Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

Day 35

Hi @GBS. Thank you, but no need to apologize. You've had a hell of a month and I hope things will get better for you soon. None of that is easy, and again, my condolences.

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking here, but I appreciate you writing.

Please forgive my potential errors: you fucked up relatively recently ( a month or so ago)

Yes, on New Year's Eve, and three nights following.

but it wasn’t porn it was a cam girl and you didn’t do anything more than talk to her, right?

It was porn too, especially the first night, and one PMO session that night also, but the other nights just cam, or to be more precise, messaging for two nights, then finally going forward with the video cam the last night. But no, I didn't do anything else besides talk to her. Nor did I get off or have her perform for me etc. We just talked, that's it.

Now I don’t wish to downplay the obvious mistake you made….made worse by hiding it for a while…..but which bit of what you did was cast as the main wrong doing?

I'm not sure I grasp your question here. Are you asking what did she think was the worse thing about what I did? I would say probably, as always, that I hid the truth. I had promised her I would tell her the truth and keep her in the light about all of this. And two and half years ago, right before my big streak, I told her no matter what I would never look at a cam again. Obviously porn wasn't an option, but cams were completely off the table, because it was blurring the lines between digital fantasy and realty, not to mention the money. Then there's the whole part about me only "talking" to her, which in reality, is a total guy thing to say and from a male perspective. Of course, there's nothing wrong with the male perspective, I'm a man, and from our perspective, cheating is often a black and white phenomenon, did the dick go into the vagina? However, for women, it's all about the emotions and connections, and me talking to that striper actually came off worse than just having her perform and treating her like an object for me to whank off to. Of course, I knew this in advance, but for whatever reason, I thought I could maneuver my way through this with the old "it was only talking" speech. But now she's thinking... Am I not enough to talk to? Am I not good enough? Why does he not feel he can't talk to me or open up about his fears? All of these are legitimate reactions and feelings on her end, and she has every reason to think these thoughts.

So no, I don't think I cheated, and neither does she (she told me that recently), however, whatever the hell you want to label it, it's not exactly a pat on the back.

You are fast recovering addict whose numbers just don’t reflect where you’re at. You are the king.

Thanks, I do think this is true, not the king part, but the recovering addict part.

As always, love you.

Blondie

 

[Blondie]

Day 36

 

[Blondie]

Day 37

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Keep it up man! Kicking ass and taking names, I'm proud of you. Can't wait to see you back in the triple digits!

As for your relationship stuff -- I know it's been a bit of a rough patch but at least it's REAL. At the end of the day you are working through real stuff with a real woman you care about -- that's the entire point of the reboot I think. For all the girls I've been with, while the random hookups are fun in the moment the next day or next week you have a sense of emptiness. Still better than porn for sure, but not as fulfilling as you'd think. Which is why I guess you see even the biggest playboys eventually settle down (often not successfully as the mentality to plough through 50+ women isn't exactly conducive to a LT relationship)...but this is the end path that can at least lead to LT happiness. I don't know many single guys 35+ but the ones I do know generally aren't very happy...so what you're doing being honest and working on the relationship is exactly right. Keep crushing

 

[Ezel]

Day 37

my man. keep it up...

 

[swimmer97]

Already Back at 37 days. Keep Killing it as Always Mate

 

[Blondie]

Day 38!

Keep it up man! Kicking ass and taking names, I'm proud of you. Can't wait to see you back in the triple digits!

Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles. Damn, I can't wait just to get to 90 again!

As for your relationship stuff -- I know it's been a bit of a rough patch but at least it's REAL. At the end of the day you are working through real stuff with a real woman you care about -- that's the entire point of the reboot I think

This is true, thank you. Yes, dealing with real life, even if it's "dirty" is better, than running away from it. That's definitely why I'm rebooting. Recovery without facing reality, is only half recovery.

For all the girls I've been with, while the random hookups are fun in the moment the next day or next week you have a sense of emptiness. Still better than porn for sure, but not as fulfilling as you'd think. Which is why I guess you see even the biggest playboys eventually settle down (often not successfully as the mentality to plough through 50+ women isn't exactly conducive to a LT relationship)...but this is the end path that can at least lead to LT happiness. I don't know many single guys 35+ but the ones I do know generally aren't very happy...so what you're doing being honest and working on the relationship is exactly right. Keep crushing

Yes, these guys who run around for their whole lives are just as empty as those whacking off to porn 24/7, or mostly, at least it was "real" for a moment. But yes, I get your point. However, just to be clear, if she and I do decide to end this relationship for good one day, I definitely have no intentions of hitting on everything that moves. Sure, that would be fun for a little while, but I have goals now, and for the first time in my life, a future career I'm actually happy about. It was "fun" when I was aimless in life in my late 20s and early 30s, but not that much fun. However, having these real talks with her are opening up my eyes and helping me see new realities and possibilities; this is definitely conducive to the man I want to be. Whatever happens in our future, this man is what I want to go forward with. That is, a man who lives in the truth and does not hide shit from his woman. Go all the way or go home. Take it or leave it.

