@Blondie Yes, bro, it is ridiculous to think that I've know David Goggins for 3 years (pretty sure), I found out at the time that I shared his "detest mediocrity" mindset (that he saw in a Navy Seals program) and you would think that after that I would go on and kill it and I'm not. Before I go on to talk about this, I want to say that, as a fan of David Goggins (and maybe he is a phenomenon or maybe not), it is easy to read/hear some stuff about him and be horrified and agree with the people that preach the "Don't ever follow him" mentality but I feel that he is misunderstood a lot because all those crazy things he did and people talk about came in some moments when he had no choice, it was either that or go back home, and he was so desperate to stop being mediocre that he decided that he was willing to die in that moment rather than go home and feel he was mediocre. We don't need to agree with him or even do it like him but there are many videos with David Goggins (shorts and podcasts) and he has never encouraged or pushed anybody to do those type of things, if you are "a normal human being" enough (for lack of better words), you (we) can extract the essence from his message and realize that he is only saying: If you have that voice, that feeling that you don't like yourself being mediocre, then hear me out. That's it. And then you can hear the "I believe most human being are only functioning at 40 percent of their capability", you can hear the "Try to find some solutions for your problems" and so on, there is so much more to discover in his content. But again, I am ashamed to declare that as a fan of him, and "I hate myself mediocre" guy, I haven't being doing shit about it in 3 years.
Also about the other thing you said, maybe my username was not the best choice but I agree with "you are a prisoner only in your head, ain't no bars". Yes, it's maybe true. Maybe I like to find excuses because I am weak (at this point in my life, doesn't mean this is it) and try to justify why I am fucked; "it is autism spectrum because I went to therapy and I was told I sounded like it, maybe it is the bullying etc etc." But, is this what one should be doing? Try to explain to people why they are 33 years old and fucked because of this and that? Can we actually say fuck it and become what we want to be? I would say yes.
But here is also the thing: Remember the documentary "Stutz" by the actor Jonah Hill? For who has watched it. I have watched it and thought it was very interesting. Maybe this is why I ran away from therapy after 3 sessions. I mean, the main reason was something else, I don't want to write the next 10.000 words to explain why in this post but the second reason why I decided at the time to walk away from this therapist (from that particular therapist not therapy itself) was that I had watched Stutz and felt that there is better therapy out there and I was not doing it. I declared at that time that I either go to some "Stutz-like" therapist or fuck it. This guy is probably only known to some public because the documentary. I had no idea who he was until that but then I found out he had been some big shot in the "big bucks" industry, working with actors and shit. And I was like, whaaaaaat? This guy is doing all that and I didn't even know. What if I had the money for him? I'm kidding. Or am I? But anyway, y'all had to wait 10.000 words to get to what the fuck I actually want to say (a habit of mine, maybe it's bad or not, I don't know, you tell me).
But the point I'm trying to make is that after watching the documentary I've learned something. There is a section in the documentary (by the way, the documentary has some good advice anyway, in my opinion) that discusses Phil Stutz's idea of the "Shadow". And after reading some comments, I've learned that some people said "There is this talk about the shadow with some pioneers of psychotherapy/psychology etc like Fred, Jung" yes, maybe it's true but I don't even know their work, I don't know what they said about "The shadow" and I don't even know if it;s the same thing, whether Phil Stutz just copied that or it's his own "Shadow" thing but to me it doesn't even matter at this point, what matters is that I discovered Stutz' Shadow and for me that was enough. And what is this Shadow about? So, Jonah Hill, when people hear this name most of them should know what's going on. He is an Oscar nominated actor, he was in movies with Brad Pitt (Moneyball), Leonardo Dicaprio (plus one of my favorite directors Martin Scorsese in Wolf of wall street), a scene in a Tarantino movie etc. So this guy got into the big movie world. Successful etc but he was going to therapy sessions with Phil Stutz (and I've heard he is expensive, like 200 bucks an hour or some shit but Jonah had the dough) complaining about low self-esteem. Now, in the documentary Jonah shows a picture. It is him at 16 years old, fat with acne. And Jonah says that this shit (being fat) fucked him up all his life. Because he also happened to bump into interviewers saying stuff like "So, do you still feel like you are the ugly fat new kid of the industry like when you started?" And it was clear that he was very very annoying about this theme. He hated with a passion to be asked about his weight.
