can it be done? I guess it could but I don't see it too often though that's why I'm saying it's unrealistic. I think we need to learn first how to get long streaks consistently, how to make long streaks be a routine in itself, a habit. Then we can plan our next move towards the ultimate abstinence. That's why I said what I said: I believe that after the Gs that have long long streaks without relapsing (which is what we all want), the next for me who are doing great are those that get long streaks on a regular basis. The opposite of this would be to go from 90 days back to every 2 days (or whatever routine each of us have. If someone relapses every 2 days then goes 90 days then comes back to every 2 days, it's not the same thing). That's why I believe you can do it because you've had several long streaks already since I've been around. And this number 2 that I'm talking about is something I'm trying to figure out how to achieve in the near future.

I think you're right about this. There was a time, well before I came on here, that I came to that realization, that is, I just did 90 days, and I did another 90 days before that, I guess I don't really need this shit anymore. But of course, I still screwed up after that. But, yes, that is a real turning point in our recoveries, when we can get some consistently, and more importantly, can see that we don't "need" it anymore.

I don't really know what to say to this but I'm with you, man, I agree with the telling the truth part, it's empowering and liberating to know you are real. This stupid addiction is the kind that leads to a double life but the problem that I have with it is that it can run in the background and it's not easy for people around me to see it. There is so much heroin I can shoot before I start looking like shit and people noticing I'm fucked but with porn, I can go on for 3 days straight edging to all the bullshit and still can't kill myself, there is no fear of death with this, I can't say "If I don't stop this I'm going to die." Meanwhile, I've been mediocre in all this time, only running on 20% of the energy that I should have because I give the other 80% to this stupid porn addiction, and people around me don't know why I'm lethargic and look uninterested and unmotivated. And this is this "truth" moment, where I wish I could write it on my shirt: I am a porn addict, that's why I'm mediocre, just so all of you can know. But it doesn't go that way. There is all thing, man: Maybe saying I am a porn addict is less of a problem that I make it be but there is always all those impressions, man, that people are gonna say about me that I'm either a loser who can't get laid or a pervert. The shame. Just like Eli Nash, who famously did a TEDx talk where he talked about porn addiction and I feel that once it comes out of the shadows and we can declare ok I am a porn addict, I got caught in this trap, only then we can move on and get rid of the shame and after getting rid of the shame we can recover.

I feel you with this brother. I feel your pain. And you're utterly right, the travesty of porn is that it can be hidden for years, and no one knows. I used to work at this crazy ass job downtown, where junkies would come in all the time, usually on meth (or worse), but needless to say, you can't live that life and have no one know about it. It's just not possible. The funny thing too is, I used to get so pissed off at them, and judge them so harshly for their "stupid" decisions, all the while, I was just as fucked up as they were, only I shot up my dose in the dark of my bedroom and not in some dark alleyway. One day my hypocrisy hit me like a ton of bricks, and I realized why I "hated" them so badly and irrationally. I hated them because they reminded me of myself, but the only difference was, THEY had no means to hide it, and I could. In some ways they were more honest with their addiction, while I was a fucking pussy hiding it in the dark, but yet, still had the audacity to "judge" them. Humans man, we're fucked up creatures.

But back to your point, please understand me, I don't mean you have to let the whole world know to get over this addiction, or wear a tee shirt or whatever, I only meant the importance of telling the truth and living the truth in our relationships, especially our loved ones etc. They have a right to know, because, if you're in a relationship with someone, your problems are theirs too, and to think otherwise, is to be lying to yourself, and living in, well, your double life. Sure you might get over it on your own, but considering you got into this crap on your own, is doing this on your own, really not just a continuation of the lie of the double life? I was faced with the lie of the double life just a few weeks ago, and let me tell you, to face the reality of your actions is the reality check all of us need. The greatest lie of the double life is that your actions really aren't "hurting" anyone, and it's really not that "bad", when it's everything but. And following that, possibly the greatest lie of the double life is that your actions aren't hurting YOU either, and it's really not that bad, when it's everything but.

Maybe we should all stop "fighting" porn, but rather, start fighting to tell the truth. We're all obsessed with quitting porn because it's "sinful" or "lustful" or "cheating" or a "waste of time", but what about the sin of lying? No one ever seems to mention that much. Lying to yourself. Lying to your loved ones, and even lying to world? Because without lying and living a double life, which we're all very good at, the foundations of this addiction come crashing down around us.

It might cool fighting in the dark if you're Batman, but for the rest of us, we just a bunch of fucking Jokers.



This is us, whether we choose to see it or not is another matter.

Any way, that's what I was referring to brother. Love you man.

Back to work.

