My CSB Journal

[Jverhoye]

Hello Reboot Nation:
This is my first journal post.  I arrive at this forum having recently completed a nearly 3 year treatment program for Compulsive Sexual Behavior (or CSB is I have come to know it).  My life has been transformed in so many ways and I'm happy to say I am porn-free, still married, actively engaged in my children's' lives, and participating in a weekly after-care group.  Here is a quick overview of my journey.

My first porn exposure was with a magazine that a friend's brother owned.  I was 7.  By the age of 13 I was masterbating nightly.  I saw my first porn movie when I was 16.  Throughout my 20s and into my 30s I would see the occasional VHS porn movie.  I began to really have problems with porn when it became available on the internet in the mid 90s.  In 2011 my world came crashing down.  After my wife fell asleep, on May 1, I got on my iPad.  As I lay next to her, with the sound muted, I began my nightly routine of watching porn.  Eventually, I wound up in the bathroom, alone with my iPad watching porn.  It was 2:00 in the morning.  Suddenly my wife burst into the bathroom.  Needless to say a very tense interaction took place.  I ended up going downstairs and trying to sleep.  I was having a panic attack, so I drove myself to the ER.  My BP was 160 over 120.  I eventually calmed down and my wife came to the ER.  When I met her back at our home she asked me to move out.  This was the third time over the last 12 years she had "caught me" looking at porn.  So, I moved out...for 2 months.  I called my therapist the day after I moved out and I was referred by my him to an amazing, life-saving program--The Center for Sexual Health at the University of Minnesota.  That is where I was able to get help, understand my anxiety and my dysfunctional coping mechanisms (namely, porn) and how I could recover from CSB.  As I mentioned above, I am continuing my recovery with a weekly meeting.  I continue to work hard at my "sobriety" from porn, and I also continue to feel my brain slowly shifting.  I completely resonate with the Ted Talk Gary gave and all the research about how our brains are affected by porn. 

So, that's an overview of my journey.  I have "come out" about my CSB and porn use to my family, some friends, and the men's group.  Now I'm doing it on line in this Forum and it feels good to do so.  I look forward to engaging this Forum and continuing my Journal.  There are certainly a ton more pieces to my puzzle, and over time I will undoubtedly be sharing them.

 

[somethingelse]

Jverhoye,

We'd be lucky to have you. I experienced panic attacks too man, they are the most dismal things that anyone could ever happen. Like your mind loses all rationality and inflates plenty of subtleties, it's a very self-fulfilling process man. We all have to hit lows so that we may be pushed towards a more natural high. I'm interested to know any particular issues you felt that you have overcome in the process of recovery?

I'm proud to hear of guys who have put p behind them, do keep popping back on here and chronicle your experiences when you get the chance.

Peace

 

[Viper]

Wow,
that is some hardcore stuff right there. I think it's awesome that there is a center that you can get treated where you live. All of us here thought that it could never take over our lives and that we were always in control.
Since I didn't beat my meat every night and never kept or watch porn on any of my mobile devices, I was in denial
of the extent porn had on me mentally. Simply because I knew of those that had it worse.

But when I couldn't even jerk to videos of women I consider to be very desirable, things got out of hand (no pun intended).
Besides the abstinence of PMO all together, do you mind giving any other advice from your recovery that may help others here?

 

[Jverhoye]

I am turning in for the night, but I appreciate the replies.  I will respond to the questions when I get a chance tomorrow.  Thanks!

 

[LTE]

We are honored to have you. Undoubtedly your experience will be useful in helping others. I'd love to hear more about the program

 

[Jverhoye]

So, in answer to the questions posted so far, here are a few things I have learned over the last 3 years. 

1). Being a part of a men's support group is tremendously beneficial.  There are lots of options out there.  The 2 that I am most familiar with are SAA and The Samson Society.

2). "Locking down" access to technology is huge, preventing as much as possible the access to porn sites on line.  There are some good programs out there like K9, but ultimately if there are "work arounds" to getting by the filters then sometimes taking the step to give up the iPad or laptop or smartphone may be the only option for a certain time period.  Relying totally on "will power" goes against a lot of the research on what happens to our brains with long-term porn exposure.  Sometimes we just have to block access to the technology.  For me, my brain needed several months to stop "craving" porn, and eliminating access to porn sites was the only way to get there.

3). Getting to the core of my "anxiety" was the most important component of my recovery.  Realizing that I was using porn to cope with severe anxiety was incredibly helpful. My anxiety was the problem beneath my porn problem, and getting therapy for my anxiety was huge.  I discovered what my Problematic Core Beliefs are that drive and fuel my anxiety, and I'll share them when I have more time in a future posting.

There are lots of other things I have learned and continue to learn, chief among them that I am not "cured" and I still have daily challenges, and, I don't need to project to the world that I have it "all together" and nothing rattles me.  That mask needs to be continually put aside...daily...and it's not easy!  I look forward to continuing to share my experiences, and I look forward to reading others' stories/journals as well. 

