Wohoo!
In my experience the social anxiety gets better with time. Not that you shouldn't seek help if you need it, of course. At some point one just gets tired of beeing anxious about how people perceive them and then you stop caring.
Best wishes
Attempt number one thousand? A 22 year old's latest attempt at rebooting
- Thread starter MapleSyrup
- Start date
In my experience the social anxiety gets better with time. Not that you shouldn't seek help if you need it, of course. At some point one just gets tired of beeing anxious about how people perceive them and then you stop caring.
Best wishes
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Hey @MapleSyrup - super nice to read your story. Congrats on 50 days! It is strange to encounter "porn-like" media in your daily life, weirdly if it's with other people and not too explicit, I don't find it triggering. Hope you stay strong and out of any traps. You're super inspiring. Keep it up!
MapleSyrup
Member
Hi @Trisquel and @the_mountain_goat, thanks for the words of encouragement, I really appreciate it!
It's great to hear that in your experience social anxiety generally gets better with time. Regarding seeking help; I did previously have a therapist this year that I was working with for general anxiety, but I ran out of covered sessions. I'm thinking of finding a new therapist in 2024 though, since I feel like my last one was very helpful, and I definitely want to keep working on myself.
About "porn-like" media in daily life, it is indeed a weird grey-area with regards to rebooting. Luckily since I was around people, there was no immediate temptation to relapse or fantasize. But I have noticed that my urges are stronger today, and I actually had a dream about relapsing last night, which is a bit concerning and odd. Definitely have to stay strong the next few days.
It's great to hear that in your experience social anxiety generally gets better with time. Regarding seeking help; I did previously have a therapist this year that I was working with for general anxiety, but I ran out of covered sessions. I'm thinking of finding a new therapist in 2024 though, since I feel like my last one was very helpful, and I definitely want to keep working on myself.
About "porn-like" media in daily life, it is indeed a weird grey-area with regards to rebooting. Luckily since I was around people, there was no immediate temptation to relapse or fantasize. But I have noticed that my urges are stronger today, and I actually had a dream about relapsing last night, which is a bit concerning and odd. Definitely have to stay strong the next few days.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 53
Had a vivid dream yesterday about relapsing by masturbating to something. It was really weird, I can remember giving up and rationalizing thinking "the streak doesn't mean that much, it hasn't made any difference, and you've already edged this much, might as well finish". The same sort of rationalizations I've made before relapsing countless times.
I woke up pretty relieved that it was a dream, but somehow it still feels like a loss, since I totally gave up on my streak in my dream.
I think that watching porn-like stuff recently has caused me to have porn re-entering my mind. Gonna try and stay clear of that kind of content in the future, as much as I can.
Had a vivid dream yesterday about relapsing by masturbating to something. It was really weird, I can remember giving up and rationalizing thinking "the streak doesn't mean that much, it hasn't made any difference, and you've already edged this much, might as well finish". The same sort of rationalizations I've made before relapsing countless times.
I woke up pretty relieved that it was a dream, but somehow it still feels like a loss, since I totally gave up on my streak in my dream.
I think that watching porn-like stuff recently has caused me to have porn re-entering my mind. Gonna try and stay clear of that kind of content in the future, as much as I can.
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
It’s a critical moment where you have to perhaps, find a way to observe your p-related thoughts (vs. rejecting them) and ask “why?”, “is it worth it?”, and then find a way to conclude “no thank you” to these thoughts…
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 56
Woke up in the middle of the night with a wet dream. I don't even remember having a sexual dream, just that I woke up with my pants wet, which was kind of uncomfortable. I think that's the second time that's happened this streak. Interestingly, I had a conversation with my roommate and he was baffled and had no idea what a wet dream even is. Perhaps wet dreams are a phenomenon that's disappeared in the modern age where porn and masturbation are so ubiquitous that for single men, the body doesn't need to have noctural emissions.
Other than that, my mood's been quite good the last few days. My nagging sense of stress and anxiety is still very low, and I've found it easier to relax and enjoy myself. I have a week off for the holiday, and am back at my parents' place with my siblings. Usually when I visit home, I have no trouble avoiding relapse since I don't have much alone time, and I'm ready to sleep by the end of the day. Still going to remain vigilant against peeking at any NSFW content, since that's usually my main trigger that leads to relapse.
Woke up in the middle of the night with a wet dream. I don't even remember having a sexual dream, just that I woke up with my pants wet, which was kind of uncomfortable. I think that's the second time that's happened this streak. Interestingly, I had a conversation with my roommate and he was baffled and had no idea what a wet dream even is. Perhaps wet dreams are a phenomenon that's disappeared in the modern age where porn and masturbation are so ubiquitous that for single men, the body doesn't need to have noctural emissions.
