Porn is not an option

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I've never heard of this Stutz psychologist before, but having just looked into him now, he does seem interesting. I see he has a couple of books out, maybe you could read them and get a "cheap" version of sitting down with him? I can honestly say, reading books has saved my life, but of course, as you pointed out, it's very easy to fall into "intellectual masturbation" and not implement what you're reading. Needless to say, reading books has literally saved this hick from the sticks.

Yes, I didn't know of him either but it seems he had been around for years working with known actors, it wasn;t until the documentary that I've heard who he was. Yes, I know about his books, there is some book called something like "The Tools" but he talks about them in this documentary anyway, it was a good watch, I liked some of the things he said, I highly recommend it. It has helped me see some things, like this "Shadow" idea. We all have an image of ourselves. But without the proper tools, this image tends to be something like the kid version of me who got bullied, things like that, if you don't feel good about yourself in the present you might tend to see yourself as some "terrible" version of you from the past.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
1 month is great progress so far bro. I mean, in general, I've seen you achieving longer streaks consistently, correct me if I'm wrong but I guess you just had a 90 days streak before this one, so this is great overall progress in my opinion. Your relapses have been just minor steps back, it is not the "porn routine", relapsing consistently daily/weekly etc. Keep up the good work, you can escape this bro.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks @Escapeandnevercomeback. Yeah I was almost to 90, blew it right before that. This time I will get there and well beyond. It alreadly feels different this time around. I had been keeping some things from my lady, not porn related (besides the last few weeks), but other stuff as well, fears and shit, and now all of that is in the open. I forgot how important it is for me to be completely honest is this relationship, it sounds stupid but true. When I keep things inside and don't talk (often out of fear), well, I will inevitable blow it. My number one goal right now in our relationship is just to be utterly honest, no matter where that might lead us.

Best man
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thanks @Escapeandnevercomeback. Yeah I was almost to 90, blew it right before that. This time I will get there and well beyond. It alreadly feels different this time around. I had been keeping some things from my lady, not porn related (besides the last few weeks), but other stuff as well, fears and shit, and now all of that is in the open. I forgot how important it is for me to be completely honest is this relationship, it sounds stupid but true. When I keep things inside and don't talk (often out of fear), well, I will inevitable blow it. My number one goal right now in our relationship is just to be utterly honest, no matter where that might lead us.

Best man
I feel you man. I can definitely agree that when I keep everything bottled up inside, nothing good happens. I've seen this with me and I've seen this with my dad, from whom maybe I've "learned" to do this. He had (still has?) those anger issues and when you are so fuckin angry, definitely something is not alright with your internal wiring. But in his case (and now in my case too) he doesn't talk about it, you never know what's the issue. And I don't think this is a good thing. I think it's very important to have someone in real life that you could discuss those things with.

Best, man. Yes, of course, you can go more than 90 days, you can go 1000 days, we must not put limitations on ourselves, even if the mind kind of works like that: I fucked up around day 90, maybe I will do it again this time. No, fucked that, it's bullshit.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 32

I feel you man. I can definitely agree that when I keep everything bottled up inside, nothing good happens. I've seen this with me and I've seen this with my dad, from whom maybe I've "learned" to do this. He had (still has?) those anger issues and when you are so fuckin angry, definitely something is not alright with your internal wiring. But in his case (and now in my case too) he doesn't talk about it, you never know what's the issue. And I don't think this is a good thing. I think it's very important to have someone in real life that you could discuss those things with.
Yes, the human experience is to be "experienced" with other people, both the good and the bad, and when you hide it from someone, it can be a disaster waiting to happen. I probably got this from my dad too. :cool:
Best, man. Yes, of course, you can go more than 90 days, you can go 1000 days, we must not put limitations on ourselves, even if the mind kind of works like that: I fucked up around day 90, maybe I will do it again this time. No, fucked that, it's bullshit.
Thanks man, I really appreciate it.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 32