Best brother.

my man. keep it up...

Thank you @Ezel! Love you man.

Already Back at 37 days. Keep Killing it as Always Mate

Thanks @swimmer97. I appreciate it. Keep killing it as always

Love

 

[Blondie]

Day 39

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 38!


Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles. Damn, I can't wait just to get to 90 again!


This is true, thank you. Yes, dealing with real life, even if it's "dirty" is better, than running away from it. That's definitely why I'm rebooting. Recovery without facing reality, is only half recovery.

Yes, these guys who run around for their whole lives are just as empty as those whacking off to porn 24/7, or mostly, at least it was "real" for a moment. But yes, I get your point. However, just to be clear, if she and I do decide to end this relationship for good one day, I definitely have no intentions of hitting on everything that moves. Sure, that would be fun for a little while, but I have goals now, and for the first time in my life, a future career I'm actually happy about. It was "fun" when I was aimless in life in my late 20s and early 30s, but not that much fun. However, having these real talks with her are opening up my eyes and helping me see new realities and possibilities; this is definitely conducive to the man I want to be. Whatever happens in our future, this man is what I want to go forward with. That is, a man who lives in the truth and does not hide shit from his woman. Go all the way or go home. Take it or leave it.

Best brother.

Love this man, keep it up. In today's world, naturally becoming a man (vs. staying a boy) is harder...it needs to happen more deliberately vs. maybe 30-40yr ago. But it's still certainly attainable if we put in the work which you certainly are. Lets get it

 

[GBS]

Nice one, mate. Keep going. NEVER give up. Got your back forever.

 

[Blondie]

Day 40

Thank you @First_step_thousand_miles and @GBS. As always, I appreciate it.

Life is feeling pretty damn rough right now. I'm a emotional disaster. We've been having some tough and hard discussions these last 24 hours. Many tears have been shed and I feel more are to come. The truth might set you free, but it seems you have to go through hell first to get there. I'm not sure where all this "truth" is heading to tell you the truth, but I'm scared shitless to say the least. This cam shit was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our "problems"

My feelings at the moment

- I feel worthless
- I feel utterly incompetent in relationships
- I feel I made these same mistakes in my last relationship in my 20s, and I did it all over again with my Lady now during my 30s
- I feel like I'm a 41 year old coward who looked at a cam instead of talking to his lady like a man
- I feel I'm a manboy who doesn't know what he wants in his relationships, and thus, always hurts them in the end
- I feel like shit because of these facts
- I know I've relapsed in the past sometimes because of these facts
- I feel like porn sometimes really isn't "my problem", but being a coward is
- I feel slightly "heroic" because I'm at least facing the truth and not running away

If truth is a hurricane, well I'm in the eye of the storm right now. It's scary as fuck to be in, but at least you can see the blue sky above, that is, through the flying debris of your life.

Not much of a celebration for 40 days out, but anything is better than going back.

 

[Blondie]

Day 41

 

[TryingHarder]

it seems you have to go through hell first to get there.

When you're going through hell, keep going!

I feel like I'm a 41 year old coward who looked at a cam instead of talking to his lady like a man

The coward part might have been true in your moment of weakness, but that was then, this is now.

I feel slightly "heroic" because I'm at least facing the truth and not running away

A coward would run away and back to a stupid cam girl and flush everything down the toilet. A man would stand his ground and face the truth - just like you're doing now.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Blondie - @TryingHarder is bang right. Your behaviour is not that of a coward. A coward would simply disappear from here and hide. A coward wouldn’t have had a 700+ day sober streak until recently. You’re on the cusp of success. If you feel like you want to sabotage your relationship or your life, then join the fucking club. There are literally millions of us out there who, because we’re human, find it hard to endure what life has given us. And we will be judged in how we pick ourselves up.

You are a real man fighting real world problems. Keep fighting man. It’s so SO hard….I get it, but when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

@Blondie be strong! You're going through something that's not easy at all. Sending courage your way!

 

[swimmer97]

Day 40

First of all gj on the 40 days.

You are far away from being worthless or a bad person. quite the opposite.

You made a mistake but you manned up and told her about it and you reflect on it like a real man.

For me, just the fact that you write this entry about your mistakes and weaknesses actually shows what i call true strength.

Your a legend, there are shit moments and tough times but the clear mountain mornings will come back again for the cowboy. Keep killing it

 

[Blondie]

Day 42

Thank you @GBS, @TryingHarder and @the_mountain_goat. Words can't describe how good it felt seeing your messages both last night and this morning.