 

[LTE]

3). Getting to the core of my "anxiety" was the most important component of my recovery.  Realizing that I was using porn to cope with severe anxiety was incredibly helpful. My anxiety was the problem beneath my porn problem, and getting therapy for my anxiety was huge.  I discovered what my Problematic Core Beliefs are that drive and fuel my anxiety, and I'll share them when I have more time in a future posting.

There are lots of other things I have learned and continue to learn, chief among them that I am not "cured" and I still have daily challenges, and, I don't need to project to the world that I have it "all together" and nothing rattles me.  That mask needs to be continually put aside...daily...and it's not easy!  I look forward to continuing to share my experiences, and I look forward to reading others' stories/journals as well.

I know that your third point resonates with me. I was raised in a religiously stringent and very negative environment. Shedding the anxiety that was imposed upon me by that was a huge relief.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Jverhoye,

I wanted to thank you for coming by my journal yesterday. When I read your story, I was surprised at how similar our stories were. Like others here, I'm also very intrigued by your experiences with the CSB program. I've never tried anything like that myself, but I can appreciate the level of commitment it must have taken to complete it. I'm sure you are a better man for it and have gained a lot of self-wisdom, not to mention wisdom in the ways of recovery.

I'm really glad you found your way here. Welcome!

 

[fcjl8]

Hi Jverhoye, welcome to this forum community.

I am very happy to read your posts on your journal. I have a few years of experience trying to recover from a masturbation and pornography addiction that began when I was very young.

Unlike you, I have just been winging it. Your experience with a structured and studied program is quite different then most of us here at the forum. Anything that you are able to share is going to be read and treated as very valuable food for thought!

It is very giving of you to come here and share with us!
Thanks

 

[Viper]

2). "Locking down" access to technology is huge, preventing as much as possible the access to porn sites on line.  There are some good programs out there like K9, but ultimately if there are "work arounds" to getting by the filters then sometimes taking the step to give up the iPad or laptop or smartphone may be the only option for a certain time period.  Relying totally on "will power" goes against a lot of the research on what happens to our brains with long-term porn exposure.  Sometimes we just have to block access to the technology.  For me, my brain needed several months to stop "craving" porn, and eliminating access to porn sites was the only way to get there.

This is an interesting point about locking down the technology. I always thought that will power helps with discipline regardless of access?
I'm no expert but I'm willing to learn and share information. Fortunately for me, I haven't strayed to any sexually themed web site. Hell, for once I don't even want to check out the SI swimsuit edition. Because after all, we look to get the latest fashion at the beach  :

But seriously, you've come a long way. I also thought the most profound statement in your last post was revealing that you are not cured and every day is a challenge. If I get my sex drive back to an acceptable level, I feel like I'll need even
more discipline to avoid porn.

 

[LTE]

If I get my sex drive back to an acceptable level, I feel like I'll need even
more discipline to avoid porn.

IMO, probably not. The deal is to realize that porn and masturbation are not the answer to your sex drive. Think of it like this, if you were out chopping wood and slinging bales of hay all day long would you seek nutrition from a Dairy Queen cone? Personally, I would think that meat and vegetables would be a much better choice.

If you feel a true desire for sex the thing to do is seek the companionship of a woman. Looking at naked pictures, videos of sexual activity and jerking off will not advance sexual satisfaction one iota.

 

[Jverhoye]

I really appreciate the feedback and the questions.  I will continue to share my recovery here in my journal, as it's certainly helpful for me and I hope others find it helpful too.  I also really enjoy reading others' journals and getting other perspectives.

As for "will power" and "locking down technology," are concerned, it was equated to me in my program as an alcoholic trying to get sober while working in a bar.  Yes, I want to continue to develop more and more discipline and strength to stay sober from porn, but early on it was helpful for me to block access as much as possible.  Once I came out of the fog I was in I felt better positioned to work on my core issues and develop more will power.  But there was really no need for me to "test myself" and my will power.  Who am I trying to impress?  I watched porn in secret and I stopped watching it in secret.  Yes, I had my wife and my support group, but my "progress" has primarily been measured by my own willingness to be honest with myself.  If I acted out I would report it to my group and my therapist, but ultimately I don't need to show what a tough-minded guy I am to myself or anyone else by having unlocked technology available that I avoid.  To this day I still have restrictions on my iPad and my computers at work and home.  It's just one more thing I don't need to feel anxious about.

One more thing I'll mention is that I always encourage folks to at least consider professional help, or, at a minimum to find a support group.  Part of my initial challenge was working through the shame, and doing that with other like-minded men in a structured setting was really helpful, just as this Forum is supportive and helpful.

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

 

[Jverhoye]

So I thought it might be helpful for folks, and I know it will be helpful for me, to review the 10 Goals that were a big part of the Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB) program that I was involved in (There were actually 11, but the first was just to understand the structure of the program.  So I'll start with Goal #2 and go through Goal #11).  What I'd like to do is take each Goal one day at a time and share my experiences.