Other than that, my mood's been quite good the last few days. My nagging sense of stress and anxiety is still very low, and I've found it easier to relax and enjoy myself. I have a week off for the holiday, and am back at my parents' place with my siblings. Usually when I visit home, I have no trouble avoiding relapse since I don't have much alone time, and I'm ready to sleep by the end of the day. Still going to remain vigilant against peeking at any NSFW content, since that's usually my main trigger that leads to relapse.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 58
Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone had a porn-free Christmas day.
Not much to report for me. Urges have been low the last few days. Had a couple social outings, I was able to talk to some people, but I still have nagging social anxiety which holds me back from being as extroverted as I would like to be.
I'm planning on using the rest of my holiday break to rest, recuperate, do some journaling and introspection. Definitely want to head into the new year in a positive way. Not with some lofty resolutions that are too high to keep, but just with the intention to continue the positive trajectory that I'm already currently on.
Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone had a porn-free Christmas day.
Not much to report for me. Urges have been low the last few days. Had a couple social outings, I was able to talk to some people, but I still have nagging social anxiety which holds me back from being as extroverted as I would like to be.
I'm planning on using the rest of my holiday break to rest, recuperate, do some journaling and introspection. Definitely want to head into the new year in a positive way. Not with some lofty resolutions that are too high to keep, but just with the intention to continue the positive trajectory that I'm already currently on.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 60
Wow, I never thought I'd be writing this, but I have made it to 60 days without any PMO!
That's 2 thirds of the way to 90 days.
It's been a lot easier than any of my previous attempts at rebooting. I think the main difference is that previously I treated this like a challenge, so I would often think about porn or other sexual thoughts, and entertain the thoughts while fighting the urge to MO. This time, I just realized one day that I was done with porn, that I hated having anything to do with it, and that I was done with degrading myself with PMO. I've been treating this not as a challenge, but just simply avoiding something that I despise and know is bad for me.
That said, there's still challenges. I've had a bunch of sexual dreams recently involvign porn, and I've been tempted to entertain those thoughts and MO upon waking up. I have to remain vigilant and not slip up or end up heading down the path of temptation.
Wow, I never thought I'd be writing this, but I have made it to 60 days without any PMO!
That's 2 thirds of the way to 90 days.
It's been a lot easier than any of my previous attempts at rebooting. I think the main difference is that previously I treated this like a challenge, so I would often think about porn or other sexual thoughts, and entertain the thoughts while fighting the urge to MO. This time, I just realized one day that I was done with porn, that I hated having anything to do with it, and that I was done with degrading myself with PMO. I've been treating this not as a challenge, but just simply avoiding something that I despise and know is bad for me.
That said, there's still challenges. I've had a bunch of sexual dreams recently involvign porn, and I've been tempted to entertain those thoughts and MO upon waking up. I have to remain vigilant and not slip up or end up heading down the path of temptation.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 64
Almost New Years here, at least for fellow EST people. Happy new years to everyone!
This year was a pretty solid one of recovery in general for me. I rebuilt a lot of mental stability and confidence, and really worked on my anxiety in therapy and on my own. I quit weed and solo-drinking altogether. Regained a lot of work ethic. Made some new friends, and made more efforts to build my social circle and get to know people better.
And of course, I made the biggest progress yet in overcoming my lust and porn addiction. Even 6 months ago, I could not have imagined that I would hit 64 days completely PMO free. I've almost doubled my previous longest streak from years ago.
I'm still not completely where I'd like to be. I still have persistent social anxiety in a lot of social situations, which prevents me from talking to people, and especially women that I'm interested in. I still have confidence issues and trouble with shame and negative self-perception.
But rather than making some lofty New Year's resolutions that I wouldn't be able to keep anyway, I'd like to keep it simple. January 1st is just another day, a Monday falling the day after a Sunday. I'm already on a good trajectory, and by fighting porn, and keeping my healthy habits, I'm bound to keep aiming higher.
So going into 2024, I'm going to keep up the good work.
Good luck to everyone, and happy new years.
Almost New Years here, at least for fellow EST people. Happy new years to everyone!
This year was a pretty solid one of recovery in general for me. I rebuilt a lot of mental stability and confidence, and really worked on my anxiety in therapy and on my own. I quit weed and solo-drinking altogether. Regained a lot of work ethic. Made some new friends, and made more efforts to build my social circle and get to know people better.
And of course, I made the biggest progress yet in overcoming my lust and porn addiction. Even 6 months ago, I could not have imagined that I would hit 64 days completely PMO free. I've almost doubled my previous longest streak from years ago.
