Hey Blondie, that was an epic post and I appreciate the honesty. In fact, it sounds like something I might tell myself!
If this harsh self-criticism is acting like a cold shower and leads you to something more positive, then it's a good thing. Just be careful not to get too mired in being your own punching bag. I have been there and done that, and ultimately it doesn't work. I sincerely hope you and your lady can have some honest conversations and sort this out.
Thanks for the feedback @TryingHarder. Yeah I know I'm being tough on myself here, but I think I need it in this situation. However, it's definitely in that "cold shower" type of analogy you gave. It's refreshing to hear the cold truth sometimes, no matter how hard it hits your back and takes your breath away. And I without doubt needed to hear it, as we all do from time to time. These actions we do against our women are insane, and thus, we rightly deserve our asses kicked, so as to wake up to reality, or maybe their reality. Do I really think I cheated? Probably not, but what I'm saying is, it doesn't really matter, and only a Nice Guy would be sitting around rationalizing this shit. To put it bluntly, it's fucking disgusting.Hey Blondie, that was an epic post and I appreciate the honesty. In fact, it sounds like something I might tell myself!
We actually talked about this, and how I need to not be hard so on myself, at least in other areas of my life. But in this sense, there really is no excuses or rationalism that can "save" me.
I appreciate this.
I relate with this pretty strongly. I’m passive -aggressive with my wife. We don’t get into blow-up fights, but sometimes I get pissy and she has to guess what I’m mad about. Bro, I’m pretty sure if there’s one thing women respect less than a man who watches porn, it’s a passive aggressive man!
That’s what they get from their girl friends, they don’t want it from us! And then with porn, I’m basically saying “I WOULD cheat on you if I had the balls, but this is easier and I’m less likely to get caught.” Sure, it’s “better” that you don’t actually have sex with another woman, but the only thing stopping me is my lack of nerve! Same as fighting. “I COULD blow up at you, but that could backfire and lead to a bigger conflict, so instead I’ll just act annoyed without telling you why!” We shouldn’t congratulate ourselves for avoiding bad behaviors we only avoided out of cowardice, rather than genuine abhorrence of the behavior. This is pretty hard to accept, because it’s SOOOOO easy to fail in these subtler ways these days, we feel like we shouldn’t be responsible. In a world so beset with temptations toward evil, we fool ourselves into thinking mere inaction is a heroic act! “What do you mean I’m a bad person?? I didn’t…” Exactly, you didn’t. Here lies a great man, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t step on any toes. He may have WANTED to do evil, but he simply acted out those desires in his head and did nothing bad or good. Is this the best we can hope for ourselves, as modern men? To stay out of trouble? It’s truly pathetic. Yes, it’s great that we are here and working on our addictions. At least attempting to address our porn addictions does put us above a certain number of men who don’t even try. But is that all we want to shoot for?
Thank you for that recommendation @First_step_thousand_miles, I'll have to check that book out. I've always heard of David Goggins, but have yet to actually look into him. I love stories where people get past their shit and rough upbringings, always inspiring to read. We all have a story to tell in one way or another, and I think it's important to know that story, and to come to peace with it, even if it's not as "crazy" as some others. I know I have mine, and although there's plenty more crazier than my upbringing, I can say mine is pretty fucking nuts. However, at the end of the day, I can either choose to be "mad" or "angry at my parents" or, I can use it as a source of strength and to kindle the flames within me. These days, more or less, especially after solving that shit with my folks, it's generally a source of strength.
Hey @jonazo91, thanks for stopping by. Yeah, passive-aggression is fucking terrible, and I've spent years trying to extricate it from my life. It was literally how my family communicated, so I guess you could say, old habits die hard. Although I've been more successful than not in learning how to assert myself at work, school, and even my family over these last ten years, the relationship with my lady still has its weaknesses and moments. I think for me, it's almost more that I don't share what I'm thinking inside, especially about our relationship, and how I feel about it, or any crushes I might have (and there's always one) or any woman that might have her eye on me, and thus, I let this shit torment me and brew internally until I either look at porn, or worse, fucking cams, which I've only done a handful of times. So for me, I think it's more a fear of conflict that still holds me back, which I guess you could say is more passive, than passive-aggressive. Or maybe, more to the point, I just suck at communicating sometimes, but it's often out of fear of conflict and exposing myself and my weaknesses.I relate with this pretty strongly. I’m passive -aggressive with my wife. We don’t get into blow-up fights, but sometimes I get pissy and she has to guess what I’m mad about. Bro, I’m pretty sure if there’s one thing women respect less than a man who watches porn, it’s a passive aggressive man!
