Attempt number one thousand? A 22 year old's latest attempt at rebooting

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 91

For the first time, I have achieved 90 days free of PMO! 🎉

The journey is still ongoing. I still fight urges every so often, although they've gotten few and far between. There's also still much room for improvement in my life and healthy habits that I want to implement.

But I've come further than ever before in becoming free of porn addiction, and freeing my brain from the dopamine trap.

I'll summarize a few thoughts below:

Benefits: I originally became interested in NoFap all those years ago after hearing about miraculous benefits like increased energy, mental clarity, extraversion, freedom from social anxiety, and magical attractiveness to the opposite sex. Unfortunately, I can't say that all those things came true, and I think it's almost counterproductive to set so much expectations on benefits.

Ultimately, what allowed me to successfully complete these 90 days was not focusing on benefits, but simply trying to avoid porn, which I am repulsed by and want nothing to do with.

That said, I did notice some gradual changes in my life over the last 3 months. My mental state has been more stable and healthy than it has in years. The days when my anxiety is overpowering are much fewer and far between. In general, my anxiety levels seem way lower. I've also become much more disciplined with how I spend my time. Nowadays, I almost always hit the gym after work when I have time, and even in my down time before bed, I'm much more purposeful with what I browse on the internet. I've also been much more social, arranging more outings and events with my friends, and making more efforts to introduce myself to new people. I still struggle with social anxiety sometimes, but it feels more manageable, and I actually feel like it's something I can continue to challenge and make gradual progress on.

Going forward: Obviously, the goal is to quit PMO forever. Porn is a sneaky, insidious trap made to monetize our brains' reward system and ancient instinctual circuitry. It's the product of unchecked human desire met with other humans' greed. I want nothing to do with it, and refuse to let it control my brain and weigh me down any longer. I'm proud of my 90 days that I've achieved, but it's only the beginning. The next major milestone will be 6 months, and I'll be ecstatic to reach an entire 365 days eventually.

I also feel like rebooting has freed me and empowered me just enough to push myself to grow. I don't have abundant, supernatural confidence. But I now have just enough confidence to push myself to meet more people, expand my comfort zone, becoming more charming, more capable, more wise, and more content. I will gradually continue to improve and push myself, until I accomplish all the goals I originally set out to achieve.

Here's looking forward to the future.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 94

Had a wet dream last night. Another weird one where I had a sexual dream and nutted, then woke up into another dream where I thought I had PMO'd and got sad about my streak being over. Then woke up for real, and realized that I hadn't PMO'd, but I did have a noctural emission and had to change my pants.

At any rate, urges are creeping back tonight, gotta stay strong
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 97

Had another wet dream, where I woke up right at the end, so it was really uncomfortable and felt too close to a relapse. Still involuntary though, so not much I could do about it. I think it's because urges have been high the last few days. Been meeting lots of people at uni clubs the past few weeks, and I think the social stimulation is somehow putting me on edge and triggering urges.

On the bright side, I can definitely say that my anxiety and social anxiety are waay down compared to before rebooting. Recently started TAing a course and joined a new club at my uni, and I've been able to introduce myself to nearly everyone and make conversation so much easier than previous years.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 99

So I speculate this could be related to my wet dreams - if they functioned as a sort of physiological "mini relapse", but urges have come back this week with renewed vigor. Except they're not really porn-related, just strong urges to fantasize, and to seek release.

It almost feels like a dopamine withdrawal or something. I usually have issues with lack of apetite and very rarely get food cravings. But the last few days, I've been craving stimulating foods. I had to get out of bed at 1AM yesterday to make an Indomie instant noodles to get my dopamine fix. I've also been distinctly aware in my down time of my brain telling me to browse reddit, or scroll through YouTube shorts.

Perhaps I'm encroaching on the next stage in my reboot journey, where it becomes a battle against dopamine/pleasure-seeking behaviour rather than just porn.

At any rate, I'll be at triple digits by the end of today!!
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 104

Urges have been nearly out of control. Had a close call yesterday morning, where I nearly MO'd before getting out of bed to start my day. Also close calls with my browsing today, where I've been reading/watching stuff that I know makes me start fantasizing...

Really need to stay in control and channel all of my pent up stress/energy into working out or socializing.

I kinda thought that being this far into the streak, the addictive pathways in my brain would be gone and urges would be a lot easier. If anything, they seem to be getting worse, pretty much as bad as the first couple weeks or around the 40 day mark.

