My CSB Journal
- Thread starter Jverhoye
- Start date
Jverhoye
Active Member
So here is Goal #5--Explore Healthy Coping Skills such as relaxation, mindfulness, recreation, exercise, self-nurturing, support network, assertiveness, and anger management.
For me the whole concept of doing something "self-nurturing" was totally new and different. I was used to PMO and thinking it was self-nurturing, while in reality it was self-destructive.
Now I read, play board games, exercise, go hiking, socialize a lot, meditate, and journal. My anxiety is way down and my brain is continuing to heal and change from the years of P.
For me the whole concept of doing something "self-nurturing" was totally new and different. I was used to PMO and thinking it was self-nurturing, while in reality it was self-destructive.
Now I read, play board games, exercise, go hiking, socialize a lot, meditate, and journal. My anxiety is way down and my brain is continuing to heal and change from the years of P.
fcjl8
Active Member
Dear Jverhoye,
I am really enjoying and getting a lot from you sharing your goals! Amazing help for many of us, Thank You. I imagine this is also very good for you to reinforce these goals and tools that have helped you.
The comments you have shared with us here on our journals have been so very positive and full of compassion and understanding of the nature of this addiction.
Bless you and this community.
Paul
I am really enjoying and getting a lot from you sharing your goals! Amazing help for many of us, Thank You. I imagine this is also very good for you to reinforce these goals and tools that have helped you.
The comments you have shared with us here on our journals have been so very positive and full of compassion and understanding of the nature of this addiction.
Bless you and this community.
Paul
Jverhoye
Active Member
A pretty rough evening with my SO. We went to the gym and I didn't save her a spot on a machine...which became, in her mind, me not thinking of her...which became her telling me she gets jealous when I plan stuff with my friends but I don't plan outings for us, at least not as often as she'd like. So, I beat myself up and go into silent mode, which makes her mad. That's one of the typical patterns in our marriage. The difference now is I don't turn to P to soothe my anxiety if there is tension in my marriage.
How timely that Goal 6 is all about "patterns":
Goal #6--Develop an understanding of sexual and relationship patterns over my life time.
Seeing patterns has been helpful to me. I still can engage in the dysfunctional ones, but I'm getting better at seeing when I'm in one and extracting myself, and, discussing the relational dance and the role we each play, as we try to grow and improve the relationship.
How timely that Goal 6 is all about "patterns":
Goal #6--Develop an understanding of sexual and relationship patterns over my life time.
Seeing patterns has been helpful to me. I still can engage in the dysfunctional ones, but I'm getting better at seeing when I'm in one and extracting myself, and, discussing the relational dance and the role we each play, as we try to grow and improve the relationship.
F
Freethinker
Guest
Jv,
Finally had the chance to read your entire journal. It's great that you've found the needed structure and mental tools and support to achieve the success you've had so far. I can tell that despite your high number of days you still have to work your program to keep things running as smoothly as possible in your marriage. The goals you are sharing look like things we should all incorporate into our thinking as we move along our respective paths. Wishing you continued success.
Finally had the chance to read your entire journal. It's great that you've found the needed structure and mental tools and support to achieve the success you've had so far. I can tell that despite your high number of days you still have to work your program to keep things running as smoothly as possible in your marriage. The goals you are sharing look like things we should all incorporate into our thinking as we move along our respective paths. Wishing you continued success.
Jverhoye
Active Member
Thanks F.T. I appreciate the feedback.
Here's Goal #7--Learn Social and Emotional Intimacy. This goal has a lot to do with looking at my Support Network and looking at how I deal with Conflict. For me, I grew up in an environment where I learned to avoid difficult conversations, because they led to tension and conflict. Over the last 3 years I've gotten better at working through conflicts, particularly with my wife. I also have a good Support Network in place that has been particularly helpful.
Have a great Friday everyone!
Here's Goal #7--Learn Social and Emotional Intimacy. This goal has a lot to do with looking at my Support Network and looking at how I deal with Conflict. For me, I grew up in an environment where I learned to avoid difficult conversations, because they led to tension and conflict. Over the last 3 years I've gotten better at working through conflicts, particularly with my wife. I also have a good Support Network in place that has been particularly helpful.
Have a great Friday everyone!
Jverhoye
Active Member
I'm glad you are enjoying the Goals, Paul. Happy Saturday to all!
Here is Goal #8--resolving key issues (identified by going through my History) that block relationship intimacy.
This was a huge one for me. My key issues have been Anxiety Management, Conflict Avoidance, Dysfunctional Coping (namely PMO), and Vulnerability Reluctance. Over the last 3 years I have made strides in all these areas, and it shows in my relationships, especially my marriage. I still fall down at times and move toward old patterns, but I'm committed to continuing to make progress. I don't want to pass my dysfunction on to my children, so they are a big part of my motivation too, along with my amazing wife.
Here is Goal #8--resolving key issues (identified by going through my History) that block relationship intimacy.
This was a huge one for me. My key issues have been Anxiety Management, Conflict Avoidance, Dysfunctional Coping (namely PMO), and Vulnerability Reluctance. Over the last 3 years I have made strides in all these areas, and it shows in my relationships, especially my marriage. I still fall down at times and move toward old patterns, but I'm committed to continuing to make progress. I don't want to pass my dysfunction on to my children, so they are a big part of my motivation too, along with my amazing wife.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
I'm also really appreciating these goals. So thankful you're sharing these with us. Enjoy your Saturday, Jverhoye!
Jverhoye
Active Member
Happy Sunday to all, and I'm glad these Goals are being well-received.
