Porn is not an option

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 25

Hey Blondie, that was an epic post and I appreciate the honesty. In fact, it sounds like something I might tell myself! ;) If this harsh self-criticism is acting like a cold shower and leads you to something more positive, then it's a good thing.
Thanks for the feedback @TryingHarder. Yeah I know I'm being tough on myself here, but I think I need it in this situation. However, it's definitely in that "cold shower" type of analogy you gave. It's refreshing to hear the cold truth sometimes, no matter how hard it hits your back and takes your breath away. And I without doubt needed to hear it, as we all do from time to time. These actions we do against our women are insane, and thus, we rightly deserve our asses kicked, so as to wake up to reality, or maybe their reality. Do I really think I cheated? Probably not, but what I'm saying is, it doesn't really matter, and only a Nice Guy would be sitting around rationalizing this shit. To put it bluntly, it's fucking disgusting.
Just be careful not to get too mired in being your own punching bag. I have been there and done that, and ultimately it doesn't work.
We actually talked about this, and how I need to not be hard so on myself, at least in other areas of my life. But in this sense, there really is no excuses or rationalism that can "save" me.
I sincerely hope you and your lady can have some honest conversations and sort this out.
I appreciate this.

Thank you.

Best
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Btw my man, I recommend reading Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. The level of brutality he endured as a kid and even as an adult to get where he is, utterly inspiring. Made me realize I'm not dealing with shit in comparison and I need to get my ass in gear.

The book is not like the videos you see on YouTube, it's much more measured. I read it on an intl flight, literally read 8-9hrs straight until I finished it. It was that good. Even 5-6 months later, his struggles still resonate so deeply with me and remind me that if he can overcome what he has, I can certainly overcome what we have here

There's also a good pod with him in Huberman Lab (it's a recent interview). There's some good material on there on willpower and how it builds as well (Huberman is a Stanford neuroscientist). You'll gain a lot from these two I think. Love you man, be hard on yourself to find your strength and go on from there
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 24

Fuck you Mr. Nice Guy!


I rediscovered yesterday that I'm a nice guy. You know, that shit stain in your circle of friends that is "nice" but is also a fucking asshole? You know that guy who says one thing but does another? The turd who pretends to be the best man when compared to "other" men, but in reality he's just as bad as the real assholes? Maybe even worse because he's both a hypocrite and a twat? We all know this type of man, and unfortunately I saw him when I looked into the mirror this morning. How the fuck did I get here? Where the hell did I go wrong? And is there anyway I might return and get back on the righteous path?

I've known I've had this problem for a long time now, over ten years in fact, and I've endlessly "worked" on myself trying to improve it, but yet, here I am this morning, forty one years old, and it feels as if I've gone nowhere on this journey. How could I have grown in so many other areas of my life over the last ten years, but when it comes to my relationship, I've blown it and returned to the worst version of myself?

Fuck me. And most definitely fuck nice guys.

Do you want to know what "nice guys" do in relationships?

  • They lie constantly, both to themselves and their partners
  • They would rather have "peace" than a real conversation that might "blow up"
  • The make all kinds of excuses for their shit behaviors and secret addictions
  • They keep these addictions to themselves to "protect her" aka, protect themselves and their cowardly behavior
  • They live in perpetual fear of what would happen, if they actually said what they were thinking and feeling to their partner
  • They rationalize their shit behaviors and acting out, by deconstructing morality and putting it on a "scale" of 1 to 10, their partner's feelings be damned. Yours truly.
  • When confronted with their partner's feelings, they will resort to what "assholes" would have done in a similar situation, and how they did not "do" that
  • They will try to "fix" their problems on their own, thus, creating an even greater rift between themselves and their partner, although the partner has no clue, until it comes crashing down as it inevitably does
  • Nice guys say they "love women" while being a complete dick to the one they're with, even if NOT overtly
  • Nice guys are not nice, they're fucking assholes
You know when I wrote that post a good while back titled, Porn is NOT Cheating? Nice Guy.
You know how I didn't fuck that girl on New Year's Eve, but instead, went back to the hotel and looked at porn, and a few days later, a striper cam? Class A Nice Guy.
You know when I wrote that post not even a week ago saying I didn't see the cam girl naked, nor did I even ask for a dance, but we only talked? Dip shit Nice Guy behavior.
You know how I'm always "rational" and deconstruct morality on a cheating scale of 1 to 10? Where porn is a 1, cams are a 4, and a dick in a vagina is a 10? FUCKING A NICE GUY BEHAVIOR. Although this might be "theoretically" true, and would be useful if you are a lawyer in a court of law, if your talking about the feelings of your girl, and she's not being resentful or holding it against you after five years, I have news for you, you're a fucking asshole! You cannot deconstruct someone's feelings.

So son, I hear you didn't put your actual dick in her? Congrats! You're still a fucking asshole.
So son, I hear you didn't actually get off, nor even touched yourself, but just talked instead? That's amazing, you're still a nice guy cheater and an asshole.
So son, I hear you didn't get any real "pussy" but ARE an actual pussy.


Why do I do this? How the hell did this become okay? I would have punched any man doing this nonsense not too very long ago, but here I am, doing it myself.

I wish I would have actually cheated. It would have actually been more manly than this shit that I've done to her, certainly less money! I even said that to her last night. I told her am glad I haven't, but yet, deep down inside, I wish I would have, and thus, I wouldn't have been fucking around doing this cheesy ass dipshit Nice Guy behavior. And she agreed with me and said, although she's happy I've never done the "real" thing, she said it meant so much that I stopped rationalizing it and admitted for the first time how fucked up it is when I say that and how it hurts her.

Fuck me and the horse I rode in on.

I think it would be too easy to blame this all on the "addiction". And although I'm sure that's some of it, that's just the easy way out as far as I'm concerned. I've become a bitch in this relationship. An utter twat with no excuses. And although I don't know how I got here exactly, I do know I'm sick and tired of it. At the very least, I made my "approach" and the truth is out now, because when the truth is hidden, you're just a douche bag acting like a "nice guy". Fuck those lazy, cowardly ass bastards! I might act like them sometimes in my lowest moments, but I want nothing to do with them.

I would suggest you read that list above, and if you find yourself in any of those categories, congratulate yourself on being a twat. Welcome to the club.

May we all burn the nice guy within ourselves, because if we don't, we will inevitably burn down the world around us.
I relate with this pretty strongly. I’m passive -aggressive with my wife. We don’t get into blow-up fights, but sometimes I get pissy and she has to guess what I’m mad about. Bro, I’m pretty sure if there’s one thing women respect less than a man who watches porn, it’s a passive aggressive man! 😂 That’s what they get from their girl friends, they don’t want it from us! And then with porn, I’m basically saying “I WOULD cheat on you if I had the balls, but this is easier and I’m less likely to get caught.” Sure, it’s “better” that you don’t actually have sex with another woman, but the only thing stopping me is my lack of nerve! Same as fighting. “I COULD blow up at you, but that could backfire and lead to a bigger conflict, so instead I’ll just act annoyed without telling you why!” We shouldn’t congratulate ourselves for avoiding bad behaviors we only avoided out of cowardice, rather than genuine abhorrence of the behavior. This is pretty hard to accept, because it’s SOOOOO easy to fail in these subtler ways these days, we feel like we shouldn’t be responsible. In a world so beset with temptations toward evil, we fool ourselves into thinking mere inaction is a heroic act! “What do you mean I’m a bad person?? I didn’t…” Exactly, you didn’t. Here lies a great man, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t step on any toes. He may have WANTED to do evil, but he simply acted out those desires in his head and did nothing bad or good. Is this the best we can hope for ourselves, as modern men? To stay out of trouble? It’s truly pathetic. Yes, it’s great that we are here and working on our addictions. At least attempting to address our porn addictions does put us above a certain number of men who don’t even try. But is that all we want to shoot for?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Btw my man, I recommend reading Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. The level of brutality he endured as a kid and even as an adult to get where he is, utterly inspiring. Made me realize I'm not dealing with shit in comparison and I need to get my ass in gear.