Now, coming back for a second to David Goggins discussed in the first paragraph, I know exactly what David would say: "So why are you, what? 30 years old and still fat and bothered about it? I lost fuckin 100 pounds in only 3 MOUNTHS to qualify for BUD/s training Navy Seal and you are still fat and insecure about it?" I won't put words into David's mouth but this is how I feel he would think, you know, maybe he wouldn't bump into Jonah Hill and say that but this is the vibe that David Goggins gives me, because you don't go to David complaining about being mediocre, I've said that, he has been working on it for 25 years, I wouldn't even dare to go in front of him and say "Hey, man, I'm fucked."
But anyway, coming back to it, so Jonah is fat all his life. But now he is killing it. He goes to Phil Stutz and Phil says: Okay, listen. So you are successful etc etc but you feel like shit. Let me tell you. This is how you see yourself. And he shows him the picture. 16 years old, fat with acne. This is how you see yourself. You are successful but when you think about yourself, you see this 16 years old kid, fat with acne. Boom. This is the Shadow. A version of yourself that reminds you how shit you are. The Shadow comes around any time you try to do something and tells you: "Come on man you ain't that, let's get the fuck out of here, you are an imposter into the badass worlds, what are you trying to prove? Let's go home, get comfortable, jerk off to porn and actually BE where we should be and DO what we should do." Phil said: Think about your Shadow. And I did. You know what my Shadow is? That "Only bones covered with skin" kid (cause I was very skinny and I was not starving either) who got bullied, who was on the Autism Spectrum, who was told by some bullies exactly this: You ain't shit, you ain't never gon be shit, you are a fuckin loser, no girl likes you, no girl will ever like you, no girl will ever fuck you, you will die a fuckin virgin loser. That's what my biggest bully ever from school, a guy who was beating me up all day every day said to me. And to make a joke, I spent the next 20 years trying hard to prove to him that I would turn out to be exactly that and I succeeded. I ain't gon fuckin hide it anymore. I've told this to the guy I keep in touch with (accountability partner): I am 33 years old, no friends since 22, never in a relationship, I am a virgin, never being on a date or ever having anything to do with some sort of "Boy tries to find girl". So, let me find the guy to tell him I am what he said (kidding... or not). So this is my Shadow, that kid. And any time I try to do "Badass" things, that guy comes around and tells me: "Come on, bro, you ain't that. You are shit. You are not that fuckin guy, who are you tryin to lie to?" And any fuckin time, every fuckin time, that skinny abused kid comes around to tell me I ain't shit.
Now, what is interesting is that David Goggins talks about this in a form or another anyway, he just didn't have a name for it. Since we are talking about this Shadow thing, his Shadow is probably that kid beaten by his father who would not let him go to sleep until like 4 AM, who didn't believe in him going to school because his father had a business and he abused him and his mom to work late for this business. As a result he couldn't even focus in school, imagine going to school in the morning, they try to teach you how to read and write but you are half-asleep ( or more) because you are not let to sleep. As a result he had a problem with reading and writing, he has talked about it many times. Then, after his father beating him and his mom, he was called the N word at school, facing racism etc. And then he went on to become famous, have books out, podcasts, interviews, records (pull-ups record at one time), go to Joe Rogan (3 times), go to Huberman, be a millionaire in dollars (from selling books), be a former Navy Seal and so much more. And in all this time, his shadow every fuckin day would come around to tell him: You ain't that, you are a piece of shit, you can't read or write, you are weak. And he has spent the next 25 years trying to say this: Ok, I appreciate you coming around to tell me this but ACTUALLY, you are gone, you are past and I am not you nowadays.
So, maybe I wrote a fuckin novel but let us all think about it. What is your shadow (you all) ? And what are we doing about it? Is our porn addiction anything to do with it? In my case is ALL about it. My no 1 addiction.
Thank you for reading (for anybody reading this) it's long and maybe I fucked up some words unintentionally.