After hitting a real low, things have been looking better the last two days, we even had a little "Valentine's dinner" last night that was fun. When I wrote that post two mornings ago, we had just had some real heartbreaking conversations, and things were said, that were hard hitting to say the least. Of course, she has every right under heaven to say her peace and feelings to me, but damn, I felt like shit afterwards. She even apologized for how she said some things yesterday, and I told her that was crazy, I'm the one who should be apologizing here. We both agreed though that we need to work on expressing ourselves on a daily basis, and because that's not our norm, we have to give ourselves some room to make "mistakes" in communicating our feelings etc., and that it would be better to not always express ourselves perfectly than not express ourselves at all.

I also explained myself more, and clarified some points of contention, especially about the recent cam session. I explained to her why I only "talked" to the cam girl, and said, these days the thought of whacking off to porn that's not a real woman, utterly disgusts me and does absolutely nothing for me. And then I explained the cam girl, reiterating the same points but also said, the thought of whacking off to a real woman on a cam disgusts me even more, because she's a real person in real time, with dreams, a family, a real name and probably a boyfriend (which she had because I asked), and that I was fucking tired of objectifying women, even when in the midst of a relapse. I told her I damn well know this doesn't make me a saint, but it is the fucking truth, and that my brain, even when screwing up, is just not the same as it used to be. She said she loved me because of this statement, which brought a tear to my eye.

We've decided to stick together and not break up. We'll see what happens, but I think her and I will always be friends no matter what, and maybe that's what this shit's all about, that is, friendship with sex.

All these girls in porn, and yes, the cams girls too, they're real people. Have you and I ever stopped for one moment to think about this fact? Do we even care? Because no matter how "hot" they are, or how "horny" you think you are, when you start caring about "THEM" for just one moment, the illusion is shattered, and you're just a lonely fucker sitting alone in your room. These girls have dreams, and probably many broken ones (like the rest of us), and probably babies too, and all the realities of reality that we're trying to forget about when engaging in this shit.

Think about that
Think about that
Think about that

That's all for today, but I do feel much better. Why? Because I'm back living in the truth again, and this current streak's foundation is built upon that truth. I would have never gotten to two years free last time without telling the truth and living in that truth. I think this time around my truth has even expanded and is deeper than it previously was, not only about myself and my Lady, but about the ladies on those sites too, porn or otherwise.

Repeat after me fellas, these girls are not "porn girls" or "cam girls", no, all these titles are words of objectification. These girls are women, REAL women. Women with dreams, babies, husbands, boyfriends, and all the other human imperfections that come along with that. They're real human beings. Think on these thoughts the next time you're tempted, and your illusions about them will collapse just as quickly as your pecker does.

A Thank You Letter From the American West

Dear Columbian beauty, wherever you are, whom I talked to just 42 nights ago. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for shattering my illusions. We discussed everything like normal human beings that night: your boyfriend, my Lady, laughed about life in general, and definitely about life on such a site as I found you on. You said I was different than all the other men there, and you said you could tell this instantly in how I interacted with you. I want you to know, your words stopped me dead in my tracks, because, although that might have been the truth that night, this wasn't always so. I want to thank you for saying those words to me, no matter how fucked up the situation was in hindsight, because those were the very words I needed to hear.

You're different
I'm different?
I'm different NOW

I want you to know, you're a beauty both inside and out, and I wish you the best with your boyfriend and life. Whatever you think about yourself, just know this, you're more than an object to get off to.

Thank you, in the most ironic, fucked up, and truest sense of that term.

Blondie, the man who is NOW different.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 42

Thank you @GBS, @TryingHarder and @the_mountain_goat. Words can't describe how good it felt seeing your messages both last night and this morning.

After hitting a real low, things have been looking better the last two days, we even had a little "Valentine's dinner" last night that was fun. When I wrote that post two mornings ago, we had just had some real heartbreaking conversations, and things were said, that were hard hitting to say the least. Of course, she has every right under heaven to say her peace and feelings to me, but damn, I felt like shit afterwards. She even apologized for how she said some things yesterday, and I told her that was crazy, I'm the one who should be apologizing here. We both agreed though that we need to work on expressing ourselves on a daily basis, and because that's not our norm, we have to give ourselves some room to make "mistakes" in communicating our feelings etc., and that it would be better to not always express ourselves perfectly than not express ourselves at all.

I also explained myself more, and clarified some points of contention, especially about the recent cam session. I explained to her why I only "talked" to the cam girl, and said, these days the thought of whacking off to porn that's not a real woman, utterly disgusts me and does absolutely nothing for me. And then I explained the cam girl, reiterating the same points but also said, the thought of whacking off to a real woman on a cam disgusts me even more, because she's a real person in real time, with dreams, a family, a real name and probably a boyfriend (which she had because I asked), and that I was fucking tired of objectifying women, even when in the midst of a relapse. I told her I damn well know this doesn't make me a saint, but it is the fucking truth, and that my brain, even when screwing up, is just not the same as it used to be. She said she loved me because of this statement, which brought a tear to my eye.

