Ages 16 to 26 - A Journey of Addiction and Spiritual Change
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Jinx2109
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Refer back to the first 4 sentences of my last reply.
Jinx2109
Active Member
I did do it, but after doing it decided it wasn't worth my effort.
Jinx2109
Active Member
Basically yeah, I don't generally put my whole name out on any platform, but it wouldn't take much looking into to find it.
The thing was, I made the very cognizant decision to include my face/whole body in the pictures. I noticed a trend on Instagram where it was cropped to torsos for underwear pics, and while helping protect identity maybe, I felt it also encourages objectification. I decided if I wasn't proud to have my face in the photo I shouldn't be posting it. And so I did the phostoshoot very thoughtfully with that in mind. It came down to what integrity means for me. I'll touch on this in an upcoming journal I believe.
Jinx2109
Active Member
October 16th, 2020
There was a man, a man that I loved.
He left my side when things got rough.
Three months have passed. Three months he spent focused, I understood.
I know what it takes to keep your life sorted.
He wants my friendship now, no longer parted.
My friendship is free,
and easy to give.
Though my love for him still makes it painful.
He is not the man I've seen twice in my dreams,
but a good man he certainly is.
He may have my friendship
but there are no promises I can give, for love.
How could I trust a man who gave up?
Time will tell and I will grow.
God may your will be done.
~Jennifer
If I were to be with him again I would need to see:
There was a man, a man that I loved.
He left my side when things got rough.
Three months have passed. Three months he spent focused, I understood.
I know what it takes to keep your life sorted.
He wants my friendship now, no longer parted.
My friendship is free,
and easy to give.
Though my love for him still makes it painful.
He is not the man I've seen twice in my dreams,
but a good man he certainly is.
He may have my friendship
but there are no promises I can give, for love.
How could I trust a man who gave up?
Time will tell and I will grow.
God may your will be done.
~Jennifer
If I were to be with him again I would need to see:
- The he comes to me and trusts me with his problems.
- That he respects my 'no' on sexting (N/A as a friend but it could be discussed.)
- That he would make time to be with me. Quality time.
- The he would be proud to have me in his friend group.
- That he be able to look at me non-sexually.
- That I never feel manipulated.
- The he is crazy about my body the way it is and doesn't compare it to other girls.
Jinx2109
Active Member
Oh I didn't tell him those requirements
I believe giving someone an ultimatum is unhealthy and painful, having been on the other end of one. If you're not able to be with a person as they are, you should leave.And yes! It does always take time to reestablish trust.
Jinx2109
Active Member
I've been away because I had a baby! A precious little one that I feel very blessed to have in my life now. In regards to my addiction here is how this process has been. At 4 months pregnent I relapsed on porn. PMO. *Reminder to change settings in Steam to block nudity.* This may be a substitute? But it's completely porn at the same time, I'm genuinely upset that it's allowed there. As for myself? I couldn't believe it. I had felt so assured not only after 4 years of sobriety but also being pregnant and feeling such a strong desire to be a good example to my child (even in the womb.) I've forgiven myself now but at the time I felt so much shame. It was the new year and I was feeling so very much stress being pregnant and what the upcoming year would bring. Also the stress my partner and I were going through together in preparing for the child to enter our lives both physically and emotionally.
After I relapsed in January I vowed never again. There's too much at stake now. If I had a girl, what kind of world was I contributing to? I would never want her to be exploited the way I have been and the way I've exploited others through my addiction. And a boy? What example would I be setting? What world would I be helping to create that he would grow up in? (Granted I am aware there is no gender or sex limitation to any of these issues.)
I thought if I had a girl it would strengthen my resolve like never before. Make recovery easier. He's a boy. And I find myself not with increased ease but with increased pressure to be a great example. So that my home can be porn-free. So that I can have these conversations from sobriety and show with assurety the joys of living porn-free. I know: I'm expecting too much perfection as usual. Not just of myself but of the future in general. It's an ideal. And I'm okay with that, but I should also be prepared for the worst, that I may become so stressed one day that I relapse again. And I should be able to use that to continue growing. Addiction is very real and it blinds me.
After I relapsed in January I vowed never again. There's too much at stake now. If I had a girl, what kind of world was I contributing to? I would never want her to be exploited the way I have been and the way I've exploited others through my addiction. And a boy? What example would I be setting? What world would I be helping to create that he would grow up in? (Granted I am aware there is no gender or sex limitation to any of these issues.)