On the bright side, I'm officially in the triple digits now! The thought of how much progress I've made is the only thing keeping me in control and from giving in at this point.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Really need to stay in control and channel all of my pent up stress/energy into working out or socializing.
Good work, Maple. And yes, channel your energy into other things. Declutter your home, work out, arrange your shirts in alphabetical order, count leaves on trees. Do anything that isn't sitting in front of a screen with the lure of porn tempting you. The urges will go up and down, speaking from experience, but eventually - with time and effort - they will go away.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Great job on the trip digits. Maybe something you could do is go back to earlier posts and remind yourself why you're doing this, what you're gaining from it etc. I'm thinking about what I would have liked to do before my recent relapse: a strong reminder of why I'm doing this and what I'm gaining from it (and what I would lose from a relapse). Questions probably to answer for yourself!
Good luck! You're an inspiration, keep going!
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 111

Thanks for the encouragement, TryingHarder and mountain_goat. This week went a lot better than the last. I've been trying to go to the gym more often, especially when I have urges.

I had some brain fog throughout the week, which I haven't had in a while. But I had a good week in terms of social anxiety.

Weirdly enough, I had yet another wet dream this morning. It could just be placebo, but I feel like my urges get worse every time I have a wet dream.

In other news, I had some candid conversations with friends this week about porn use and its negative effects, and I was able to proudly tell them that it's been almost 4 months since I've viewed porn or masturbated, which is pretty cool.

Anyway, the fight goes on!
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
It feels so nice to be able to speak with friends about it. I find it such an important and difficult step in the process. It sort of "cancels" the feeling of shame and secrecy around our addiction. It also helps us feel accountable. Good job @MapleSyrup!
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 7
(Longest streak: 117 days)


Well, I'm not too thrilled to write this update, but I want to keep myself accountable.

So a couple Fridays ago, I was lying in bed mindlessly scrolling through YT shorts and Instagram, and ended up getting triggered by a few posts, which weren't necessarily porn, but were typical thirst traps. I put away my phone, and tried to walk around the apartment to clear my mind, but eventually ended up MO'ing. It wasn't technically a PMO relapse, but as far as I'm concerned, it was a lapse in my self control, and thus a relapse.

A few days later, I got hit hard by the chaser effect, and MO'd again, twice, without even getting triggered by anything online. Again, I consider it a relapse since it was a major lapse in self control, and I was recalling old memories of porn from months/years ago. Scary how it's still wired into my brain like that...

At any rate, that was a bit of a wake up call, and I reflected on it and realized that after passing 100 days, I was getting lazy/cocky and gradually entertaining more lust/porn-related thoughts and 'testing the limits' so to speak.

I'm getting right back into the fight though. It felt a bit sad to reset my day counter, but I want to be as honest as possible to myself and the community.

On the bright side: other than the initial disappointment, I don't feel like my brain has somehow relapsed to my pre-reboot addicted state. If anything, I still feel at my all-time high in terms of mood stability, and extroversion. My social anxiety feels lower than ever. I'm not going to let a small setback undo all the progress I've made so far.

Let's get back at it.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I consider it a relapse since it was a major lapse in self control...
Every guy has their own definition of "relapse" I suppose but if you didn't PMO, then I don't think it counts as a relapse. Anyway, glad to hear that you're feeling good and have regrouped after straying from the path. As you say, don't let a small setback undo your great progress.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 13

Thanks TryingHarder. I know everyone has different standards for relapse. Personally, I'm trying to be in control of my sexual urges in general, including avoiding thirst traps or fantasizing about porn. But certainly I'm glad that it wasn't a full PMO relapse.

Things are going pretty well the last week, I'm staying completely clear of anything overtly sexual on the internet, and trying to stop fantasizing about porn-related scenes, or general unhealthy sexual thoughts about women in my life. Urges have been at bay, especially because I've been really busy with grad-school research and social outings lately, leaving not much time at home other than for sleeping.

Had a moment when I was hanging out with a new friend group, where I realized just how far I've come versus where I was last year. A year ago I was so trapped in porn addiction, with low motivation, social anxiety, and general anxiety about life. I had very little social life, and couldn't put myself out there to make more friends, and I drowned out all my negative thoughts and emotions with PMO. Now, my anxiety is so low, and I feel so much more comfortable and competent in various areas of my life. I've met so many new friends, taken on new responsibilities, and improved my self-discipline so much just in the past 6 months. I feel like I'm catching up on years of wasted potential that I missed. I only wish I could have started this transformation a couple years earlier.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 19

Smooth sailing the past week.