The book is not like the videos you see on YouTube, it's much more measured. I read it on an intl flight, literally read 8-9hrs straight until I finished it. It was that good. Even 5-6 months later, his struggles still resonate so deeply with me and remind me that if he can overcome what he has, I can certainly overcome what we have here

There's also a good pod with him in Huberman Lab (it's a recent interview). There's some good material on there on willpower and how it builds as well (Huberman is a Stanford neuroscientist). You'll gain a lot from these two I think. Love you man, be hard on yourself to find your strength and go on from there
Thank you for that recommendation @First_step_thousand_miles, I'll have to check that book out. I've always heard of David Goggins, but have yet to actually look into him. I love stories where people get past their shit and rough upbringings, always inspiring to read. We all have a story to tell in one way or another, and I think it's important to know that story, and to come to peace with it, even if it's not as "crazy" as some others. I know I have mine, and although there's plenty more crazier than my upbringing, I can say mine is pretty fucking nuts. However, at the end of the day, I can either choose to be "mad" or "angry at my parents" or, I can use it as a source of strength and to kindle the flames within me. These days, more or less, especially after solving that shit with my folks, it's generally a source of strength.

Also, Huberman is a badass.

Love you brother.

I relate with this pretty strongly. I’m passive -aggressive with my wife. We don’t get into blow-up fights, but sometimes I get pissy and she has to guess what I’m mad about. Bro, I’m pretty sure if there’s one thing women respect less than a man who watches porn, it’s a passive aggressive man! 😂 That’s what they get from their girl friends, they don’t want it from us!
Hey @jonazo91, thanks for stopping by. Yeah, passive-aggression is fucking terrible, and I've spent years trying to extricate it from my life. It was literally how my family communicated, so I guess you could say, old habits die hard. Although I've been more successful than not in learning how to assert myself at work, school, and even my family over these last ten years, the relationship with my lady still has its weaknesses and moments. I think for me, it's almost more that I don't share what I'm thinking inside, especially about our relationship, and how I feel about it, or any crushes I might have (and there's always one) or any woman that might have her eye on me, and thus, I let this shit torment me and brew internally until I either look at porn, or worse, fucking cams, which I've only done a handful of times. So for me, I think it's more a fear of conflict that still holds me back, which I guess you could say is more passive, than passive-aggressive. Or maybe, more to the point, I just suck at communicating sometimes, but it's often out of fear of conflict and exposing myself and my weaknesses.

One book I would suggest for you is called No More Mr. Nice Guy, and you can find it cheaply on Amazon. This book changed my life, and still continues to do so. In fact, considering everything that is going on in my life right now, I pulled it out last night and started to read it again. And I do have to say, although in yesterday's post I was pretty hard on myself, I have improved in many ways to the man I was ten years ago when first reading that book, so that did make me happy. However, this problem with hiding my mistakes and avoiding "conflict", is something that really is starting to piss me off, and something I still struggle with. This is my next development I must work on.
And then with porn, I’m basically saying “I WOULD cheat on you if I had the balls, but this is easier and I’m less likely to get caught.” Sure, it’s “better” that you don’t actually have sex with another woman, but the only thing stopping me is my lack of nerve! Same as fighting. “I COULD blow up at you, but that could backfire and lead to a bigger conflict, so instead I’ll just act annoyed without telling you why!” We shouldn’t congratulate ourselves for avoiding bad behaviors we only avoided out of cowardice, rather than genuine abhorrence of the behavior. This is pretty hard to accept, because it’s SOOOOO easy to fail in these subtler ways these days, we feel like we shouldn’t be responsible. In a world so beset with temptations toward evil, we fool ourselves into thinking mere inaction is a heroic act! “What do you mean I’m a bad person?? I didn’t…
Thanks for this. You have some good points. You know what, for her and I, porn has always been this weird thing, were it's been spoken and sometimes unspoken, that I would use it because I have a hard time being "monogamous" thus, it would help me stay faithful etc. And, as everything has been crashing down these last few days, I've been really thinking long and hard about this agreement we had, and how fucked up it is. In some ways, it set the precedent, not for cams per se, but just the idea, that not only is porn okay, but using it as a way to NOT cheat is perfectly okay and acceptable. Of course, I don't blame her for this or my actions, but this mindset really started sometime at the beginning of our relationship, and even though I've been "mostly" clean these last six years, that pattern I started at the beginning with, is so easy to fall back on, especially when I'm stressed or whatever. Never again would I think or allow that to be okay in a relationship, because it wasn't. And you're right, not "cheating" while still doing this shit, is utterly ridiculous and deserving of much mockery. We may not be "cheaters", at least in the truest sense of that term, but we're fucking buffoons, which might be even worse.
Here lies a great man, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t step on any toes. He may have WANTED to do evil, but he simply acted out those desires in his head and did nothing bad or good. Is this the best we can hope for ourselves, as modern men? To stay out of trouble? It’s truly pathetic.
This is great. Yes, it's a total fucking joke. Back in the day, before modern porn, none of this would be an option. You might have your fantasies or whatnot, but it didn't matter, and whatever girl you were with, was probably the only one you would ever see naked, much less, have a chance with. But now, it's a totally different ballgame. And what's worse, the same realities face most men, that is, most of us being utterly average, but now, you can "fantasize" to your heart's content. A societal disaster waiting to happen.
Yes, it’s great that we are here and working on our addictions. At least attempting to address our porn addictions does put us above a certain number of men who don’t even try. But is that all we want to shoot for?
Yes, I think we should be daily shooting for the best in ourselves, in everything we do, not just porn. To me anyways, porn is but a symptom and not our main problem, though I don't deny its pull.

Keep aiming high @jonazo91, and read that book, it's great.
 
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SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Just what you would imagine. Confession. Tears. Questions. More confessions and tears. And at the end, two hearts broken, while I'm left in the study room wondering where the fuck I went wrong in life.

At the very least, I can say I feel a little more like a man now. An asshole of a man, but a least, I fessed up to the truth. I was fucking exhausted living my double life these last few weeks. This last week I started adding lies on top of the initial lie (because of the money I spent), and I told myself I would never do that again.
You had a difficult conversation when you really didn't want to but you knew it had to be done. There's nothing more masculine than that! Proud of you brother. Big love
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Day 24

Fuck you Mr. Nice Guy!


I rediscovered yesterday that I'm a nice guy. You know, that shit stain in your circle of friends that is "nice" but is also a fucking asshole? You know that guy who says one thing but does another? The turd who pretends to be the best man when compared to "other" men, but in reality he's just as bad as the real assholes? Maybe even worse because he's both a hypocrite and a twat? We all know this type of man, and unfortunately I saw him when I looked into the mirror this morning. How the fuck did I get here? Where the hell did I go wrong? And is there anyway I might return and get back on the righteous path?