I thought if I had a girl it would strengthen my resolve like never before. Make recovery easier. He's a boy. And I find myself not with increased ease but with increased pressure to be a great example. So that my home can be porn-free. So that I can have these conversations from sobriety and show with assurety the joys of living porn-free. I know: I'm expecting too much perfection as usual. Not just of myself but of the future in general. It's an ideal. And I'm okay with that, but I should also be prepared for the worst, that I may become so stressed one day that I relapse again. And I should be able to use that to continue growing. Addiction is very real and it blinds me.
Yes, addiction has been described as “cunning and baffling.“ I am sure you can agree with that description.
Jinx2109
Active Member
Did the survey, was really interesting, can't wait to see the results! Any other ladies that may see this: take it if you want to help the research!
Sepul0
Member
After catching up on your consistently substantial entries today, I feel foolish to have fallen behind on them for so many months. Yes, we've been communicating elsewhere all this time, but I ought to be more consistent with this, for my sake and yours.
The ways in which you kept proclaiming turning points in your life reminds me of how I've frequently written similar material in my old journals. At the present, a little over 2 years after beginning my first journal here and exactly 1 year after you created this thread, I believe that I haven't changed enough. I've received the impression that things really did change for you though, and that you were the primary factor overall.
I may not have faith (not yet at least), but I have plenty of people in my corner, and that includes you. Being reminded of the depth of your character, your accomplishments, your values, etc., it's been a great help
The ways in which you kept proclaiming turning points in your life reminds me of how I've frequently written similar material in my old journals. At the present, a little over 2 years after beginning my first journal here and exactly 1 year after you created this thread, I believe that I haven't changed enough. I've received the impression that things really did change for you though, and that you were the primary factor overall.
I may not have faith (not yet at least), but I have plenty of people in my corner, and that includes you. Being reminded of the depth of your character, your accomplishments, your values, etc., it's been a great help
Jinx2109
Active Member
It has truly been an honor getting to know you and know your similar conviction of values, despite the pull of addiction (I know the pain of this.) I definitely have my own struggles, repeated and new, but yes, I continue to change everyday. And I see that you do too. You also do have lots of support and I'll always be here <3After catching up on your consistently substantial entries today, I feel foolish to have fallen behind on them for so many months. Yes, we've been communicating elsewhere all this time, but I ought to be more consistent with this, for my sake and yours.
The ways in which you kept proclaiming turning points in your life reminds me of how I've frequently written similar material in my old journals. At the present, a little over 2 years after beginning my first journal here and exactly 1 year after you created this thread, I believe that I haven't changed enough. I've received the impression that things really did change for you though, and that you were the primary factor overall.
I may not have faith (not yet at least), but I have plenty of people in my corner, and that includes you. Being reminded of the depth of your character, your accomplishments, your values, etc., it's been a great help
Jinx2109
Active Member
November 6th, 2020 Pt.1
There is an organization I've mentioned before called Fight the New Drug. I have been a supporter of theirs for a very long time however I have not felt I could fully become a "fighter" because I was still dealing with so much trauma and unhealthy mindsets when it came to pornography, and nudity. I feel I am finally ready.
This is their pledge:
As fighters we strive to be strong.
I understand that pornography can be harmful for myself, my relationships, and society and I will stand strong when faced with adversity.
We strive to be open-minded.
I commit to listening to others with an open mind.
We strive to be accepting.
I accept and respect that individuals have the right to develop their own stance on the topic of pornography.
We strive to be loving.
I strive for genuine love in all my relationships, and will engage others on this topic lovingly.
We strive to be bold.
I use my voice boldy to raise awareness about the affects of pornography.
We strive to be rebellious.
I will challenge the status quo when porn is normalized, regardless of what is popular.
We strive to be real.
I will speak honestly and authentically about the realities of porns harms.
We strive to be understanding.
I understand that many have been impacted by pornography in a variety of ways, and will show patience, empathy, and compassion.
Now I feel ready to start fighting and sharing my experience.
There is an organization I've mentioned before called Fight the New Drug. I have been a supporter of theirs for a very long time however I have not felt I could fully become a "fighter" because I was still dealing with so much trauma and unhealthy mindsets when it came to pornography, and nudity. I feel I am finally ready.
This is their pledge:
As fighters we strive to be strong.