I'm still not completely where I'd like to be. I still have persistent social anxiety in a lot of social situations, which prevents me from talking to people, and especially women that I'm interested in. I still have confidence issues and trouble with shame and negative self-perception.
But rather than making some lofty New Year's resolutions that I wouldn't be able to keep anyway, I'd like to keep it simple. January 1st is just another day, a Monday falling the day after a Sunday. I'm already on a good trajectory, and by fighting porn, and keeping my healthy habits, I'm bound to keep aiming higher.
So going into 2024, I'm going to keep up the good work.
Good luck to everyone, and happy new years.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 66
Urges came back with a passion the last couple days. Totally out of the blue, I've woken up with crazy urges and nearly MO'd while half-asleep. Unfortunately today, I even watched stimulating stuff on YouTube in the morning, which had my brain in relapse-mode for the rest of the day.
I came scarily close tonight to giving in to my urges and pulling up old porn-related sites that I used to browse. It was like my brain suddenly reactivated a familiar habit from 2 months ago.
Luckily I stopped myself, but I'm a bit unnerved now. I've relapsed enough times to know exactly how it starts, and this was pretty close to the slilppery slope.
Going to have to be a lot more careful with the websites I visit in the next few days...
Urges came back with a passion the last couple days. Totally out of the blue, I've woken up with crazy urges and nearly MO'd while half-asleep. Unfortunately today, I even watched stimulating stuff on YouTube in the morning, which had my brain in relapse-mode for the rest of the day.
I came scarily close tonight to giving in to my urges and pulling up old porn-related sites that I used to browse. It was like my brain suddenly reactivated a familiar habit from 2 months ago.
Luckily I stopped myself, but I'm a bit unnerved now. I've relapsed enough times to know exactly how it starts, and this was pretty close to the slilppery slope.
Going to have to be a lot more careful with the websites I visit in the next few days...
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Hey @MapleSyrup, good that you keep yourself present here to reflect on what’s happening. Thanks for sharing honestly what you’re going through. Can you find out in yourself why these urges are here? What triggered them (feelings, situations…) And how you could mitigate this in the coming days?
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
I agree with Mountain Goat - think about what triggers you experienced, what led you to the slippery slope, what can you do different next time? And yes, be careful of what you look at on the web. I can speak from experience - you take a look at something and think "this will be OK" and then 10 seconds later something's on your screen that is definitely not OK. Spending less time on the internet will certainly help.
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Hey @MapleSyrup - how have you been doing? Hold on!
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 70
Thanks for checking in, TryingHarder and Mountain Goat.
Urges have continued to be quite distracting for the past few days, especially at the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and trying to fall asleep. Luckily I haven't totally given in, and haven't directly looked at P or MO'd, although I got way too close once.
I think it started because I was procrastinating on some grad school work near the end of my week off, which led to re-entering some old habits and bad mental state. Back when I was at rock-bottom mental health at the beginning of my grad school program in 2022, I was in an awful cycle where I knew I had things to do, but I would procrastinate about it all day, browse the internet, and then feel even worse and more stressed by the end of the day. I didn't feel like I could relax and go about my day or go to sleep without finishing some work, which got progressively harder to do. It got to the point where the anxiety, sense of external pressure, poor feedback from my supervisor, and negative self-esteem was absolutely crushing, and I coped by doing excessive alcohol, weed, and PMO most nights.
I eventually got out of that cycle by staying on top of my deadlines, and making sure I physically got out of the house to do my work, even if it was remote work, so that I had a clear sense of separation between work and home. That way, I was more likely to get work done during the day, and feel comfortable unwinding at home.
The last thing I want to do is fall back into that horrible cycle of anxiety, drug abuse and PMO. This week, I have some deadlines and in-person meetings I have to do regardless, so I'm going to try and get back into my usual work rhythm, which should hopefully keep my anxiety in check and reduce my urges.
Thanks for checking in, TryingHarder and Mountain Goat.
Urges have continued to be quite distracting for the past few days, especially at the end of the day when I'm lying in bed and trying to fall asleep. Luckily I haven't totally given in, and haven't directly looked at P or MO'd, although I got way too close once.
I think it started because I was procrastinating on some grad school work near the end of my week off, which led to re-entering some old habits and bad mental state. Back when I was at rock-bottom mental health at the beginning of my grad school program in 2022, I was in an awful cycle where I knew I had things to do, but I would procrastinate about it all day, browse the internet, and then feel even worse and more stressed by the end of the day. I didn't feel like I could relax and go about my day or go to sleep without finishing some work, which got progressively harder to do. It got to the point where the anxiety, sense of external pressure, poor feedback from my supervisor, and negative self-esteem was absolutely crushing, and I coped by doing excessive alcohol, weed, and PMO most nights.