I've known I've had this problem for a long time now, over ten years in fact, and I've endlessly "worked" on myself trying to improve it, but yet, here I am this morning, forty one years old, and it feels as if I've gone nowhere on this journey. How could I have grown in so many other areas of my life over the last ten years, but when it comes to my relationship, I've blown it and returned to the worst version of myself?

Fuck me. And most definitely fuck nice guys.

Do you want to know what "nice guys" do in relationships?

  • They lie constantly, both to themselves and their partners
  • They would rather have "peace" than a real conversation that might "blow up"
  • The make all kinds of excuses for their shit behaviors and secret addictions
  • They keep these addictions to themselves to "protect her" aka, protect themselves and their cowardly behavior
  • They live in perpetual fear of what would happen, if they actually said what they were thinking and feeling to their partner
  • They rationalize their shit behaviors and acting out, by deconstructing morality and putting it on a "scale" of 1 to 10, their partner's feelings be damned. Yours truly.
  • When confronted with their partner's feelings, they will resort to what "assholes" would have done in a similar situation, and how they did not "do" that
  • They will try to "fix" their problems on their own, thus, creating an even greater rift between themselves and their partner, although the partner has no clue, until it comes crashing down as it inevitably does
  • Nice guys say they "love women" while being a complete dick to the one they're with, even if NOT overtly
  • Nice guys are not nice, they're fucking assholes
You know when I wrote that post a good while back titled, Porn is NOT Cheating? Nice Guy.
You know how I didn't fuck that girl on New Year's Eve, but instead, went back to the hotel and looked at porn, and a few days later, a striper cam? Class A Nice Guy.
You know when I wrote that post not even a week ago saying I didn't see the cam girl naked, nor did I even ask for a dance, but we only talked? Dip shit Nice Guy behavior.
You know how I'm always "rational" and deconstruct morality on a cheating scale of 1 to 10? Where porn is a 1, cams are a 4, and a dick in a vagina is a 10? FUCKING A NICE GUY BEHAVIOR. Although this might be "theoretically" true, and would be useful if you are a lawyer in a court of law, if your talking about the feelings of your girl, and she's not being resentful or holding it against you after five years, I have news for you, you're a fucking asshole! You cannot deconstruct someone's feelings.

So son, I hear you didn't put your actual dick in her? Congrats! You're still a fucking asshole.
So son, I hear you didn't actually get off, nor even touched yourself, but just talked instead? That's amazing, you're still a nice guy cheater and an asshole.
So son, I hear you didn't get any real "pussy" but ARE an actual pussy.


Why do I do this? How the hell did this become okay? I would have punched any man doing this nonsense not too very long ago, but here I am, doing it myself.

I wish I would have actually cheated. It would have actually been more manly than this shit that I've done to her, certainly less money! I even said that to her last night. I told her am glad I haven't, but yet, deep down inside, I wish I would have, and thus, I wouldn't have been fucking around doing this cheesy ass dipshit Nice Guy behavior. And she agreed with me and said, although she's happy I've never done the "real" thing, she said it meant so much that I stopped rationalizing it and admitted for the first time how fucked up it is when I say that and how it hurts her.

Fuck me and the horse I rode in on.

I think it would be too easy to blame this all on the "addiction". And although I'm sure that's some of it, that's just the easy way out as far as I'm concerned. I've become a bitch in this relationship. An utter twat with no excuses. And although I don't know how I got here exactly, I do know I'm sick and tired of it. At the very least, I made my "approach" and the truth is out now, because when the truth is hidden, you're just a douche bag acting like a "nice guy". Fuck those lazy, cowardly ass bastards! I might act like them sometimes in my lowest moments, but I want nothing to do with them.

I would suggest you read that list above, and if you find yourself in any of those categories, congratulate yourself on being a twat. Welcome to the club.

May we all burn the nice guy within ourselves, because if we don't, we will inevitably burn down the world around us.
I love that you are taking accountability, king! It's a landmark of a growth mindset. Maybe it's time to ask yourself what kind of man you'd like to be and reverse engineer it to who you are now. What traits do you want to have? How do you want to be in front of your peers? More importantly, how do you want to be when you're alone? Ask yourself a million questions like that and come up with your three dimensional answer, then get to work.

Love you man
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 26

It feels great getting further and further away. I tell you what, it can't happen fast enough. There is definitely some tension in the house right now, and it's not sexual.
You had a difficult conversation when you really didn't want to but you knew it had to be done. There's nothing more masculine than that! Proud of you brother. Big love
Thanks brother. Although I do agree with you, I sure don't feel very masculine right now. But you are right, truthfulness is masculinity. And masculinity is definitely NOT running away from your fears of conflict. At least I did that.
Maybe it's time to ask yourself what kind of man you'd like to be and reverse engineer it to who you are now. What traits do you want to have? How do you want to be in front of your peers? More importantly, how do you want to be when you're alone? Ask yourself a million questions like that and come up with your three dimensional answer, then get to work.

Love you man
That's a good point, thank you @SmokenMirrors. In some ways I've lost sight of what I want to be, especially in this relationship, or maybe any relationship for that matter. I've been so focused on "fixing" my life: school, career and running from my past, I've lost track of the man I want to be in my relationships and have become a boy in some regards. In some ways you could say I've "relapsed" to my old self twenty year old self.

A section from No More Mr. Nice Guy that really hit home this morning. As a recovery Nice Guy, I still have this unresolved shame of being "imperfect", and "all too human", especially in my relationships, which drives me to avoid conflict that might show my "true" cards.

Shedding Old Skin

As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths.

  • They are not bad.
  • They don't have to do anything to win other people's approval.
  • They don't have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes.
  • People can love them just as they are.
As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other human, Nice Guys make mistakes, use poor judgment, and act inappropriately. Nevertheless, their humanity doesn't make them bad or unlovable nor does it cause other people to stop loving them.

Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don't draw much of a crowd or get many ovations. By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves, recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they have always desired. By learning to approve of themselves, they begin to radiate a life energy and charisma that draws people to them. As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a door to start getting what they really want in love and life.

Here are some mantras I will be saying to myself

"I am lovable just as I am."
"I am perfectly imperfect."
"My needs are important."
"I am a strong and powerful person."
"I can handle it."
"People love and accept me just as I am."
"It is OK to be human and make mistakes."
"I am the only person I have to please."
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Thank you for that recommendation @First_step_thousand_miles, I'll have to check that book out. I've always heard of David Goggins, but have yet to actually look into him. I love stories where people get past their shit and rough upbringings, always inspiring to read. We all have a story to tell in one way or another, and I think it's important to know that story, and to come to peace with it, even if it's not as "crazy" as some others. I know I have mine, and although there's plenty more crazier than my upbringing, I can say mine is pretty fucking nuts. However, at the end of the day, I can either choose to be "mad" or "angry at my parents" or, I can use it as a source of strength and to kindle the flames within me. These days, more or less, especially after solving that shit with my folks, it's generally a source of strength.

Also, Huberman is a badass.