I understand that pornography can be harmful for myself, my relationships, and society and I will stand strong when faced with adversity.
We strive to be open-minded.
I commit to listening to others with an open mind.
We strive to be accepting.
I accept and respect that individuals have the right to develop their own stance on the topic of pornography.
We strive to be loving.
I strive for genuine love in all my relationships, and will engage others on this topic lovingly.
We strive to be bold.
I use my voice boldy to raise awareness about the affects of pornography.
We strive to be rebellious.
I will challenge the status quo when porn is normalized, regardless of what is popular.
We strive to be real.
I will speak honestly and authentically about the realities of porns harms.
We strive to be understanding.
I understand that many have been impacted by pornography in a variety of ways, and will show patience, empathy, and compassion.
Now I feel ready to start fighting and sharing my experience.
Jinx2109
Active Member
November 6th, 2020 Pt. 2
I started looking up pornography when I was around twelve I knew it was bad at the time, I knew it could be addictive. I knew because my Dad was told to move out by my Mom when I was eleven because he had carelessly exposed me to it and because he was addicted he couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again. I knew it would mess with your mind, yet I chose to look it up half because I was starting to get curious about sex and half because I thought it must be really amazing if my father would choose it over his family.
When I say that I developed a pornography addiction in my teen years I don't mean by the standard indications of addiction except for lying to my loved ones. I wasn't blowing all my money on porn magazines or subscriptions. I wasn't ditching family events, hanging with friends, or going to church to stay home and binge porn. My grades weren't suffering. So why do I call it an addiction? Because it was absolutely affecting my quality of life. The amazing thing was that I had no idea how much I was missing from life until I got free from pornography. I think the sad thing is that a lot of porn addictions start when you're a teenager. When you're becoming your own person and then you get stuck in these mindsets and habits that define who you are and you're trapped... entering adulthood with all of these booby-trapped tools. You grow up not knowing that life can be so much better. And it makes sense, your body is becoming sexually capable and you're becoming a sexual being. However it's not necessarily the best idea to go out and start having sex as soon as that happens. The truly scary thing is that it wouldn't only effect my quality of life then, but it was affecting my mindset so much that it would impact the next several years...through recovery and even now in sobriety.
I started looking up pornography when I was around twelve I knew it was bad at the time, I knew it could be addictive. I knew because my Dad was told to move out by my Mom when I was eleven because he had carelessly exposed me to it and because he was addicted he couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again. I knew it would mess with your mind, yet I chose to look it up half because I was starting to get curious about sex and half because I thought it must be really amazing if my father would choose it over his family.
When I say that I developed a pornography addiction in my teen years I don't mean by the standard indications of addiction except for lying to my loved ones. I wasn't blowing all my money on porn magazines or subscriptions. I wasn't ditching family events, hanging with friends, or going to church to stay home and binge porn. My grades weren't suffering. So why do I call it an addiction? Because it was absolutely affecting my quality of life. The amazing thing was that I had no idea how much I was missing from life until I got free from pornography. I think the sad thing is that a lot of porn addictions start when you're a teenager. When you're becoming your own person and then you get stuck in these mindsets and habits that define who you are and you're trapped... entering adulthood with all of these booby-trapped tools. You grow up not knowing that life can be so much better. And it makes sense, your body is becoming sexually capable and you're becoming a sexual being. However it's not necessarily the best idea to go out and start having sex as soon as that happens. The truly scary thing is that it wouldn't only effect my quality of life then, but it was affecting my mindset so much that it would impact the next several years...through recovery and even now in sobriety.
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Jinx2109
Active Member
November 6th, 2020 Pt. 3
My biggest mindset problem and the one I still struggle with now is sexualizing people. Not in person. But images or videos of people. Amazingly it took only a short amount of time to stop sexualizing men but women was a different story. I'm 100% straight so it's not about attraction it's just about seeing a body as sexual. That gut-wrenching reaction of seeing extra flesh on a woman and thinking, "oh, that's wrong." Instagram has actually helped me a lot with this as I have observed that there can be an artistic tone to a photo with nudity or there can be a sexual tone. I understand this could be different for everyone. But the wonderful thing for me was as I got further away from pornography the more I could see human bodies and appreciate their beauty without sexualizing what was intended to be a non-sexual photo. I think this has been harder to discern and recover from with women because they are the most commonly exploited in porn. Yes, this meant even my own body was sexualized in my eyes and if you had asked me how someone should act in a relationship I would have said all the right things... but there were times my behaviour would say all the wrong things. This would impact my relationships and other romantic situations for...well I'm still working on that even now though I have come along way. I have learned however that it is not necessarily about nudity it's about the message it sends and it's our job as decent human beings to discern that message with appreciation and not objectification. I have finally started to break this mindset of over-sexualization towards my own body and appreciate myself as a whole being and not an object as I was shown in porn.