Today's Goal is Goal #2--Begin to understand my pattern of CSB

Some of the key tasks here are to read up on CSB and begin Journaling.  Obviously there is a ton of good stuff to read on the the YBOP web site.  One of the books that is recommended by lots of professionals is The Porn Trap.  Another book I would recommend is Samson and the Pirate Monks:  Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood.  The Samson book has a religious bent, so just an fyi there.  As for Journaling, this Forum is an excellent place.  Having said that, one of the most helpful things I was advised to do was to write my Sexual History.  For me this was about a 6 page, single-spaced document that traced my history from my earliest memories to the present.  It wasn't just about my history with PMO, it was also a history of my first sexual experiences, the relationships I've been in, and a lot about the family environment I grew up in.  I know for some guys, particularly younger guys, issues with Porn don't necessarily seem to have an emotional or underlying cause; however, writing down an in-depth history can prove fruitful for a variety of reasons, some of which might not have anything to do with PMO.  For this Forum I pretty much condensed my History down to a long paragraph, but over time I will continue to share my History.  I'll mention again that it was really helpful for me to be in a Support Group at the time.  I was able to, in a safe environment, talk through my History and get feedback.  This was invaluable for me and my recovery.

Along with the reading and writing, another component of this Goal is to address any Mental and Chemical Health issues.  So, for me I needed to stabilize my mood (primarily my anxiety).  For some guys this can mean addressing Depression, ADHD, OCD, and a host of other conditions.  It can also involve a Chemical Dependency Assessment.  It's not unusual for a guy to be abusing drugs and/or alcohol in the midst of CSB.  Ultimately, we're dealing a lot with Brain Chemistry here, so addressing Mental and Chemical Health issues can be crucial.

So, that's Goal #2 in a nutshell.  For me this took several months to work through in our weekly Group sessions and my monthly one-on-one sessions.  It was an important early step for me to learn about myself and to get my mood stabilized.

 

[Jverhoye]

Just checking in quick to say that Sunday evenings have been historically tough for me, but I'm sitting across from my wife and am continually amazed at how much more at peace I am without PMO in my life.  I hope everyone has a peaceful evening, and I so appreciate finding the YBOP web site and this Forum!  Thanks for all the support!

 

[somethingelse]

Jverhoye, your numbers to bring me glad tidings on any day of the week, approaching 815 just sounds fantastical. High time you enjoyed what you once were missing out on, if you get my drift. I'll definitely be subscribing to you my brother.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Jverhoye]

Thanks S.E.  I appreciate the feedback.  To be clear, I have not had PMO; however, after working through a lot of issues in my marriage things are going well for us, and there has been PIVO for a while now.  It was a long road, but we got there.

The next program Goal is #3:  Identify and Implement Boundaries.

I'm reminded of Gabe's video where he talks about taking the laptop out in the living room, only web surfing when there are others around.  The overall point as I see it is to determine my Boundaries and to own them.  One of the things that bothered my wife was when I would take my ipad into the bathroom (not surprisingly, since that is where she "caught me" acting out).  So, we mutually agreed upon that.  Over time I expanded my definition of the Boundaries I needed to establish in my life, and I came to include things related to my time and my availability.  I have a tendency to say "yes" to every request I get for my time.  So, learning to say "no" for me to certain requests has been huge, and developing good Boundaries around my time and my attention has been really helpful.  I can't be all things to all people.  Ultimately, this goal is about the relationships I have with people, technology, and my time, and, answering the question, "What are my Boundaries?"

 

[LTE]

Thanks S.E.  I appreciate the feedback.  To be clear, I have not had PMO; however, after working through a lot of issues in my marriage things are going well for us, and there has been PIVO for a while now.  It was a long road, but we got there.

The next program Goal is #3:  Identify and Implement Boundaries.

I'm reminded of Gabe's video where he talks about taking the laptop out in the living room, only web surfing when there are others around.  The overall point as I see it is to determine my Boundaries and to own them.  One of the things that bothered my wife was when I would take my ipad into the bathroom (not surprisingly, since that is where she "caught me" acting out).  So, we mutually agreed upon that.  Over time I expanded my definition of the Boundaries I needed to establish in my life, and I came to include things related to my time and my availability.  I have a tendency to say "yes" to every request I get for my time.  So, learning to say "no" for me to certain requests has been huge, and developing good Boundaries around my time and my attention has been really helpful.  I can't be all things to all people.  Ultimately, this goal is about the relationships I have with people, technology, and my time, and, answering the question, "What are my Boundaries?"

One of the side effects of ending PMO in my life is greater confidence and balance along with a greater sense of my individual worth. Translation: I've learned to say no.

 

[fcjl8]

Jverhoye,

Thanks for the reference to this book; How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

I have given it a look see this morning and it looks very comprehensive and well written.

Thanks again!

 

[Jverhoye]

So it's been a long day, but I wanted to mention the next Goal.

Goal #4--Develop an initial understanding of my Cycle

Understanding my Cycle--namely the patterned behavior that leads to me acting out and doing PMO--was really helpful to me.  It focused my attention and increased my self-awareness surrounding how I have historically gotten into "auto pilot" and wound up mindlessly PMO.  I had a nightly routine I didn't think about, and understanding this helped me stop it, change it, and take control of it.

 

[Viper]

Sounds like a plan. I'm happy for you and your progress