Here's Goal #9--Develop Personal Sexual Health. The key questions here are: What does healthy sexuality look like to me? What benchmarks do I need to use in measuring my personal sexual health? This is a very personal Goal, as everyone's situation is unique. For some of us we are dealing with sexually abusive pasts. Others may have ED or other health issues. Being single or in a relationship will be a factor. A lot of what I have learned about myself had to do with debunking old myths, some of which were based on excessive exposure to P. So, not acting out has been key to developing a much healthier outlook on my own sexual health.
Here's Goal #9--Develop Personal Sexual Health. The key questions here are: What does healthy sexuality look like to me? What benchmarks do I need to use in measuring my personal sexual health? This is a very personal Goal, as everyone's situation is unique. For some of us we are dealing with sexually abusive pasts. Others may have ED or other health issues. Being single or in a relationship will be a factor. A lot of what I have learned about myself had to do with debunking old myths, some of which were based on excessive exposure to P. So, not acting out has been key to developing a much healthier outlook on my own sexual health.
fcjl8
Active Member
Here's to what you just said... " A lot of what I have learned about myself had to do with debunking old myths, some of which were based on excessive exposure to P. So, not acting out has been key to developing a much healthier outlook on my own sexual health."
that is a real key isn't it?
that is a real key isn't it?
I currently am writing my senior thesis about Pornography Induced Erectile Dysfunction at the Program of Human Sexuality at the University of Minnesota. 
It's a fantastic place, very open minded.
Best of luck with everything man, I'll be following your journal
It's a fantastic place, very open minded.Best of luck with everything man, I'll be following your journal
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Agree with you, FC. Not acting out is the key. And I like the idea of the end goal being a healthier outlook on sexual health. Thanks for sharing this, Jverhoye.fcjl8 said:
Jverhoye
Active Member
I am so glad I found this Forum. The support has been fantastic, and I'm trying to be supportive of others too. I'm glad folks are enjoying the Goals. We have 2 left.
Here's Goal 10--Develop Relational Sexual Health.
This can be a very challenging Goal, as evidenced by how many of us continue to journal about the ups and downs in our relationships. There are so many variables that go into this, but the two things that have been key for me are Communication and Connection. PMO creates distance and disconnection, and it's taken many conversations to reconnect and rebuild our relationship. There is no formula or timetable. Every relationship is different. We are still working on it, but in the end our relationship has grown stronger than it ever was. It's been a 3 year process that continues every day.
Have a great Monday everyone!
Here's Goal 10--Develop Relational Sexual Health.
This can be a very challenging Goal, as evidenced by how many of us continue to journal about the ups and downs in our relationships. There are so many variables that go into this, but the two things that have been key for me are Communication and Connection. PMO creates distance and disconnection, and it's taken many conversations to reconnect and rebuild our relationship. There is no formula or timetable. Every relationship is different. We are still working on it, but in the end our relationship has grown stronger than it ever was. It's been a 3 year process that continues every day.
Have a great Monday everyone!
Jverhoye
Active Member
So here's the final Goal:
Goal#11--Develop sustainable plan for maintaining sexual and emotional health.
Getting enough distance from PMO has allowed me to develop a plan and work toward maintaining it. For me this involves doing things that are self-nurturing and relaxing. So, I've been working out, reading, spending time on walks with my wife, socializing with my wife and family/friends, attending concerts, utilizing some awesome budget software to keep finances in line, and trying not to work too hard. As the weather improves I'm looking forward to working in the yard and spending time outside. Meanwhile, leaning in to difficult conversations, allowing myself to feel negative emotions and processing them, and trying to share my struggles with my wife and others close to me continues to be vital to my recovery, along with attending a weekly support group. In addition, having a mutually satisfying sex life with my wife is also crucial, and we are making progress on that together.
I look forward to sharing more as the days and weeks move along. Happy Tuesday to all!
Goal#11--Develop sustainable plan for maintaining sexual and emotional health.
Getting enough distance from PMO has allowed me to develop a plan and work toward maintaining it. For me this involves doing things that are self-nurturing and relaxing. So, I've been working out, reading, spending time on walks with my wife, socializing with my wife and family/friends, attending concerts, utilizing some awesome budget software to keep finances in line, and trying not to work too hard. As the weather improves I'm looking forward to working in the yard and spending time outside. Meanwhile, leaning in to difficult conversations, allowing myself to feel negative emotions and processing them, and trying to share my struggles with my wife and others close to me continues to be vital to my recovery, along with attending a weekly support group. In addition, having a mutually satisfying sex life with my wife is also crucial, and we are making progress on that together.
I look forward to sharing more as the days and weeks move along. Happy Tuesday to all!
fcjl8
Active Member
Jverhoye,
Once again you come through for us! You are so generous in sharing these Goals and how you have dealt with them.
The sexual health aspect really hit home for me. I am very grateful for you sharing what sexual and emotional health mean to you. Pretty much each healthful step you are taking I am also applying... small world!
Thank you! I trust that this sharing is also beneficial to yourself.
Once again you come through for us! You are so generous in sharing these Goals and how you have dealt with them.
The sexual health aspect really hit home for me. I am very grateful for you sharing what sexual and emotional health mean to you. Pretty much each healthful step you are taking I am also applying... small world!
Thank you! I trust that this sharing is also beneficial to yourself.
Jverhoye
Active Member
Yes, the sharing of goals has been very beneficial to me. The more I ignore my feelings and my interior life the more likely I am to PMO. The more I talk about it and write about it, the better I do. With the weather getting nicer there will likely be more opportunities to lose focus, so staying accountable through my support group and through this forum, along with checking in with my wife, will be crucial.
Jverhoye
Active Member
Lots of work stress going on right now. Historically, that has been a major Trigger for me to PMO. Even today the thought crosses my mind. Instead, though, I look to my healthy Off Ramps such as Journalling and getting together with friends. I stop this morning to say a prayer and I am thankful I found this place. Now, let's hope my teams win tonight when the boys come over to watch the games!