Love you brother.
Exactly --no one chooses the hands they are dealt. Some folks are born with pocket rockets, others with a 2 of clubs and an 8 of hearts -- it's like wtf am I supposed to do with this hand??? But Goggins shows exactly what you can do with that hand, the strength to overcome ANYTHING is within us. Use the frustration and channel it to work for you. You got this man, love you too

Hey @jonazo91, thanks for stopping by. Yeah, passive-aggression is fucking terrible, and I've spent years trying to extricate it from my life. It was literally how my family communicated, so I guess you could say, old habits die hard. Although I've been more successful than not in learning how to assert myself at work, school, and even my family over these last ten years, the relationship with my lady still has its weaknesses and moments. I think for me, it's almost more that I don't share what I'm thinking inside, especially about our relationship, and how I feel about it, or any crushes I might have (and there's always one) or any woman that might have her eye on me, and thus, I let this shit torment me and brew internally until I either look at porn, or worse, fucking cams, which I've only done a handful of times. So for me, I think it's more a fear of conflict that still holds me back, which I guess you could say is more passive, than passive-aggressive. Or maybe, more to the point, I just suck at communicating sometimes, but it's often out of fear of conflict and exposing myself and my weaknesses.

One book I would suggest for you is called No More Mr. Nice Guy, and you can find it cheaply on Amazon. This book changed my life, and still continues to do so. In fact, considering everything that is going on in my life right now, I pulled it out last night and started to read it again. And I do have to say, although in yesterday's post I was pretty hard on myself, I have improved in many ways to the man I was ten years ago when first reading that book, so that did make me happy. However, this problem with hiding my mistakes and avoiding "conflict", is something that really is starting to piss me off, and something I still struggle with. This is my next development I must work on.

Thanks for this. You have some good points. You know what, for her and I, porn has always been this weird thing, were it's been spoken and sometimes unspoken, that I would use it because I have a hard time being "monogamous" thus, it would help me stay faithful etc. And, as everything has been crashing down these last few days, I've been really thinking long and hard about this agreement we had, and how fucked up it is. In some ways, it set the precedent, not for cams per se, but just the idea, that not only is porn okay, but using it as a way to NOT cheat is perfectly okay and acceptable. Of course, I don't blame her for this or my actions, but this mindset really started sometime at the beginning of our relationship, and even though I've been "mostly" clean these last six years, that pattern I started at the beginning with, is so easy to fall back on, especially when I'm stressed or whatever. Never again would I think or allow that to be okay in a relationship, because it wasn't. And you're right, not "cheating" while still doing this shit, is utterly ridiculous and deserving of much mockery. We may not be "cheaters", at least in the truest sense of that term, but we're fucking buffoons, which might be even worse.

This is great. Yes, it's a total fucking joke. Back in the day, before modern porn, none of this would be an option. You might have your fantasies or whatnot, but it didn't matter, and whatever girl you were with, was probably the only one you would ever see naked, much less, have a chance with. But now, it's a totally different ballgame. And what's worse, the same realities face most men, that is, most of us being utterly average, but now, you can "fantasize" to your heart's content. A societal disaster waiting to happen.

Yes, I think we should be daily shooting for the best in ourselves, in everything we do, not just porn. To me anyways, porn is but a symptom and not our main problem, though I don't deny its pull.

Keep aiming high @jonazo91, and read that book, it's great.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Btw my man, I recommend reading Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. The level of brutality he endured as a kid and even as an adult to get where he is, utterly inspiring. Made me realize I'm not dealing with shit in comparison and I need to get my ass in gear.

The book is not like the videos you see on YouTube, it's much more measured. I read it on an intl flight, literally read 8-9hrs straight until I finished it. It was that good. Even 5-6 months later, his struggles still resonate so deeply with me and remind me that if he can overcome what he has, I can certainly overcome what we have here

There's also a good pod with him in Huberman Lab (it's a recent interview). There's some good material on there on willpower and how it builds as well (Huberman is a Stanford neuroscientist). You'll gain a lot from these two I think. Love you man, be hard on yourself to find your strength and go on from there
I'm glad that more people get into David Goggins around here. I see a post about David Goggins, I have to say something too because I'm a fan. I have the book, only Kindle format, actually I have both of his books cause he has two in Kindle format and I have to say that this guy is truly inspirational. That Huberman podcast he did was the most hardcore I've ever seen him. He had that attitude: I know all the things I've done in my life to become a strong man and leave behind that kid beaten by his father who used to stutter therefore I don't feel sorry for anybody who keep themselves weak and mediocre and don't grind to become strong.

He literally got tired of sugarcoating that and said it straight up, sorry no sorry for you if you decide to stay weak :LOL: And I feel him because since that day that he talked about when he saw the Navy Seals Bud/s training program on TV, when he was 300 lbs working nights, and that commander officer or whatever he was (I don't know the names of the ranks etc) said "We live in this society where mediocrity is rewarded. These men right here detest mediocrity" talking about the few men in front of him who had finished the training, since that day when David watched this he detested mediocrity and he will not give us any hug and any "I feel you bro" moment about mediocrity, it's one of those things, you don't go to David Goggins complaining about mediocrity because this year makes it 25 years since he started trying to stop being mediocre and weak. He started at 24 years old and he will be 49 years old in February. It makes you think all the "What ifs". What if I started earlier?

And I feel a lot of people misunderstand David Goggins. They read Can't hurt me and watch his Shorts where he is running and "yelling at the camera" motivational stuff but I never misunderstood him from day 1, since that day when I watched the first ever content with him, a video on Youtube called something like "Win the war in your head and find peace", an interview he was in, I understood in all this time what's his message was but I feel that his podcast with Andrew Huberman is the most explanatory interview he's ever done and after this if people still don't understand David Goggins, probably they never will.

In regards to the book Can't Hurt Me, some people said stuff like he is mentally ill or masochistic, don't do what he does he overtrains, self-destructs etc. It's true that some of the scenes from the book are hardcore and shocking: The way he lost 100 pounds in 3 months to qualify for BUD/s training, the way he did 3 hell weeks in a year in BUD/s with broken feet tapped with duct tape, the way he ran 100 miles with kidney failure, seeing double and having broken feet (again tapped with duct tape). But the thing is, yes they are shocking and might look ridiculous, unnecessary and insane but I understand what happened there. He did those things in some moments of having no choice. He either lost 100 pounds or couldn't qualify for BUD/s. He either completed Hell Week or he couldn't continue to finish BUD/s and be a Navy Seal, he either finished the 100 miles race or wouldn't be able to do what his goal was (go on to run in other events so he could raise money for the families of some Navy Seals who died in missions). He was so sick of himself and desperate to stop being mediocre that he was willing to do anything to accomplish his goal (at that time). So yes, for some people he might sound insane and "don't follow him" but I don't see him that way, I understand what happened at certain points in his life. And also, he has never asked us to do those kind of things, I've never heard him say: "If you don't continue running even if you have broken feet you are a pussy." No. What I've heard him say is : Most people are only working at 40 percent of their capability. Hell, I'm at 10 percent, not 40. So no, I don't see him encouraging people to fuck up themselves, I see him telling people that they could complain less and start moving.

But anyway man, maybe I wrote to much but the thing is, people should give a chance to David Goggins, he could be the change you need.