Thanks for this. You have some good points. You know what, for her and I, porn has always been this weird thing, were it's been spoken and sometimes unspoken, that I would use it because I have a hard time being "monogamous" thus, it would help me stay faithful etc. And, as everything has been crashing down these last few days, I've been really thinking long and hard about this agreement we had, and how fucked up it is. In some ways, it set the precedent, not for cams per se, but just the idea, that not only is porn okay, but using it as a way to NOT cheat is perfectly okay and acceptable. Of course, I don't blame her for this or my actions, but this mindset really started sometime at the beginning of our relationship, and even though I've been "mostly" clean these last six years, that pattern I started at the beginning with, is so easy to fall back on, especially when I'm stressed or whatever. Never again would I think or allow that to be okay in a relationship, because it wasn't. And you're right, not "cheating" while still doing this shit, is utterly ridiculous and deserving of much mockery. We may not be "cheaters", at least in the truest sense of that term, but we're fucking buffoons, which might be even worse.
This is great. Yes, it's a total fucking joke. Back in the day, before modern porn, none of this would be an option. You might have your fantasies or whatnot, but it didn't matter, and whatever girl you were with, was probably the only one you would ever see naked, much less, have a chance with. But now, it's a totally different ballgame. And what's worse, the same realities face most men, that is, most of us being utterly average, but now, you can "fantasize" to your heart's content. A societal disaster waiting to happen.
Yes, I think we should be daily shooting for the best in ourselves, in everything we do, not just porn. To me anyways, porn is but a symptom and not our main problem, though I don't deny its pull.
You had a difficult conversation when you really didn't want to but you knew it had to be done. There's nothing more masculine than that! Proud of you brother. Big love
I love that you are taking accountability, king! It's a landmark of a growth mindset. Maybe it's time to ask yourself what kind of man you'd like to be and reverse engineer it to who you are now. What traits do you want to have? How do you want to be in front of your peers? More importantly, how do you want to be when you're alone? Ask yourself a million questions like that and come up with your three dimensional answer, then get to work.
Thanks brother. Although I do agree with you, I sure don't feel very masculine right now. But you are right, truthfulness is masculinity. And masculinity is definitely NOT running away from your fears of conflict. At least I did that.
That's a good point, thank you @SmokenMirrors. In some ways I've lost sight of what I want to be, especially in this relationship, or maybe any relationship for that matter. I've been so focused on "fixing" my life: school, career and running from my past, I've lost track of the man I want to be in my relationships and have become a boy in some regards. In some ways you could say I've "relapsed" to my old self twenty year old self.
Exactly --no one chooses the hands they are dealt. Some folks are born with pocket rockets, others with a 2 of clubs and an 8 of hearts -- it's like wtf am I supposed to do with this hand??? But Goggins shows exactly what you can do with that hand, the strength to overcome ANYTHING is within us. Use the frustration and channel it to work for you. You got this man, love you too
I'm glad that more people get into David Goggins around here. I see a post about David Goggins, I have to say something too because I'm a fan. I have the book, only Kindle format, actually I have both of his books cause he has two in Kindle format and I have to say that this guy is truly inspirational. That Huberman podcast he did was the most hardcore I've ever seen him. He had that attitude: I know all the things I've done in my life to become a strong man and leave behind that kid beaten by his father who used to stutter therefore I don't feel sorry for anybody who keep themselves weak and mediocre and don't grind to become strong.
And I feel him because since that day that he talked about when he saw the Navy Seals Bud/s training program on TV, when he was 300 lbs working nights, and that commander officer or whatever he was (I don't know the names of the ranks etc) said "We live in this society where mediocrity is rewarded. These men right here detest mediocrity" talking about the few men in front of him who had finished the training, since that day when David watched this he detested mediocrity and he will not give us any hug and any "I feel you bro" moment about mediocrity, it's one of those things, you don't go to David Goggins complaining about mediocrity because this year makes it 25 years since he started trying to stop being mediocre and weak. He started at 24 years old and he will be 49 years old in February. It makes you think all the "What ifs". What if I started earlier? But really, I'm just a fan who wants more people to find him.
This was actually a slip of the tongue, but it made us both laugh all the same. As they say, if you can't laugh at yourself, well, you're alreadly fucked. It was nice to see her laugh again.Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles, this is definitely true.