Yes, the human experience is to be "experienced" with other people, both the good and the bad, and when you hide it from someone, it can be a disaster waiting to happen. I probably got this from my dad too. :cool:
I've seen where it could lead to and it's especially with men, we are supposed to not whine and do the things right, until you see him hanging from a tree and everybody is like: But why? Cause he seemed fine. This is serious. I mean, everybody must know Jocko Willink by now. He has that podcast. He brings many military people but it's not an exclusive podcast for military people, we probably see that because he is an ex Navy Seal. But in one of the podcasts he brought the wife of a deceased former, I guess he used to be Navy Seal? Some special forces type of guy anyway, badass dude, she literally said that he was basically Superman. This guy looked like the badass dude you would think he was, he took care of business with everything, until he hanged himself or shot himself in the head. That's why he as dead. He was Superman until he shot himself. So what do we actually want? Make fun of men for talking about their problems? Or take pictures with them hanging in the forest? I believe us here trying to talk about what led us abuse porn is a good start.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I've seen where it could lead to and it's especially with men, we are supposed to not whine and do the things right, until you see him hanging from a tree and everybody is like: But why? Cause he seemed fine. This is serious. I mean, everybody must know Jocko Willink by now. He has that podcast. He brings many military people but it's not an exclusive podcast for military people, we probably see that because he is an ex Navy Seal. But in one of the podcasts he brought the wife of a deceased former, I guess he used to be Navy Seal? Some special forces type of guy anyway, badass dude, she literally said that he was basically Superman. This guy looked like the badass dude you would think he was, he took care of business with everything, until he hanged himself or shot himself in the head. That's why he as dead. He was Superman until he shot himself. So what do we actually want? Make fun of men for talking about their problems? Or take pictures with them hanging in the forest? I believe us here trying to talk about what led us abuse porn is a good start.
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I've never heard of that story before, but I've heard a thousand like it. Of course, it's hard to know why someone would do that, who seemed so "badass" to the external world etc.. It could of been undiagnosed depression, or who knows what, but the fact remains, what was shown externally to the world was completely different than what was going on inside his head. Did he feel he was too "Manly" to open up? Probably so, but the fact remains, he definitely needed to, like many other men like him. I think you're right, a place like this is good for men, because we can open up and be honest etc., and hopefully not be judged for it.

Best
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. I've never heard of that story before, but I've heard a thousand like it. Of course, it's hard to know why someone would do that, who seemed so "badass" to the external world etc.. It could of been undiagnosed depression, or who knows what, but the fact remains, what was shown externally to the world was completely different than what was going on inside his head. Did he feel he was too "Manly" to open up? Probably so, but the fact remains, he definitely needed to, like many other men like him. I think you're right, a place like this is good for men, because we can open up and be honest etc., and hopefully not be judged for it.

Best
Well, you know, it's because "you are a man and man don't whine." That's what we're told, right? I can understand why a guy like that would keep everything inside when from the outside he is so "badass". But where is the "sweet spot" between not shooting yourself in the head tomorrow but also not feeling judged for bringing up what's wrong with you?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I don't know where that line is brother, and I'm still trying to find it. I was raised in a very "traditional" household with very "masculine" roll models etc. I think most people when talking and looking at me would think I'm "pretty manly", however, what they "see" and how I feel inside, are sometimes two entirely different things. Sure I'm driven like hell, I'm pretty assertive and speak my mind, etc., all things that are considered "manly" however, then there's the guy inside, who sometimes feels a little different than his outside image. How to find the balance, I'm not quite sure, but I aim to find it. I think the best thing to do is find someone you can trust to talk with. I have my Lady and this forum. I would strongly suggest you find yourself a therapist or something similar, that way, you can open up and share your "shit". Sometimes Just talking about it helps more than actually "doing" anything about it.

As far as it being "fair" or not that us men get judged both ways, I got news for you, life's not fair, and there always will be double standards between the sexes. Women have they're own double standards they have to contend with, and us men have ours. We can't change how things are, but we can change what is changeable, that is, what is within ourselves. But you're right, it's not fair, but at this point in the game, that should be the least of our worries.

Change what's in our purview, and let all the other morons argue about this shit till the sun sets.

Best man
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Day 33

Well we've had some more cleansing talks these last few days over the weekend, and many things have come out that were hidden in the woodwork. Not so much the porn or cam shit, though some of that as well, but things I've kept from her, fears and situations. For example, I told her about my hard crush with that woman last spring and how I thought about leaving her for that woman. I was honest and told her I never did anything, which I didn't, but that I really had it bad - again! I say again again because this has happened a few times in our relationship. I guess I hid this from her, because, fuck I don't know, that's what I do. She was pretty upset about this, not that I had a crush per se, or even a bad one, but that I acted for months that it was all good between us, when I was questioning inside if I should leave or not. Of course, I told her I decided to stay because I loved her, and that's really all that mattered, and she understood that but was hurt that I could put on a show of indifference for so long blocking what was going on inside my head. I guess I can thank my childhood for that, where I learned how to put on a show for the world, however, everything inside was a fucking disaster. I also showed her my bank statement which was something I had never done before the previous five times I've blown it with cams. I tell you what gentlemen, I was fucking shaking in my boots! She saw this reaction my body was having and appreciated the honesty, and said it made her feel better about us and this unfortunate situation. She also admitted over the weekend that she didn't think I cheated, even though what I did was definitely fucked up. I have to say, I felt a whole lot better afterwards after she admitted those words. It was good to know she came to that conclusion on her own, and I hadn't tried to "rationalize" my actions to her, and that was actually how she felt after the dust had settled a bit. At this point, I already feel enough like shit, and just to know she doesn't think I actually cheated is just the solace I need, because I'll take whatever I can get.