I don't know, I'm probably sounding like he sent me here to promote him or something :ROFLMAO: But really, I'm just a fan who wants more people to find him.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
But you know, if I understood one thing from 25 years of David Goggins is that comfort is not synonymous with bad ass, it's synonymous with mediocre and only through pain and suffering you can take yourself to the top of the mountain. And it's all I've been trying to avoid, I've been trying to avoid pain, I liked to keep myself comfortable and as a result for the past 3 weeks I'm drowning in PMO. That's the result. If you want to be strong, you can't choose the bubble. The fact that I've known about David Goggins for a few years (maybe 3) and I'm still shit tells everything there is about me because you can't discover David Goggins and allow yourself to stay shit. It shows there is something more seriously wrong with me than that which I have to work on.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 27

Last night was one of the most emotional nights I've ever had in my life. Tears, tears, and more tears. During the conversation, I told her the amount of money I had spent to the cent, and goddamn, that was not the easiest thing to admit. I just wanted to jump on my horse and never come back. We both agreed we felt better afterwards, but we were utterly exhausted and too tired to cry anymore. It goes without saying she doesn't trust me again, and further, she feels my three weeks of lying is just as bad as the actual cam session. I knew this is what had hurt her so much last time, that is, the lying, but I just couldn't manage to say anything until I did. Of course in my head, I wanted to say, "Hey now, last time I did this cam shit five times in a span of a year and never told you. It's only been three weeks this time and I only did it once. I'm improving!" But the fact of the matter is, it doesn't really work that way. I still did it and I still fucking lied about it. The trust was broken between us. It goes without saying I feel like utter shit, although a little better this morning. However, yesterday was probably one of the worst mental days of my entire life, I just felt like utter crap and not worth a damn thing. The shit of the earth. I know these thoughts are not productive, but in times like these, it's hard not to fall into.

This addiction is so isolating. After the shower of tears last night, we watched a show where an alcoholic relapsed after eight years (I know, what timing!) and this made me think just how other addictions are thought about in our society, and how ours is so secretive and "shameful" compared to theirs. Now maybe this is not true, but it does feel this way to me, possibly because I'm right here at this moment. Other people in our society who get over there "thing" are considered heroic and bad ass, though yes, there are tons of people who would call those former addicts "losers" or whatnot. However, for us, porn addiction is still considered such a taboo thing and only for "perverts", thus, to admit you've been addicted to it, is to admit you're practically a pedophile or something. Which is ironic if you stop to think about it, because the same culture that force feeds us this shit, is the same culture that tells us we're "perverts" for saying we're addicted to it, or denies it's even an addiction to begin with. That's what you get when you mix American puritanism and unbridled capitalism; vacuous moralism sucking the cock of profits.

My day just got a little better though. As I was writing this, my Lady walked in and gave me a hug (that's an improvement!). She sat on my lap and I told her my number (day 27). She said she believed in me and I reassured her by saying "I've done this many times, I can do it again!" :cool:This was actually a slip of the tongue, but it made us both laugh all the same. As they say, if you can't laugh at yourself, well, you're alreadly fucked. It was nice to see her laugh again.

Exactly --no one chooses the hands they are dealt. Some folks are born with pocket rockets, others with a 2 of clubs and an 8 of hearts -- it's like wtf am I supposed to do with this hand??? But Goggins shows exactly what you can do with that hand, the strength to overcome ANYTHING is within us. Use the frustration and channel it to work for you. You got this man, love you too
Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles, this is definitely true.

Best brother.
But you know, if I understood one thing from 25 years of David Goggins is that comfort is not synonymous with bad ass, it's synonymous with mediocre and only through pain and suffering you can take yourself to the top of the mountain. And it's all I've been trying to avoid, I've been trying to avoid pain, I liked to keep myself comfortable and as a result for the past 3 weeks I'm drowning in PMO. That's the result. If you want to be strong, you can't choose the bubble. The fact that I've known about David Goggins for a few years (maybe 3) and I'm still shit tells everything there is about me because you can't discover David Goggins and allow yourself to stay shit. It shows there is something more seriously wrong with me than that which I have to work on.
Thanks for the information about David Goggins @Escapeandnevercomeback, I feel I understand the phenomenon around him much better now. Furthermore, there's nothing "wrong" with you. We all know what we should be doing, it's always a matter of, will we do it or not that determines our fate.

Here's what I think about you. You think you're a prisoner, with no escape route to be found, and only a life behind bars as your lot in life. However, the way I see it, you're a prisoner without any bars at all, in fact, there's no fucking prison to be found. It's only you, and the lies you've told yourself about yourself and "your" situation, that are forming the walls around you. Three days ago, I too felt as if a prisoner, enclosed in walls that seemed impenetrable, however, after talking to my Lady and doing something different than my normal prison yard routine, I realize now the walls never existed in the first place, and they were only figments of my imagination. Sure, maybe we will break up, or maybe we won't, or maybe, who knows, but the fact is, those walls were only illusions, and not reality, fears but not truth, although I could have sworn otherwise. I thought I couldn't tell her. I thought everything would end instantly. I thought I thought I thought I thought. But today, the sun is still shining. The sky is bluer than normal, and the world keeps moving as it always has. And trust me, the sunrise outside of prison is much better than from within.

We are not our thoughts, but a product of them.

Maybe your tagline is all wrong Escape. Your problem isn't that you need to "escape" but only realize, there's no bars to be found at all, and only lies that enclose you.

Best brother.
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 27

Last night was one of the most emotional nights I've ever had in my life. Tears, tears, and more tears. During the conversation, I told her the amount of money I had spent to the cent, and goddamn, that was not the easiest thing to admit. I just wanted to jump on my horse and never come back. We both agreed we felt better afterwards, but we were utterly exhausted and too tired to cry anymore. It goes without saying she doesn't trust me again, and further, she feels my three weeks of lying is just as bad as the actual cam session. I knew this is what had hurt her so much last time, that is, the lying, but I just couldn't manage to say anything until I did. Of course in my head, I wanted to say, "Hey now, last time I did this cam shit five times in a span of a year and never told you. It's only been three weeks this time and I only did it once. I'm improving!" But the fact of the matter is, it doesn't really work that way. I still did it and I still fucking lied about it. The trust was broken between us. It goes without saying I feel like utter shit, although a little better this morning. However, yesterday was probably one of the worst mental days of my entire life, I just felt like utter crap and not worth a damn thing. The shit of the earth. I know these thoughts are not productive, but in times like these, it's hard not to fall into.

This addiction is so isolating. After the shower of tears last night, we watched a show where an alcoholic relapsed after eight years (I know, what timing!) and this made me think just how other addictions are thought about in our society, and how ours is so secretive and "shameful" compared to theirs. Now maybe this is not true, but it does feel this way to me, possibly because I'm right here at this moment. Other people in our society who get over there "thing" are considered heroic and bad ass, though yes, there are tons of people who would call those former addicts "losers" or whatnot. However, for us, porn addiction is still considered such a taboo thing and only for "perverts", thus, to admit you've been addicted to it, is to admit you're practically a pedophile or something. Which is ironic if you stop to think about it, because the same culture that force feeds us this shit, is the same culture that tells us we're "perverts" for saying we're addicted to it, or denies it's even an addiction to begin with. That's what you get when you mix American puritanism and unbridled capitalism; vacuous moralism sucking the cock of profits.

My day just got a little better though. As I was writing this, my Lady walked in and gave me a hug (that's an improvement!). She sat on my lap and I told her my number (day 27). She said she believed in me and I reassured her by saying "I've done this many times, I can do it again!" :cool:This was actually a slip of the tongue, but it made us both laugh all the same. As they say, if you can't laugh at yourself, well, you're alreadly fucked. It was nice to see her laugh again.


Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles, this is definitely true.

Best brother.

Thanks for the information about David Goggins @Escapeandnevercomeback, I feel I understand the phenomenon around him much better now. Furthermore, there's nothing "wrong" with you. We all know what we should be doing, it's always a matter of, will we do it or not that determines our fate.

Here's what I think about you. You think you're a prisoner, with no escape route to be found, and only a life behind bars as your lot in life. However, the way I see it, you're a prisoner without any bars at all, in fact, there's no fucking prison to be found. It's only you, and the lies you've told yourself about yourself and "your" situation, that are forming the walls around you. Three days ago, I too felt as if a prisoner, enclosed in walls that seemed impenetrable, however, after talking to my Lady and doing something different than my normal prison yard routine, I realize now the walls never existed in the first place, and they were only figments of my imagination. Sure, maybe we will break up, or maybe we won't, or maybe, who knows, but the fact is, those walls were only illusions, and not reality, fears but not truth, although I could have sworn otherwise. I thought I couldn't tell her. I thought everything would end instantly. I thought I thought I thought I thought. But today, the sun is still shining. The sky is bluer than normal, and the world keeps moving as it always has. And trust me, the sunrise outside of prison is much better than from within.

We are not our thoughts, but a product of them.

Maybe your tagline is all wrong Escape. Your problem isn't that you need to "escape" but only realize, there's no bars to be found at all, and only lies that enclose you.

Best brother.
Yeah one thing that struck out to me in what you posted is how porn addiction is treated so poorly, esp. by women. Alcohol is fine, nicotine is understandable, even sex addiction is considered better than porn addiction....how does that make sense? Esp. when 95% of adult men under 30 use it (maybe 85% under 40)???

Don't get me wrong, we MUST quit. But the societal perception is really a head-scratcher. I've seen girls get immediately turned off when hearing about a guy who heavily uses porn but definitely nowhere near as much as when they find out a guy is basically an alcoholic. Not putting any blame here on men or women, just that it's a strange societal twist. Given PIED stats, these days I think something like 40% of men are afflicted by it....yet 40% of men are not addiction to alcohol...so shouldn't it be more understandable? Dunno but the world is what it is, and this is just more incentive to quit then

I'm glad your Lady is on her way towards forgiving you man!
 

searching4good

Active Member
Just a quick one @Blondie to say so damn impressed and proud of you for putting your shit on the table. It sounds so hard and painful and draining, buttt, it's also a massive sign of growth, regardless of how it felt/feels in the immediate aftermath.

Day by day you are finding more and more of your authentic self and - plot spoiler, he's the fucking hero of your film who wins over the bad guy. Keep on powering through mister!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Yeah one thing that struck out to me in what you posted is how porn addiction is treated so poorly, esp. by women. Alcohol is fine, nicotine is understandable, even sex addiction is considered better than porn addiction....how does that make sense? Esp. when 95% of adult men under 30 use it (maybe 85% under 40)???
I get this. I think when it comes to women, minus societal influence, I think deep down inside on a biological level, porn, at least in its essence, repulses them. I don't mean in the cheating sense either, I mean, just the thought that a man would spend so much time on a fantasy, chasing "fake" women, and not spending that energy on improving himself or chasing real women or his woman. Thus, a man with a sex addiction, as long as he didn't cheat on them, would still be considered acting in the real world, minus his flaws etc., hence, a "real" man.
Given PIED stats, these days I think something like 40% of men are afflicted by it....yet 40% of men are not addiction to alcohol...so shouldn't it be more understandable? Dunno but the world is what it is, and this is just more incentive to quit then
Those statistics are insane @First_step_thousand_miles, and i believe them. At the end of the day, they're will always be judgers on all addictions, and we just have to be sure of ourselves and move forward regardless of what some people might think they know about all of this.

I'm glad your Lady is on her way towards forgiving you man!
Thanks man, me too!
Just a quick one @Blondie to say so damn impressed and proud of you for putting your shit on the table. It sounds so hard and painful and draining, buttt, it's also a massive sign of growth, regardless of how it felt/feels in the immediate aftermath.

Day by day you are finding more and more of your authentic self and - plot spoiler, he's the fucking hero of your film who wins over the bad guy. Keep on powering through mister!
Thanks @searching4good, this made my day. Hiding this shit from her, just doesn't work for me. I feel as if half a man when I go down that road.

Keep killing it man.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
@Blondie Yes, bro, it is ridiculous to think that I've know David Goggins for 3 years (pretty sure), I found out at the time that I shared his "detest mediocrity" mindset (that he saw in a Navy Seals program) and you would think that after that I would go on and kill it and I'm not. Before I go on to talk about this, I want to say that, as a fan of David Goggins (and maybe he is a phenomenon or maybe not), it is easy to read/hear some stuff about him and be horrified and agree with the people that preach the "Don't ever follow him" mentality but I feel that he is misunderstood a lot because all those crazy things he did and people talk about came in some moments when he had no choice, it was either that or go back home, and he was so desperate to stop being mediocre that he decided that he was willing to die in that moment rather than go home and feel he was mediocre. We don't need to agree with him or even do it like him but there are many videos with David Goggins (shorts and podcasts) and he has never encouraged or pushed anybody to do those type of things, if you are "a normal human being" enough (for lack of better words), you (we) can extract the essence from his message and realize that he is only saying: If you have that voice, that feeling that you don't like yourself being mediocre, then hear me out. That's it. And then you can hear the "I believe most human being are only functioning at 40 percent of their capability", you can hear the "Try to find some solutions for your problems" and so on, there is so much more to discover in his content. But again, I am ashamed to declare that as a fan of him, and "I hate myself mediocre" guy, I haven't being doing shit about it in 3 years.

Also about the other thing you said, maybe my username was not the best choice but I agree with "you are a prisoner only in your head, ain't no bars". Yes, it's maybe true. Maybe I like to find excuses because I am weak (at this point in my life, doesn't mean this is it) and try to justify why I am fucked; "it is autism spectrum because I went to therapy and I was told I sounded like it, maybe it is the bullying etc etc." But, is this what one should be doing? Try to explain to people why they are 33 years old and fucked because of this and that? Can we actually say fuck it and become what we want to be? I would say yes.

But here is also the thing: Remember the documentary "Stutz" by the actor Jonah Hill? For who has watched it. I have watched it and thought it was very interesting. Maybe this is why I ran away from therapy after 3 sessions. I mean, the main reason was something else, I don't want to write the next 10.000 words to explain why in this post but the second reason why I decided at the time to walk away from this therapist (from that particular therapist not therapy itself) was that I had watched Stutz and felt that there is better therapy out there and I was not doing it. I declared at that time that I either go to some "Stutz-like" therapist or fuck it. This guy is probably only known to some public because the documentary. I had no idea who he was until that but then I found out he had been some big shot in the "big bucks" industry, working with actors and shit. And I was like, whaaaaaat? This guy is doing all that and I didn't even know. What if I had the money for him? I'm kidding. Or am I? But anyway, y'all had to wait 10.000 words to get to what the fuck I actually want to say (a habit of mine, maybe it's bad or not, I don't know, you tell me).