Fuck porn
Fuck lying
Fuck mediocrity

We're all better than this.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 49




I think you're right about this. There was a time, well before I came on here, that I came to that realization, that is, I just did 90 days, and I did another 90 days before that, I guess I don't really need this shit anymore. But of course, I still screwed up after that. But, yes, that is a real turning point in our recoveries, when we can get some consistently, and more importantly, can see that we don't "need" it anymore.

I feel you with this brother. I feel your pain. And you're utterly right, the travesty of porn is that it can be hidden for years, and no one knows. I used to work at this crazy ass job downtown, where junkies would come in all the time, usually on meth (or worse), but needless to say, you can't live that life and have no one know about it. It's just not possible. The funny thing too is, I used to get so pissed off at them, and judge them so harshly for their "stupid" decisions, all the while, I was just as fucked up as they were, only I shot up my dose in the dark of my bedroom and not in some dark alleyway. One day my hypocrisy hit me like a ton of bricks, and I realized why I "hated" them so badly and irrationally. I hated them because they reminded me of myself, but the only difference was, THEY had no means to hide it, and I could. In some ways they were more honest with their addiction, while I was a fucking pussy hiding it in the dark, but yet, still had the audacity to "judge" them. Humans man, we're fucked up creatures.

But back to your point, please understand me, I don't mean you have to let the whole world know to get over this addiction, or wear a tee shirt or whatever, I only meant the importance of telling the truth and living the truth in our relationships, especially our loved ones etc. They have a right to know, because, if you're in a relationship with someone, your problems are theirs too, and to think otherwise, is to be lying to yourself, and living in, well, your double life. Sure you might get over it on your own, but considering you got into this crap on your own, is doing this on your own, really not just a continuation of the lie of the double life? I was faced with the lie of the double life just a few weeks ago, and let me tell you, to face the reality of your actions is the reality check all of us need. The greatest lie of the double life is that your actions really aren't "hurting" anyone, and it's really not that "bad", when it's everything but. And following that, possibly the greatest lie of the double life is that your actions aren't hurting YOU either, and it's really not that bad, when it's everything but.

Maybe we should all stop "fighting" porn, but rather, start fighting to tell the truth. We're all obsessed with quitting porn because it's "sinful" or "lustful" or "cheating" or a "waste of time", but what about the sin of lying? No one ever seems to mention that much. Lying to yourself. Lying to your loved ones, and even lying to world? Because without lying and living a double life, which we're all very good at, the foundations of this addiction come crashing down around us.

It might cool fighting in the dark if you're Batman, but for the rest of us, we just a bunch of fucking Jokers.

Well, yes, I don't mean that I am going to literally tell the whole world I'm a porn addict but sometimes I had this feeling that I wish I could let anybody around me (people at work, my parents) know that the reason why I am depressed right now and have no mood is because I'm coming after 5 PMOs. I am not in your situation, I am not in a relationship but probably people around me could benefit from a better me if I wasn't feeling so fuckin low and depressed all the time with PMO every single fuckin day in the last month and half. But one thing I know is that I agree with Eli Nash about the shame. He said something like: What got me into porn was curiosity, what kept me in it was the shame. Probably we will really start healing for good when we get rid of the shame and live the truth like you said.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Best bro. You got this.

 

[Blondie]

Probably we will really start healing for good when we get rid of the shame and live the truth like you said.

Word

 

[Blondie]

Day 50

Off to two months.

Well, yes, I don't mean that I am going to literally tell the whole world I'm a porn addict but sometimes I had this feeling that I wish I could let anybody around me (people at work, my parents) know that the reason why I am depressed right now and have no mood is because I'm coming after 5 PMOs. I am not in your situation, I am not in a relationship but probably people around me could benefit from a better me if I wasn't feeling so fuckin low and depressed all the time with PMO every single fuckin day in the last month and half. But one thing I know is that I agree with Eli Nash about the shame. He said something like: What got me into porn was curiosity, what kept me in it was the shame. Probably we will really start healing for good when we get rid of the shame and live the truth like you said.

Yeah I get this @Escapeandnevercomeback. That's why I mentioned that God's lonely man quote from Taxi Driver right after my last relapse. It's true, porn sequesters a man from the very people that might help him, or NOT help him. Thus, he's God's lonely man, never knowing who his real friends are, and never knowing if his wife or partner would leave his ass, or stay to help him through his recovery, thus, a man who chooses to be alone, not by God's will, but by his own. I guess you could say, God's lonely man is the perfect phrase for a porn addict, because it puts the blame on "God's will" that he is a man alone, and NOT on the porn addict himself.


