Day 42
Thank you
@GBS,
@TryingHarder and
@the_mountain_goat. Words can't describe how good it felt seeing your messages both last night and this morning.
After hitting a real low, things have been looking better the last two days, we even had a little "Valentine's dinner" last night that was fun. When I wrote that post two mornings ago, we had just had some real heartbreaking conversations, and things were said, that were hard hitting to say the least. Of course, she has every right under heaven to say her peace and feelings to me, but damn, I felt like shit afterwards. She even apologized for how she said some things yesterday, and I told her that was crazy, I'm the one who should be apologizing here. We both agreed though that we need to work on expressing ourselves on a daily basis, and because that's not our norm, we have to give ourselves some room to make "mistakes" in communicating our feelings etc., and that it would be better to not always express ourselves perfectly than not express ourselves at all.
I also explained myself more, and clarified some points of contention, especially about the recent cam session. I explained to her why I only "talked" to the cam girl, and said, these days the thought of whacking off to porn that's not a real woman, utterly disgusts me and does absolutely nothing for me. And then I explained the cam girl, reiterating the same points but also said, the thought of whacking off to a real woman on a cam disgusts me even more, because she's a real person in real time, with dreams, a family, a real name and probably a boyfriend (which she had because I asked), and that I was fucking tired of objectifying women, even when in the midst of a relapse. I told her I damn well know this doesn't make me a saint, but it is the fucking truth, and that my brain, even when screwing up, is just not the same as it used to be. She said she loved me because of this statement, which brought a tear to my eye.
We've decided to stick together and not break up. We'll see what happens, but I think her and I will always be friends no matter what, and maybe that's what this shit's all about, that is, friendship with sex.
All these girls in porn, and yes, the cams girls too, they're real people. Have you and I ever stopped for one moment to think about this fact? Do we even care? Because no matter how "hot" they are, or how "horny" you think you are, when you start caring about "THEM" for just one moment, the illusion is shattered, and you're just a lonely fucker sitting alone in your room. These girls have dreams, and probably many broken ones (like the rest of us), and probably babies too, and all the realities of reality that we're trying to forget about when engaging in this shit.
Think about that
Think about that
Think about that
That's all for today, but I do feel much better. Why? Because I'm back living in the truth again, and this current streak's foundation is built upon that truth. I would have never gotten to two years free last time without telling the truth and living in that truth. I think this time around my truth has even expanded and is deeper than it previously was, not only about myself and my Lady, but about the ladies on those sites too, porn or otherwise.
Repeat after me fellas, these girls are not "porn girls" or "cam girls", no, all these titles are words of objectification. These girls are women, REAL women. Women with dreams, babies, husbands, boyfriends, and all the other human imperfections that come along with that. They're real human beings. Think on these thoughts the next time you're tempted, and your illusions about them will collapse just as quickly as your pecker does.
A Thank You Letter From the American West
Dear Columbian beauty, wherever you are, whom I talked to just 42 nights ago. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for shattering my illusions. We discussed everything like normal human beings that night: your boyfriend, my Lady, laughed about life in general, and definitely about life on such a site as I found you on. You said I was different than all the other men there, and you said you could tell this instantly in how I interacted with you. I want you to know, your words stopped me dead in my tracks, because, although that might have been the truth that night, this wasn't always so. I want to thank you for saying those words to me, no matter how fucked up the situation was in hindsight, because those were the very words I needed to hear.
You're different
I'm different?
I'm different NOW
I want you to know, you're a beauty both inside and out, and I wish you the best with your boyfriend and life. Whatever you think about yourself, just know this, you're more than an object to get off to.
Thank you, in the most ironic, fucked up, and truest sense of that term.
Blondie, the man who is NOW different.
But no, I didn't do anything else besides talk to her. Nor did I get off or have her perform for me etc. We just talked, that's it.