I am two years sober, it took me ten years to successfully quit pornography. I can tell you that my life has so much more joy in it, so much more motivation and ambition, so many more ideas and clarity. I feel good about who I am as a person and have nothing to hide. When you stop abusing pleasure it makes itself known to you more than you ever thought possible and in all facets of your life- not only with sex.
One last note: I thought I was a terrible person, questioning if I was a pedophile for young/pre-teen/teen boys, I thought I was into violent sex, orgies/gang banging. The further I got from porn the more I found out what my real kinks were, the more I realized just how much pornography twists your sexual preferences. Real life teaches you the truth and the fantasy of pornography teaches you only lies.
*Important note from present day: I never watched the highly illegal but sadly available child pornography. Thankfully, I never came across it. I noticed pre-teen boys was a common topic in hentai and regret seeing any of that. I also want to clarify that though written in the same paragraph, I do *not* consider pedophilia a "kink," it is illegal, immoral, and I do not see any way i which it should be accepted by society. Sadly, it is prevelant in human trafficking and sexual assault with child abuse being commonly done by family and close family friends. I was a victim of this as a child and have wondered if that being my first sexual experience(though I didn't know it at the time) impacted what I was drawn to in pornography. Protect our children.*
~Jennifer
P.s. Sex really is so much better when you, and both partners really, are free from pornography.
My biggest mindset problem and the one I still struggle with now is sexualizing people. Not in person. But images or videos of people. Amazingly it took only a short amount of time to stop sexualizing men but women was a different story. I'm 100% straight so it's not about attraction it's just about seeing a body as sexual. That gut-wrenching reaction of seeing extra flesh on a woman and thinking, "oh, that's wrong." Instagram has actually helped me a lot with this as I have observed that there can be an artistic tone to a photo with nudity or there can be a sexual tone. I understand this could be different for everyone. But the wonderful thing for me was as I got further away from pornography the more I could see human bodies and appreciate their beauty without sexualizing what was intended to be a non-sexual photo. I think this has been harder to discern and recover from with women because they are the most commonly exploited in porn. Yes, this meant even my own body was sexualized in my eyes and if you had asked me how someone should act in a relationship I would have said all the right things... but there were times my behaviour would say all the wrong things. This would impact my relationships and other romantic situations for...well I'm still working on that even now though I have come along way. I have learned however that it is not necessarily about nudity it's about the message it sends and it's our job as decent human beings to discern that message with appreciation and not objectification. I have finally started to break this mindset of over-sexualization towards my own body and appreciate myself as a whole being and not an object as I was shown in porn.
I am two years sober, it took me ten years to successfully quit pornography. I can tell you that my life has so much more joy in it, so much more motivation and ambition, so many more ideas and clarity. I feel good about who I am as a person and have nothing to hide. When you stop abusing pleasure it makes itself known to you more than you ever thought possible and in all facets of your life- not only with sex.
One last note: I thought I was a terrible person, questioning if I was a pedophile for young/pre-teen/teen boys, I thought I was into violent sex, orgies/gang banging. The further I got from porn the more I found out what my real kinks were, the more I realized just how much pornography twists your sexual preferences. Real life teaches you the truth and the fantasy of pornography teaches you only lies.
*Important note from present day: I never watched the highly illegal but sadly available child pornography. Thankfully, I never came across it. I noticed pre-teen boys was a common topic in hentai and regret seeing any of that. I also want to clarify that though written in the same paragraph, I do *not* consider pedophilia a "kink," it is illegal, immoral, and I do not see any way i which it should be accepted by society. Sadly, it is prevelant in human trafficking and sexual assault with child abuse being commonly done by family and close family friends. I was a victim of this as a child and have wondered if that being my first sexual experience(though I didn't know it at the time) impacted what I was drawn to in pornography. Protect our children.*
~Jennifer
P.s. Sex really is so much better when you, and both partners really, are free from pornography.