This day marks thirty three days away from the thing I hate more than anything else in the world. No it's not porn or cams, and definitely NOT women, what I hate is the lying man who looks at them. They say Jesus died when he was 33 years old. Now I am not a religious man these days, but he did die to forgive us of our sins, so that we might die to ourselves (our older selves), and be born again as new men. It's really time for that little bastard in my childhood, who learned to lie for his survival, to stop lying so he can survive in peace in adulthood. If truth is Jesus, than truth is knocking on our doors, proclaiming we are all accepted now, warts and all, and there's no more reason to lie and run. Little Blondie didn't know any better then, but adult Blondie is a new man.

This last weekend I walked down the aisle to the alter of truth.

Next stop 40 days.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 33

Well we've had some more cleansing talks these last few days over the weekend, and many things have come out that were hidden in the woodwork. Not so much the porn or cam shit, though some of that as well, but things I've kept from her, fears and situations. For example, I told her about my hard crush with that woman last spring and how I thought about leaving her for that woman. I was honest and told her I never did anything, which I didn't, but that I really had it bad - again! I say again again because this has happened a few times in our relationship. I guess I hid this from her, because, fuck I don't know, that's what I do. She was pretty upset about this, not that I had a crush per se, or even a bad one, but that I acted for months that it was all good between us, when I was questioning inside if I should leave or not. Of course, I told her I decided to stay because I loved her, and that's really all that mattered, and she understood that but was hurt that I could put on a show of indifference for so long blocking what was going on inside my head. I guess I can thank my childhood for that, where I learned how to put on a show for the world, however, everything inside was a fucking disaster. I also showed her my bank statement which was something I had never done before the previous five times I've blown it with cams. I tell you what gentlemen, I was fucking shaking in my boots! She saw this reaction my body was having and appreciated the honesty, and said it made her feel better about us and this unfortunate situation. She also admitted over the weekend that she didn't think I cheated, even though what I did was definitely fucked up. I have to say, I felt a whole lot better afterwards after she admitted those words. It was good to know she came to that conclusion on her own, and I hadn't tried to "rationalize" my actions to her, and that was actually how she felt after the dust had settled a bit. At this point, I already feel enough like shit, and just to know she doesn't think I actually cheated is just the solace I need, because I'll take whatever I can get.

This day marks thirty three days away from the thing I hate more than anything else in the world. No it's not porn or cams, and definitely NOT women, what I hate is the lying man who looks at them. They say Jesus died when he was 33 years old. Now I am not a religious man these days, but he did die to forgive us of our sins, so that we might die to ourselves (our older selves), and be born again as new men. It's really time for that little bastard in my childhood, who learned to lie for his survival, to stop lying so he can survive in peace in adulthood. If truth is Jesus, than truth is knocking on our doors, proclaiming we are all accepted now, warts and all, and there's no more reason to lie and run. Little Blondie didn't know any better then, but adult Blondie is a new man.

This last weekend I walked down the aisle to the alter of truth.

Next stop 40 days.
Hey man.

Intense stuff bro. What you've said there are things that I used to do too (the lying, put a show for the world etc). But I believe you've done the right thing, man. Being honest is really empowering. It feels good to know that you are all real, no more sneaking and lying. I used to lie a lot. Until around mid twenties I was a character in my own life, I was not real, I was trying to create someone else. But then I had a friend who saw right through my bullshit (I mean, I'm pretty sure the other 2 did too but they have never talked to me about it, they probably stuck around cause they felt sorry for me or something, I guess) and that was the first time when I had to admit: Ok, I was lying, this is not who I am. THIS is who I am, and who I was was sad. An embryonic spirit, that who I was, who needed (needs) growth bad.

Little Blondie didn't know any better then, but adult Blondie is a new man.
.

That's what I'm talking about, man. This is the beginning of the change. Like I used to say, I believe most of us have an autopilot that goes on for some time, it's "I feel like this, I react like this", mindlessly, the script is running in the background, we don't even see it but then if we bring it to the spotlight, we can switch to manual and start working on the person that we deserve to be. Sometimes it comes later but better later than never. I feel you are on the right path bro.

Best, man.
 
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