Maybe you could reach out to your parents and tell them the truth. It could be very freeing, or maybe not, that's up to you to decide. Or you could go to a therapist, but I've already mentioned that before.

Best

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 50

Off to two months.


Yeah I get this @Escapeandnevercomeback. That's why I mentioned that God's lonely man quote from Taxi Driver right after my last relapse. It's true, porn sequesters a man from the very people that might help him, or NOT help him. Thus, he's God's lonely man, never knowing who his real friends are, and never knowing if his wife or partner would leave his ass, or stay to help him through his recovery, thus, a man who chooses to be alone, not by God's will, but by his own. I guess you could say, God's lonely man is the perfect phrase for a porn addict, because it puts the blame on "God's will" that he is a man alone, and NOT on the porn addict.


Maybe you could reach out to your parents and tell them the truth. It could be very freeing, or maybe not, that's up to you to decide. Or you could go to a therapist, but I've already mentioned that before.

Best

View attachment 1208

Yes, I understand what you mean very well, man.

You know, it's crazy. I didn't want to tell my parents because they're coming from a different era with no Internet porn and I didn't expect them to truly understand me, given the fact that they didn't quit understand me after talking several times about my problems with depression and extreme social anxiety. I've been to therapy, 3 sessions but I ran away from that so fast. Here is the thing, like what Eminem said: The others wanted me to go, not me. The only reason why I even went to therapy was because my dad fucked with me all day to go. And I said ok, alright, I'll go if this means I can get you off my back. But I didn't want to be there, I knew I was not going to be committed, I knew I was not going to do anything that I was told to do and then I didn't think that it would make any sense for me to continue. It would be a waste of their time, my time and also my money. It's not going to work if you are not the first one who wants to make it work, before anybody and anything else. But, the more I thought, the more I started to wonder whether what I needed was actually some group. You know, the fact that there is nobody in my immediate life that knows about my struggles (friends, relatives, partner, parents - Well, they know a part of it but not the "real struggle" that I barely even mention around here) gave me this feeling of loneliness and "nobody supports me through this shit" kind of thing, you know what I mean? And it's probably all because of me, because it's ME that made the situation like this, I've isolated myself with my problems and have been too arrogant to believe that I could do it all by myself. That's why I didn't really have this feeling that one sole therapist (for whom I am patient number 1002) was going to be that for me, I hear that those 12 steps groups and stuff like that are more fit for what I'm asking, or so I've heard, I don't know. I'm actually thinking about going back to a 12 steps group. I know 2. I've attended only one meeting with a group I know for sex and porn addictions but the "problem" (if this is a problem) is that this group is only online, there is absolutely no physical group where I am. The other group is AA and they have a location in a hospital for mental illness (which freaks me the fuck out. The hospital, not the group). I don't know, maybe I should try this and then see what's next. I like what Russell Brand used to say: If you've been trying to fix yourself for years and it hasn't worked yet, chances are that you don't know/can't do it alone, you need knew perspectives, it needs to come from a different place than where it comes from for you right now. Not in those exact words but here it is.

Best, man. You got this. 50 days, man, that's the shit!

P.S: That quote on the poster (a nobody trying to be somebody on every street etc. too lazy to write the whole thing) hit me pretty well. Maybe that's one of my problems: I want to be SOMEBODY. But maybe it's just my craving for validation and attention.

 

[Blondie]

Day 51

Well, they know a part of it but not the "real struggle" that I barely even mention around here) gave me this feeling of loneliness and "nobody supports me through this shit" kind of thing, you know what I mean? And it's probably all because of me, because it's ME that made the situation like this, I've isolated myself with my problems and have been too arrogant to believe that I could do it all by myself.

Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback, I think this is the key point here. We've made this situation ourselves of being God's lonely man, but then yes, it is pride that keeps us from actually admitting that we're here because we've separated ourselves from everyone that could actually help us. What is more, we've separated ourselves FROM the consequences of reality, which also would help us and force us out out of the shadows and into the light, even though it might hurt our eyes at first.

Those groups sounds great, even the online one. But go to the "real" first and talk to people and open up. Cry, hug, touch, be human. It can change your world.

Best.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 51

Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback, I think this is the key point here. We've made this situation ourselves of being God's lonely man, but then yes, it is pride that keeps us from actually admitting that we're here because we've separated ourselves from everyone that could actually help us. What is more, we've separated ourselves FROM the consequences of reality, which also would help us and force us out out of the shadows and into the light, even though it might hurt our eyes at first.

Those groups sounds great, even the online one. But go to the "real" first and talk to people and open up. Cry, hug, touch, be human. It can change your world.

Best.

Amen brother. Well said.