I eventually got out of that cycle by staying on top of my deadlines, and making sure I physically got out of the house to do my work, even if it was remote work, so that I had a clear sense of separation between work and home. That way, I was more likely to get work done during the day, and feel comfortable unwinding at home.
The last thing I want to do is fall back into that horrible cycle of anxiety, drug abuse and PMO. This week, I have some deadlines and in-person meetings I have to do regardless, so I'm going to try and get back into my usual work rhythm, which should hopefully keep my anxiety in check and reduce my urges.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 77
The last week went a lot better. Urges were there, but manageable. Had a close call with risky browsing, but didn't escalate to actual P.
Getting closer to the 90 day checkpoint. Two weeks to go. Still feels a bit surreal that I've gotten this far, after 6-7 years of trying and failing.
I was reflecting recently on whether I've noticed any benefits so far from quitting PMO for over two months. I think my anxiety is generally lower, and my mind is more clear, but it really varies by day. My social anxiety has not magically disappeared, unfortunately, and my romantic pursuits have certainly not gone much better.
However, there is one significant benefit: I've been able to talk about porn in conversation with friends, and casually mention that I'm done with it. When the topic of porn-related stuff or masturbation comes up, I don't feel any shame since I know I don't use it anymore. In the past, talking about porn always came with an element of shame, since I knew it was something not good for me that I was trapped in. Now, it's in the past tense, and I take pride knowing that my brain is finally becoming free from its snares.
The last week went a lot better. Urges were there, but manageable. Had a close call with risky browsing, but didn't escalate to actual P.
Getting closer to the 90 day checkpoint. Two weeks to go. Still feels a bit surreal that I've gotten this far, after 6-7 years of trying and failing.
I was reflecting recently on whether I've noticed any benefits so far from quitting PMO for over two months. I think my anxiety is generally lower, and my mind is more clear, but it really varies by day. My social anxiety has not magically disappeared, unfortunately, and my romantic pursuits have certainly not gone much better.
However, there is one significant benefit: I've been able to talk about porn in conversation with friends, and casually mention that I'm done with it. When the topic of porn-related stuff or masturbation comes up, I don't feel any shame since I know I don't use it anymore. In the past, talking about porn always came with an element of shame, since I knew it was something not good for me that I was trapped in. Now, it's in the past tense, and I take pride knowing that my brain is finally becoming free from its snares.
Blondie
Respected Member
This is great news @MapleSyrup! Keep pressing forward to day 90.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
I think we have all been there. How many times did I try to quit, only to relapse? Once you make it to some significant milestones (90 days, 6 months, a year) I know you will feel a great sense of accomplishment.
That's excellent, MapleSyrup. Even after being clean for almost 2 years, I have never had the courage to talk with anyone (other than psychologists) about my porn addiction. So much shame there, and the prospect of sharing the experience of a porn addiction with someone still fills me with fear. Great to hear that you have been able to discuss freely.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 84
Another week down. One week left to go until the big 90.
Urges have been pretty in control, although every now and then while lying in bed, they'll just come out of nowhere. This past week, fantasizing and avoiding MO has been more of a challenge than urges to browse actual porn. Personally, I'm looking to avoid both, since I find that fantasizing is unhelpful in of itself, and often leads me back to porn anyway.
Onwards we go.
Another week down. One week left to go until the big 90.
Urges have been pretty in control, although every now and then while lying in bed, they'll just come out of nowhere. This past week, fantasizing and avoiding MO has been more of a challenge than urges to browse actual porn. Personally, I'm looking to avoid both, since I find that fantasizing is unhelpful in of itself, and often leads me back to porn anyway.
Onwards we go.
MapleSyrup
Member
Day 89
Smooth sailing so far this week. Been really tired lately, probably sleep deprived from busy days in grad school.
Anxiety feels waaay lower the last couple weeks, hopefully it stays this way.
As of the end of tomorrow, I'll be at 90 days!
I had pretty much given up hope of ever reaching 90 days, after relapsing so many times over the years. Just goes to show that a change in mindset and implementing healthy habits makes a huge difference.
Smooth sailing so far this week. Been really tired lately, probably sleep deprived from busy days in grad school.
Anxiety feels waaay lower the last couple weeks, hopefully it stays this way.
As of the end of tomorrow, I'll be at 90 days!
I had pretty much given up hope of ever reaching 90 days, after relapsing so many times over the years. Just goes to show that a change in mindset and implementing healthy habits makes a huge difference.
Blondie
Respected Member
Congrats on hitting 90 days @MapleSyrup! 