But the point I'm trying to make is that after watching the documentary I've learned something. There is a section in the documentary (by the way, the documentary has some good advice anyway, in my opinion) that discusses Phil Stutz's idea of the "Shadow". And after reading some comments, I've learned that some people said "There is this talk about the shadow with some pioneers of psychotherapy/psychology etc like Fred, Jung" yes, maybe it's true but I don't even know their work, I don't know what they said about "The shadow" and I don't even know if it;s the same thing, whether Phil Stutz just copied that or it's his own "Shadow" thing but to me it doesn't even matter at this point, what matters is that I discovered Stutz' Shadow and for me that was enough. And what is this Shadow about? So, Jonah Hill, when people hear this name most of them should know what's going on. He is an Oscar nominated actor, he was in movies with Brad Pitt (Moneyball), Leonardo Dicaprio (plus one of my favorite directors Martin Scorsese in Wolf of wall street), a scene in a Tarantino movie etc. So this guy got into the big movie world. Successful etc but he was going to therapy sessions with Phil Stutz (and I've heard he is expensive, like 200 bucks an hour or some shit but Jonah had the dough) complaining about low self-esteem. Now, in the documentary Jonah shows a picture. It is him at 16 years old, fat with acne. And Jonah says that this shit (being fat) fucked him up all his life. Because he also happened to bump into interviewers saying stuff like "So, do you still feel like you are the ugly fat new kid of the industry like when you started?" And it was clear that he was very very annoying about this theme. He hated with a passion to be asked about his weight.

Now, coming back for a second to David Goggins discussed in the first paragraph, I know exactly what David would say: "So why are you, what? 30 years old and still fat and bothered about it? I lost fuckin 100 pounds in only 3 MOUNTHS to qualify for BUD/s training Navy Seal and you are still fat and insecure about it?" I won't put words into David's mouth but this is how I feel he would think, you know, maybe he wouldn't bump into Jonah Hill and say that but this is the vibe that David Goggins gives me, because you don't go to David complaining about being mediocre, I've said that, he has been working on it for 25 years, I wouldn't even dare to go in front of him and say "Hey, man, I'm fucked."

But anyway, coming back to it, so Jonah is fat all his life. But now he is killing it. He goes to Phil Stutz and Phil says: Okay, listen. So you are successful etc etc but you feel like shit. Let me tell you. This is how you see yourself. And he shows him the picture. 16 years old, fat with acne. This is how you see yourself. You are successful but when you think about yourself, you see this 16 years old kid, fat with acne. Boom. This is the Shadow. A version of yourself that reminds you how shit you are. The Shadow comes around any time you try to do something and tells you: "Come on man you ain't that, let's get the fuck out of here, you are an imposter into the badass worlds, what are you trying to prove? Let's go home, get comfortable, jerk off to porn and actually BE where we should be and DO what we should do." Phil said: Think about your Shadow. And I did. You know what my Shadow is? That "Only bones covered with skin" kid (cause I was very skinny and I was not starving either) who got bullied, who was on the Autism Spectrum, who was told by some bullies exactly this: You ain't shit, you ain't never gon be shit, you are a fuckin loser, no girl likes you, no girl will ever like you, no girl will ever fuck you, you will die a fuckin virgin loser. That's what my biggest bully ever from school, a guy who was beating me up all day every day said to me. And to make a joke, I spent the next 20 years trying hard to prove to him that I would turn out to be exactly that and I succeeded. I ain't gon fuckin hide it anymore. I've told this to the guy I keep in touch with (accountability partner): I am 33 years old, no friends since 22, never in a relationship, I am a virgin, never being on a date or ever having anything to do with some sort of "Boy tries to find girl". So, let me find the guy to tell him I am what he said (kidding... or not). So this is my Shadow, that kid. And any time I try to do "Badass" things, that guy comes around and tells me: "Come on, bro, you ain't that. You are shit. You are not that fuckin guy, who are you tryin to lie to?" And any fuckin time, every fuckin time, that skinny abused kid comes around to tell me I ain't shit.

Now, what is interesting is that David Goggins talks about this in a form or another anyway, he just didn't have a name for it. Since we are talking about this Shadow thing, his Shadow is probably that kid beaten by his father who would not let him go to sleep until like 4 AM, who didn't believe in him going to school because his father had a business and he abused him and his mom to work late for this business. As a result he couldn't even focus in school, imagine going to school in the morning, they try to teach you how to read and write but you are half-asleep ( or more) because you are not let to sleep. As a result he had a problem with reading and writing, he has talked about it many times. Then, after his father beating him and his mom, he was called the N word at school, facing racism etc. And then he went on to become famous, have books out, podcasts, interviews, records (pull-ups record at one time), go to Joe Rogan (3 times), go to Huberman, be a millionaire in dollars (from selling books), be a former Navy Seal and so much more. And in all this time, his shadow every fuckin day would come around to tell him: You ain't that, you are a piece of shit, you can't read or write, you are weak. And he has spent the next 25 years trying to say this: Ok, I appreciate you coming around to tell me this but ACTUALLY, you are gone, you are past and I am not you nowadays.

So, maybe I wrote a fuckin novel but let us all think about it. What is your shadow (you all) ? And what are we doing about it? Is our porn addiction anything to do with it? In my case is ALL about it. My no 1 addiction.

Thank you for reading (for anybody reading this) it's long and maybe I fucked up some words unintentionally.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 28

Almost to 30 days!

Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback, thanks for writing your response. You wrote so much, I don't know where to start! I've never heard of this Stutz psychologist before, but having just looked into him now, he does seem interesting. I see he has a couple of books out, maybe you could read them and get a "cheap" version of sitting down with him? I can honestly say, reading books has saved my life, but of course, as you pointed out, it's very easy to fall into "intellectual masturbation" and not implement what you're reading. Needless to say, reading books has literally saved this hick from the sticks.

This shadow work he talks about I have heard before, though it might be from a different perspective. I believe shadow work originated from Carl Jung and not Freud, and Stutz is a Freudian psychoanalyst, so that's interesting. Either way, shadow work is an fascinating concept I should look into more. I do know each of us has an image of what we are, and that image is often utterly false and bogus. I'm sorry about those douche bag(s) in your childhood, making fun of your skinniness, virginity etc. The thing is we all have "something" that we think defines us, however, I can tell you for certain, that their words are not the "truth" about you, and what is more, as an adult you have to take responsibility for being stupid enough for believing they were true in the first place. You didn't know better at that age, but now you do. Don't let some moron from your childhood define you, don't give him that power. I have many people in my childhood that I let define me, both peers and adults, however, I've learned as an adult that their statements about me that I innocently took as the "truth" were utterly false and vacuous, and they only stemmed from their own insecurities or lack of understanding me. What someone says about you is only the truth if you allow it to be. As with everything being an adult, the buck stops here. It's not that assholes' fault now, it's on you brother. As an adult, you take responsibility for being "dumb" enough, aka, innocent enough, to believe in the lies that were said about you in your childhood. Don't "prove" him right, fuck, prove him wrong! I have people and names, and scenarios of the people who said shit about me when I was young, and I use my righteous anger as fuel to prove them wrong. They do not have the privilege of defining me as an adult. Their stupid comments either purposely or not, will not dictate the footsteps of my future life. Obviously, I'm not going to get revenge, but I use that anger as fuel to get further along in life, but yes, if we ever happened to cross paths, they could suck it. :cool:

I say it once more.

It's always on us.
It's always on us.
It's always on us.

The buck stops here, and the lies we believed about ourselves we now take responsibility for.