Thanks for the information about David Goggins @Escapeandnevercomeback, I feel I understand the phenomenon around him much better now. Furthermore, there's nothing "wrong" with you. We all know what we should be doing, it's always a matter of, will we do it or not that determines our fate.
Yeah one thing that struck out to me in what you posted is how porn addiction is treated so poorly, esp. by women. Alcohol is fine, nicotine is understandable, even sex addiction is considered better than porn addiction....how does that make sense? Esp. when 95% of adult men under 30 use it (maybe 85% under 40)???Day 27
Last night was one of the most emotional nights I've ever had in my life. Tears, tears, and more tears. During the conversation, I told her the amount of money I had spent to the cent, and goddamn, that was not the easiest thing to admit. I just wanted to jump on my horse and never come back. We both agreed we felt better afterwards, but we were utterly exhausted and too tired to cry anymore. It goes without saying she doesn't trust me again, and further, she feels my three weeks of lying is just as bad as the actual cam session. I knew this is what had hurt her so much last time, that is, the lying, but I just couldn't manage to say anything until I did. Of course in my head, I wanted to say, "Hey now, last time I did this cam shit five times in a span of a year and never told you. It's only been three weeks this time and I only did it once. I'm improving!" But the fact of the matter is, it doesn't really work that way. I still did it and I still fucking lied about it. The trust was broken between us. It goes without saying I feel like utter shit, although a little better this morning. However, yesterday was probably one of the worst mental days of my entire life, I just felt like utter crap and not worth a damn thing. The shit of the earth. I know these thoughts are not productive, but in times like these, it's hard not to fall into.
This addiction is so isolating. After the shower of tears last night, we watched a show where an alcoholic relapsed after eight years (I know, what timing!) and this made me think just how other addictions are thought about in our society, and how ours is so secretive and "shameful" compared to theirs. Now maybe this is not true, but it does feel this way to me, possibly because I'm right here at this moment. Other people in our society who get over there "thing" are considered heroic and bad ass, though yes, there are tons of people who would call those former addicts "losers" or whatnot. However, for us, porn addiction is still considered such a taboo thing and only for "perverts", thus, to admit you've been addicted to it, is to admit you're practically a pedophile or something. Which is ironic if you stop to think about it, because the same culture that force feeds us this shit, is the same culture that tells us we're "perverts" for saying we're addicted to it, or denies it's even an addiction to begin with. That's what you get when you mix American puritanism and unbridled capitalism; vacuous moralism sucking the cock of profits.
My day just got a little better though. As I was writing this, my Lady walked in and gave me a hug (that's an improvement!). She sat on my lap and I told her my number (day 27). She said she believed in me and I reassured her by saying "I've done this many times, I can do it again!"
Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles, this is definitely true.
Best brother.
Thanks for the information about David Goggins @Escapeandnevercomeback, I feel I understand the phenomenon around him much better now. Furthermore, there's nothing "wrong" with you. We all know what we should be doing, it's always a matter of, will we do it or not that determines our fate.
Here's what I think about you. You think you're a prisoner, with no escape route to be found, and only a life behind bars as your lot in life. However, the way I see it, you're a prisoner without any bars at all, in fact, there's no fucking prison to be found. It's only you, and the lies you've told yourself about yourself and "your" situation, that are forming the walls around you. Three days ago, I too felt as if a prisoner, enclosed in walls that seemed impenetrable, however, after talking to my Lady and doing something different than my normal prison yard routine, I realize now the walls never existed in the first place, and they were only figments of my imagination. Sure, maybe we will break up, or maybe we won't, or maybe, who knows, but the fact is, those walls were only illusions, and not reality, fears but not truth, although I could have sworn otherwise. I thought I couldn't tell her. I thought everything would end instantly. I thought I thought I thought I thought. But today, the sun is still shining. The sky is bluer than normal, and the world keeps moving as it always has. And trust me, the sunrise outside of prison is much better than from within.
We are not our thoughts, but a product of them.
Maybe your tagline is all wrong Escape. Your problem isn't that you need to "escape" but only realize, there's no bars to be found at all, and only lies that enclose you.
Best brother.
I get this. I think when it comes to women, minus societal influence, I think deep down inside on a biological level, porn, at least in its essence, repulses them. I don't mean in the cheating sense either, I mean, just the thought that a man would spend so much time on a fantasy, chasing "fake" women, and not spending that energy on improving himself or chasing real women or his woman. Thus, a man with a sex addiction, as long as he didn't cheat on them, would still be considered acting in the real world, minus his flaws etc., hence, a "real" man.
