November 8th, 2021
There's all this advice on how to be a great woman. How to find yourself. You don't find yourself, you create yourself! You can be anyone you want. Just be yourself. I've said, "I don't believe in the stereotypes." Great women can be strong, can be harsh, can be meek, can be sexy, can be passive. So what defines being a woman? What is that feminine energy?
I've said that I think that a woman is someone who makes a place feel like home and people feel like family. Feminine energy is victory through patience, a force that guides in the dark. There is feminine power in mystery, intrigue. Periods of attachment and separation, moments of stealing the show and moments of quiet and withdraw. Being a woman is about flow and the beauty of change. Something that dare I generalize only women are unafraid of. The thing we fear most is stagnation. Which is why we are more prone to unhappiness. To truly know something is to know it's good traits and it's flaws.
So who am I really? Do I just let go of all this overthinking? Connect with my inner child? I finished writing my personal mission statement a while ago but today I have been struggling so much I just want to burn it. I want to burn it all down. I just want to disappear and live my life. And I just want to do what's right.
My birthday is in six days, my father has gotten worse very quickly and this may be my last birthday and holidays with him. He's been choosing to kill himself everyday of my life. I've been preparing for this since I was four. But my fear is that these stressors on my family and I will destroy this opportunity I've worked so hard for and I will get stuck in this stagnation. I feel the fury of a hurricane and the need to disappear like a new moon.
I think now that in one week I have lived 26 years of life, and I have spent enough time creating myself and obsessing over who I want to be, i need to tune into myself in small moments and big moments and learn to feel, who I am and what I want in that moment. Maybe I've already created her. The woman I've always wanted to be. I have put a lot of work into her. Into me. Now I think it's time to really feel her and trust her. What do I need right now? And I need to ask this question when she feels afraid, stifled by stagnation. I am not perfect. Perfection is unattainable and overrated. But she is great. And I am her. I have arrived. This is what I've always wanted.
I love myself.
I thirst for greatness.
Not perfection.
I hunger for desire.
I seek God for his strength when I fail to carry enough.
I trust myself.
To my inner child:
You finally made it and she is more magnificent than you could ever imagine!
Lots of love,
~Jennifer