If that fucker would have told you the color of the sky is actually green, it would be on you to have believed something so stupid. Thus, everything he told you about yourself is just as stupid as if professing the sky is green. There's no truth to any of it. And it's on YOU if you still believe it. So why do you? The real question is, why are you not laughing at him?

Embrace your autism.
Embrace your skinniness
Embrace your virginity
Embrace everything about you
Embrace that the sky is blue

Someone special in my life once told me I was stupid. This simple word of only two syllables scarred me for years. Why would someone say that? I used to believe it was true because I falsely believed in the "authority" of the person who said it. But that authority figure was wrong, dead wrong. And it was only as an adult man in my thirties when I fully realized the tenuousness of his prophecy about me. And let's be clear, what someone says about you at a tender age can really feel like a "prophecy", especially if you "stupidly" accept it as truth. But the fact of the matter is, that man was hurt, broken and as lost as many men I know, thus, why would I allow his words to define me? His words were as vacuous as if saying the sky is green. In my thirties, I finally realized it was on me now, and not him and others to define my truth. I would not allow his words to prophesize my life. It was my fault that I still believed it, and it wasn't on him anymore, or anyone else for that matter.

The buck stops here.

Well back to studying. I need to keep up that 4.0.

Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all who doubted me and said I was stupid. They can just suck my big fat cowboy educated cock! :cool:

Best brother.
 
Last edited:

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 28

Almost to 30 days!

Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback, thanks for writing your response. You wrote so much, I don't know where to start! I've never heard of this Stutz psychologist before, but having just looked into him now, he does seem interesting. I see he has a couple of books out, maybe you could read them and get a "cheap" version of sitting down with him? I can honestly say, reading books has saved my life, but of course, as you pointed out, it's very easy to fall into "intellectual masturbation" and not implement what you're reading. Needless to say, reading books has literally saved this hick from the sticks.

This shadow work he talks about I have heard before, though it might be from a different perspective. I believe shadow work originated from Carl Jung and not Freud, and Stutz is a Freudian psychoanalyst, so that's interesting. Either way, shadow work is an fascinating concept I should look into more. I do know each of us has an image of what we are, and that image is often utterly false and bogus. I'm sorry about those douche bag(s) in your childhood, making fun of your skinniness, virginity etc. The thing is we all have "something" that we think defines us, however, I can tell you for certain, that their words are not the "truth" about you, and what is more, as an adult you have to take responsibility for being stupid enough for believing they were true in the first place. You didn't know better at that age, but now you do. Don't let some moron from your childhood define you, don't give him that power. I have many people in my childhood that I let define me, both peers and adults, however, I've learned as an adult that their statements about me that I innocently took as the "truth" were utterly false and vacuous, and they only stemmed from their own insecurities or lack of understanding me. What someone says about you is only the truth if you allow it to be. As with everything being an adult, the buck stops here. It's not that assholes' fault now, it's on you brother. As an adult, you take responsibility for being "dumb" enough, aka, innocent enough, to believe in the lies that were said about you in your childhood. Don't "prove" him right, fuck, prove him wrong! I have people and names, and scenarios of the people who said shit about me when I was young, and I use my righteous anger as fuel to prove them wrong. They do not have the privilege of defining me as an adult. Their stupid comments either purposely or not, will not dictate the footsteps of my future life. Obviously, I'm not going to get revenge, but I use that anger as fuel to get further along in life, but yes, if we ever happened to cross paths, they could suck it. :cool:

I say it once more.

It's always on us.
It's always on us.
It's always on us.

The buck stops here, and the lies we believed about ourselves we now take responsibility for.

If that fucker would have told you the color of the sky is actually green, it would be on you to have believed something so stupid. Thus, everything he told you about yourself is just as stupid as if professing the sky is green. There's no truth to any of it. And it's on YOU if you still believe it. So why do you? The real question is, why are you not laughing at him?

Embrace your autism.
Embrace your skinniness
Embrace your virginity
Embrace everything about you
Embrace that the sky is blue

Someone special in my life once told me I was stupid. This simple word of only two syllables scarred me for years. Why would someone say that? I used to believe it was true because I falsely believed in the "authority" of the person who said it. But that authority figure was wrong, dead wrong. And it was only as an adult in my thirties when I fully realized the tenuousness of his prophecy about me. And let's be clear, what someone says about you at a tender age can really feel like a "prophecy", especially if you "stupidly" accept it as truth. But the fact of the matter is, that man was hurt, broken and as lost as many men I know, thus, why would I allow his words to define me? His words were as vacuous as if saying the sky is green. In my thirties, I finally realized it was on me now, and not him and others to define my truth. I would not allow his words to prophesize my life. It was my fault that I still believed it, and it wasn't on him anymore, or anyone else for that matter.

The buck stops here.

Well back to studying. I need to keep up that 4.0.

Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all who doubted me and said I was stupid. They can just suck my big fat cowboy educated cock! :cool:

Best brother.
That's right, man. Fuck em.

You know, what happens is that until a few years ago I functioned on some sort of autopilot. There was the childhood, I developed this wrong opinion about me (I'm trash, incompetent, unlikable etc) and then I spent many years basically functioning on this autopilot, it was impulse and reaction, I wasn't necessarily aware of it. This changed one day when I kinda started to see what was going on. But I guess because of my unwillingness to take more action, I still have those moments sometimes when I'm too hard with myself, undeservingly. The only way out is to do the work. Like David Goggins, you need to hire yourself to work on yourself.

Best bro.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
And let's be clear, what someone says about you at a tender age can really feel like a "prophecy", especially if you "stupidly" accept it as truth. But the fact of the matter is, that man was hurt, broken and as lost as many men I know, thus, why would I allow his words to define me? His words were as vacuous as if saying the sky is green. In my thirties, I finally realized it was on me now, and not him and others to define my truth. I would not allow his words to prophesize my life. It was my fault that I still believed it, and it wasn't on him anymore, or anyone else for that matter.
I guess when you are a kid it tends to be like that. You tend to believe those things, you are not mature enough to see it. That's why it's very important what adults tell kids. I guess I really was in need of some mentor because there was nobody to see where my head was at and to try to make me have a more realistic view about what was going on cause by myself I clearly developed the wrong view. Now it depends how long it lasts, you could be on some autopilot like me and only realize in your late 20s that you've been having the wrong thinking.

But you're right, once you realize, it's your responsibility now to take action. Okay, maybe there was a time when you didn't see it but if now you do, you have to start grinding. That's what I'm guilty of: Not taking this more seriously. But anyway man, almost a month for you! That's what's up bro!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I've never heard of this Stutz psychologist before, but having just looked into him now, he does seem interesting. I see he has a couple of books out, maybe you could read them and get a "cheap" version of sitting down with him? I can honestly say, reading books has saved my life, but of course, as you pointed out, it's very easy to fall into "intellectual masturbation" and not implement what you're reading. Needless to say, reading books has literally saved this hick from the sticks.

Yes, I didn't know of him either but it seems he had been around for years working with known actors, it wasn;t until the documentary that I've heard who he was. Yes, I know about his books, there is some book called something like "The Tools" but he talks about them in this documentary anyway, it was a good watch, I liked some of the things he said, I highly recommend it. It has helped me see some things, like this "Shadow" idea. We all have an image of ourselves. But without the proper tools, this image tends to be something like the kid version of me who got bullied, things like that, if you don't feel good about yourself in the present you might tend to see yourself as some "terrible" version of you from the past.
 
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