Those statistics are insane @First_step_thousand_miles, and i believe them. At the end of the day, they're will always be judgers on all addictions, and we just have to be sure of ourselves and move forward regardless of what some people might think they know about all of this.
Thanks man, me too!
Thanks @searching4good, this made my day. Hiding this shit from her, just doesn't work for me. I feel as if half a man when I go down that road.
That's right, man. Fuck em.Day 28
Almost to 30 days!
Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback, thanks for writing your response. You wrote so much, I don't know where to start! I've never heard of this Stutz psychologist before, but having just looked into him now, he does seem interesting. I see he has a couple of books out, maybe you could read them and get a "cheap" version of sitting down with him? I can honestly say, reading books has saved my life, but of course, as you pointed out, it's very easy to fall into "intellectual masturbation" and not implement what you're reading. Needless to say, reading books has literally saved this hick from the sticks.
This shadow work he talks about I have heard before, though it might be from a different perspective. I believe shadow work originated from Carl Jung and not Freud, and Stutz is a Freudian psychoanalyst, so that's interesting. Either way, shadow work is an fascinating concept I should look into more. I do know each of us has an image of what we are, and that image is often utterly false and bogus. I'm sorry about those douche bag(s) in your childhood, making fun of your skinniness, virginity etc. The thing is we all have "something" that we think defines us, however, I can tell you for certain, that their words are not the "truth" about you, and what is more, as an adult you have to take responsibility for being stupid enough for believing they were true in the first place. You didn't know better at that age, but now you do. Don't let some moron from your childhood define you, don't give him that power. I have many people in my childhood that I let define me, both peers and adults, however, I've learned as an adult that their statements about me that I innocently took as the "truth" were utterly false and vacuous, and they only stemmed from their own insecurities or lack of understanding me. What someone says about you is only the truth if you allow it to be. As with everything being an adult, the buck stops here. It's not that assholes' fault now, it's on you brother. As an adult, you take responsibility for being "dumb" enough, aka, innocent enough, to believe in the lies that were said about you in your childhood. Don't "prove" him right, fuck, prove him wrong! I have people and names, and scenarios of the people who said shit about me when I was young, and I use my righteous anger as fuel to prove them wrong. They do not have the privilege of defining me as an adult. Their stupid comments either purposely or not, will not dictate the footsteps of my future life. Obviously, I'm not going to get revenge, but I use that anger as fuel to get further along in life, but yes, if we ever happened to cross paths, they could suck it.
I say it once more.
It's always on us.
It's always on us.
It's always on us.
The buck stops here, and the lies we believed about ourselves we now take responsibility for.
If that fucker would have told you the color of the sky is actually green, it would be on you to have believed something so stupid. Thus, everything he told you about yourself is just as stupid as if professing the sky is green. There's no truth to any of it. And it's on YOU if you still believe it. So why do you? The real question is, why are you not laughing at him?
Embrace your autism.
Embrace your skinniness
Embrace your virginity
Embrace everything about you
Embrace that the sky is blue
Someone special in my life once told me I was stupid. This simple word of only two syllables scarred me for years. Why would someone say that? I used to believe it was true because I falsely believed in the "authority" of the person who said it. But that authority figure was wrong, dead wrong. And it was only as an adult in my thirties when I fully realized the tenuousness of his prophecy about me. And let's be clear, what someone says about you at a tender age can really feel like a "prophecy", especially if you "stupidly" accept it as truth. But the fact of the matter is, that man was hurt, broken and as lost as many men I know, thus, why would I allow his words to define me? His words were as vacuous as if saying the sky is green. In my thirties, I finally realized it was on me now, and not him and others to define my truth. I would not allow his words to prophesize my life. It was my fault that I still believed it, and it wasn't on him anymore, or anyone else for that matter.
The buck stops here.
Well back to studying. I need to keep up that 4.0.
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all who doubted me and said I was stupid. They can just suck my big fat cowboy educated cock!
Best brother.
I guess when you are a kid it tends to be like that. You tend to believe those things, you are not mature enough to see it. That's why it's very important what adults tell kids. I guess I really was in need of some mentor because there was nobody to see where my head was at and to try to make me have a more realistic view about what was going on cause by myself I clearly developed the wrong view. Now it depends how long it lasts, you could be on some autopilot like me and only realize in your late 20s that you've been having the wrong thinking.