Still been pretty busy with social events, so not much time to be alone with temptations.

In a bit of a weird place mentally though. My anxiety levels are so much lower than pre-reboot that I'm having some trouble with rebalancing my motivation, desires, and personality. My social interactions and goals for the day used to be largely about pushing through anxiety-inducing situations as much as possible, and relaxing enough at the end of the day. Now that my anxiety is lower, I find that I want to get a lot more out of my day and my interactions - deeper connections with friends, meeting more people, making good impressions.

I think I need to slowly rebuild/re-discover my personality, since I feel like my personality has been buried under layers of anxiety and PMO-addiction for years, and has withered. I find myself not remembering how to joke around with people, not knowing how to initiate conversations, and generally not being satisfied with a lot of shallow interactions.

It all makes me wonder who I could have been if I had never been porn-addicted, or if I rebooted successfully earlier.
 

96LostWanderer

Active Member
I think I need to slowly rebuild/re-discover my personality, since I feel like my personality has been buried under layers of anxiety and PMO-addiction for years, and has withered. I find myself not remembering how to joke around with people, not knowing how to initiate conversations, and generally not being satisfied with a lot of shallow interactions.

It all makes me wonder who I could have been if I had never been porn-addicted, or if I rebooted successfully earlier.

This sounds a lot like the experience I’m having right now, about 3 weeks in. I’m generally feeling more calm, which is a double-edged sword. I’m dealing better with situations that are usually anxiety-inducing for me but sometimes I feel quite flat emotionally.

I’m also finding that some days I am more open to talking to people than usual. Some days I’m feeling frustrated and irritated though.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I think I need to slowly rebuild/re-discover my personality, since I feel like my personality has been buried under layers of anxiety and PMO-addiction for years, and has withered. I find myself not remembering how to joke around with people, not knowing how to initiate conversations, and generally not being satisfied with a lot of shallow interactions.
I think that freeing your mind (slowly but surely) from a porn addiction makes you discover a lot of things. What led you to porn? What can life be like without porn? You now have some more space in your life without porn - what will you fill it with? It can certainly be confusing, but figuring it all out is better than staying in the addiction.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 27

PMO/Urges
I had another really good week in terms of urges. Was pretty busy and out of the house most of the time, so no time to be tempted. Unfortunately, the club I've been busy with at uni is ending for the term in a week, so my social pool is gonna shrink pretty dramatically...
I have a feeling that urges and negative emotions will come back, so I'll have to stay extra vigilant and do my best to eliminate dangerous alone time on the internet.

Life/Benefits
I'm still occasionally frustrated at my lack of confidence and awkwardness in conversations, and feeling unsatisfied with my social life, even though it's improved dramatically in the last few months. In particular, I still feel way too nervous and apprehensive about approaching women I'm interested in, and don't really know how to even get the ball rolling in conversation.

To be honest though, at this point it's less to do with rebooting, and more just me catching up on years of missed social development, which got delayed due to PMO addiction and lost years of Covid isolation. I can't help but feel behind, as a 23-turning-24-year old. I keep on thinking 'if only my current self could travel back in time into my 19-year old's body, I would be able to accomplish so much more'.

I guess I need to take a step back and be grateful for how much progress I've made in the last 4 months, instead of dwelling on what could have been.

Speaking of, it's now just about 4 months since I last PMO relapsed, and almost 1 month since my last MO relapse. When I think about it, 4 months is a relatively short period of time, and expecting my life to do a 180 in 4 months is a bit unrealistic. If anything, I've already made enormous progress in my social life, mental health, and confidence, in just 4 months.

Let's see where this journey will take me in the next 4 months.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I guess I need to take a step back and be grateful for how much progress I've made in the last 4 months, instead of dwelling on what could have been.
Exactly. I have certainly struggled with feelings of regret and wishing things could have been different - but that's not possible. It's not easy, but I've adopted a "that was then, this is now" attitude. We understand life backwards, but of course we have to live it forwards. Be thankful for your progress, what you're doing now, and what you can achieve in the future.
 
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