We've decided to stick together and not break up. We'll see what happens, but I think her and I will always be friends no matter what, and maybe that's what this shit's all about, that is, friendship with sex.

All these girls in porn, and yes, the cams girls too, they're real people. Have you and I ever stopped for one moment to think about this fact? Do we even care? Because no matter how "hot" they are, or how "horny" you think you are, when you start caring about "THEM" for just one moment, the illusion is shattered, and you're just a lonely fucker sitting alone in your room. These girls have dreams, and probably many broken ones (like the rest of us), and probably babies too, and all the realities of reality that we're trying to forget about when engaging in this shit.

Think about that
Think about that
Think about that

That's all for today, but I do feel much better. Why? Because I'm back living in the truth again, and this current streak's foundation is built upon that truth. I would have never gotten to two years free last time without telling the truth and living in that truth. I think this time around my truth has even expanded and is deeper than it previously was, not only about myself and my Lady, but about the ladies on those sites too, porn or otherwise.

Repeat after me fellas, these girls are not "porn girls" or "cam girls", no, all these titles are words of objectification. These girls are women, REAL women. Women with dreams, babies, husbands, boyfriends, and all the other human imperfections that come along with that. They're real human beings. Think on these thoughts the next time you're tempted, and your illusions about them will collapse just as quickly as your pecker does.

A Thank You Letter From the American West

Dear Columbian beauty, wherever you are, whom I talked to just 42 nights ago. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for shattering my illusions. We discussed everything like normal human beings that night: your boyfriend, my Lady, laughed about life in general, and definitely about life on such a site as I found you on. You said I was different than all the other men there, and you said you could tell this instantly in how I interacted with you. I want you to know, your words stopped me dead in my tracks, because, although that might have been the truth that night, this wasn't always so. I want to thank you for saying those words to me, no matter how fucked up the situation was in hindsight, because those were the very words I needed to hear.

You're different
I'm different?
I'm different NOW

I want you to know, you're a beauty both inside and out, and I wish you the best with your boyfriend and life. Whatever you think about yourself, just know this, you're more than an object to get off to.

Thank you, in the most ironic, fucked up, and truest sense of that term.

Blondie, the man who is NOW different.

You're absolutely right man. Porn desensitizes us but also dehumanizes the women involved. No one ends up well at the end...we are destroying our brains and they are destroying theirs (if not also their bodies). Truth is, for 99% of these women it's too late as almost no one who grew up well adjusted is doing porn / is a hooker / cam girl / etc....and that's very sad, but it's NOT too late for us to quit and get our lives back on track.

Of course it's hard when you say this to an addict brain as I have experienced countless times before. I'm glad you and your lady are working things out. Keep it up man, our brains often wrk to chase highs so I think the key is to find replacements. Obviously you are in a relationship, but what other hobbies give you that deep satisfaction? Might be worth building a few more

 

[GBS]

maybe that's what this shit's all about, that is, friendship with sex.

Nailed it….

and love is there too….because genuine friendship with sex becomes true love.

 

[Blondie]

Day 43

Thanks for the encouragement @swimmer97, that made my day. And that picture, where did you find that of me?

With much love,
Blondie

You're absolutely right man. Porn desensitizes us but also dehumanizes the women involved. No one ends up well at the end...we are destroying our brains and they are destroying theirs (if not also their bodies). Truth is, for 99% of these women it's too late as almost no one who grew up well adjusted is using porn / is a hooker / cam girl / etc....and that's very sad, but it's NOT too late for us to quit and get our lives back on track.

Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles.

Yes it's a terrible cycle of destruction for everyone involved. However, just thinking about them as people seems to be the first step in turning the spell off and getting your head out of your ass to admit reality. I think it's too easy for us men to "blame" these women for "seducing" us etc., however, we should be mindful that they are just as much a part of the system as we are. Their world is our world, and we're all somewhat responsible in partaking in it and sustaining it. That doesn't mean I would choose them for a wife necessarily, however, it does mean I should approach them with empathy and understanding as much I hope someone would do for me.

I'm glad you and your lady are working things out.

Thanks brother, me too!

Obviously you are in a relationship, but what other hobbies give you that deep satisfaction? Might be worth building a few more

Yes, I still need to work on this. What I'm studying in college is a great passion of mine, and at the moment, I don't have much time for anything else, so at least that makes me happy.

Best brother, and as always, thank you.

Nailed it….

and love is there too….because genuine friendship with sex becomes true love.

This is a fact. Thank you for reminding me @GBS.

It really is a beautiful thing what we're talking about here.

Love you.